Hey everyone! 👋
So, I stumbled upon a pretty heated topic that seems to resonate with many of us: parental concerns versus adult independence. In a recent discussion, a mom shared her experience with her 19-year-old daughter, who’s living on her own and, according to the mom, “ruining her life.” But what does that even mean? 🎢
Here’s the scoop: The daughter has a job and pays her bills, but she’s also gotten into some serious trouble. From excessive drinking to petty legal issues, this mom is worried her daughter is sabotaging her own future. After confronting her about it while delivering a birthday cake, the daughter snapped back, insisting she’s an adult and can do as she pleases. Sounds like a classic generational clash!
Now, let’s break down some **pain points** here:
- Communication Gap: Parents want to protect their children, while young adults crave independence.
- Worry vs. Control: Is it concern or control when parents voice their worries about their kids’ choices?
- Societal Pressure: Young adults feel immense pressure to succeed, leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
We see these struggles ripple through many families. Parents deeply care and only want the best for their kids, while young adults are eager to explore, often making choices that leave their parents worried. What can help here? A few suggestions:
- Open Dialogue: Encourage honest conversations without judgment. Try asking, “What’s going on in your life right now?” instead of telling them what they’re doing wrong.
- Show Empathy: Understand their perspective. Acknowledge the pressures they face and ask about their feelings.
- Encourage Positive Activities: Suggest alternatives to drinking or partying—like joining clubs, classes, or volunteering. Finding a passion can be a great distraction from unhealthy habits! 💪
It’s a tough balance, but working together can bridge the gap. ✨
💬 What do you think? Have you faced a similar situation with your kids or parents? How did you handle it? Share your experiences or tips below!
Let’s get the conversation going! 👇
Also, here are some resources that might help: Mental Health Resources, Substance Abuse Help.
#Parenting #LifeChoices #Communication #Teenagers #FamilyDynamics
soft YTA. She’s likely an alcoholic or otherwise some type of addict. You’re not getting anywhere by lecturing her. Offer support, not empty speeches and platitudes. You’re not telling her anything a 19 year old doesn’t know.
NTA, but your delivery sucks.
You have a good message, but remember when you were 19 and adjust. Your relationship with your daughter is changing, she is an adult. Come from a place of concern, talk rather than chastise.
You’re not TA, but the way you handled the conversation with your daughter could have been more effective. Your intentions were good, and it’s admirable that you want your daughter to live her best life, but it’s important to remember that she’s an adult and ultimately makes her own decisions.While you did the right thing by expressing your concerns, it’s possible that the way you worded your concerns came across as judgmental or controlling, which could have triggered her defensiveness.Rather than telling her she’s “ruining her life,” try approaching the conversation from a place of love and support.
She is going to need to learn the hard way. And you’re going to have to watch it happen. Be there for her if (when) she shows up asking for help but be prepared with some requirements she must follow. I’m sorry. It’s so hard as a parent to watch your child make decisions you know are wrong.NTA
Tale as old as time…
Young people aren’t known for wanting to listen to older folks. You have legitimate concerns, but you’ll need to adjust your approach if you actually want her to hear you.
Gently, YTA. She is 19, she just got access to legal alcohol and the novelty will run out quickly. Either way she is not even in her 20s, claiming to be ruining her life right now is exaggeration. People saying she might be alcoholic is also premature to diagnose such thing – young people experiment to see where their limits are.
Your daughter is living on her own, working and supporting herself. She is right that you should not be ordering her around what to do with her life – the very least she is now at the age where she gets to figure that out on her own and not just follow her parents’ plans and aspirations. It comes out of place of worry, but you didn’t deliver it like that or in the appropriate time (delivering cake for her birthday should come with excitement, happiness and good wishes, not disappointment, nagging and orders).
NTA (Not The Asshole). As a parent, you’re within your rights to express concern about the choices your daughter is making, especially if they’re potentially harmful or illegal. You’re clearly coming from a place of love and concern for her well-being, even if it didn’t come across that way to her.Your daughter’s response, however, highlights a common dilemma in parent-child relationships. While you want the best for her, she’s an adult now, which means she’s free to make her own choices, even if they’re not ones you agree with.
NTA but she won’t listen. If you did your best raising her in a way you think you taught her values and to set priorities, then this is just what she chose and she’ll have to get through the consequences to understand
NTA. People don’t want to hear the truth. Any people posting YTA also don’t want to hear the truth because they only talk about the delivery of your message. Being direct is okay and if your daughter can’t take it, she’ll learn the hard way.
YTA for making another account posting the same thing when a majority of people said yta and they’re right. Yes, I understand she is your daughter and you’re concerned, but she is her own person now that she is an adult. Let her love freely as she’s still young.
Mhm… ESH probably
Your delivery is not great, and doing it when you’re supposedly celebrating her birthday sucks more.
