, I (31M) am married to a doctor (31F). We have been together for a long time and have recently been facing a challenging situation. My wife’s most recent job, which she joined a year ago, has brought her a promotion but also an overwhelming workload. Despite having a set amount of work hours, she is constantly working extra due to emergencies in her department. She assures me that everyone in the department faces the same issue, but I can’t shake the feeling that they take advantage of her, especially because she is the youngest.
While she acknowledges this, my wife is not a confrontational person and finds it difficult to address this issue or bring it up with her superiors. Consequently, our limited time together has been greatly impacted by her excessive workload. Furthermore, she frequently works night duties, causing her to stay up most of the night and struggle to recover her sleep once she returns home. It greatly concerns me to see how this affects her health, as she is unable to get adequate rest. If her work hours were more manageable, the night duties would not pose such a significant problem. For instance, there have been instances where she had to do four consecutive night duties (one night duty followed by a rest day, then another night duty). This means she only gets to sleep every other night, and I fear the long-term consequences on her well-being.
Despite the fact that we are satisfied with her salary, I am genuinely unsure of what steps to take in this difficult situation. I feel a strong desire to intervene and advocate for what is right or wrong, but at the same time, I wonder if it’s better for me to stay out of her work life.
In this context, what should I be doing to support my wife during this challenging period? How can I help her navigate the constant overload and protect her health? Allow me to delve into each aspect more comprehensively, exploring potential solutions and strategies for both of us.
Firstly, let me express my concern and empathy for your wife’s current situation. It is evident that her workload has become excessive, and it is understandable that you worry about the toll it may take on her physical and mental health. The fact that she is unable to recuperate from her night duties due to the demanding work schedule is indeed problematic. It’s distressing to see someone we care about facing such challenges, especially when we feel limited in our ability to provide direct assistance.
While it may be tempting to take charge and assert what is right or wrong in her work life, it is wise to consider the potential ramifications of such action. It is crucial to respect your wife’s agency and professional autonomy, as well as the dynamics within her workplace. Instead of assuming a directive role, you can adopt a supportive and collaborative approach to address the issues at hand. Let’s examine some steps you can take to help your wife navigate this challenging period:
1. Communicate openly: Encourage your wife to express her concerns and feelings about her workload. Assure her that you are there to listen and support her. Sometimes, having a safe space to talk about frustrations can make a significant difference in coping with stress. Respect her perspective and validate her experiences, acknowledging the difficulties she faces.
2. Explore available resources: Research the policies and support systems within her workplace. Are there any avenues for addressing workload concerns or seeking assistance? Encourage your wife to familiarize herself with these resources and guide her through the process if necessary. Sometimes, simply knowing her options can empower her to take action.
3. Encourage self-care practices: Helping your wife maintain her health and well-being is crucial during this demanding period. Encourage her to prioritize self-care and establish healthy habits. This could include regular exercise, a balanced diet, adequate sleep whenever possible, and relaxation techniques such as meditation or yoga. By taking care of herself, she can better manage the stressors at work.
4. Collaborate on time management: Offer to help your wife develop effective time management strategies. Evaluate her existing routine and identify areas where she can potentially optimize her time. This may involve delegating tasks, utilizing technology to enhance efficiency, or setting boundaries with work-related messages and notifications during her personal time.
5. Seek professional support: If the workload continues to affect your wife’s health and well-being significantly, it may be beneficial for her to seek support from a healthcare professional or therapist. They can provide guidance on stress management techniques, offer coping strategies, and help her navigate through these challenging circumstances.
6. Encourage open dialogue at work: While it’s not your place to interfere directly, you can still support your wife in finding her voice within her workplace. Encourage her to engage in open dialogue with her superiors or colleagues, highlighting the issues she faces due to excessive workload. Sometimes, raising awareness within the organization can lead to positive changes and a more balanced work environment for everyone involved.
7. Foster a supportive environment at home: Create a nurturing and supportive environment at home to mitigate the impact of work-related stress. Encourage quality time together and engage in activities that help both of you relax and unwind. Actively listen to her concerns and provide emotional support, reminding her that you are there for her during this challenging period.
