#Miscarriage #Marriage #RelationshipAdvice #Divorce #PregnancyLoss #EmotionalSupportNeeded
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The pain and devastation of a miscarriage can put a strain on any relationship, but when one partner blames the other, it can lead to even more heartache. If you find yourself in a situation where your wife is blaming you for the miscarriages and is considering divorce, it’s important to handle the situation with compassion, understanding, and a willingness to make things right. Here’s how you can work towards saving your marriage after such a heartbreaking experience.
### Understanding Her Pain
It’s crucial to understand that your wife is going through immense emotional and physical pain. She’s likely feeling a profound sense of loss, grief, and guilt, and these feelings might be manifesting in anger towards you. Understand that her anger is not a reflection of her true feelings towards you, but rather a way of coping with the overwhelming emotions she’s experiencing.
### Communicate and Seek Professional Help
Sit down with your wife and have an open, honest conversation about your feelings, her feelings, and the future of your marriage. Seek guidance from a professional counselor or therapist who specializes in miscarriage and relationship issues. This can provide a safe space for both of you to express your emotions, work through your conflicts, and find a way forward.
### Take Responsibility and Apologize
Express genuine remorse for the argument and the physical altercation. Apologize sincerely for your actions and acknowledge that pushing her was unacceptable. Taking responsibility for your mistake and showing a willingness to change can help rebuild trust and show her that you’re committed to being a better partner.
### Provide Emotional Support
Be there for her in any way she needs. Offer an empathetic ear to listen to her feelings, validate her emotions, and provide her with comfort and reassurance. Time and patience are crucial during this period of grief. Use words of understanding and kindness, and avoid blame or judgment.
### Find Strength in Spirituality
Uncertain times like these often lead people to seek solace in religion and spirituality. The teachings of the Bhagavad Gita emphasize the importance of staying grounded and finding peace in difficult times. The Gita speaks of karma, the law of cause and effect, which can help you find a sense of closure and acceptance.
### Seek Counseling Together
If your wife is open to it, consider attending religious or spiritual gatherings together to find solace and wisdom. This could provide a sense of healing and strength through shared faith and community support.
### Patience and Love
Remember to be patient and gentle with your wife. Show her love, compassion, and understanding, and reassure her of your commitment to your marriage. Remember that healing takes time, and it’s essential to give her the space she needs while also being a supportive and loving partner.
### Conclusion
The journey towards healing after a miscarriage and the strife it causes in a relationship is a challenging one. However, by approaching the situation with empathy, communication, and a willingness to change for the better, you can work towards saving your marriage. Remember that professional guidance and spiritual wisdom can also provide a much-needed sense of direction and peace during these difficult times. With love, effort, and understanding, you can find a way to overcome this devastating experience and come out stronger as a couple.
Remember that the Bhagavad Gita holds valuable teachings about equanimity and the value of selflessness. These teachings can guide you towards finding peace and resolution in your personal life, even during the most distressing of times. Embrace these teachings and let them lead you towards a brighter future, both individually and as a couple.
Please don’t go back.
This relationship has escalated to physical abuse. I know it was a highly emotional moment, but she had no right throwing things at you or making this your fault.
I would recommend grief counselling for you both, but also, if she’s done with the marriage you can’t force her to stay in it.
She needs professional mental health. The inability to have a child has clearly taken a toll on her. I’m not sure you can do anything about your relationship until she gets the help she needs.
Grief and marital counseling is your best bet.
But once it’s become physical? Idk if it’s worth it.
Physical violence has happend, sorry guy but this is over, and you shouldn’t feel bad, she started the violence.
File the papers and go no contact, let her communicate via your lawyer.
You can’t. Get out now. You will spend the rest of your lives battling that. Leave now while you still have some semblance of sanity and before things escalate even worse.
This is a toxic environment and you should get divorced if you’re being abusive to each other. There is nothing left to save.