But your point is not wrong and it does sound like she needs a reality check…
To me it sounds like she is on the road to alcoholism. It would also explain her aggressive reaction (blaming others like her upbringing, not wanting to hear that drink may be a problem because she doesn’t want to give it up, the way she’s leading the rest of her life…)
Daily drinking especially drinking alone at home regularly to the point of drunkenness is a huge red flag. If it is so, a ‘come to jesus’ talk isn’t going to help. Until she realises how alcohol is affecting her and until she decides she wants to stop, she won’t be able to make changes (and even that will need help). Sadly, it could be a long time until she gets to that point, and she might never get there. I don’t want to be doom and gloom but my mom died of alcoholism and so I know how it can go.
I would suggest you go to addiction counsel centers and learn about the disease, and/or to a support group for family and friends of alcoholics. The key point to here is that you can’t control somebody else’s drinking, and if she progresses to being worse, your urge to try to get her to change her life will only get stronger (and it won’t help. Trust me, millions of family members have tried).
Look, I might be jumping the gun based on my own experience. But her drinking habits are minimum problematic, and alcoholism when left alone never gets better only worse.
YTA.
You come from a place of love and concern, but:
> I confronted her about the way she lives her life a few days ago **while I was delivering cake I’d baked for her for her birthday.** I told her that she needs to get her life together, stop drinking excessively often, getting into pointless petty legal troubles, **try to get a hold of her life so she could actually make something of herself,** make a better life for herself than what my husband and I have. To stop **ruining the potential she has, stop sabotaging her own life before she ruins it and it’s too late.**
Who wants to hear all of this on their 19th *birthday?*
You have legitimate concerns but she will need to learn the lesson herself. You have now told her how you feel now a you can do is step back and let her live her life. It’s hard as a parent to watch them make huge mistakes but the more you say the more you’ll drive her away.
Your daughter is an alcoholic
NTA. I see a mother who’s trying her best to help and protect her daughter. Your approach isn’t even bad. As a teenager, we’re quite vulnerable and having a patient parent sometimes is all we need.
She got angry because she’s defensive because she knows you’re right. She’ll probably stay defensive and unwilling to listen for quite some time, but I’m telling you, what you said will stay on her mind and contribute to a gradual change as her brain matures. A lot of people behave way more stupidly in their late teens/early adulthood. She is at least holding down a job and paying her bills. I think she’ll be fine. NTA.
This is, word for word, the same post as one yesterday where you were told YTA. Are you hoping for a different outcome this time?
NTA but she is paying her own way and she is an adult. She gets to make her choices. That said, you love her and want what’s best and you are allowed to show concern. She’s also allowed to not do what you say. She’s going to learn the hard way that, while she can do as she pleases, her actions have consequences.
When you delivered the cake, was it the evening? Could she have been drinking?
It’s not a good idea to confront people about their drinking as they are under the influence. I think the criticism rarely goes through.
I think you need to talk about what she perceives to be normal drinking. It’s very likely that her friends aren’t any different from her. She might also not listen, but at least you can give her a seed of doubt on the normalcy of her actions. It might hit some day when she feels particularly bad or really fucks up due to her drinking.
Ask questions, don’t lecture. Use “I feel” based language.
– I’m curious to know if your friends also use alcohol when alone at home?
– I feel worried about how much you consume wine, because it feels like more than recommended.
– do you ever feel bad about how much you drank in the morning?
Etc.
NTA, but clumsy. As someone who was definitely going towards alcoholism early in life, I can say that if anybody had sat me down and told me I was ruining my life, I either would’ve yessed them to shut them up or I would’ve gotten combative. She has to want to quit/slow down on her own It’s also the combination of bringing her a cake for her birthday; talks about sensitive subjects ought to be kept separate from such moments unless they arise naturally (i.e. the problem presents itself during the event) since she wasn’t expecting it, and possibly felt ambushed.
NTA. You’re trying to guide her the best way you can. Most people her age are out partying
, but Considering she’s already gotten into legal issues, I would have done the same.
NTA. You are 💯 correct.
Your daughter is an alcoholic and she is descending into petty crime.
You would be remiss in your obligations as a parent if you did not say anything to her, but she is still a teenager, and therefore apt to ignore you and continue to make bad decisions.
If I were you, I would I would go to Al-Anon for help and advice.
Good luck! (((hugs)))
You may want to sit with your daughter and watch this. I’m not much for social media influencers but this person has a very relatable story when it comes to young adulthood and drinking. It sounds very much like your daughter is on the same path she was as a young adult.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmuJf0Q_1m0&ab_channel=Beth%26Coop%7CParenting%2BInclusionAdvocate](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmuJf0Q_1m0&ab_channel=Beth%26Coop%7CParenting%2BInclusionAdvocate)
ETA: NTA in general, your worried about your kid. Kinda the AH for doing it on her birthday
NTA. But she is an adult making her own poor choices. You have no control anymore. Let her fail.
NAH
I’m the son of alcoholics. Lots of alcoholics in the family. Your daughter is an alcoholic. It will get worse before it gets better. My friends who went through recovery it takes hitting rock bottom to want to turn things around.
It doesn’t matter how you phrase it. Addicts are very defensive. They cannot handle having the reality of the situation pointed out and they will always find someone else to blame. Accepting responsibility is an apart of the recovery process.
