Before discussing what to do in your situation, it’s important to remember that I am an AI language model and not a licensed therapist or counselor. It might be beneficial for you to seek professional guidance to help you navigate your complex emotions and explore the best course of action for your specific circumstances. With that being said, I can provide you with some general advice and considerations to help you make an informed decision.
1. Assessing if you are being extreme:
It’s natural to question whether your feelings and thoughts are reasonable or extreme when contemplating leaving a long-term relationship. However, it’s important to remember that there is no universal standard for what constitutes “extreme.” Your emotions and needs are valid, and it’s essential to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. Reflect on whether this dissatisfaction in your marriage has persisted for an extended period and if your attempts at improvement have been unsuccessful or only temporary. Consider seeking the opinion of a therapist who can provide an outside perspective and help you evaluate the situation objectively.
2. Evaluating your feelings and needs:
You have described feeling unfulfilled, unsupported, and disconnected in your marriage. These are crucial factors to consider when deciding whether to separate or work on the relationship. Take some time to deeply analyze your emotions, the root causes of your dissatisfaction, and whether you have exhausted all possible avenues for improvement. It’s important to determine if these negative feelings are solely due to your partner’s behavior or if there are any personal or external factors contributing to your unhappiness.
3. Communicating with your husband:
If you decide that separation is the best option for you, having an open and honest conversation with your husband is essential. Choose a suitable time and place where you both can have privacy and minimal distractions. It’s important to express your thoughts and feelings calmly and respectfully. Be clear about your reasons for wanting to separate and avoid blaming or attacking him. Use “I” statements to express how you feel rather than “you” statements that may come across as accusatory. Emphasize that this decision is not impulsive but the result of a long struggle within the relationship. Encourage him to share his perspective and emotions as well, allowing for healthy and constructive dialogue.
4. Seek professional support:
Going through a separation or divorce is emotionally challenging, and seeking the guidance of a therapist or counselor is highly recommended. They can provide you with tools to cope with the emotional toll, help establish healthy boundaries, and navigate the legal and practical aspects of ending a marriage. A professional can also assist in processing your feelings of guilt or uncertainty and help you explore your future goals and aspirations.
5. Practical considerations:
Ending a marriage involves several practical considerations. Determine the division of assets, discuss living arrangements, and consider the well-being of any pets involved. It’s important to approach these discussions with fairness and transparency. If you decide to consult a lawyer, they can provide advice on legal obligations and guide you through the separation process.
Remember, the decision to separate or work on a marriage is highly personal, and only you can determine what is best for your own happiness and well-being. Take the time to reflect, seek professional guidance, and prioritize self-care throughout this process.
You’d be happier without him than with him. Time to divorce
Some people aren’t meant to be together.
Flip it the other way around: would you want your spouse to stay with you primarily because leaving you would hurt your feelings? I don’t know about you but I think most humans want a partner who stays because they want to stay. You do his feelings no favors by staying in the marriage as a self-made hostage. He is who he is and years of come-to-Jesus-talks haven’t made a dent. I think a trial separation is what you both need.
Oof, I think you know what to do. Before you do anything though, make sure you’ll get out untouched legally and financially, talk to a lawyer and get a professional advice.
But you have to get out of this relationship asap. You’re still young, don’t waste your best years on someone who clearly doesn’t value you or makes you happy. You deserve way better.
Ok I am going to start out by saying I do not think couple should divorce over just anything. Like firm believer in if there was not cheating, abuse, etc it can be worked out.
Now that being said unfortunately here you married someone with NO Ambition in life. Someone who is content to be mothered and provided for by you. He took 6 years to get and 18 month to 2 year degree. He works a job making half that of his wife and has not goal to even try anything different. He plays Video games and neglects EVERYTHING ELSE to allow you to handle it all while you work your butt off.
In this case and this case only I would suggest separating while doing Couples counseling. Meaning your still married just living separate. So no dating for either of you. No sleeping with other people. Just time apart to be your own people. He needs to be on his own for a time so that he can rewire his self to be self sufficient. You already are self sufficient. Nothing changes with him home or not. This could end in a divorce or with you together and happy. But I don’t see him changing long term with no time to do it for himself. You have not been enough of a reason for him to do so up until now. So your needs will not change him.
Further if you have reached the point after 3 years of marriage that your heart is neutral to him you have probably already crossed the line of you gaining love back for him. You will always love him but if you can look at someone and be unaffected by them because you know it is never going to change then you have personally reached the point that you are done heart and soul.
It sounds like this relationship is over. It sounds like you have already emotionally grieved the loss of the relationship and you are ready to move on. Spread your wings and fly!
Really seems like more of a roommate from what I’m reading here.
