#WeddingDrama: How to Handle Being Replaced as Maid of Honor by Best Friend
Let me tell you a little story about my best friend and me. We’ve been through it all – from college to post-grad life, we were inseparable. So, when she got engaged, I naturally assumed I would be her maid of honor. We talked about it for years, she even asked me to give a whole speech at the wedding.
But then, out of the blue, she texts me saying she asked someone else because she wants me to enjoy the day without added stress. I was hurt, to say the least. She didn’t communicate with me at all about her feelings or concerns. I felt blindsided and disrespected.
Now, I’m left wondering what to do. Should I skip the wedding and end our friendship? Or should I put my feelings aside and continue on as if nothing happened?
## Feeling Hurt and Betrayed
It’s normal to feel hurt and betrayed when someone you care about makes a decision without consulting you. In this case, your best friend chose to replace you as maid of honor without even discussing it with you first. It’s important to acknowledge and validate your feelings before deciding on the best course of action.
## Communication is Key
In any relationship, communication is key. It’s essential to have open and honest conversations, especially when it comes to important events like weddings. Your friend may have had valid reasons for making the decision she did, but the way she handled it was hurtful. Let her know how you feel and try to have a calm and honest conversation about the situation.
## Considering Your Options
Before making any decisions, take some time to think about your options. Consider what is best for you and your mental health. Skipping the wedding and ending the friendship are extreme measures, so think about whether there is a middle ground that could be reached.
– Talk to your friend: Express your feelings and listen to her perspective.
– Take some time apart: Distance yourself from the situation to gain clarity.
– Seek support: Talk to other friends or a therapist about how you’re feeling.
## Moving Forward
At the end of the day, only you can decide what is best for you. Take the time to process your emotions and consider your options carefully. Remember that friendships go through ups and downs, and it’s possible to move past this bump in the road.
Remember, it’s okay to put yourself first and prioritize your own feelings in this situation. Trust your gut and make a decision that feels right for you. Communication and understanding are key to resolving conflicts and moving forward in any relationship. Best of luck! 🌟
Need more information. Who is the other person? Do you understand the time and money that it takes to be a MOH?
Yeah, that’s absolute bullshit. To pull that kind of bait and switch on you last minute and to TEXT YOU ABOUT IT instead of calling you or telling you to your face? She’s telling you exactly how much she values the friendship which is zero.
I don’t think it’s overreacting at all to say “The way you’ve handled this feels like a friendship-ending move to me, so I’m going to take the hint and bow out stage left. Good luck with your life and don’t feel the burden of contacting me again.”
I mean she didn’t even make you a bridesmaid after all of that talk? That’s WEAK. She owes you a serious apology/explanation face to face.
Did she boot you out of the bridal party altogether? Had you indicated that anything was going to be tough for you financially or otherwise?
Like others said, who is the person she chose? Is it her sister or someone in her family of importance? What she did to you was handled miserably for sure, did she even make you a bridesmaid? Are you going through financial issues that would have anything to do with being the MOH?
Try to have a face to face conversation for her to explain what happened and why it happened. This is giving her a chance to redeem herself, otherwise I would absolutely not go after having the rug pulled out from under you like that. Think about your options.
I wouldn’t do anything until you’ve talked to her (phone or in person). In fact, if this had been me, I would have been offended by the fact she texted such an important message in the 1st place. If that sounds strange, I get it, but lately I’ve noticed people text so much on real issues that should never be discussed by thumb.
My response would have been “Our friendship means so little to you that I didn’t even deserve a phone call? Wow”.
Obviously, you get to react any way you want, but it’s also true you don’t want to destroy a long term friendship. This requires honesty on her part, however. For example, if/when you talk to her, ask her why she didn’t just “demote” you to a bridesmaid? She’s not being completely honest with you, but it may not be a bad thing. For example, if her mom is paying and wants her cousin as MOH, your friend has no choice.
But you’ll never know unless you directly ask.
