AITA #StepKids #ForgivenessJourney #BlendedFamilyChallenges
Navigating complex family dynamics can be incredibly challenging, especially when unresolved conflicts and painful memories are involved. If you’re wondering, "AITA because my husband says I need to forgive my stepkids (his kids) but I just can’t do it?" you’re certainly not alone. Let’s delve into this deeply emotional issue, offering insights, context, and possible resolutions.
Understanding the Gravity of the Situation
When you entered your husband’s life, you welcomed not only him but also his children. Blended families often come with their own set of trials, but your experience appears particularly tumultuous.
- Custody Conflicts: Your husband had full custody of his children due to the absence of their mother, who was dealing with addiction. This meant his children’s primary caregiver role fell onto you both.
- Behavioral Issues: Encouraged or influenced by their biological mother, your stepchildren engaged in contentious behaviors—stealing, causing property damage, even totaling your car.
- Verbal and Physical Harassment: Additional torment included your house being broken into and property damage, not to mention verbal attacks from the ex-wife during school events.
The Toll on Your Family
The trauma didn’t stop with you; it extended to your children as well. Your daughter, who has autism, suffered damage to her possessions. This, combined with the continuous hostility, prompted you to make the tough decision to move out of state, prioritizing safety and mental well-being.
- Decisive Action: Your husband chose to move with you, acknowledging the severity of the situation.
- Lingering Resentment: Despite the physical distance, the stepchildren continued to inflict emotional harm via drunken calls and texts, often excluding you entirely from family events.
Forgiveness Isn’t a Switch
Your husband’s plea for forgiveness stems from his own struggle to reconcile past events. The concept of forgiveness, often idealized in religious contexts, can weigh heavily on individuals devastated by repeated betrayals.
- Emotional Burden: Your husband believes in the biblical call for forgiveness, seeing it as a pathway to healing.
- Reasonable Resistance: However, the emotional toll you’ve endured makes this easier said than done. Forgiving does not necessarily equate to forgetting or fully moving on.
Why Is It Hard to Forgive?
Forgiveness is a personal journey, often complicated by unresolved trauma and ongoing emotional injury. Here are a few factors making it particularly hard for you:
- Repeated Trauma: The stepchildren’s actions weren’t isolated incidents but a series of traumatic experiences that severely impacted your sense of security.
- Ongoing Conflict: Continued hostility and exclusion from family events keep reopening old wounds.
- Emotional Scars: The cruel actions against your children and you have left deep emotional scars.
Finding a Path Forward
You can forgive and still set boundaries. The essence of forgiveness is to release the hold of negativity on your mental and emotional well-being. It doesn’t necessitate forcing a relationship with toxic individuals.
- Counseling: A family therapist can help mediate conversations between you, your husband, and potentially the stepchildren.
- Setting Boundaries: It’s crucial to establish strong boundaries, protecting your mental health and emotional wellbeing.
- Personal Peace: Remember, you can choose to forgive for your own peace without allowing abusive behavior to persist.
Conclusion: Are You the A**hole?
Given the magnitude of the trauma you’ve been through, questioning whether you’re the ahole seems unjust. You’re coping with a complex blend of past hurts and ongoing conflicts. Prioritizing your mental and emotional health doesn’t make you an ahole; it makes you human. Your husband’s quest for forgiveness should be balanced with compassion towards your emotional journey.
In a world where forgiveness is often touted as the ultimate virtue, it’s essential to recognize the value of self-preservation and emotional boundaries.
Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below! 💬 Let’s support each other through these tough times and find peace in shared understanding. 🌟
NTA, it doesn’t sound like they’ve done anything to make amends or even just to apologise. You don’t have to forgive people who are not sorry.
Who cares what a book written by dead men says, you don’t owe anyone forgiveness.
NTA.
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting and forgiving. You DID move on. You moved away and continued your life and marriage. Your husband is the one who needs to “get over it.” He need to get over thinking his kids are going to be decent human beings and leave you alone.
