Struggling with trust after a miscarriage – How do I rebuild it with my husband? #miscarriage #trustissues #rebuildingtrust #communication
Feeling let down by your partner after a miscarriage is a common experience that can challenge the foundation of trust in a relationship. If you’re wondering how to rebuild trust with your husband after such a difficult time, here are some steps you can take:
1. Communicate openly and honestly:
Discuss your feelings and concerns with your husband in a calm and respectful manner. Be honest about how his actions made you feel and listen to his perspective as well.
2. Seek counseling or therapy:
Consider seeking professional help to navigate through the emotional aftermath of a miscarriage and work on rebuilding trust in your relationship. A therapist can provide guidance and support to both of you.
3. Take time to heal:
Give yourselves time to grieve and heal from the loss of the pregnancy before focusing on rebuilding trust. It’s essential to prioritize your emotional well-being before addressing trust issues.
4. Set boundaries and expectations:
Clearly define your expectations for rebuilding trust with your husband and establish boundaries that both of you feel comfortable with. Setting clear boundaries can help rebuild trust in a relationship.
5. Practice forgiveness:
Forgiveness is a crucial step in rebuilding trust. Let go of resentment and anger towards your husband and work towards rebuilding a positive connection based on understanding and empathy.
Remember that rebuilding trust takes time and effort from both partners. By approaching the situation with open communication, empathy, and a willingness to work together, you can strengthen your relationship after experiencing a miscarriage.
Your husband fucking sucks. What an utter failure of a husband, father and general human being. He utterly and completely lacks empathy.
Clearly there is no marriage here. He is incapable of being a partner to you and supporting you in even basic ways.
I would leave somebody like this. There’s no fixing people who are missing empathy circuitry in their brain.
Your counselor also sucks, by the way.
Plan your escape and leave the “You should’ve asked” comic printed out on the counter.
Honestly it’s up to you if you want to put in more effort. Cause let’s be real even if he does change you’re gonna have to put in effort to change him. He seriously doesn’t know empathy? At his grown age? I get why you’re exhausted lol. I understand what the therapist is saying but it’s not like this was some common cold he ignored you had. This was a whole ass miscarriage of a baby he helped create and he couldn’t be bothered to even check on you? Ya that would be my final straw too. I don’t think you’re in the wrong for no longer wanting to take care of 2 extra adults who barely acknowledge you. Take care of yourself and your baby boy!!
You do not need to forgive him! That’s b.s. advice.
Wouldn’t be worth it to me. I’d move on and not raise my child around a shitty human.
Let me say marriage is not 50 50
It is sometimes 8020 etc but it sounds like you have been giving 100 all the time and you have no more to give!
My ex husband told me this when we divorce and I said I was done!
You’re the bang maid for him and his mom.
My take is that he sees you as the caretaker. You take care of him, your son and his mother. When you failed to do that because you had miscarried and were in pain, you failed to do your job. That’s all you are to him. You know you are much more than that but you can’t be more than that in your current situation.
Some folks are not good at being in relationships. I mean that in the way that some people are not good at seeing others needs and only focus on their own. This doesn’t sound like a good way to live and his actions and the fact that he’s so inattentive come across as if he does not care about you. An amicable separation might be best.
You really should have got out of this hellhole of a marriage sooner. Do you have the word ‘doormat’ tattooed on your forehead?
So you were having a miscarriage and your toxic husband did bugger all to help, and MIL just sat there and let you wait on her? Wow, the turd really didn’t fall far from the arsehole there, did it?
OP, you are worth more than this. You deserve better. Stop enabling their toxic laziness and selfish arseholery and start planning how you and your kid can get out.
Sorry but there’s really only one rational choice. If you stay, it will affect your child. ( Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for). Plus you don’t even want to talk to him and he has zero to step up after you expressed your feelings. Go find a happier life. Start with a good divorce lawyer
There’s a common misconception that you have to make your marriage work once you’re in it and the onus is usually on the wife to do better and forgive her shithead husband or whatever else. You don’t have to lol. Your husband and therapist are assholes. Your husband will never change. You don’t have to forgive anyone for anything ever. Make an escape plan from him and his mother (another woman expecting you to cater to her and her adult son after your miscarriage is so gross btw), gather your baby’s things and hit the bricks. Run far and fast. Motherhood becomes so much easier when the useless adults around you are out of the picture.
Your counselor sure is generating a repeat customer with that advice, huh?
> Is it even possible to bring back trust if there’s no indication of change?