This is tricky stuff.
The wedding is going to be very difficult for you to attend because it’s going to be the visual display of her telling you that you would be her MOH for many years then blindsiding you by setting you aside.
Were she to suddenly have a change of heart and ask you to step into that spot you’ll still not be comfortable with it. Because you’ll always wonder her true reasonings for not originally asking you as promised.
Should you stay home and not attend you will still be keenly aware of what is taking place that day. Reminding you of what led you to make the choice to step away.
I don’t think there’s any solution here, in regards to the wedding day, where you aren’t going to be in some form of emotional turmoil when it takes place.
So you have to look beyond this event. To your future and hers. This is going to shift your friendship. You need to decide how much. Imagine yourself ten years down the road. Twenty years down the road. Do you want to have a life that is completely devoid of her presence? Or would you like her to always be connected to you, even if it is in a small way? Do you think you’ll look back with regret for not attending?
I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt in this way. Her reasoning does sound like excuses to make you feel as if she did this for you. Which comes across as gaslighting. Don’t hurt someone and then try to make them think it was for their own good. Just be honest about the real reasoning. Be authentic. It’s always surprising when people turn out to not be exactly who we thought they were.
Plan a Personal Vacation for the week of her wedding. Slowing phase her out of your life.
You are justified in how you feel. But do your best not to turn this into a big deal. It will only reflect badly on you. Instead go as a guest and then slowly withdraw from the friendship with a minimum of drama. She obviously doesn’t value your friendship as much as you ( used to) value hers.
Listen, what your so called best friend has done has shown you that actually she doesn’t respect you enough to tell you face to face or even a conversation over the phone!.
Personally I wouldn’t say anything and just not turn up as that’s about the equivalent amount of respect she has shown you.
I asked my cousin(Best friend )to be my best man at my wedding over my older brother and he said no but did it in a way that not only embarrassed me but showed total lack of respect and I haven’t talked to him since and I don’t ever plan to again as in my personal view the two ultimate ways you can show someone how much they mean to you is either asking them to be your best man or MOH or naming your child after them.
I wasn’t surprised in the least when him and his partner (she was supposed to be a bridesmaid) rspv’d back they wouldn’t be coming.
She might be your best friend, but you’re not hers.
You are not her best friend, the other girl is. She just didn’t know how to tell you
Is that friend really good under stress? Is she a really good planner? Are those things that maybe aren’t your strengths? Was there anything that happened during the engagement party that suggested you aren’t good at those things?
Do you live in the area? Is the friend more available to go to dress try ons?
Does the friend have some sort of connection to getting discounts for the wedding or bachelorette party?
>She’s been excited to get married for a long time and continuously has said I will be her MOH. She asked 4 weeks ago if I would give a whole speech at the wedding, etc. This was before her engagement party.
>Last night I get a text out of the blue that she’s asked someone else because **she wants me to enjoy “this special day without any added stress.**” I responded my feelings were hurt, we’ve been talking about this for years and she didn’t communicate anything at all to me about how she was feeling.
>She replied back that she was sorry if she blindsided me and I feel didn’t take accountability for how she handled things and **made it out to be my fault (not wanting to add more to my plate, stress me out, etc.)**
4 weeks ago was MOH specifically mentioned or was it just a request to do a whole speech? Because asking you to be MOH and unilaterally revoking that request a month later is pretty harsh. Friendship groups change quite a bit after you venture into the real world so I could understand if she changed her mind between graduation and now. But if she had, you still deserved an adult conversation about it.
What’s telling is she’s either lying to you about her reasoning or taking away your agency. Either one of those isn’t something you should do to a friend that was close enough to be considered the candidate for MOH. If she was truly concerned about the stress, a friend would have that conversation with you first before asking someone else. She decided for you that the stress would be too much without letting you decide for yourself. You should be insulted by her doing that.