NTA, the Bible also says that children who disrespect their parents should be stoned to death in the village square. His point? You can forgive and not forget. I would not attempt a reconciliation until all if his kids show clean drug tests and no outstanding warrants. Never allow the thieves back in your home. Seems his kids fell off below junkie mom’s tree.
NTA.
Clearly the ex-wife did not want her kids to have a step-mom. It doesn’t matter if the kids were doing her bidding or being destructive of their own volition. At some point you just have to separate from the chaos.
**Before you can forgive, they need to actually apologize and feel remorse**. Otherwise that’s not forgiving them, it’s just ignoring their behavior. And even if they did apologize and you did forgive, that doesn’t mean you forget. You don’t have to trust them and certainly not reward them in your will.
NTA – true forgiveness is for you to let go of all that negative energy and set yourself free. This is not the same forgiveness as pretending they didn’t make your life a living hell so you can play nice, nice now.
Which one does he want?
Option A, awesome, he loves you.
Option B, yeah, hell no.
If anything i would say yta to yourself. You have business and assets, clearly he seems to need you more than you need him and yet you are accepting to be abused like that?
He choose to move with you and leave his kids behind, that means he himself couldn’t stand the situation.
If after that he is still trying to push you to “be a better person”, then he is either a really weak minded or he is with you just for your money.
Forgiveness means you let go of the anger and hurt. It doesn’t mean reconciliation and not setting boundaries.
I believe the bible says one must confess their sins to be forgiven. Ask hubby when are his kids coming to confess their sins and ask for forgiveness. NTA
NTA. Here’s the thing, he wasn’t the one who was so harassed he felt the need to move out of state.
They are his family so it’s up to him if he continues contact with them, they are NOT your family and you also have the option to not have contact.
I didn’t hear anywhere that they got help, apologised to you, made amends for all the damage they caused.
Given that I absolutely wouldn’t have anything to do with that. Taylor Swift says it better than me :
You know, people go on and on about, like, you have to forgive and forget to move past something. No, you don’t. You don’t have to forgive and you don’t have to forget to move on. You can move on without any of those things happening. You just become indifferent, and then you move on.
NTA. You should forgive. Doesn’t mean you have to do this to their face. It could be a letter, email, etc. However, it does NOT mean you have to forget. I would also let them know in that same communication, that you will not put yourself into a situation where you or your kids could be harmed again. First time, shame on them. Second time shame on you.
Forgive them for things that only stopped because *you both moved*? They’re still engaging in their super-shitty behavior (and I’m relieved to hear you’ve protected your own assets). What’s to forgive if it hasn’t even stopped? NTA. Tell your husband that’s the end of the discussion until they show genuine change … and even then you aren’t obligated to do a damn thing.
And still, you are with him despite all the harm they, through your husband have done to you and your own children.Listen, you stayed with him when you should have protected your kids. Go ahead and forgive the step kids, put them in your will and really seal the deal in your foolishness. Hell, give them your investments and properties now and fulfill your martyr syndrome. Go ahead and tally all the N-T-A in here to validate your martyrdom.
YTA. You are sticking around and accepting this and you know it.
Info: what does forgiveness look like to your husband? What exactly does he expect you to do here?
NTA Make it clear to husband that he must stop expecting/asking you to
forgive his children, you will not talk about it anymore and refuse to waste
your energy even thinking about them. He did move away with you, so he
did know in his heart that you both needed to start afresh, but he now has
to let it go once and for all.
NTA
They are not your kids and are still harassing you. Your husband can do what he wants with what’s his. You can do what you want with what’s yours.
Also, forgiveness doesn’t mean they get a hall pass to continually hurt you. Honestly, you should probably reconsider if you want to stay in this marriage, because even though he moved with you, he never let them go, and is STILL allowing them to psychologically torture you. ENOUGH!
P.S. “God will not be mocked. What a man sows, he also will reap.” They’re simply reaping the consequences of their own actions.
There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting what happened yesterday and letting the same people destroy you today.
Forgiveness need to be earned. Through apologizing, making things right and showing better behavior. This isn’t something that has happened a long time ago, it’s still ongoing.
While there is no point in holding a grudge you do have the right to set boundary’s to protect yourself and your children.
