AITA #BabyNameDrama #RelationshipAdvice #FamilyConflict #PartnershipGoals
Choosing a name for your child can be an exciting yet contentious task for many couples. In this article, we unpack the question: "AITA for accusing my wife of being manipulative after she tried to get her way by telling her family the name she wants for our son so I would go along with it?" We’ll delve into the dynamics at play, offer insights into both perspectives, and provide helpful tips for navigating similar conflicts in future.
Background: Context is Key
- Marital History: The couple has been married for shy of four years.
- Pregnancy Announcement: The wife is almost 8 months pregnant.
- Initial Agreement: They were initially team green, not wanting to find out the baby’s sex.
The Disagreement
- Frustration Sparks: The wife got frustrated that her husband didn’t agree with her top name choices: Peter for a boy and Susan for a girl.
- Fair Compromise?: In response, she found out the baby’s sex (a boy) and gave her husband a list of her top 10 boy names, asking him to pick from that list.
- List Content: Names included Peter, Lawrence, Francis, Samson, Vincent, Patrick, Chester, Geoffrey, Stanley, and Caleb.
- Husband’s Choice Ignored: He chose Caleb, but his wife still preferred Peter.
Conflict Peaks: Actions at the Family Dinner
- Pre-Announcement: The couple had not agreed on a name before a family dinner.
- Manipulative Move?: The wife announced to her family that they had decided on the name Peter.
- Immediate Reaction: The husband, feeling blindsided, accused her of being manipulative, believing she was forcing his hand by making a premature announcement.
Analysis: Exploring Both Perspectives
Husband’s POV:
- Desire for Collaboration: He wishes to choose a name together, reflecting his early promises and their shared vision for parenting.
- Feeling Sidelined: Restricts his options to a provided list feels like erosion of his role.
- Public Pressure: The surprise announcement felt like an attempt to corner him into agreement, placing undue stress and social pressure.
Wife’s POV:
- Physical Role: She might feel that her carrying the child gives her more say in the name decision.
- Frustration with Process: Believing that having a preset list would streamline and ease the naming process.
- Seeking Family Support: Announcing the name at a family event might have been her way of sealing the decision with external validation.
Tips for Resolution
- Effective Communication: Both partners need to engage in open, honest dialogues about their feelings and expectations.
- Mutual Compromise: Instead of unilateral decisions, explore names together. Consider blending preferences or agreeing on a name that carries significance to both.
- Family Boundaries: Establish boundaries about what is shared with extended family, especially on unresolved issues.
- Consider Emotional Stakes: Recognize the emotional importance of names, particularly those honoring family members.
Final Thoughts: A Note on Partnership and Respect
Navigating through such personal decisions tests the mettle of a relationship. It’s crucial to honor each partner’s wishes and feelings, striving for cooperation rather than dominance. Critically, the question stems from shared, early promises of joint decision-making and mutual respect, underscoring the necessity of maintaining those principles.
In the end, communication and empathy are the bedrock upon which these disputes can be settled, ensuring both parents feel valued and heard in one of the most significant decisions of their lives.
NTA
Your wife is acting just plain vile. Baby names require the full approval of BOTH parents. Making that announcement in front of the family so you’d either have to roll with it or look like a complete ass in front of her family was just despicable.
Question. Have there been other times she’s been manipulative like this or undermined your opinion? Or is this behavior new? If it’s the former, then she just sucks, but if it’s latter I’d be questioning if she’s already experiencing a post partum mental issue, though it could also just be pregnancy hormones and stress.
NTA – baby names are usually two yes/one no. Good luck here, as this sounds like just the tip or the iceberg
NTA
Of course both of you should name your child. That’s the NORMAL thing. One person making unilateral decisions is gross at best.
Baby names rules: BOTH PARENTS MUST AGREE ON THE NAME. Your wife doesn’t get to name the child just because she is carrying it. Her family doesn’t get a say in the name either. The name is a decision that you both get to choose. She is being manipulative and mean.
NTA
I want to say NTA
She’s got the mindset that she’s doing the hard work carrying the baby, she gets to name it and that’s unfair. It’s just as much your baby as hers.
