#Marriage
#HouseholdChores
#GenderEquality
Understanding Household Chore Dynamics in Marriage
Marriage is a partnership that involves sharing responsibilities, including household chores. It is essential to have open communication and mutual respect when navigating these tasks to ensure a harmonious relationship. In the case of the couple, a 37-year-old female and a 37-year-old male, there seems to be a discrepancy in the division of household chores, leading to potential conflicts. Let’s delve deeper into this issue and explore constructive ways to address it.
Equal Contribution: Financial and Household Responsibilities
In a modern marriage, it is common for partners to have separate finances and split bills evenly. However, when one partner earns significantly more than the other, it may lead to discrepancies in contributions to shared expenses. In this case, the female partner earns more and covers groceries to balance the financial equation. It is crucial to acknowledge and appreciate each other’s financial contributions while also valuing non-monetary contributions, such as household chores.
Chore Distribution: Balancing Workload and Responsibilities
Balancing work and household responsibilities can be challenging, especially when one partner has a longer commute and spends more time away from home. In this scenario, the female partner spends long hours commuting, leaving little time for household chores. It is understandable that she expects her partner to step in and share the workload, considering he has more time at home.
However, communication plays a vital role in establishing a fair division of chores. Both partners should discuss and agree on how to distribute household tasks equitably based on their schedules, preferences, and capabilities. It is essential to reassess and adjust the chore distribution periodically to address any imbalances or conflicts that may arise.
Gender Roles and Expectations
In the context of gender equality, it is essential to challenge traditional gender roles and expectations within a marriage. Cooking and cleaning are not inherently tied to one’s gender but are shared responsibilities that both partners should contribute to. Each partner’s strengths, preferences, and schedules should be taken into account when dividing household chores to ensure a fair distribution of tasks.
It is crucial to address any underlying beliefs or assumptions about gender roles that may be influencing the division of household chores. Partners should strive to create a partnership based on equality, respect, and mutual support, where both partners feel valued and appreciated for their contributions to the relationship.
In conclusion, navigating household chores in a marriage requires open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to work together as equal partners. By discussing and addressing any imbalances in chore distribution, challenging traditional gender roles, and fostering a culture of shared responsibility, couples can create a supportive and harmonious home environment.
The person paying less bills should be putting in my effort around the house. Unless they are working a much more taxing job and/or crazier hours
> He said I should feel lucky because most men don’t cook,
This is such a rubbish argument. Yes, it’s sad that there are still plenty of men out there who don’t carry their own load, men who consider doing chores or parenting as “helping out”.
> I have been speaking up about splitting up the chores equally, but I kind of get brushed off or feel like I’m always bringing it up which can be annoying.
Read “She divorced me because I left the dishes by the sink” and “You should have asked”, then have a serious talk about the mental load and running the household.
If he’s not willing to step up, will he pay for a cleaner?
> The same thing can be said about the household chores, which 80% of the cleaning is done by me!
What surprises me: why did you date/marry someone who behaves this way? Why not set better boundaries earlier on?
Your husband is seeking simple appreciation for his efforts. A simple “thank you” goes a long way.
It’s not about who does what and how chores are divided. It’s simply about recognition for wanting to step up to help. He could be a lazy ass and not make the ready-made meals or help you around the house, but he does.
His love language is words of affection and appreciation. He’s telling you this loud and clear.
I think both spouses should show appreciation for the other’s contributions. That’s how my parents do things and they’ve been happily married for almost 40 years. My dad is the breadwinner and my mom runs the household. He thanks her when she cooks dinner and does his laundry and she thanks him when he tells her the bills have been paid.
They don’t make a fuss over each other. It’s just a simple: “thanks babe” and it makes them both feel seen and valued. This was the perfect opportunity to get your husband to see your point of view when it comes to the other household chores. You could have told him that the way he feels undervalued when you don’t thank him for dinner is the same way you feel when he doesn’t do his share of the chores. Remember: it’s not you vs. him. It’s you and him vs. the problem.
My thoughts are that if someone doesn’t do half the chores, I dump him. I deserve a partner, and a partner does his full share.
I also think you get the behavior you tolerate. But only if you’re with an asshole, because a good man will do his share no matter what you tolerate.
I think he is looking for some praise. I have a feeling you don’t give him as much as you think you do.