I have to agree with everyone here. Regardless, you can only control yourself not her.
I think your best course of action right now is for you to go to grief counseling yourself, and maybe counseling to help you understand how better to handle your anger.
I get why you pushed her and personally as a woman, I think if I started something physical like that then I should expect to be treated the same way. I’m thinking you really didn’t want to hurt her or you could have done much worse. She instigated it, she is equally responsible.
You do this and wait to see what she does. My concern is how F’d you would be if she complains to your CoC. By you taking steps getting counseling right away should make her complaint go away. Depending on your branch, self reporting this may be important. Go talk to a JAG officer. They will also help you navigate a divorce if it comes down to that. You do not want her to get you kicked out.
She’s abusive, her behavior is unacceptable, grief is no excuse for violence. Grief counseling she needs, and you both need marriage counseling
The last thing either of y’all need is a child together. Imagine that fight with a infant in the middle of it. Leave. Cut your losses and stay gone. I’m sorry for your losses. But she needs help. And you do as well.
This is so sad, but I think it’s best to let her go. She doesn’t want the marriage anymore, and it has become toxic for both of you. I’m sorry and I wish you a healthy healing journey.
I’m 0-5 with my wife and miscarriages. Doesn’t get any easier. I’m sorry your wife reacted that way and I’m sincerely sorry for your loss.
It doesn’t sound like you should try to save this marriage. Something is difficult for your wife, so you avoid talking about it. Her hormones are all over the place having just suffered yet another miscarriage. When she came to you expressing her feelings about your lack of communication, the argument escalated until you both got physical. This is toxic.
29 weeks is very much so far along enough to be suffering from postpartum depression.
I was checked out for postpartum depression after loosing a baby at 14 weeks. I would try and make sure she’s keeping up with doctors appointments and maybe get a therapist for yourself and her. She may deny, so it’s a very touchy situation. But the fact of the matter is that’s very traumatizing and she’s probably heavily struggling and feeling confused and lost.
I also almost left my partner, he wasn’t there for me the way I WANTED him to be and with the hormones and trauma I was unable at the time to realize that he also suffered a loss and maybe didn’t know what to do or how to act or how to feel or how to support me. It’s a very difficult situation for both parties.
As I suggested- therapy at any level she will accept may help, a check up from a doctor regarding postpartum issues. I really hope things get better and I’m very very sorry for both of your losses. Sending love and light both of your ways.
*you could also try reaching out to her mother and airing your concern, asking for help, any suggestions from her mother- if you have a good relationship- she will most likely understand. And it’s probably good for her to be with her mom for a couple days, try not to take her harsh words too personally as her brain is not functioning the SAME or as it may normally function right at this moment, the level of trauma and hormonal changes has a direct impact on the brain and moods and thinking and things like that.*
Was the physical fights like this before trying for a baby? I’m very sorry about this. This is so sad…..
Your marriage is over, because of the violence alone.
It’s over, and the two of you need a ton of work before beginning new relationships.
“she is more stressed than I am *so I didn’t talk to her too much about it*”—Serious question, what is wrong with you?
Your wife desperately needs support during her grieving process and you openly admit to not even bothering to talk with her about what she needs to begin healing. A grief counselor would be good for her, and you need a therapist badly because you clearly do not understand how to deal with marriage.
Good god. Miscarriages are tricky because of the tremendous grief and guilt involved. It sounds to me like she’s angry at herself and taking that out on you.
Having said that, if things have broken down to the point that she’s throwing heavy things at you (wrong) and you’re pushing her in response (also wrong), you absolutely need couples therapy like, yesterday. She needs to be able to both process her grief and hear you process yours. NTA
this is horrible. there is no excuse to throw items at a spouse. i hope you’re okay.
as a woman who has had multiple miscarriages— it sucks — but i would never blame my partner for what happened.
we live in a day in age where there are SO many options besides conceiving naturally. the mature thing to do is get therapy, talk through the issues, and trust it whatever worldly higher power you believe in that things will happen the way they are meant to be.
also: putting more stress on yourself/your partner is a huge cause of infertility. this is why people tend to get pregnant immediately after adopting a child — they aren’t putting that horrible stress on their bodies.