She wants you involved in naming your son, but only if you agree to the name she chose. What’s even more egregious, you picked a name from her top ten list and that still wasn’t good enough.
Also, Peter?! Are you having a baby or a fat middle aged drunk from Quahog?
NTA. It’s your child too and frankly, unless Peter and Susan are family names, they’re wild choices for a baby. Those are the people you call at corporate. That’s me being petty but let’s move along. You threw in the last name thing at the end and that broadened this spectrum of control. She made such a stink about her brother in law not giving a shit about anything, but you’ve taken her last name and she’s taken full control over finding out the sale , and the name of your child. Is control a regular issue in your relationship? If so…parenting together is going to be a wild ride.
NTA. Is this something that happened out of the blue? Or are you married to someone who has no respect for you? Does she do this with other decisions you have to make as a couple?
NTA – he’s your son, too, so it’s actually quite gross of her to say she’s “letting you be involved” with the naming of your child. But I have news for you: this is literally just the first test of your parenting as a team and the two of you have to figure it out. My husband and I had our lists of preferences, vetoed options from each other’s lists, and then one of us picked a first name and then the other picked the middle name. It definitely helped that we were having twins, as we switched that up for the other child, but she has to acknowledge that you have strong feelings about your child and your opinions are just as valid (when it comes to the child itself, not talking about childbirth or anything that affects her body) as hers.
Additionally, while there are countless dads out there who let their wives choose and be in charge of all parenting decisions, guess which guys were also less than helpful as coparent? The ones who didn’t care. So, while it would’ve been nice to get to choose my personal favorite baby names and pick out all the nursery stuff by myself, my super opinionated husband was also up for every feeding, changed almost every diaper while I recuperated from a c-section in the hospital, and dove into being the incredible dad that he is head first (our girls are 5.5 now and he’s genuinely their best friend). That’s worth so much more.
NTA and she is manipulative. She also gave you a list and when you chose from list, still wants her original name – that’s also manipulative.
NTA. She was def trying to force your hand by announcing a name you didn’t agree upon. My husband didn’t have much to contribute to the Name Game, but he had veto power. Both parents need to agree. Btw, I think Ever Lee would be an adorbs name for a boy 😊 Best of luck!
Tell her you don’t want your son to have a name that also means penis.
NTA. what a vile thing to do. hopefully its just the hormones. i wish you luck.
NTA. It was manipulative and will likely make you hate the name Peter, which terribly offends all petefriends.
And you took her name too…what a low blow.
Were I you I would get back my name, and not give in about the name. Wow.
Yikes. This is the woman you chose to marry??? Good luck op. There’s more where that came from. I can’t imagine what other bullshit she’ll pull.
Peter and Susan are perfectly good names, but naming a kid is a two yeses situation. You both have to be on the same page. NTA. But since you’re here, I’m going to assume that maybe you want a suggestion or two. Maybe look for names that feel like Peter that you like. Look for Narnia names and see if there are any in there that you would be okay with. Does she have any other books she liked? Maybe there is a name there that you can agree on. Offer to get a pet and name the pet Peter. Good luck OP. Your wife is full of hormones and angst. This is normal in pregnant women.
NTA
of course petty me now thinks you should say fine to Peter–and you will change your last name back and the baby will take your last name.
I STRONGLY suggest that you make marriage counselling mandatory as a condition of continuing your marriage.
You must have at least 4 sessions before the baby is born.
You have no idea how much stress a baby puts in a marriage – and yours is already about to crumble into nothing.
Disrespect and contempt are love killers, and your wife is showing you absolute contempt. It’s loud and clear.
This will be unpleasant, because you will need to be firm and unwavering – even though your heart is breaking. Marriage counselling now or you’re leaving – you’re absolutely NOT going to be in a disrespectful and manipulative relationship.
It will be difficult because the status quo is working for her. You have to make it so that it no longer works for her.
I’m very sorry, but you are going to have to stand up and be firm and be a person worthy of respect because you respect yourself no matter what is thrown at you.
Nta
NTA. I don’t foresee this marriage lasting long.
NTA why did you marry this person? How will you spend the rest of your life with someone this manipulative?
NTA
Your wife sucks. I wouldn’t stay married with someone like that.
