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First of all, I want to commend you on your strength and courage in taking the necessary steps to prioritize your own well-being and safety. It is never easy to confront such a traumatic experience, especially when it involves someone you care about deeply. Your decision to break up with your boyfriend was absolutely the right one, and you should not doubt yourself for a second.
It is disheartening to hear that your ex-boyfriend reacted in such a dismissive and defensive manner. It seems like he is either unwilling or unable to acknowledge the gravity of his actions and the impact they had on you. It is important to remember that the way he responds is a reflection of his character, not yours. You are not responsible for how he chooses to handle the consequences of his own behavior.
His comments about not understanding why you would keep going back to him if you were so hurt are manipulative and invalidating. Abuse often creates a cycle where the victim feels trapped and keeps returning to the abuser due to hope, fear, or a multitude of complex emotions. It is important to remind yourself that your feelings are valid and that you have taken a courageous step in removing yourself from a harmful situation.
While it may be tempting to engage in further discussions with your ex-boyfriend in an attempt to make him understand, I would advise against it. It is unlikely that you will be able to change his perspective or make him truly understand the impact of his actions. It is crucial to focus on your own healing and well-being rather than seeking validation or closure from someone who may not be capable of providing it.
In terms of healing and processing this traumatic experience, it is wonderful to hear that you have a supportive network of friends and co-workers who are there for you. Surrounding yourself with people who believe and support you will be instrumental in your healing journey. Counseling is a fantastic step to take, as it provides a safe and confidential space where you can explore your feelings, trauma, and work towards healing and recovery.
In addition to counseling, I would recommend considering support groups or online communities specifically focused on survivors of sexual assault or abusive relationships. Connecting with others who have similar experiences can be incredibly validating and healing. Hearing stories of resilience and finding a sense of community can be immensely powerful.
Furthermore, the book recommendations you received can also be helpful tools in understanding and navigating the aftermath of trauma. Reading about others’ experiences and learning coping strategies can provide valuable insights and perspectives. Some books that are often recommended for survivors of sexual assault or abuse include “The Courage to Heal” by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk, and “Beyond Surviving” by Rachel Grant.
Lastly, please remember to be patient and kind to yourself throughout this healing process. Recovery takes time, and everyone’s journey is unique. There may be moments of anger, sadness, and confusion, but there will also be moments of growth, healing, and self-discovery. Surround yourself with positive influences, practice self-care, and allow yourself to grieve and heal at your own pace.
You have already taken the first steps towards reclaiming your power and rebuilding your life. Stay strong, believe in yourself, and know that you are not alone. There is a vast network of survivors, advocates, and professionals who are here to support you every step of the way.
You’re doing the right thing. Stay strong and stay away from him. He’s a rapist. You do not deserve that.
You are doing the right thing.
The reason the texts are like this right now is because he knows you’ll doubt yourself, he got away with that stuff before so he expects it again and wants to gaslight you into coming back.
Unfortunately my ex used to do this almost word for word. You have to stay away OP, this is a tactic they use to get you to come back. Once you feel better please collect all the evidence you can from the ex’s, texts, pics, ANYTHING. Keep the everything can be evidence mindset and save it all. When you are done report it to the police so he can’t do this to anyone else or you again.
Under no circumstances meet him or tell him your location, make sure everyone is clear that he is not to have your location or updates.
I’m glad you’re safe OP, I hope you’re doing okay and support groups are always accepting. Take your time.
His response confirms what we all knew. He’s a serial offender and genuinely thinks it’s normal, or is a sociopath.
Stay strong OP and forget this guy exists
He’s a rapist, run far and fast. You deserve better..
If you choose to respond, respond only with this text
“I said no repeatedly & you didn’t stop”
If he persists, text him
YOU RAPED ME. STOP CONTACTING ME.
And block him.
He has done this before and gotten away with it. Be very careful. If he ever had a key to your place, rekey or change your locks. If you can afford it, get a couple of cameras for your entrances. Change your passwords on your social media and block him. Do not take calls or messages from his friends, they will lie for him.
Get the help that you need so you can feel safe. Your feelings are valid.
Congrats. You will never regret this
Block the rapist
I would send him a final message:
I hope you learn that: No means No, otherwise it is non-consentual and is sexual assault. A woman shouldn’t have to scream for help or start yelling safe words when they clearly told a partner:No. The next woman you do this to might go to the police and have you arrested for rape. Grow up. I didn’t need to face the man I trusted with my safety who actually assaulted me to explain that I don’t want to see him.
Rapists don’t get a second chance. Quit talking to him. Block him.