No. If there is no change, why would you trust him? What work was done to build? The only thing you can trust at that point is for everything to continue on as it is because that is what lack of change gets you: more of the same.
I’ve had some rough and rocky times with my husband, but at the end of the day, he is actually trying and so am I. He takes steps to change the behaviors that have been hurting me and I’ve taken steps to change the behaviors that have been hurting him. You can’t do the work for them and you can’t convince them to do the work in the first place if they simply do not want to.
I’m also shocked at the counselor stating you need to forgive him when he’s done nothing to earn it. That’s not good advice. At all. You can’t move on from something that has had no resolve.
This is not a man who is going to honor the whole “in sickness” part. He’s proven that. Listen to what people DO, not what they SAY.
He failed at basic human decency. It’s not your job to fix him. If he cared, he would make the changes needed. You deserve someone who was love and compassion for you, he doesn’t. I cannot phantom my friends, family, my husband, to treat me like that.
Why should you put any more effort into this marriage? He doesn’t have any empathy. Do you expect him to learn it at his age?
Honestly, take your child and leave. You owe it to yourself and to your child.
Can’t teach a 40 year old man empathy.
He is who he is.
If he’s making you miserable in this marriage isn’t working for you get out now because you’re wasting your time.
You can’t rebuild trust when your husband has done similar things repeatedly, isn’t taking accountability for his failure, and hasn’t shown any indication of change.
When you realize you are done, that will not go away. Don’t waste more time on this as you will only regret it later.
You have expressed you need him to change, he has chosen not to change. Believe him that he doesn’t want to change and has not expectation to change. Even if he did try to change, he will just revert back to himself as he truly doesn’t seem to want to change.
Save your time, which is the most valuable asset you will ever have. Move on and let him and his mother enjoy the rest of their lives together.
Your husband clearly doesn’t care. Most people would check on someone they love if they had something as small as a cold nevermind something as huge as a miscarriage. He didn’t even bother or care. He shouldn’t need to be told. It’s called empathy. You also shouldn’t be pressured to forgive.
If he’s not changing I would separate and tell him you won’t be back til you see a change
Divorce him
Sweetie stick a fork in it…..it’s done.
There’s no love in this marriage, I would divorce him because he’s essentially taken and barely given back. You deserve to be happy and that will probably happen when this guy isn’t the center of your world.
You already cook, clean, and care for yourself physically and emotionally. You are essentially the sole care giver to your child. And you maintain financial independence.
I hate to break it to you, but you’re already single. Just in the most ridiculous and frustrating way possible by choosing to be single with an anchor tied around you in the shape of a grown ass man and his mommy who steal your time and emotional reserves by expecting you to care for them with nothing in return.
Do yourself a favor and just be actually single. It’s honestly a hell of a lot easier and more emotionally freeing and satisfying than your current version of being single.
Sometimes it takes a while to see exactly who a person truly is. Just because someone lacks empathy or is selfish doesn’t make them inherently terrible – but it does make them a poor fit/partner to most people who are not prepared to remind another whole ass adult to step outside themselves. It puts a ton of extra mental load on a person and it’s exhausting, and often un/underappreciated.
You have some options:
– devise a way with him for him to see exactly all the little things you do. Maybe it’s chore charts, or planning who handles dinner each night. Maybe it’s giving him a list of “in case of wife sickness, do XYZ”
If he’s genuinely interested in learning the big list of things in his blind spot, this is something you can work on together.
– you can acknowledge this is exactly who he is, and decide if that’s the person you want to be with. Your life experiences have become more serious and you’re suddenly finding yourself navigating situations alone that you never should be. Some people understand that and accept it. Others decide they need more from a partner without having to teach them and decide to leave
Ultimately, this is a huge blind spot for him. His personality just does not remember to consider others or to see the things that are done for him. If he wants to fix that, genuinely, then decide if you’re up for it. If he’s not interested in fixing it, then decide if that behavior is what you really want forever then act accordingly.
And honestly, if you just plain do not love this man anymore after being left alone after a traumatic event – then take a page from his book, prioritize yourself over him, and push for the divorce.
Your husband sucks. Im so sorry for you loss. If you were my friend or neighbor i would have brought you chicken soup.
I’m sorry OP but you can’t teach an adult to have empathy – they either have it or they don’t. A child can be taught it, but not an adult – especially when they have no interest in learning.
IMO, you need a different counselor because THEY should be the person stepping up to try and ‘teach’ your husband empathy, not you. Also, their ‘need to forgive him’ is just rug sweeping at the highest level!! How on earth are you suppose to forgive someone who keeps repeating the same thing over and over?? Your counselor failed you big time.