NTA – As someone else said baby names are two yeses only.
You may need to get some outside help on this, like a trained marriage counselor, because this could get really dicey, sooner rather than later.
NTA names are 2 yes 1 no. Simple as that.
NTA. I would tell her that your compromise is having Everly as a middle name. It can be used for a boy, Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s named his son Everly Bear.
Normally, I wouldn’t advocate going petty, but I would start calling the kid Peppers as in Peter Piper or Pumpkin as in Peter, Peter pumpkin eater. If she gets angry about that call the kid Brady because the name reminds you of Peter Brady. Tell her that you don’t like Peter Pan. Say you don’t want your kid named after slang for a penis. Just completely ruin the name for her. Let her know you will never refer to the kid as Peter.
Seriously though, I would have a sit down convo and tell her that this has upset you to the point that you don’t want any more kids with her and are questioning the marriage. Maybe she truly doesn’t understand how upset you are.
>She told me too loudly that I was being a jerk and “couldn’t change my mind now” so her whole family were pissed off at me for trying to change Peter.
Ohhh this was *dirty*.
Either something has gone wildly off the rails in your wife’s brain, or you did not marry the person you thought you’d married. This is a *really* alarming shift.
NTA, but you’ve got bigger problems.
Funny how these stories always include things like “her sisters husband saying I’m a weak man”, when in the real world the sisters husband doesn’t give a fuck what the baby is called and wants nothing to do with the in-laws family drama, he’s more likely keeping quiet somewhere until he can go home and do his own things.
OP is NTA, but everyone here shitting on the name ‘Peter’ is weird. It’s a perfectly fine name, just not one OP prefers.
When people show you who they are believe them. Sadly now you’re locked in with a baby so there’s child support for at least 18 years. I’d run from the marriage though
NTA and she was and still is being manipulative. Naming a kid is a two yes’s and one no situation.
NTA. I honestly HATE when women try to say they’re the only ones who get to have a say when naming a child simply because they carried it. Like as a woman why would you want your partner to not have any say want so ever. And she was being VERY manipulative and quite calculating by doing what she did at her family’s house. And she purposely did it because she felt like you wouldn’t speak up
Your mistake was taking your wife aside. You should have called her out at the dinner table in front of everyone. NTA
NTA but your wife sounds highly manipulative. Call it like you see it. If you don’t like a name…that name should be off the list. If Caleb was on her list and you chose it – that should be the name. When you antagonize your partner before your child is even born – you are playing a dangerous game with your relationship.
NTA. Your wife is completely one though. She is definitely being both manipulative and dismissive.
NTA, she’s definitely being manipulative
Peter and Susan? Why am I getting Narnia vibes?! NTA your wife is twisting facts to get her way from what was said. Tell her family the truth, name is not agreed on and she is trying to force the name.
NTA, she’s not only manipulative but super toxic on top of that. If honestly tell her you NEED couple therapy because she needs a wake-up call severely. In 5-10 years this story is the one people use to explain why they’re getting divorced. 😬
I am a woman so nobody jump down my throat. Tell her that since you don’t have any right to naming the child that she gets to take care of it completely that includes waking up all the time with it. Feeding it, changing him, etc. she can also support him financially since she’s the one that carried him. you’re either a team or you’re not a team.
NTA. What she did is extremely manipulative. Find a counselor for both of y’all and parenting classes (find something that is geared to BOTH parents or biodad friendly because sometimes they can be very “pro mom” and that isn’t fair). Your wife sounds exhausting to deal with and this should be an eye opener on what is to come.
NTA
And I’m sorry, but this has NOTHING to do with hormones the wife is just an arsehole.
Good luck with the rest of your marriage, because I think you’re going to need it.
Good grief. This is not the way to treat a husband when having a child together. She’s a grade-a manipulator and isn’t Even sorry about it. NTA
Your wife is being a major dick and I don’t particularly like her taste in names either.
You need to keep going through names until you find one you both like.
Everly is a beautiful name for a girl and if you ever get to have a daughter, I hope you get to name her that.
Nobody is going to hear the name Peter and think “oh from Narnia?”they’ll be more likely to think “from Quahog?”🤣 this is coming from someone that have the all of the Narnia books and movies.