8. Advocate for work-life balance: Consider joining forces with likeminded individuals who are also concerned about work-life balance issues in your wife’s field. Collectively, you can raise awareness, lobby for policy changes, or support initiatives that promote a healthier work environment.
Remember, it is crucial to strike a balance between being supportive and allowing your wife the agency and autonomy to navigate her own professional life. By providing a listening ear, resources, and a nurturing home environment, you can help your wife manage the challenges she faces while also prioritizing her well-being.
That sounds tricky man. I could state the obvious and just say “request vacation” but if she doesn’t want to, you gotta support her through it. Seems like she’s going through a lot and only needs your support. Telling her what’s right/wrong is probably counter productive in making her feel supported.
How many hours per week is she working?
Number one thing in any relationship is communication. So do that. Talk to your wife about your concerns, and figure out solutions together.
Have a talk to her. Tell her what you’ve said here – that you’re worried about her health, that you miss her because you get so little time together.
Be honest.
Once you’ve said it, ask her what help/support she’d like to set up something more sustainable.
You’re right. This can’t go on indefinitely. It’s not good for her, for you or for your life together…but coming up with something that **can** last is going to have to be a collaborative effort.
You come across as a good guy. My spidey senses went up when you mentioned her promotion and then immediately went back down as you expressed genuine concern and compassion for your wife’s well being. Kudos!
Talk to her as others mentioned.
But don’t approach this as a one and done convo. It may take a series of convos. A couple to get both your feelings out. A couple to fully understand the situation from both perspectives. Some to brainstorm ideas. And then several to check in to see how things are going once you implement the solution. She has to adjust to the new job as well as make adjustments in the relationship with you. This is going to wear on your patience. It’s also going to be difficult for her as you’ve acknowledged.
Consider this a rough patch in your marriage. But give each other grace and give yourself a pat on the back for being aware and proactive.
She’s a doc, probably need to get used to it or be ready for a much lower lifestyle level. Some trauma docs pull 16-20 hour days multiple days in a row, like all weekend. They get paid well for a good reason.
Not trying to alarm you, but doctors are a profession with a really high risk of suicide.
Maybe make sure you guys have a plan, like there is a movement called FIRE where people work like mad and build up their investment portfolio so that it’s enough to sustain them and then transition to easier work.
Just make sure you don’t fall for the lifestyle inflation trap and get stuck with the golden handcuffs.
Communicate, but that’s what you get for having a high earning spouse.
Either be a good house husband to her or divorce and find someone who is more available. 🤷♂️
I am a surgeon so my husband has always been in your situation. I also of course have several female doctors as my nearest friends and we talk about this.
What is important in my opinion is that it is your concern for her that drives you and not that you want her to work less because you want her to be more at home.
It is a very common problem that at work you are pressured to take extra on call shifts and you are expected there to take as much as the other. What is the difference is that my male colleagues usually gets more support from their wives ‘poor you, you are a hero, I understand’ but the husbands tend to be a bit more ‘what about me’ and get irritated.
And the latter attitude give more stress than anything.
I have heard several times from my female colleagues about their husband ‘he sure does complain when I work extra but have no qualms when the money for it comes in’
So make sure (both that you feel this honestly and in way of saying it) you adress this from a standpoint of concern for her, not because in fact you feel neglected. My two cents.
I’m a doctor. The hours are tough. I changed field because it affected my marriage. I resent my husband for it. I wouldn’t have expected or asked him to do the same.
If she’s happy for now to do the work you need to support her decision and her mate. Keep an eye on her health and well-being, because… Well doctors are awful at looking out for themselves usually.
It is a partnership but try to find a way to meet each other’s needs when you can. Communication is key.
Tldr: Be the highlight of each other’s day.
You might have to live with that. And like it or not, she probably has to work harder than some of her older (or simply, male) counterparts for the same recognition. Free up the mental load at home for her, if you can, so that she can actually relax when she gets home.
Ask her why she’s still working resident hours as an attending. Maybe she’s still in that mindset and hasn’t digested that she has earned attending hours.
There are some important details missing though. How much student debt does she have? Is she hustling to pay it off? And what specialty is this? As in is this kind of schedule inherent to the specialty or could it be remedied with a different job/hospital/clinic?