I understand they had a poor influence but they are grown up enough now to be responsible for their own choices.
I’m curious what your husband expects to see from you when you forgive. Does he expect you to have family meals and attend their events? Why does he need you to forgive so badly?
NTA
Why can’t he see them without you? You literally don’t even need to talk to them. Your husband needs to accept y’all will never get along. Protect the money.
Nta and I can only assume YOUR kids are protected to get all your assets and they get ZILCH.
Considering their behavior hasn’t ended, I don’t know how your husband expects you to forgive anything.
Info: What exactly does your husband think this forgiveness entails? NTA regardless
INFO: Have you blocked his kids? Like, is this a situation where they contact him and he fills you in or are they reaching out to you directly?
Because it sounds to me like if you want to stay with your husband the best thing would be to set some boundaries. You are no contact with his children. You want nothing to do with them and he respects that. He can talk to them as much as he wants go to their events whatever, but your name stays out of their mouth and vice versa. As far as things go, you don’t exist to each other.
But, the real kicker is that HE has to be the one to maintain those boundaries. That means, he doesn’t come to you trying to advocate for them. He doesn’t come to you trying to get you to forgive or “get over” the past. And his kids keep their toxic bullshit away from you.
Seriously, this could be a very easy stress-free fix for you as long as you are clear that he handles their bullshit away from you.
NTA have your will put in order tomorrow. They’re right, what Will happen to your stuff? As long as the paperwork is done on your part, it won’t matter; because you would be doing it there could be no slyness when you’re gone.
If he’s the one that keeps bringing it up, it’s probably because he’s not over it.
Give them back their dad. Be done with him and them. Divorce him and date him if you like. I’m sure your estate is good but leave no link for them to get a dime.
NTA. If they had criticized your tuna salad, insulted your hair, or teased your kids, maybe. But what these kids are doing is feral. You should be scared for your physical safety. Hard no. And I’d also ask Dad – have you ever told them to quit it? That if they keep doing that to your wife, you’ll lose dad, too?
NTA! I hope you have protected your assets so they go to your kids and potential grandkids and not to his kids. Even if it means cutting him out. Protect your kids inheritance.
NTA. Forgiveness is for you and doesn’t mean a return to the status quo. Block them. You have no need to have them in your life.
Your husband is free to have a relationship with them.
Your property shouldn’t go to them; they’re awfully entitled for people who treated you badly.
I’d be concerned about them thinking their dad will inherit and taking action to make that happen more quickly.
NTA. You should consider setting up a trust and putting all of your assets in it. If you were to pass before your husband he could give everything to his kids, and they have made it clear that’s their main concern.
If you set up a trust you can establish an attorney or someone you can trust (just saying your husband seems pretty set to forgive and forget) to doll out the funds as needed to your husband AND daughter for specified expenses until your daughter comes of age and can get the full amount you’d like her to inherit.
Otherwise I’d be very concerned he would just give them all or most of the assets and your daughter would be left with nothing.
OP, please make sure that your assets listed in your will, trust, properties, etc all go to your daughter only. If you want to leave anything to your husband, please make sure it is not cash.
Put stipulations in your trust that any property (if yours) that your husband occupies can only be occupied by him. No other person can reside there or stay there overnight (for example). If that happens, the property will immediately be put up for sale. Obviously, don’t let your husband’s name be on any of your assets and/or properties. Maybe you could stipulate that the trust would directly pay the property taxes for X number of years.
Try to think of ways his kids would try to get your money and assets, and then put language in your trust to block that.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are NTA, not by a long shot.
INFO: Did I miss the part where these drunk-dialing, exclusionary step-kids repented their behavior and asked for forgiveness?
NTA. These “kids” are now adults. They have caused intentional harm, stolen from you, damaged property, etc. Personally, I think you should just part ways with this guy because he is never going to see his kids as anything but sweet little angels. You need to protect yourself, your children, AND your property FIRST.
ESH. Your husband is the asshole for choosing his delinquent ex to be the mother of his children, and then abandoning them with her. What did he think was going to happen.
You also are the asshole for choosing to be with a guy who would do this. What did you think was going to happen?