#Help #AdviceNeeded #RelationshipDilemma
So, Mother’s Day came around and my husband dropped a bombshell on me. 🤯 We’ve been together for 4 years, and he has never really celebrated any special occasions for me besides a card that feels more like an apology. I go all out for him, surprising him with parties, gifts, you name it. But this year, I couldn’t hold back my feelings.
I poured my heart out about feeling neglected and lonely all year, only to be met with a response that shook me to my core. 😢 He told me that he used to write long, heartfelt letters to his ex-wife, and the reason he doesn’t do the same for me is that she was the one he wanted to start a “real family” with.
Now, I’m left questioning my place in his life. Am I not good enough in his eyes? Does he really not see me as family like I see him and our kids? 💔 With no family of my own, building a life with him and our children is incredibly important to me.
So, what do you think? Should I keep trying to save this relationship, or is it time to move on to find someone who values me as much as I value them? Let me know in the comments below! 💬 #RelationshipAdvice #Motherhood #FamilyFirst 🌸
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I hate this bastard and he barely tolerates you for some reason. Why put up with this shit when you deserve SO much better then this ass clown.
This holiday is fraught with feelings and drama. I mix a stepmom group and today and the days leading up to and following are just nuts.
Fundamentally, you are not his mother and you’re not the mother of his child. As a stepmom, I help my stepkids get a gift for their dad because they’re not old enough to do it themselves.
But I don’t expect a gift or a card from my partner. We don’t have a mutual child and I’m not his mom.
Still, even the cashier at a gas station who knows I don’t have kids wished me happy Mother’s Day and so did my mother in law. So I get it. It wouldn’t have taken much effort on his part.
HOWEVER, your dude isn’t doing ANY of the “days”. None! He can’t handle Xmas or VDay or your fucking birthday?! That’s garbage.
Also…it sounds like you like throwing parties and buying gifts but he doesn’t actually like it. People who like that crap plan it. Not everyone does.
I’d be booking some therapy. Neither of you seem to be thinking of what the other actually wants or needs.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Happy Mother’s Day!
If that is his attitude, then I would pack it in.
Been together for 4 years and you have a husband who doesn’t cherish you or give you any effort.
He’s clearly resentful for his previous life falling apart and simply settling for you.
Most of us, have had relationships that we were all in on that ended up failing… Does that mean you should give up on your next relationship and put zero effort in? Absolutely not. Check the baggage at the door.
He’s with you… But given up on love.
>I did all these nice things for my ex and look where it got me. So, I am not going to do anything for you and leave you with the scraps of my heart.
You’re married… Sharing kids together. If he doesn’t consider you his family, fuck that. He can be divorced, single, and miserable.
You’re not here to be a replacement or on the sidelines. You’re here to be the main family.
To say to your current wife:
>I chose her to have a real family with. So, you’re not the same to me.
That’s AH comment of the year.
I don’t know what you’re actually getting out of this relationship. A marriage where cards are always apology letters, that isn’t a marriage worth being in. Be with someone who treats you right, instead of one whose always making it up to you.
You can find hell of a lot better than this.
Well you need to start by believing what he told you. He views the kids as his kid and your kids. He views you very clearly as his second wife and not the first choice. I’m VERY sorry you are going through this, it sounds extremely painful. I wound be crushed. I’m also really sorry that you never had this talk before you got married but it won’t help to beat yourself up about that, it hurts no matter what.
Only you can decide what to do but I think it would be a mistake to think you can change him. So, the question is can you live with this. He told you how he feels. You have to decide if you (and you kids) can accept it
I have tears in my eyes you do so much and he does nothing for you why stay why keep hurting yourself over and over again this will never get better you deserve so much more so go and find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Stop doing so much for him for Father’s day/his birthday if he doesn’t do anything for you in return. If he’s using past issues from previous relationships then he needs therapy to overcome whatever is still affecting him. You should not be blamed for the past. It sounds like you are loving and attentive and he is heavily guarded. Marriage counseling might also be a good idea. It might be savable but he’s going to need to put the work in and get help.
Why did he marry you?
He’s told you who he is and where you stand in his life: 2nd choice AND clearly not his family. If my husband told me this, I’d call it done. This is not for marriage counseling. He did not see you in his heart as his wife. 🥺
He doesn’t view you as family. Believe him. He will not change. Divorce or become content being the second wife and place holder since he can’t have his “real” family. Sorry to be blunt.
I find it ineffably sad that you are willing to keep letting him treat you like this.
You’re not family. You’re a bang maid and nanny to his kid with a bit of emotional punching bag in the mix.
YOU cannot save anything. HE is the one who needs to do something to fix the situation. No amount of begging or negotiating is going to alter the fact that he has not and likely will not do any work to fix the relationship.
You’re not giving up on him or the marriage. You’re accepting reality as he’s created it.
He is not your family, and has no intention of ever being your family. Cut your losses and move on because he will always treat you like nothing. You do have a family -you and your 2 kids. Time to protect what you do have.