The fact you talk down about what he is cooking says it all.
In my last relationship, my partner was a bit like this. Didn’t do many chores. I let it slide. After we had kids it became a bigger deal. He once left a cup of water in the bathroom. It was such a minor thing, but irked me. I just refused to put it away for him. Sounds dumb. By the time I moved out, the cup had a skin of mold over the water, furry and thick.
I think because you don’t split finances and you get 50k more,, which is alot. Well he gets 2hrs a day more and you should not expect him to freely give that time up when, you don’t give your money up. I obviously don’t agree with the women and cooking but I wonder about the context, because he is putting food on the table and you don’t seem to appreciate it
I thank my partner for everything he does, and he thanks me as well. I say thanks for making coffee, he says thanks for unloading the dishes, etc. It costs literally nothing to say thank you, it takes two seconds and it strengthens emotional bonds. Is that just not worth it to you?
If someone is out of the house for less time for work then it’s entirely reasonable for them to do more around the house. I guess it could also depend on the work – eg being out for 8 hours of hard manual labour may be way more tiring then being out for 10 hours in a nice office job with a comfy chair.
I think people need to stop looking at everything as a transaction. I do this, so you have to do that. I did this, so you should be grateful. Tit for tat will lead to resentment.
I’ve been there, and it did not end well. Hindsight right? If I could go back and do it all over again, things I would do differently…
I wouldn’t expect him to do more or less based off of what I did- whether it be make more money, do more chores, has more or less time.
I would have more appreciation. Look at what he did and appreciate that he did it regardless of any other circumstances. It’s changing perspective. I’m glad to have the extra time to do this so I will. I’m glad that I have a job I love so I can pay for this. As opposed to I’m going to do this or that so my partner will be happy.
Brenee Brown mentioned this thing that I think is brilliant. It’s not 50/50. That’s unrealistic. Every day you come home, he tells you he has 40, and you say okay, I got you, I can cover the 60. You come home and say you have 30 and he says he can cover 70. You come home and say you have 20 and he says he has 40. At that point, you come together and figure how to tackle the remaining 40.
Continuing like this is going to build resentment on both sides. If you can’t work it out, then it’s going to lead to contempt. From there… you’ll both end up single. You’re never going to see eye to eye on everything. How you choose to find a solution or compromise means all the world.
My dad was the breadwinner, and he cooked 99% of the time. Thank God for that. My stepmother didn’t know how to cook.
You should be thanking him when he does nice things for you. Not because he’s doing your job, but because he’s doing a shared job.
But if you’re splitting bills 50/50, you should be splitting chores 50/50. It sounds like you’re feeling a bit of resentment at his 80/20 split that’s causing you to feel salty about what should be a normal thing, thanking your partner when they do something nice. And you’re right to feel resentful about that. Figure out a split that works better for you.
The easy answer is 50/50, but I’m not sure it actually ends up working out like that, though starting out with that mindset is crucial. The reason I say it doesn’t end up like that is because life happens! And checking in with the spouse regularly is crucial. It’s different for every relationship, but for my situation, we have our own chores, but will regularly check in with each other to see if the other needs a break or whatever for that day/week. Communication is huge. Although there are just lazy spouses in abundance, I do feel a lot of breakdown with stuff like this comes from lack of communication. Spouse might just be plain ignorant to your needs in that area.
Saying “thank you” gets old?
Hunnie, you’re not gonna stay married with this mindset.
I mean, you’ve got to define “praise him” here. If he’s just asking for a “thank you”, I’m generally of the opinion that it’s not worth fighting over? Like, to me this isn’t so much about a battle of the sexes as it is about how different people interact with the world. When I lived with my parents, I was happy to do pretty much any chore that they asked, but my one caveat was that I wanted them to say “please”. It made a *huge* difference to me, because it was a sign that they respected me as a human and not an extension of them or a robot they were making a task. I know that sounds silly, but I really don’t think one word is such a nightmare to say.
If he wants you to act like he’s god’s gift to women, yeah, absolutely lay the fuck into him, that’s laughable. But if all he wants is a “thank you”, it seems really petty to deny him that.
