FamilyTherapy #BlendedFamily #MentalHealth #AITA #StepFamilyDynamics
Does Family Therapy Work for Everyone?
When it comes to understanding the dynamics of a blended family, one crucial question arises: AITA for saying family therapy is a waste of time and I’m done? This question uncovers deep-seated emotions and conflicting motives within a family trying to heal and integrate.
Let’s break down the context to better grasp the intricacies of this situation.
Blended Family Dynamics: A Complex Web
Family therapy often aims to harmonize relationships within blended families. Here, we have a 15-year-old girl whose dad remarried, integrating two step-siblings and their respective parents into one family.
- Dad’s Perspective: Feels the children haven’t embraced the family change in their hearts.
- Step-Mom’s Viewpoint: Believes there’s no authentic connection and wants to foster one before it’s too late.
- Stepbrother’s Take: Thinks therapy is a way to force a new dad on him.
- Teenage Daughter’s Opinion: Sees therapy as an attempt to mold them into the family’s vision, a process she never signed up for.
Confronting the Reality: Therapy Session Insights
During a recent session, the family counselor used a questionnaire to measure how well members knew each other. Painfully, the results highlighted the rift:
- Knowledge Gaps: The teenager knew her deceased mom and brother’s preferences better than her current family.
- Emotional Fallout: Stepmom and dad were upset, interpreting this as a lack of effort on the teen’s part.
These insights emphasize the disconnect and varying engagement levels among family members, reflecting the teenage daughter’s growing exasperation with the entire process.
Therapy Goals Misaligned: A Recipe for Conflict?
The teenager argues that the family therapy sessions are a waste of time. Why?
- Different Objectives: Parents want to "fix" the family image; the kids see it as coercion.
- Emotional Readiness: Both step-siblings may be unwilling or unready to adopt new family roles.
Reasons Behind the Negative Perception of Family Therapy
The question "AITA for saying family therapy is a waste of time and I’m done?" dives deep into why someone’s experience with family therapy might be negative:
- Perceived Coercion: The therapy feels like a means to enforce roles and relationships.
- Emotional Disconnect: The teenagers feel their individuality isn’t recognized or valued.
- Unresolved Grief: Past losses (e.g., mother’s death, brother’s passing) overshadow current family integration efforts.
Teens Speak Out: Personal Agency
Undoubtedly, teenagers value agency in decisions affecting their lives. Feeling unheard or pressured often leads to rebellion and withdrawal.
- Expressing Frustration: The girl’s statement about the therapy being a waste reflects her growing frustration.
- Seeking Understanding: The underlying plea is for her parents to acknowledge her feelings and past.
Summary: Is Family Therapy Always the Answer?
So, AITA for saying family therapy is a waste of time and I’m done?
- The Context Matters: Understanding each family member’s emotional state and history is critical.
- One-Size-Fits-All?: Therapy isn’t a universal solution. Alternatives may be required to address specific needs.
Ultimately, family members may have differing perceptions of therapy’s worth. Addressing their needs and fostering mutual respect and understanding may pave the way for genuine connection.
In conclusion, the teenage daughter’s perspective highlights a complex emotional landscape requiring tailored solutions beyond traditional family therapy sessions.
What do you think about family therapy? Have you experienced similar conflicts or found useful alternatives? Share your thoughts below! 💬🧑‍💻
NTA, but given the situation, it looks like your dad and your stepmom might make you continue to go to therapy anyway. Good luck, op. Stay strong
Your parent and step parent aren’t going to get the family they “want”, or envision, or whatever. You and your step brother are not made of clay – you can’t be molded into shape. Everybody in this situation has experienced terrible losses and I expect you are all suffering.
In the opinion of this random internet person your respective parents should (or could) focus on loving and accepting the family they have rather than trying to force a vision on leaving breathing people who have their own feelings, lives, and autonomy.
NTA
NTA.
Your parents anger me. Your parents’ idea of therapy is that it’s a tool to manipulate the two of you into being the family they want. But YOU TWO can use it as a way of being heard when you say that’s not something that interests you.
>They got super mad at me, and later got super mad at my stepbrother as well. They wanted me to swear I will change my mind or else I’ll be difficult for no real reason.
What they said was shameful bullying. Period. So: Go to the next session. Tell the therapist exactly this, tell the therapist what happened. That’s the only way you and your step brother are going to get heard. MAYBE the therapist can talk some sense into your parents.
Tell the therapist what YOU want out of therapy : which is that you want your parents to *drop* this crusade they have to force y’all to be the Waltons. Point out that by trying to make you closer to your step brother, all they’ve done is make you resent the WHOLE family.
Good luck.
NTA but you have a great therapist, really đź‘Ť
He completely nailed it with his question, it’s not just you that didn’t blend into that family, it’s all of you (*dad and step-mom included*).
* She know nothing about you, but is trying to make it your fault.