In reality your friend has decided that this other friend would be a better MOH for her. Her rationale is just an excuse that allows her to avoid the uncomfortable conversation about the real reasons. It’s even better because she can shift the blame to you. She’s only doing this for your own good after all. She could have had an adult conversation with you. Stating why she was making this choice, but instead took the easy way out and lied. Either way you didn’t deserve that treatment.
Personally, I would step out of the party all together. Use her own tactics against her. Tell her you didn’t want to disappoint her as a bridesmaid. That gives you more time to recover from this. It may be that you decide her friendship is worth saving. You might decide to cut ties and not attend at all. Regardless of why she did this, she’s not as invested in this friendship as you are. Now you know that and can make you choices with that in mind.
She’s probably been telling you both the same thing and had to pick one in the end.
I would say no thank you to being a bridesmaid and no to giving a speech at the wedding, I mean after all you went to “avoid any added stress”. When is the wedding? If you aren’t a bridesmaid you probably have quite a bit of time before you have to RSVP and you can see how the “friendship” goes between now and then.
She said she didn’t want you to feel overwhelmed by something that was extremely important to her. The translation of that is, she doesn’t trust you to do a good job as her maid of honor. And she said she doesn’t want to add more to your plate or stress you out. This is all about her not believing that you can do the job.
Do you know why she thinks you’re under a lot of stress or have a lot on your plate? Is there anything going on in your life right now that would cause her to believe that you might not do well as her MOH?
To me it sounds like she gave you a reason. She said she feels you would be overwhelmed by being MOH and she’d rather have you as just a bridesmaid instead. And that is not a reflection of how she feels about you.
What gave her the impression this would be more stress for you? What specifically did she say was the reason? Why does she want to use you for your speech services but not the role or designation of MOH? Why are you still good enough to be a bridesmaid? Why is that so much less stress, bc honestly I’ve been both and it’s not less stress when you love the bride bc you happily support and participate in everything the MOH does.
If she still wants you in the bridal party and still wants you to do the speech, those are still valuable roles, not cutting you out completely. I think you need to convey to her that her actions make you realize your friendship is not valued by her in the same way and that her apology was really a non apology. She’s not taking ownership of hurting you bc she doesn’t care. What she gave you was an excuse, probably not grounded in any truth. Ask her if she even wants you at all or if she’s just hoping you’d be so insulted that you back out completely. Force her to have this conversation face to face so you can tell if she’s being honest. Doing this via text gives her time to craft a response that on the surface is heartfelt. In person will make force her to either be immediately genuine or stutter and lie.
I’m sorry OP, sometimes weddings bring out peoples true colors and sometimes these things can be giant misunderstandings.
So just a few things to consider. And I’m not saying any of this makes her decision justifiable but… Are you maybe not very good at event planning? Are you flaky? Do you procrastinate? Do you have a tendency to be late? Do you struggle with mental health issues? Are you easily stressed?
It seems to me that she trusts you enough to confide her secrets, but she doesn’t trust you enough to handle her wedding needs.
My best man/friend pulled out of my wedding because of a baseball game. We didn’t talk for years after, but when we did reconnect, was never the same. I would imagine the same would apply here, so I would move on. Doesn’t mean you can’t be friends just no bff bs…
>I could’ve cared less about if she changed her mind had she come to me first and had a conversation about any concerns and how she was feeling, etc. I would want her to do what’s best for her. However, she handled this in a really crappy way and I feel it’s done irreparable damage to our friendship by not being honest. I feel so disrespected and hurt. I feel like she unilaterally decided how I felt without me being involved in the process.
This is what you need to tell her word-for-word.
>I want to skip her wedding and separate as friends.
These are understandable feelings to have. But I wouldn’t act impulsively. Have the talk with her and try to iron this out first. Don’t have the discussion over text. Talk in person.
My best friend since we were 10 yrs old got married at 22 and I was just a bridesmaid. She asked a girl she had only been friends with for a couple years to be her MOH. She made a shit speech and didn’t do a great job but my best friend decided it was easier to choose that girl then me because I didn’t live in the same town and was a 4 hour drive.