I can’t imagine watching your kid destroy themselves. You’re going to go through a lot of pain to try to help them. My advice is don’t help her in a way that sustains the disease. Don’t give her money. Again she needs to hit rock bottom. She has to want to sobriety more than alcohol.
This is a serious disease and it can’t get really bad. I’m always an advocate for telling people the truth. Normal people are very bad at hearing criticism, for addicts it’s an existential threat.
I’m proud that you saw the early signs of trouble and early enough spoke up.
Odds of her listening are low. Doesn’t change the message you need to send. Try not to get angry or judgmental with them. It’s a horrible disease. Speak what you need to say so you can sleep at night. Tell them when they’re ready to get sober you’ll be there for them. But to protect your own emotional health you may need to distance yourself.
NTA. You’re right of course but she is an adult and is going to have to make her own mistakes and learn from them. If she gets put in jail for the night or something I would not bail her out.
Is this a repost?
YTA. She’s 19, so barely an adult, so I’d go so far as to say whatever issues she is having, come from her childhood, which you and your husband (if her father?) were responsible for. Try approaching her and at least pretending you care, rather than telling her off ON HER BIRTHDAY. You’re going to lose her if you’re not careful. Even this post comes across as it’s about how you feel about what she’s doing, rather than how it might be affecting her and what you can do to support her.
Just a note on “living up to her potential.”
When you say this, you are comparing your daughter to a person you invented who only exists in your head. The person you invented is not your daughter, and your daughter *cannot* be that person.
You need to see your daughter for who she is and work with that person. Continually telling her you wish she was a different person isn’t going to help her and will affect her self esteem and your relationship with her negatively.
ESH.
Her for really obvious reasons that you very clearly know. While going out and getting drunk with friends is a normal 19 year old experience…getting wine drunk alone every night, being detained by the police and petty theft can not and should not be explained away by “oh she’s young”.
But…you confronted her with all this while delivering her birthday cake?? This was going to be a confrontational conversation regardless but you seemed to go out of your way to make it more than it needed to be. I can’t help but think she’s feeling more than a little lost after not getting into the school of her choice and this is how she’s dealing with it. Not that it makes any of the behaviour okay or excusable but it does mean it could take a different approach. You telling her she’s fucking up her life and to get it together and do better than you and her dad could be putting on the exact pressure she’s already feeling about her own life. I honestly think reaching out to an organization like AL-ANON or a therapist for yourself might be a good idea to get a better idea on how to deal with this kind of thing.
You need to let your daughter figure it out on her own. I remember 19 and having all my family members on my back regarding how I should live my life. Realistically she just needs a year of partying and she’ll get it out her system. It’ll get old real quick, friends will move on and leave her behind, and eventually she’ll get curious about other ways of living. NTA
So you confronted her about her problems while delivering a birthday cake and was surprised that she got upset. Yeah yta for that. Your nta for worrying about your child but you definitely could have handled that better.
You handled it like YTA
I get that you’re coming from a place of worry, but have you taken two moments two consider how you approached her? Ok her birthday, no less.
She is right. She’s paying for her own place and has a job and isn’t relying on you monetarily, so she is doing something right.
Both of you need therapy.
I can’t believe you honestly thought that the way you approached her would soften her to accept your message and wouldn’t put her on the defensive.
NTA, but be honest, did you really not expect this response? It is extremely unsurprising that she would be defensive, especially when there is no denying that her lifestyle is not positive or healthy.
“I’m really worried about you. Your excessive drinking and run-ins with the law are not signs of being happy. What is going on? Are you ok? How can we support you to get into a healthier place?” may be a better approach to take, especially if she is living with no family support at (just) 19. In the end, she’s right that you have no right to tell her, an independent adult, how to live her life; you should be coming from a place of concern and support rather than “direction”
YTA- instead of taking to her and trying to find out what is going on while expressing concern you just berated her and told her all her choices are bad and she’s ruining her life. Obviously something is going on with her if she is drinking that much, maybe get curious about that and figure out how you can actually help her. No one ever turned their life around because of a judgmental lecture from their mom at 19. If you approach her like she is a failure of course she is going to get defensive
YTA.
Doesn’t sound to me like she’s doing anything bad. Besides the couple of police incidents, which are super minor dumb teenagers doing dumb stuff.
Her studies are not up to you anymore and she is aware of her lack of effort and dorsn’t have a problem with it because her objectives are shifting. If not she’ll face the consequences later on and complain about it.
YTA she is paying her own bills and living her own life. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to support it. You should support her no matter what, she’s your daughter. She needs to learn to live her life as she pleases, she isn’t asking you for anything. Your opinion is exactly that, YOURS. If she doesn’t ask for your opinion, you should keep it to yourself. You are going to ruin any relationship you may have had with her. She is an adult and supporting herself, you should be happy for her.
Hmmm I was this 19yo and I wouldn’t have listened either.
If you insult her, she’ll get defensive. Try inspiring her to change…
Have you thought about doing x? I think you’d be really good at it because xyz. I’d love to help make your dreams happen, let me know how I can support you.