* Your step-brother know nothing about anybody, in fact he has already checked out of the family, even his mother.
* Your dad seems to have stopped making effort at some point since he did knew about you before, but still know nothing of his step-son.
It’s not a “you” problem, it’s that they never acted in a way that could help blending the family (*basically learning to know the others*). Making new babies has never been a way to do so, it just create a genetic link, that’s not enough to call it family.
>instructions to reflect but not fight
And so they immediateky started fighting with you.
TELL THE THERAPIST THIS!
—
>They said I need to start working harder in therapy
or — and here’s a crazy idea — they could start working harder as parents and actually fucking LISTEN to what you and your step-brother are saying.
NTA, but I would encourage you to reconsider… Your therapist sounds like she knows what she’s doing. She very intentionally included your mother and brother on the questionnaire to start the process of forcing your father and stepmother to recognize that your deceased relatives are still part of your family and that they are being disrespectful.
I think if you contact her now (you should be able to contact her office without needing to go through your father and stepmother) or wait until your next session, she will be very receptive to the fact that your father and stepmother disregarded her homework instructions and immediately picked a fight with you instead of reflecting on their own shortcomings. If she’s any good (and again, the fact that she included your mother and brother suggests that she is), and she has experience in family therapy, she is probably your best chance of getting your father and stepmother to recognize that you and your step brother are entitled to your own feelings and your own goals.
But regardless of what you decide to do now, you have done nothing wrong. Your father and stepmother are choosing to put their own preferences over your and your step brother’s actual needs. Which means they are not only being AHs, they are being bad parents (which is ironic, given their stated goals)
NTA
But I think you should continue family therapy and push for the goals that you want out of it. To foster understanding and making the situation in your family healthier. Point out to the therapist that a fight was started because of the questionnaire and that you stepmom also doesnt know anything about you and that wasnt reflected on by her
NTA- your step mom is a hypocrite given that she didn’t know the right answers about you, and not much about her actual bio kid. I doubt shifting the blame was what the therapist meant by “reflecting”. Don’t let them feel bad about remembering your late family!
NTA I vote you and step brother team up and tell the therapist just how the adults in the situation are acting.Â
NTA
NTA
I really have nothing to add to the already excellent advice others have posted to you.
I did think it would be so ironic if you and your stepbrother DID become closer because of therapy. But, more of a ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’ type situation.
It’s a waste of time. Parents with children who marry and then try to force those kids to be best friends is simply a waste of energy and time. Going to therapy isn’t going to change that, it seems the harder you try to force them together the harder it fails. My moms been married multiple times and I have ‘step-family’ who I’ve never even met, let alone care about. Of COURSE you know more about your late brother than you do your half siblings, he was YOUR BROTHER!! You are who you are and aren’t going to be forced to change. NTA at all…
NTA. They don’t want to hear your feelings or what you want. They want to hear what they want to hear. They are being controlling.
NTA. No one can force you to have a relationship with anyone else, or accept them as your family member. These relationships develop over time, and yes, you should be open to trying it out at first, but if it isn’t there, it ISN’T there! If your step mother wants to know you better and for you to know her better, she needs to try to work that out, spend some time alone and do things together that you both like doing. To Find something that you like, and try to support you in doing that activity. Same with your step brother. These relationships need to be nurtured to develop healthily. They can’t just tell you “like your step mother and step brother”. This is something that needs to develop organically in order to have meaning.
NTA I love how your stepmom tried to turn it on you when she didn’t know anything about you either. I recommend getting a part time job and get ready to save to move out.
NTA. They aren’t owed anything, and a situation like this is complicated enough they are being way too entitled to your feelings. If they want to find a peaceful resolution they need to take several steps back and adjust their selfish expectations.
NTA. Your parent and step-parent are, for trying to force you and him to love people you don’t.Â
Your step-brother is also a victim and therefore a potential ally, as ironic as it would be for you to grow closer by fighting this together.
I’m not inclined to trust therapy. But as other comments have pointed out, this therapist might turn out to be an ally too. And fighting your parent is always dangerous for a minor: they can make your life hell. So you really might be better off trying to use the therapy to make your parent and step-parent see how wrong they are.
NTA but you should keep playing along with the therapy. That therapist is on your side.
Softly softly catchy monkey. Try to avoid aggravating them if you can. People aren’t receptive to new ideas when they’re feeling defensive.
Nta. More unblended family bs.
>After we left the session, **with instructions to reflect but not fight about what we discovered that day,**
This is the moment at which any high ground they *believe* they have was surrendered. Therapy doesn’t work if the patients are just going to ignore it.
NTA.
NTA If you go to another therapy session ask them why they can’t be happy with the way things are? You don’t fight with each other, your just not interested in each other. Talk to stepbrother tell him that instead of you and him always being made responsible for them not having their dream family you two need to put it where it belongs on parents. They didn’t consult you when they chose to start this ‘happy’ family thing so they shouldn’t blame you because it didn’t work as they wanted.