This showed you how uneven this relationship is. Now you have to decide if this is the person you want to spend the next 50+ years with or not.
No offense to your counselor, but I strongly disagree.. You’ve given your husband 6 years of forgiveness for him constantly neglecting you in your relationship. You don’t NEED to forgive him, he needs to actually EARN forgiveness. And even then, you don’t need to forgive him. You can still decide that you’re done.
I think you need to stop accepting the low bar effort. And if he doesn’t change and treat you the way you deserve, leave.
I can’t see any upside to staying with him. And definitely don’t have more children with him.
Updateme
There’s no coming back from that. He’s showed you that he doesn’t care about you. Believe him. Leave.
Oh yikes. What does his mom say? Does she help you at all or tell him to get off his butt and help? Is he from a non-western culture where it’s expected the wife will move in with the husband’s family and do everything?
In any case, he’s awful. Go to counseling on your own, if you need to, and leave this man. You don’t want your child to grow up thinking this is the way a man treats his wife. I’m sorry.
Why would you have to ask him to be a decent husband who loves his wife and when he see her in pain he helps her anyway he can. He never planned a date? Damn does that man even like you? Seriously he never made any effort to do something nice for you that’s crazy. Regardless of what anyone says only you know what you can and cannot tolerate anymore.
Honestly OP, if someone needs to be asked just to *check on* his partner who’s having a miscarriage, this has got to the point where there’s not even any point in giving him an ultimatum – even if it worked, he’d spend the next year pushing to find out the *exact minimum* he could get away with doing without losing his live-in maid and nanny, and over time things would slide back and then *get worse* because he’d have learnt that you wouldn’t follow through on threats
Your counsellor absolutely sucks, by the way
He’s entirely selfish, and he does not care about you, and you do need to divorce. At this point it’s not a negotiation or a cry for help or trying to make him appreciate you, it’s you going and what he does with the rest of his life is up to him
I think tragic events in our lives can be clarifying moments for our relationships. It sounds like he was never really that invested in you, so what had you doing all of the emotional and physical labour in the relationship? If you decided you want to stay in the relationship, then yes, forgiving him will be more helpful to you than holding a grudge. But, do you want to stay in a relationship where your husband doesn’t want to accept responsibility and repair the issue? Is he even capable? I think if he can apologize and make lasting changes to his behavior then forgiveness should be relatively straightforward. At the end of the day, forgiveness really is a gift you give yourself.
You find out who your partner and friends really are during a crisis…. health problem, death, accident, etc.
Your husband failed below even basic empathy. He didn’t check on a sick person in his home, even once, during 24 hours?…except to bring you a child that wanted attention.
I was sick yesterday. My husband checked on me every couple of hours. He had to take our kid to a sports class. He stopped by a shop onthe way back and got me some sour dough bread for something plain and mild to eat. Made me tea. Brought me toast.
I would not count on your husband to take care of your child if they were sick and you weren’t available.
I would leave a person this callous and shallow.
You may need to forgive him for your own mental health doesn’t mean the relationship needs to continue
You need to ditch the man and the counsellor. They should not be telling you that you ‘should’ forgive him. That is your choice to make, no one else’s. Personally I think this sounds irretrievable. He should be wracked with guilt and shame by now but you say his behaviour hasn’t changed?
You have to take care of him, your child, and he pawned his mother off on you as well? He’s using you, OP.
Both he and his Mom are horrible people. Now you know where he gets it from. You and your son deserve better.
“Let you down” is really taking it easy. He basically dropped you, I would be livid.
Your husband sounds like my ex. They don’t just learn empathy as an adult. He isn’t going to change. Pull the plug.
Firstly, I’m so sorry OP for your recent loss. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be and to not have support either. Virtual hugs!
Secondly, I was married to a man embarrassingly longer than I should have been who lacked emotional intelligence and empathy. He missed out somehow on learning these things between the ages of 4-8 if I recall the therapist correctly. There was no fixing him.
I think you’ve already gotten some great advice and comments in here, so I’ll just echo the “plan your exit” recommendation.
I promise you that you will be 100% happier after you lose the dead weight of the husband and his mother.
Your “husband” doesn’t sound like a person to build a life with … sure, you can “forgive” him… but do it as you kick his ass out the door. You deserve better… expect better… require better!!!
IMO…… just take the child and go….he can ask for 50/50 custody