I do *also* want to note that I have seen people on this sub claim that a long commute “counts as relaxation” because it’s time when a partner is not at work or doing chores and can listen to music or podcasts. As someone who knows how stressful driving can be, I’m aware that’s bunk, but if your husband posted here complaining about that he could well get sympathy.
It’s amazing how many relationships could be saved by simply hiring a housekeeper.
Lot of red flags here and doesn’t sound like a good relationship.
48F married to 49M, he makes 30K more than me/year. We’ve divided living expenses so each pays around 50%. Household tasks are roughly equal, but I pay an additional $300/month to have a cleaning person come in 2x/month to clean for 4 hrs each visit. I do the cooking, laundry, home business taxes, planning/funding of vacations, gardening, and investments. My husband does the lawns, most dishes, forestry (we live on/in acres of trees), trash, basic home fixes, and cleans the cat boxes for 4 cats. We do not have kids (praise be!) Works out very well.
We’ve been together 22+ years. But in the early years: he’d announce every little thing he did around the house (I did 90% of all house tasks at the time, despite FT work, college, etc) as if I’d just been given a priceless gift (i.e., a thank you was NOT enough). I used to drive me nuts! I tried to explain that he should just do things that needed to be done and not expect me to drop everything to walk over and exclaim in awe each time. He acted like I was being a total B. So I just started announcing every little thing I did around the house: Look! Lookee look! I put dishes in the washer. I put a load of laundry in, and another load, and a load of work clothes, and I folded stuff, put things away, and did some meal prep. He quickly caught on. Now we both just do what needs doing. But I NEVER find fault with anything he does, and I will thank him for a particularly well-done job. He does the same. Try to thank each other for making a day easier and just show appreciation for having them there.
Everyone is going to be different. Figure out what feels good and fair to YOU and then practice validating your own wants, needs, and emotions.
A bunch of people here are missing the point. I suggest you ignore them.
You can’t force someone to care. Communication doesn’t work if he doesn’t care. And there are hundreds of thousands of marriages that end because the man in the relationship is just like your husband and the wife realizes she’d rather be single – it’s called [walkaway wife syndrome](https://www.google.com/search?q=walkaway+wife+syndrome&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us).
I left a man like this, best decision I ever made! I couldn’t convince him to care or be better. He also compared himself to the worst partner he could be (most men wouldn’t do the little work I do! At least I don’t hit you) and expected me to be grateful. I realized you can’t expect anything good from someone who’s measuring themselves against the worst they could be. Their bar for decency is in hell, and anything above that they think should be praised.
I don’t think you can convince people like this to be better. You could buy some gold star stickers and give him one whenever he does this, maybe being mocked will help. But telling him how it’s unfair, how he should be a better partner, how he adds extra work to your life by being a shitty partner won’t work because he thinks your job is to cater to him and that his time and happiness is more important.
This helped open my eyes to all the ways my marriage was unhealthy – and it wasn’t just unequal division of domestic labor: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
Both of you should have equal downtime. If you’re commuting, that’s not downtime. Split things so that the time to relax is equal. He is definitely not pulling his weight.
Asking for praise for every little thing is concerning. There should be gratitude in relationships, but it doesn’t need to show up every second of the day or in the same way every time. Sometimes I thank my wife verbally, sometimes with an action like an impromptu massage, and sometimes in different ways. She’s the same for me.
That being said, if you both work full time you should be splitting the housework as close to evenly as possible. Neither of you should be sitting down to relax until you’re both done with whatever needs to be done. So, yes, if your husband beats you home, it’s on him to start the evening tasks. When you get home you should be getting to work doing what ever else needs to be done. Then you can eat together, tagteam the clean up (my wife and I have the cook do any last minute straightening out and litter boxes while the one who was served a hot meal do the dishes and ear table), and settle down for the night at the same time.
I think that if you’re committed to a 50-50 partnership, that should extend to everything, including chores. But I also think that sometimes it makes sense for things to be “uneven” in a partnership. Things are already uneven: you bring in different amounts of money from your respective jobs, you both have different amounts of free time, etc.
I think it’s important to find a balance that takes these things into account to achieve something that’s truly fair. You make more money, so maybe it’s fair for you to pay more than 50%. But he has more time, so maybe it’s fair for him to do more than 50% of the labor at home.
Y’all need to talk and find something that works for both of you and makes you both feel valued and heard.