I wish I would have kept my mouth shut but brought it up after the wedding and we had a big falling out for a while. We are completely fine now. It was 11 years ago now and I forgot about it until reading this post.
The wedding is about her and what she wants. She thinks it’s a good decision then okay. I’m thankful I was able to be there for her in some capacity. I’d rather have her as a life long friend than be upset about not being her MOH.
I got the last revenge because the MOH she chose is hardly friends with her now.
Try to make it about her and put your feelings to the side. You’ve been best friends this long, don’t let it stop the friendship.
I wouldn’t cut her out completely, but I’d tell her that’s what your gut reaction was. Definitely talk to her about it. If she tries to act like your feelings don’t matter… Maybe your gut reaction was right
None is going to that wedding being like oh why isn’t OP the MOH. I promise. They will have like no idea.
You should go. Dont throw it all away.
But definitly talk about it, because it does sound like there is a reason. It could be a very very superficial one, that could hurt almost even worse but its good to know reasons so you can assess your relationship with the bride.
She is your best friend, you are not hers.
You need to do whatever is best for you. Forget about others for a minute, and think how you feel. Do you want to be there or not?
You’re feeling really hurt right now so naturally you want unleash the kraken and make extreme choices like ending your friendship. It’s normal.
You did the right thing by telling her you were hurt. Now take some time to feel your feels and then keep doing the right thing. Reach out to her again and say you don’t like how she’s handling this and ask her what’s really going on. Get to the bottom of it. Give her some grace for being a stressed out bride, too.
Once you hear her full story, take a few days to process, and then you can decide if you really want to end your long friendship.
I ended a friendship similar to this. Wasn’t worth the hassle and I’m much happier now.
I just wouldn’t go. That is a shitty way to tell you, by text that is, and her reasons are bs. You have already stated it has soured your thoughts on her as a friend, why go to the wedding and pretend everything is great?
Move on. There are plenty of other people who aren’t shitty to make friends with.
The bride to be did not handle this situation well at all. U2 had talked about you being her maid of honor and then she notified you after the fact that she had asked someone else and gave you a ridiculous excuse.
Your feelings are your feelings so there really isn’t any overreaction here.
If you’re hurt by how she handled this, and you don’t think that you can participate in the wedding as a bridesmaid, or even as a guest, without feeling resentful, then tell her that and have a discussion with her about how you feel and decline the invitation without guilt.
Very few friendships survive a lifetime and it seems like this one may have run its course – particularly if this is a pattern of her behavior rather than a one off.
The fiance may not like OP. Even if OP thinks he does.
Often people who are incredibly close friends in their 20s during that transition time from college to adult life can be subtly competitive with a new partner that comes in the picture. Even if they don’t see it they can do things that could upset a new relationship. It is natural that a new partner is going to come in between two friends who spend a lot of time together. It is natural that the fiance could not have the greatest feelings for OP.
Take a deep breath. Honestly, standing up in a wedding is a huge pain in the a**. Don’t be offended, be relieved. Consider just attending as a guest or not at all. “Upon further reflection, I agree with you. I’d really enjoy the day best if I attended as a guest. Current outside commitments have been overwhelming.” That way, by the time invites roll, if things continue to cool, you can easily rsvp no.
I think it’s so odd that people say “skip” about weddings, like they’ll catch the next one? Idk.
Anyway that was a shitty thing for your friend to do. However if this happened last night so it’s very fresh, so it’s probably a good idea to let your feelings settle a little before making any life changing decisions.
I feel like there is missing info. Is this other friend related to her fiance somehow, since you told her to reach out to her when they were having an issue? Maybe that has something to do with it?