Not even a thank you for caring for his kid like your own?? You are a step mother to his child, you have chosen to love his child like he’s your own and he can’t rationalize how celebrating Mother’s Day would be important to you???
Start treating him like he’s not your family. You said treat others how you wanna be treated, treat him how he’s treating you. Pick up dinner for everyone but him. Do laundry for everyone but him. He’s not your family. He said it. Make it clear the feeling is mutual.
Saying you are doing it because you love him in order to try and change his behavior (seeing how gifting works) won’t have an affect on this guy. He has a litmus test for family and I believe until you have a baby for him, you’re not it (that’s how it sounds) you are just the married baby sitter and house maid.
However, I would refuse to have a child with this guy. He sounds very resentful of his past life, which is definitely affect his current life and will continue to get worse.
You are still very young, go find someone that is in love with you, not love what you do for them.
My heart breaks for you. Like I almost starting crying while reading this and all. You deserve so much better than this. I’m only a step mom and I’ve been spoiled all day today. He told you how he views you, believe him. He is NOT going to change and he does NOT view you as his family – nor does he respect you as a mother.
He has flat out told you that you aren’t his family. He doesn’t really care about you. You deserve better.
If my husband has said that to me, I’d honestly be devastated. Maybe couples therapy can help with his attitude. He’s clearly showing you that you aren’t his first choice, and is obviously still hurting from what wife #1 did/hurt him. He’s completely missing the point of your current marriage- *he did choose you* and you chose him. WhyTF did he marry you? If he’s going to sit there and say- you aren’t family because my first marriage failed, then he’s a man who should never get married again. He has a chance to create a family with you, but he seems to be holding you at arms length, just on the chance you also decide to leave him.
So therapy. Individual for him, couples for you both. He’s going to get his “wish” of you leaving otherwise.
I mean, he basically told you that he doesn’t see you as family. I would begin taking the steps to make that official.
He’s been making you feel bad for years. It’s very unkind of him, but he’s making it clear that he doesn’t see you as family and that you will always be second to his ex. I don’t think you should tolerate this any longer. You deserve to be loved and appreciated, not treated like some afterthought consolation prize.
Dealbreaker. It sounds like he doesn’t even like you OP? Is the low self esteem epidemic so bad that this is even a question?
Maybe he’ll have better luck with wife #3
I can see why he’s about to be in his second divorce.
Fuck. That’s bad. I’m sorry. Follow your gut and I think you already know your answer. Sorry
Fuck this horrible man. Go find a man who will actually treat you well. Go now, don’t waste another year on his excuses and apologies.
Move on.
He is who he is. People don’t change. Believe him. Move on and find your family and people. Be grateful you don’t have kids with him.
Pack it in babe it’s time for a divorce. Enjoy your 30’s with someone who loves you.
Your husband sounds like an arsewhole. My mom passed away last month, and my dad worshipped the ground she walked on. When she died, a part of him died with her. My dad made sure my mom always had a present from us on Mother’s Day and would always get her something when the opportunity arose.
So if he can’t be bothered to get off his high horse and do something for his wife when there are people who would give the world to have one more day with her and make her feel special… fuck him!
Happy Mothers Day because you, goddam, deserve it ❤️
UpdateMe!
Have you ever heard the phrase “Start as you mean to continue”? You are 4 years late having this conversation. You hitched your wagon to a horse that does not celebrate you. You saw that the horse doesn’t celebrate and you kept the wagon hitched just the same. It’s ok to change your mind and change horses. But understand that this horse is who he is.
I don’t know how you do it OP. My heart would be broken. And I would be gone the moment he said that.
Girl he put you down more ways than one… I wonder what he gets actual mother of his child behind your back since she’s the one he chose to have a family with… he’s still clearly has a thing for first wife.. sounds as if anyone could have been 2nd wife.. he’s awful..
I would be packing my bags so fast his head would spin… he doesn’t care about you or your feelings
If his ex wife was so great for him why isn’t he over there then? I wouldn’t put it past him he is trying to get back with the ex because he had the balls to say to you to your face.
Believe him. Don’t let him tell you twice. Don’t let him wiggle his way out of this with a card. And as a matter of fact, when you serve him the divorce papers, put them with a card.
Get rid of this one and start over. Hell, just get rid of him and see what better comes your way because this is such a waste of time. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love your kid, and he will never change. You deserve a real family and someone who treats you as such.
I would nope out of this marriage so quickly. He literally told you that he doesn’t love you because you didn’t carry his child. He doesn’t see your family you spent the last four years of building, as not worthy enough for his love. His heart isn’t in this. He probably married you so his child could have a mother, not because he loves you.
It’s time to say goodbye and find someone who will not only love you but your children as their own.
Your his second option because it didn’t work out with his first choice. He doesn’t love you.
This man has outright told you who you are to him. You are right, he doesn’t see you as family.
Only you can decide if you should stay. But you absolutely deserve better
When my parents divorced, my mom left a shoebox of all the cards my dad had gotten her over the years. All of them were apologies. How big are you going to let your shoebox be?