GrievingProcess #CaregiverStruggles #MentalHealthAwareness #FamilyResponsibilities #SeekingBalance
Navigating the complexities of caregiving while managing your own emotional needs can be incredibly challenging. If you’re a 27-year-old woman caring for a sick mother and seeking a break to grieve the loss of your child, this guide provides actionable advice to convince your mother that taking time off is crucial—for both your health and her well-being.
Understanding Your Situation: Key Context
- Your Mother’s Health: Your mother, aged 51, is battling stage 4 COPD and other health issues. She can manage some tasks but heavily relies on you for emotional and logistical support.
- Additional Responsibilities: On top of caring for your mother, you’re also responsible for your two young children and your mother’s disabled ex, who is also living with you.
- Your Own Struggles: You recently lost an infant and had a difficult pregnancy. Your husband works as a truck driver and is not always around to help.
Emotional and Physical Burnout: The Necessity for Grieving
- Emotional Turmoil: Caring for multiple dependents while grieving a significant loss can quickly lead to burnout and emotional breakdown.
- Therapist’s Advice: Both you and your therapist agree that a week or two of focused grieving time away from your usual responsibilities could help you immensely.
Presenting Your Case to Your Mother
Use Empathy and Open Communication
- Express Your Pain: Sit down with your mother and share your emotional struggles openly. Let her know that this time is essential for you to heal and continue supporting her and your children.
- Explain the Consequences: Clarify that neglecting your need to grieve properly could result in a more severe emotional breakdown, making you less effective in your caregiving role.
Focus on Alternatives and Safety Nets
- Friend’s Help: Remind her that a trusted friend has already offered to help in your absence. This friend can assist with basic needs and emotional support.
- Professional Care: If feasible, consider hiring a temporary caregiver to ensure your mother’s needs are met during your absence.
Addressing Common Concerns
“What If an Emergency Arises?”
- Emergency Protocols: Clearly outline emergency protocols. Ensure your mother knows how to contact medical help and your temporary caregiver. You can remain available by phone for extreme emergencies.
“Feeling Abandoned”
- Reassurance: Constantly reassure your mother that your break is temporary and vital for your own mental health. Make her understand that you’ll be in better shape to support her once you’ve had time to grieve.
Practical Steps to Convince Your Mother
Plan and Educate
- Written Plan: Draft a detailed plan of what your mother can do in your absence, including schedules, contact numbers, and emergency procedures.
- Educational Material: Provide her with literature that emphasizes the importance of mental health breaks for caregivers.
Trial Run
- Short Trial: Propose a shorter trial period to build her confidence. A few days away initially can make her more comfortable with a longer break later.
Preparing for Your Time Away
Comprehensive Preparation
- Prepare Meals: Pre-cook and freeze meals to ensure she has easy access to nutritious food.
- Manage Finances: Make sure all bills are up-to-date and that your mother knows the account details for any financial transactions.
Self-Care List
- Therapy Toolkit: Pack therapy tools such as journals, books, or any product that supports your emotional healing.
- Essential Contacts: Ensure you have the contact information for close friends, family members, or healthcare providers who can be contacted if necessary.
Final Thoughts: Prioritize Your Mental Health
Balancing caregiving with personal grief is no small feat. Communicating openly, outlining support systems, and ensuring proper emergency plans can help you convince your mother to allow you some time for essential emotional healing. Prioritizing your mental health will enable you to be a stronger, more effective caretaker in the long run.
Your mental and emotional well-being is not a luxury; it’s a necessity. Taking time for yourself now can make all the difference in how you manage both your grief and caregiving responsibilities moving forward. 🧡
Don’t tell her. Look into getting hospice care for her. They have a nurse that will come bath her daily if needed and other nurses that come daily. You have to take that time for yourself it isn’t right and will do so much harm to YOU AND YOUR HEALTH if you don’t take that time for yourself. I say figure something out to where you can get an at home assistant like an at home nurse that will come by and take care of her for an hr or so a day and have her friend bbthere to help out aswell. Make sure to sit down and have a conversation with the friend and the ex together at the same time and TELL them I need y’all’s help I need y’all to do this for me and watch her I HAVE TO HAVE THIS TIME TO GRIEVE THE DEATH OF MY CHILD OR IT WILL AFFECT MY HEALTH BADLY. I need y’all to get ovr whatever issues y’all have with each other and just for this week or 2 PLEASE FOR ME JUST BITE YALLS TONGUES AND GET ALONG. I need for y’all to do this for me please. I am leaving in the morning for this week or 2 (whatever you decided on) and then do it. Tell them not to inform your mother that ur leaving in the morning. In the morning give her a kiss and a hug and don’t tell her. Just leave. If she gets made about it then tell her u didn’t tell her Bc u knew she would try to make u feel bad but the fact of the matter is that honestly it’s messed up and selfish of her to not comprehend the fact that YOU NEED TIME TO BE ABLE TO GRIEVE THE DEATH OF YOUR CHILD. Bc if u don’t get that time that y so desperately need then it come affect your health in a bad way. Tell her u love her and ur sorry for just going but she made it clear she wasn’t going to b understanding about this situation so u had to do what u had to do to insure your health and mental state. You can’t take care of her if u can’t take care of u. Youv got to b ok in order to take care of someone else.