NTA. What is your stepmom going to change as she knows nothing about you either. The reality is that both you and your stepbrother will move out as soon as you can and the only family they will have are the children they had together. If they keep going they will lose what little relationship they now have with both of you.
NTA. Wow – stepmom and dad missed the point of the exercise. That exercise was actually very good and eye-opening. Stepmom doesn’t know her steps or bio children’s favorite things. She’s not present for her actual kids. You’re not the one who has to do the work: it is dad and stepmom. Therapist knew that you and your stepbrother were absolutely clear on who has the problem here. Stepmom.
I had this lady from the government that tried to tell my mom that I wasn’t just on board with this picture perfect family bullshit she tried to push down my throat with her asshole of a boyfriend and her kids and need to give me space. Her version of space was moving out when I was 12 to 15 to live with her boyfriend and family on a whole other island and leaving me like 59 dollars a month to feed me and the dog. My teacher and his wife started to feed me when my grandma didn’t.Â
Some parents just can’t accept it. And I’m sorry yours can’t either, NTAÂ
NTA. Blending families is HARD, and the work has to be done by the parents first. The adults in your house decided that you were going to be a family and left you and your stepbrother to do all the work on your own.
Stay in therapy, but do let the therapist know what’s going on at home. They still want you to do all the work.
NTA. Tell them you’ll go when they agree to stop loving each other instantly, get a divorce, have your dad marry a woman you pick for him and your stepmom marry a man her son picks for her, and instantly fall in love with and form a deep bond with their new spouse.
When they tell you that’s ridiculous, tell them it’s equally ridiculous for them to expect you and stepbrother to change your feelings around and love new relatives you had no say in acquiring, just because your dad and stepmom chose each other based on what they wanted in a spouse. Love and family don’t just happen to order even in biological families- there are blood siblings who never really bond.
NTAÂ
Your idea of what your dad & his wife want is spot on. It might be ok if they were willing to meet you halfway. Doesn’t sound like they are willing. They’re paying for someone to fix you, not to understand and grow with you.Â
But. There’s always a but. Think about how this will play out. Make sure you’re thinking realistically about the future. I don’t see unrealistic thinking, but you’ve only discussed the past and present. How will you get to the best possible future that you want? I’m not saying surrender. But maybe you strategically give them some of what they want when it leads to things you want.Â
NTA – but go to at least one more session and be sure to tell the therapist exactly what they did to you as soon as you got out of the session. Because your dad and stepmom went directly against her instructions *”to reflect but not fight about what we discovered that day”*, and that’s emblematic of the whole damn problem. They have a fixed idea of what they want and who’s to blame, and they won’t even listen to the expert trying to advise them.
It’s also immensely ironic that they’re blaming it all on you and your stepbrother, when it’s clear from your description of who remembers which person’s favourites, that *everyone has blind spots*, including your dad and his wife (who remembers almost nothing about what her own son likes).
NTA The adults here are pretty hypocritical *especially* your stepmom. She doesn’t know shit about you or her own son. Why should you or your step brother care about her and what she wants as a family?
I think at 17 and 15 they’ve missed their opportunity lol NTA
NTA
Step parents need to understand that just because you marry someone with a kid, that does not mean that kid is going to see you as mom/dad.
How is your relationship with your stepbrother? Do you two fight all the time or just remain civil?
Nta I get so frustrated by parents who think therapy is a way to “fix ” a cold just because they don’t do what the parent wants. Especially when it’s the parent with unreasonable expectations.
It sounds like the therapist knows what they’re doing though, including your mom and brother in the questionnaire. Maybe theycould actually help your dad and stepmom rethink things.Â
Right now possibility that your father and stepmom might eventually understand how to be better, supportive parental figures for you is strong. Family therapy is for every single person. Your parents haven’t understood this yet. I think with the outcome of the most recent session, it would be worth it to continue. This seems like it could actually be an inflection point, and you and your stepbrother have the opportunity to communicate this to your parents most effectively right now. It just sucks that young people are often called upon to be more mature than their own parents. You’re NTA, though.
Do you even fight a lot with your stepbrother? If not and your relationship is “we say hi to each other and that’s about it” it would make it no different to any other sibling relationship with the two of your ages/genders. 17 year old boys don’t give a fuck about 15 year old girls they live with and the reverse holds true.Â
Asking because you don’t mention having any kind of adverse relationship with him? I don’t see what the problem is that needs therapy????
Sorry for your loss of your mother and younger brother. Gotta be tough.Â
NTAÂ
NTA. I swear it should be illegal for some people to have children.
NTA. I’m thinking that there is going to be an unexpected outcome here: OP and her SB will find common ground in the battle against their mutual enemies.
Good luck, OP!
So you, the child, are expected to put in more effort the your step mom, the adult. She didn’t know the answers either. NTA