This is just him not admitting to what he did to prevent it being used in bringing charges against him.
Please see a therapist. You need someone to help you process these emotions and the trauma, and yes, it’s trauma. You were SAed and he’s trying to gaslight you now, for his own benefit.
Believe in yourself, and your right to control who gets to do what with you and your body. And “no” is a complete sentence.
Sending you healing thoughts.
All of the things he is saying are what people used to manipulate you into either staying silent or coming back to them. It’s the whole “if I was so bad you would have left” even though you are exactly doing that. “If I violated you you would have called the cops” they think that feeding you this information will make you believe it to be true. But we know that life is way more nuanced than that. I would honestly stop speaking to him completely.
As to recommendations I read out of the fog by Dana Morningstar when I was leaving my ex. Before that I was reading “how to have that difficult conversation” and “boundaries in marriage”. They really helped me realize where some problems were and helped me think about what I truly expected for my next relationship. These may or may not be helpful to you.
I’m so proud of you.
You’re protecting yourself from a situation that could’ve gotten a whole lot worse. That kind of person doesn’t show their true colours straight away, as they lure you in further they show themselves bit by bit, then it becomes more frequent. By that point you’re so deep in that it becomes harder to escape. What he did was rape and by removing yourself you never have to find out how much worse it could’ve gotten.
“I’ve done this before and it was never an issue.” WOW. it’s sick that he doesn’t see anything wrong with rape simply because he’s gotten away with it before! ? People with this mentality are dangerous. he’s trying to trivialize what he did which shows that he does not respect you. He’s lucky he even got an explanation from you
I know you said you don’t live together (thank goodness) but if you EVER gave him a key to your place, CHANGE THE LOCKS. change them asap. You have no idea if he ever made a copy of the key (even if he had only had it for a weekend one time). Take the opportunity to change the locks now. Document everything, you did the right thing in texting him and not calling. Keep things in written form so you have screenshots of everything that happens.
Good luck, you’re doing the right thing, and I’m so glad you have a support network around you <3
You really did the right thing. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you for your courage for reaching out and standing up for yourself. I’m sorry you went through this. Counseling is a good idea too. I wish you the best of everything for your future. Healing begins now. There is growth through healing. Big hugs for you.
I had an ex who conditioned me to think this was completely normal, I stopped saying no because I didn’t have a choice anyway. It was only afterwards when I realised this was rape, it’s taken years to get over and it still affects my relationships to this day.
I’m so sorry this happened and good for you for getting out now. Make sure he knows that what he did was rape and to leave you alone. He WILL deny it, he WILL try and gaslight you. It’s because he’s ashamed of his actions and it’s easier to get you to admit he’s done nothing that actually accept responsibility and he certainly won’t see himself as a rapist but a boyfriend entitled to sex from his girlfriend. He probably thinks it’s not rape unless you’re dragged behind a bush by a stranger. He needs to do better and I’m sorry you are in a position to teach him that lesson 🙁
Good luck and good riddance! X
I am so glad youre out of this, I felt physically unwell reading your original post. The bit that got me tho? “Have some decency, don’t text message break up” YO TF how about some decency yourself mate by like not completely robbing a person of who they are, and subjecting them to this.
That POS is 100% in delulu land and he’s never getting out of it. If he’s got to 25 with that, he ain’t learning, trust me.
Block and delete on every fathomable platform, if you see him in public no you didn’t, act as if he doesn’t exist because he doesn’t now.
Theeeeres a tiny part of me that wants to mention the police… police are hard, been through it a few times myself, it sucks. Yeah, it often doesn’t get dealt with. Buuuuut if you have the energy – doesn’t have to be now either – and only if you’re safe to do so – a police report might very well help his next victim.
If you can’t, though, I totally get it. The most important part of ANY of this is your safety and wellbeing.
Rape is more messed up than breaking up by text.
My girl.
I am glad you got out.
But seriously – THAT response made you doubt yourself? Because all I hear is:
“I’ve raped people before. Also: your feelings are bullshit”
If anything, that response should strengthen your resolve.
Good luck, friend. Stay safe.
He’s acting oblivious because admitting it would make it easier for you to report him. First he called you a liar and said that you have no decency with yourself because you broke up over text, thinking that this would’ve convinced you to meet him. Which would’ve been very dangerous. Since he achieved nothing by calling you a liar and with no decency, he acted differently, telling you that he loves you etc. He’s trying to manipulate you
>When I first got his response, I wondered if I was making the right choice.
That’s exactly why he’s putting you down by calling you a liar and making “woe is me” type statements. Don’t fall for the manipulation