I’m so sorry for you and your husband and kids for the loss of your baby. Let me know how it ends up going with this and ur mom. Good luck.
Seems to me your mother needs to be placed in assisted living or she needs to pay for in home health care. I truly don’t know why you’re putting up with this behavior. She’s horrible!
She’s 50. She’s not dead. She’s mentally cogent. Let her sort her care. What would she do if you weren’t around? That’s what she should do.
You need a break.
If you’re in the US, United Way 211 would be able to direct you to local respite care services and community aging to make a care plan for your mother.
drop her friend off with her and be on your way op
Stop trying to convince your mom, she will never agree. It’s time for you to take charge of this situation. If you don’t – then you will collapse and your entire family, including mother and ex will be in a terrible situation. Stop feeling guilty and take a big step back and think through this.
1. Have her friend come and stay for however long you need.
2. Tell the friend and your moms ex, they better get along or you will kick them out
3. Talk to you county or hospital to arrange for nurse to drop in. These are surprisingly reasonable and available.
4. Tell everyone – ypu have an emergency and have to deal with that. No details.
5. Leave
Sorry but you need to get her boyfriend and her out of your house. She’s 50 she’s not 80. If she can’t take care of herself and she needs to get put into some State home or something. You need to tell her doctor that you can’t take care of her anymore and something needs to be figure that out. Or if you can rent an apartment in her name pay first month’s rent and tell her she’s on her own because you can’t do it anymore. It may be cold but she has other friends that can help they can pitch in but she’s never going to leave otherwise. I get she has COPD and that’s an awful disease and it will kill her I don’t know how long I could be 10 days it could be another 5 years or more. She’s on disability she should qualify for a lots of programs so if she won’t do the footwork get her signed up and hopefully you can get her in some kind of government assisted apartment. And she can probably qualify for Medicaid and get home health care coming to her paid by Medicaid. But you need to deal with your grief yes.
What about you? Why isn’t her demand for your time and emotional labor selfish? IT IS. You are her child, her baby. She should be more concerned with you than herself. Has she always used you as a support system?
You have this all wrong. You can go on your trip at any time. You do not need your Mothers approval to go on a trip.
Your Mom is 50, she has COPD, she should be doing as much as she can to manage her own care. She can either be a child where you make decisions for her (I’m going on a trip for two weeks and x will be here to take care of you), or she can choose to be an adult and you can work together (I’m going on a trip for two weeks, do you need me to do anything before I go).
That may sound cruel but you’re neglecting your own health while allowing another person (who is adding to your stress) to run your life. Break the cycle, choose yourself. Grieve the way you need to, make the changes you need to and enhance your sense of happiness and fulfillment.
It is not selfish to take care of yourself. You have to, you can’t pour from an empty cup and you don’t have a lot left. Do what’s best for you, your Mom will figure it out, and if she doesn’t/refuses to, then she needs more care than you can provide if she’s truly that helpless.
Maybe talk to your communities office on aging to get her help on finding help
You don’t need her permission. Make your plans and then call her the day you leave. Go and look after yourself.
Take care of yourself. By doing this you are not selfish at all. I am so sorry for your loss.
Just have a home care worker come deal with them both once a day for any needs if they are largely still capable. If they arent capable enough for that put them in respite care in a facility. Yes they will hate it. Bad luck.
Offload the kids and just leave. No correspondence entered into.
Go and take a break. Before you break.
It’s not selfish to have limits to your capacity for self sacrifice. You’ve got solid plans to meet the needs of everyone currently depending on you for care. You’re not asking for permission, you’re informing her of your plans that are necessary for your health and wellbeing.