Hi, i’m a husband to a gynaecologist. As you can imagine, one of the more busy specializations in medicine.
We’ve been together for almost a decade, being married for 4yrs and having a kid of 2 (today).
I feel your pain and discomfort and I see you.
My wife is equally unconfrontational and would rather just go with the flow of things instead of being like a salmon and doing her own thing.
That being said: my wife and my doctorwife are two different people, i have noticed.
We’ve come this far by me realising this. She does her job with love and passion, and I love her.
Loving is also letting go. Let her live up to the full potential she wants to achieve. She’ll notice in time where she wants her balance to be.
Feel free to tell her what you’d love the balance to be, but be mindful that this natural balance will take years.
If I were you, and I basicaly was, i’d accept this.
Having accepted this, gave me a more relaxed life. My solo time became a gift. I did my motorcycle license, have time with my son, worked on a projectcar…
I’ve grown really fond of my alone time. Just my 2 cents.
You should definitely talk to her about how you feel in the situation. I mean, wanting to spend more time together is definitely showing her, that you care about the relationship.
I think, you do not need to suggest action, but instead make her aware of the situation, that this is not healthy to sustain long term (which it isnt).
So I would support her, but also clearly assert, that you want more time together (without making any ultimatums as it is not easy for her to change her schedule).
Dude , stay out of her work business , she already has to deal with their bullshit and the hours , what she needs from you is support not criticism of her job that you aren’t working and don’t actually understand since again you’re not doing the job . Figure out how to make ur peace with it that this is how it’s gonna be till they get some new doctors under her in seniority .
**I want to take charge and tell her what’s right or wrong**
This is a TERRIBLE impulse. Ignore it.
What should you be doing? You can talk to your wife about being concerned for her mental and physical health due to lack of sleep. You can talk with her about whether there is a different job with more set hours that she can start looking for. You can certainly tell her that you miss her and that this wacky schedule is taking a toll on your marriage.
You can also do things like help and support her by making sure she has food, clean laundry, etc. If this is the job she needs now to get her to where she wants to be in the future, then it may be worth a year or two of inconvenience. That’s also something you should discuss.
Making more money?
So you married a doctor and then we’re surprised that she was overworked? Do you know nothing about the American medical system?
Take charge? That’s quite troubling. Stop with that.
Hubs isn’t a physician but his work does have a hefty travel schedule. He can often be gone for days or a week at a time a few times a month during his busy times. Works long hours when he is home. I knew that about him when we started dating. I prefer a hefty amount of alone time so it works for us. Makes the time we do have together more meaningful.
At the root of what you’re talking about is compatibility. Your wife is a new physician with a heavy work load. That isn’t going to change for a long while. You want something different. You’re going to have to ask yourself the hard questions (Is this lifestyle something I can live with for the foreseeable future?) and then speak with your wife in a calm, adult manner once you have your answers.
Go sit in the waiting room
My fiancé is currently a night shift nurse. We have totally opposite schedules so I can relate to the issues you’re having. If she has a string of nights in a row or alternating, I recommend she just stays with that night pattern until the streak is over. Like even on the day off in between the shifts, have her sleep during the day and stay up during the night like she would on a night shift
I couldn’t even date student docs because I knew this would happen.
I hate to say this, but you married a doctor. This is a doctor’s life, and what you describe is very, very common.
So, you want control. Every single medical doctor in the US is overworked. It was her choice of career. She is good with it. It is the main reason why I didn’t go to medical school. Tell her how you feel, work on your relationship and have her look for an opportunity to work less hours.
Doctor’s spouse here, I feel like I could have written this post.
I think this is an incredibly personal subject, I one time found myself demanding my wife quit her job. I realize how fucked up that is but for reasons it became a deal breaker for me and I had to tell her. She did end up leaving that position and got a better job and I think today she would say I was right – but the drama along the way was high, I mean I understood what I was asking was fucked up but for me I just was not going to negotiate it.
My thinking was, I have to be happy and if this isn’t it then I have to say and do something.
Support her when she is home – nobody wants their husband to fix their worklife, ever.
There’s not much you can do except do as much as possible at home so she can fully relax.
Unfortunately that’s the life of a doctor. It’s relentless.