This same exact thing happened to me, even me telling her it hurt my feelings and that all I really needed was a conversation about it instead of finding out in a group email. We are no longer friends. I was still in the wedding but that year leading up to her wedding was a slow torture and I don’t recommend it. We had been best friends since we were 14, and 20 years later we stopped being friends. I realized I cared about her as my best friend, but she didn’t care about me the same way.
Something very similar happened to me, and hopefully my experience can give you some ideas.
My childhood bestie got engaged quickly (3 months, she went to a conservative, ring-by-spring school) to her now husband. She went to college in a different state than me, and I found out via Facebook that she was engaged even though she was IN TOWN when the engagement happened and stayed for a while after.
Then I found out via her wedding website that not only me, but another childhood friend, were not bridesmaids. We had always promised to be each other’s bridesmaids; we literally had the conversation one of the previous visits, so it was upsetting. This was someone I had known since I was 7 (we were 20 when she got engaged, 21 when she got married), so we had been best friends for a majority of our lives. We did nearly everything together until she left for college.
All of the bridesmaids she selected were newer friends from the small college she attended; people who she had known maybe a year max.
Fast forward to her wedding, I went with my family, but it was awkward. Several friends and family members of hers commented on how weird it was to not see our mutual friend and me in the bridal party, but I just said that it was ok, that she had made awesome friends at college who were at her side today and that her happiness was most important to me.
I stayed for the ceremony and just a little bit of the reception because it hit me when they introduced the bridal party just how much it hurt to not be alongside her celebrating her special day. I congratulated her husband and her and slipped out before dinner began.
About a year later, she apologized for not having the friend and me in her wedding. One of her bridesmaids got engaged and she was not asked to be a bridesmaid for that friend. It was then that she realized how she was caught up in her college friends and forgot about her friends back home. I accepted her apology, but also kept it in the back of my mind that she could just be speaking to hear herself talk. When I got married, she was my MOH and her son was my ring bearer.
We’ve since drifted apart, but I’m happy that I took the higher road. I attended what I could, sent gifts when I couldn’t. I stayed quiet about my disappointment, but showed support in what I believed was the next best way.
Whose wedding is this anyway? If you choose to not go to the wedding, and end the friendship, what you are saying is that how you feel in the moment, is more important to you than your friends wedding (which she apparently has been waiting a long time for). Sure she could have communicated better, imagine that.
I would tell her you are going to pass on being a bridesmaid but would still love to be a guest at her wedding if she has room for you.
I’d tell her being a bridesmaid might be too stressful as well, she should find someone else.
I would pass on being a bridesmaid and just attend the wedding as a guest. Then, you can decide if you want to go to the reception or just head on home afterwards. Be nice to her, so as not to upset her before her wedding, but then just stop hanging with her after the wedding. She’ll be busy with her new married life anyway. So, just go on with your life.
Having read all your comments, it honestly sounds like she wants to play perfect couple for her wedding and ignore all the issues in her relationship – and that means only having people close to her that are oblivious to how many cracks there are between her and her partner.
But OP, I think there is also something else going on that she doesn’t want to say – it’s completely possibly that her partner also knows just how much she discloses to you and might have pulled the plug on you being up there with her.
You need to step back and figure out what role you want to play in this relationship. Is being her MOH that important to you when every other aspect of the relationship is okay? I know your feelings are hurt, but it’s never as simple as ‘I changed my mind’ when it comes to weddings. Weddings can be hugely stressful events even when the couple is very happy, and it sounds like she is projecting a little when she says she just wants you to be ‘stress free’. Sounds like downgrading you is an attempt to take stress off herself (and I think it really does have to do with her partner or someone else in her inner circle).
So I would personally let this one slide, sit back and wait to find out the REAL reason you got downgraded before you start distancing yourself. I think there is something else going on and she’s not ready to fess up to it.
I see a lot of excuses that just don’t make sense. I would politely decline being in the wedding party. As it seems she thinks it would put to much stress on you. Tell her she is right and that you think it would lessen any stress by not attending her wedding at all.