Go away, grieve, cry, rest.
You need time to grieve, and she is the one being selfish.
Google respite care in your area. You should be able to find someone to help your mom while you’re away. Depending on your state, medicaid may cover some of the cost.
Your city, county, and/or state may have an office for the aging. I know she’s not that old, but she has the same kinds of needs. They can direct you to social services for your mom and maybe the ex too. It’s common for very ill people to feel anxiety that they can’t handle. Your mom needs some counseling so that she can ease off dumping her anxiety on you.They also can help you find caregiver support programs.
Call 211 or go to 211.org to get info from the United Way on caregiver services.
You need a week or two off, but you also need regular help. You need grief support. You need weekly time to decompress and take care of yourself. Your kids need a healthy mom. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Just going to throw in a recommendation for the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Your mother will never willingly establish healthy boundaries between the two of you. It is up to you to do it. She needs to go into income-based assisted living and get out of your house. Same with her ex. You are not to be a martyr to the unreasonable demands of your mother, or anyone else.
You don’t need her permission. Just let her think you are being an AH to leave. She can be mad about it. You can’t manage her emotions for her or prevent her from getting angry.
Go and do what you need to do. Tell her you are going whether she likes it or not. Talk to the friend and make arrangements for them to come by and help your mom. Block her while you are gone if you have to. Just talk to the friend if you need updates.
Oh honey I am so sorry. Have you utilized social workers case workers at the hospital? Get a referral from her doctor. She absolutely is being incredibly selfish and emotionally abusive. You need a break and the fact she “needs” you is bs.
I would talk to the friends and let them know your leaving. Tell them to expect a trip to the hospital as she will probably have an emotional meltdown.
It’s time to find real resources for your mother. A board and care provider would be best. You need to find out through a social worker caseworker had to get in touch with a Medicare specialist who can help you find her housing.
Can your husband kick the ex out as well?
This is going to sound harsh, but you have 2 other children that REALLY need you. I’m sorry but your mother is an emotional vampire and a life leach.
You are figuratively, setting yourself (as well as your home, husband and two children!) on fire, to keep her warm! Funny how she keeps having these “crisis” when you try to get away, yet resists medical care other times. Hmm.
Sweetheart. My father died from COPD. It *is* ghastly, *however* the way you describe your mom, where she’s at….this will probably go on for years! YEARS.
It sounds like you won’t last that long. Your children shouldn’t have to last that long. Your marriage might not last that long.
Here’s the thing. Nobody’s going to save you. YOU have to save YOURSELF! YOU have to save your children. YOU have to reclaim your house and make it a HOME again. YOU have to CLAIM your life!!!
In a perfect world, you’d have a mom that saw your needs. That loved you enough to see you falling apart, but you don’t, sweetheart, you just don’t.
I’m so sorry about your baby. I’m so sorry that your plate is full. Dealing with a mom so narcissistic and self absorbed must seem like Mt. Everest. But you do. You’ve got to get her out, set the boundaries and reclaim your life.
Stop asking and start doing! What is she going to do about it? Be mad is about it. Go take your time off. She IS manipulating you very well. You are here asking us what to do. Get out get away and get rid of your guilt. Did you smoke for her? No. No you did not. I am not totally heartless and I also have COPD just not as advanced. Get yourself right. You are going to have a breakdown and it will be hard to get over.
She’s not going to let you go. If you weren’t around I’m sure she’d figure something out. You’re just the easiest option, and you(really her) need to figure out a backup plan in case something does happen to you.
If her friend is willing to help let her do it, and take your time off. Your mom is going to complain, but there is no solution that makes both of you happy.
51 with end stage COPD? Your ma must have smoked cowboy killers for decades. If she can’t understand that you need a mere two weeks to get your head clear after your child died of fuckin SIDS, then she’s a shitty mom. Take care of your mental health OP. Deal with your mama’s drama later.
She is using you and her ex it’s time to take control of your life tell her I go away now or you go in assisted living full time when I break because if you don’t care for yourself no one else will
You aren’t selfish for wanting a break but you know what?? If she says it again, just shrug your shoulders and say “so
I’ll be selfish then”
Don’t back down. You can’t pour from
An empty cup x
I find it odd that a woman who resists medical care all of a sudden is all ready to go to the ER everything you get ready to leave. She’s manipulating yoy. Take your power back, and don’t let her!