Women have been complaining about this forever about their husbands working too many hours and never home. Now a lot of men are the ones complaining but not about the income that comes with all of those hours! TALK TO HER, it’s her job, it’s her career, she didn’t get where she is today by being someone you can walk all over. She probably loves her job and what it requires of her. Talk to her and see where her head is, if she won’t bend and make more time for you then you need to decide if that’s good enough or not.
Wait, you gotta doctor partner. Likely making a ton of cash. You got time to yourself to pickup some hobbies. But you’re complaining about life?
My man. My partner and I work completely different schedules. She’s up at 6am and I’m off work at 2am. I’m going into work before she starts her commute. We have two evenings off together and two “mornings” where we can hang out. I sleep in the guest room most nights now because I don’t want to disturb her sleep and she doesn’t wake me up in the mornings either. We purchased headphones so we can watch tv or play games without disturbing each other. We figured out how to make our lives work together. We know this won’t be forever.
You’re being selfish. This won’t last forever. Support your partner and make the little time you have with her more important. She’s likely aware that her work schedule sucks and you complaining about it only makes it worse for her. Find a hobby, or get a puppy, to focus on and leave your wife the fuck alone about her work life.
It’s an early years thing – most pressure in early years of the job, most relationship pressure in the early years, most earnings pressure, most career establishment pressure, and on it goes. Female professionals also have the extra stress that many male professionals can be jealous of a female getting promoted ahead of them. Then there’s the decision when/if to have a child and who should look after the baby if one happens – sorry guys but you really have it easy there ! One suggestion is to plan short holidays a couple of times a year, out of the country and turn your phones off. Planning these, looking forward to them, enjoying the time together, and good memories afterwards, may help with the pressures. Best of luck and keep talking 👍☺️
You should stfu and set yourself about making the best of your limited time together, imho.
If you can’t overcome this challenge you should leave the relationship.
This is a perennial issue in medicine and I’m sure the other spouses would have a lot of advice and suggestions on how to address this.
The good news is that in time her rotation will change and she’ll have more time but it’s really hard to say how long this will take.
She’s spent her life building to this. “Taking charge and telling her what’s right” is just invalidating her life choices and putting your wishes first.
You knew what tract she was on even if you didn’t understand how that would affect you.
The medical field has taken a massive hit during the pandemic. I get the stress. Make sure she’s being paid for her work! It might be two years before it levels out. Hence the pay situation. Pack the money away and plan on trips when you are able. Giving her shit about something she can’t control is reason for her to work even more hours with someone else. I have been dating a travel nurse and her schedule is crazy, but I see what she’s making and I would be stupid if I didn’t do the same thing. A few days every 2-3 weeks. Not what I want but I get it. We were dating before it went to shit. But I couldn’t argue against the numbers. If anything, I see it as her support system. Obviously everyone’s situation is different. But pulling punches on your wife’s career? That she is probably still paying for with student loans? Might not be a good look.
It may very well be that as the new kid on the block ? She’s going to have to establish herself and her work relationships THEN she can find a healthy balance.
Give her time and love and support while she integrates herself in her new role.
Starting ANY new job is stressful and requires a period of adjustment….. I can only imagine she’s likely experiencing info overload while she gets her feet under her and finds her footing.
Can you maybe present her with a gift of a weekend away or tickets to a show or event she’s like ? Something down the road so that she can plan for it with her schedule ? Maybe this is one of those actions speak louder than words. Focus on the positive and what YOU can control.
You guys are young and while sleep is always important – it’s fairly common to work a boatload of hrs when we get launched into our forever careers ….
Sleep when we can is sometimes the only viable approach. I’m in my 50’s and still work 70odd hrs a week – days and nights – self employed so sometimes it’s just me ….. I’d not appreciate my husband getting on me about hours and sleep – knew what he was getting into when he married me ….. like you did, too.
I’d promise her you aren’t going to nag her ….. and that you also admit the schedule is hard on you and that you miss her. (No guilt) so maybe every other month you can take the initiative to make a plan and all you need her to do is be ready on time to go on the next adventure.
Just be supportive, and think about the above comment from another doctor that explained the difference between how Male Dr’s are treated differently than Female Dr’s by their spouses – that was eye opening !!! You get more flies with honey.