The sentence that got my attention from OP was, “I defended myself” right after she asked if he cared. Both sound young and immature, but some advice. When your partner is grieving and asks if you even care…..don’t “defend yourself”….show them you are grieving, too. Cry if you feel it, especially from a man. Defending yourself just puts you in an opposing position to your partner at a time when they need to feel you are with them.
I think you didn’t say much after the miscarriage for fear of saying the wrong thing.
I also think your wife interpreted that as you not caring.
The truth is you are both grieving and that grief has made it difficult to communicate with one another.
I think you should book an appointment with a grief therapist off your own back then ask your wife to attend.
Worst case scenario she says no.
Best case scenario she will be happy you took the initiative and attend the session.
You guys have been through the wringer and it broke your hearts.
Please just talk to her, and if you’re not good at verbalising your feelings then write her a letter.
You’ve got nothing to lose by being honest.
OP, regardless of what happens between you and your wife, I’d highly advocate for you to get grief counseling for yourself. Based on the full context of your post, I can tell you’re hurting but struggling with it.
My partner also had 4 miscarriages in the span of a few years, one of them resulting in an ectopic pregnancy, which resulted in a salpingectomy. I felt so incredibly bad, but I wasn’t able to really process things well at the time. I grew up with more than my fair share of trauma that I had never received care for, and that absolutely impacted how I reacted to the miscarriages and my partner almost dying from how much blood she had lost before we even got to the hospital.
I absolutely felt horrible. I did cry when the miscarriages happened, but it was for my partner and how much she was hurting, not in consideration for processing my own emotions. I felt overall that I needed to be strong for my partner so I could be more present and help maintain that will to keep trying if that’s what my partner wanted.
That’s how I felt. How it was externalized was that I’d cry once, and then seem distant but act like nothing had changed as that desire to be strong and the crippling depression were fighting each other constantly for control.
How that was received by my partner was that I would cry once, but otherwise didn’t care. I was questioned if I cared and they did come down on me for that (though me nor my partner have ever been violent), and that questioning hurt so badly and so deep, it felt like I was being wrongfully accused, because I absolutely did care and to me I thought I had been expressing that, but I wasn’t showing that I cared in the way my partner *needed* me to.
Eventually we were successful in having kids. When we decided we were done with having kids, I was finally able to transition (in the end, I was the cause for the miscarriages, so I never felt I was losing anything by doing so), and after a while it all hit me like a freight train. Only then was I able to realize how much pain I’d been in, how much more damage I’d caused for myself and additional pain for my partner because I chose to put up that facade of strength in lieu of processing alongside my partner, which is all they ever wanted from me.
The floodgates have opened many, many times over the past few years. I made trinkets for each of our 4 little lost ones, and added them to an altar for them. Me and my partner made a plan together to one day take those trinkets up into the mountains where we live and put them in the ground with a tree that we can go back to and visit to see them as long as we’re living. They all had names, after all, and to us they deserve to have their memory preserved. We’ve not been strong enough together to follow through on this plan yet, and I don’t know if we ever will be ready to bury them, to let them go. I still leave food and other offerings out for them on the altar and light candles for them. I talk to them to remind them that even though we have kids in this realm, that I still love them just as much as I did when they were with us in this realm too. I have a therapist now who has helped me tremendously with the very complex layers of guilt and shame I had been carrying for years.
As much as this hurts to think about, to write, I’m glad that I can recognize the hurt well enough to share, that I’ve been able to process as much as I have in these last few years. I hope you get the help you need, OP. You’ll look back on it grateful that you did.
Let her go. You need to work on yourself for a while homie.