If there was anything she could have done about this, she would have. It just doesn’t work that easy in medicine, you can’t just up and go and say I’m not working tonight. Because that means someone dies. You’re concerned for her and that makes sense of course, but she pretty well knows she isn’t getting enough sleep and is prolly just barely making it through. This is not the time to highlight what is already clear. This is the time to be supportive and understanding and tell her that you’ll get through this together and you’re here for her. She might just get a whole new clarity about things or what she can do if you lead from a place of love and care, rather than giving her a lecture over what’s right or wrong, no my man; that won’t work.
You married a doctor. That literally becomes their entire identity above all else. Is it their calling to this degree? Either you’ve gotta accept that or you’ll have to figure out a less conventional marriage (IE: you get to date other people on top of it due to your loneliness) or break up.
Personally, I know I have no long-term compatibility with any workaholic to that degree. Nurse? Okay. Feasible. Doctor? Nope.
My wife is a DR as well, works 60/70 hours every week. Honestly best thing you can do is support her, we take dogs for walks daily and she tells me about her patients. I built a cinema room and we make time every weekend to watch a movie. If there’s any hobby/things she likes to do then I make time for them.
If your wife is like mine, she won’t change and it’s best not to change her. I handle everything else in life so when we have free time together there are no interruptions.
You need to suck it up butter cup.
There is nothing for you to take charge of except your attitude. These are the hours a doctor works at the stage she is in her career. That’s the awful reality of the situation. I was in a relationship with a doctor at that age. You accept it or leave. I didn’t mind it. I’m independent with a full and active life. I knew he was with me almost every minute he wasn’t at work. I tried to take care of things for him so our time was about connecting and making sure he got rest. He was very grateful for my effort. You need to get some hobbies and roll with it.
If you are working normal hours and you aren’t already doing this, you can help her by taking on all of the household chores. So that when she is home, it can be to rest and to spend time with you.
There is nothing like walking into your home after a long shift, and finding a clean house and a cooked meal.
Ask her if there’s anything else you can do to support her.
>I want to take charge and tell her what’s right or wrong
You were fine until you said this. Who the hell are you?
You married a doctor. It will get better when she’s older, but for now, stay in your lane.
As a wife married to someone who used to work 75+ hours a week, it sucks but you’re supportive. 31 seems pretty young in the medical field so it’s one of those things where it might get worse before it gets better. Ask yourself- is it truly only about her health or are you feeling slighted? I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and I now know the difference, and you need to be honest about yourself.
It was not fun to be the wife of someone working that much most of the time but when he could be present he was. If she’s giving what she can you need to figure out if that’s enough for you. I can’t answer that and neither can anyone on this board.
As someone who’s husband came out of the crazy hours, it wasn’t easy but it was worth it, but marriage is going to be a lot of give and take throughout the years.
Either be okay with it or tell her you want a divorce because you’d rather be with someone who doesn’t work so much. There’s really not much you can do that isn’t forcing or coercing her into doing what you want her to do otherwise.
My wife took up a new position about two years ago. It was dumb amount of effort on her part. Lots of hours, I supported her to the very best of my abilities. Taking kids to school, lunches, dinners, all the chores. She’s in bed by 7 pm. Every night. It was torture. Dead bedroom, on and on. I walked into her home office and I said “I thought this was supposed to improve work life balance.” We had a long talk and she went in for some psychiatric treatments. She poured all her energy into work that she had nothing left for the others in the house.
She spoke with her manager and they made some adjustments to her book of business and things improved. She’s in the financial industry and not healthcare.
Bottom line is to talk to her with dignity, respect, and honesty. She’s not a mind reader, and she needs to hear your perspective.
You have to talk to her about your concerns and ask her to help you with finding mutually agreeable solutions. Maybe she feels overworked and wants to stand up to her boss or whatever. Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she’s loving this part of her career. You have to find out what she feels and make sure she knows what you feel. Only then can you even start to see what could possibly be changed or improved. Be prepared to hear that she possibly perceives this situation very differently than you.
She’s saving lives; and that’s admirable! Continue to support her, but also get her to commit to taking vacations together; for much needed Quality Time.