You are worried to hurt him. But it doesn’t seem he is worried or cares about hurting you. You asked him for help around the house because you were doing too much and he declined (it was obvious it was hurting you). You had an anxiety attack and tried to get help/support, he ignored you (he hurt you). You left for a week and he did not even text to see how you were (so he was zero worried about you).
Stop caring so much, I guess. He doesn’t care about you so why would you care?
If you are going to divorce, consult a lawyer and get everything prepared and serve him papers. If you want to hurt him less, it’d better to just do it and not drag it for a long time. You’ll also have to make a plan on how you’ll split and everything, since it seems he plans zero.
Oh this made me so sad to read. You are doing almost all of the labour in this relationship and getting crumbs in return. This isn’t love. It’s obviously that you are an energetic and bright woman with a growth mindset. Find someone who inspires you instead of dragging you down. You’re still so young. Get out there and enjoy your life, your freedom, and your money. It’s better to be alone than live with a parasite.
At 29, you’re damn right I’d leave him.
He ignored your efforts to fix things every 3-4 months for 2 years, and only after you gave him the last chance talk is he scrambling. He can’t maintain this. And if he can, why didn’t he care about your happiness in the relationship all along and only now?
You might hurt his feelings, but damn he hasn’t made an ounce of effort for YEARS.
How has that made you feel? How many times have you felt hurt, neglected, dissappinted, ignored, small, unimportant? That is the consequence for him not bothering to be a partner to you.
So just to recap here: You don’t get anything from your marriage. No emotional support (not his “forte”), no fun times/dates/activities (he only likes video games); no help with responsbilities (you’re “better” at that stuff!), no financial help (He isn’t movtivated to get ahead or earn more); and no intimacy (not just sex either – there’s NONE). You’ve warned him, you’ve tried to talk to him. You’ve done everything you can. He doesn’t care enough. I mean, I’m sure it will be devastating to him when you tell him its over, but too little too late at that point. Plus, changes people make to get others to stay don’t last. You guys are just not compatible as a couple. You don’t even hang out together as friends. You absolutely should separate before wasting any more of your life sitting in a stagnant relationship. He’s comfortable (“content”) and sees no reason to change, even though you’ve told him you’re unhappy. You’ve reached a dead end here.
It’s going to be very hard and he will be hurt, but you have to, at SOME point, think about yourself and your own happiness.
He sounds like a roommate who isn’t paying his half of the rent and also not cleaning up after himself. Wouldn’t you have kicked out a roommate like that a long time ago? What’s different about him other than the marriage certificate. He’s not there for you emotionally or physically so it can’t be that.
Sorry, but this man is lazy and he has it good, you’ve been mothering him. He doesn’t have to try at anything and although you say he’s affable and not malicious, he didn’t care when you had an anxiety attack, he seems to make no effort. You are roommates at this point, you don’t spend any time together and youre lying to your friends about your life.
Unless youre happy with this for the rest of your life you need to do something about it.
Sounds very similar to the situation I just ended. He would at least text me throughout the day though. But everything else the basic “teenager but has a job and contributes towards the bills.”
That was him. I ended things a little over 3 weeks ago. I feel a weight off my shoulders. He still lives with me but I have a feeling I’ll feel so much better once he’s gone. Looking forward to it.
“At one point I asked him if he could at least maybe pick up on more chores to help me out since I was desperate to feel any sense of fairness in our day to day. He refuses to do any extra work, all repairs/services/any sort of issue in our lives falls solely to me since I am “better at figuring things out” than him. All phone calls, scheduling, problems all fall to me to handle, while his day to day consists solely of video games.”
You making double what he doesn’t isn’t a big deal IMO, but this is.
You’re married to a child.
The fact that you’ve got this far indicates that you have, for all practical purposes, already made the decision.
He sounds like an absolute drag and a bore.
He contributes nothing to the relationship, maybe he’s already checked out and just left the actual dumping to you to do, just like everything else.
BTW – you mean UNinterested, not DISinterested
>considers me the greatest thing to happen to him
Well yeah. You do everything for him, pay for everything, feed him, clean him. Basically a mom with benefits. I mean, if you just wanna adopt and adult child, I volunteer!
At least, with me, I can feed and clean up after myself, and I won’t expect any, uh, “benefits”.
-He refuses to do any extra work-
Stop being nice or polite, GET OUT OF THERE
Call a divorce lawyer. He has only been trying this past week to be better because he knows it is the end of the road. You deserve to be happy, joyous, and free, OP.
He may not have a mean bone, but reality may slap some seriousness into him.
Know what the alimony laws are in your state – you’re the breadwinner.
What do YOU get out of this relationship? You don’t get companionship, you don’t get support, you don’t get fun, you don’t get financial help, you don’t get any joy. Relationships aren’t easy to maintain but they’re not supposed to be an anchor dragging you down and making everything harder.
My opinion is that you would not “hurt” him by divorcing him. I think you would inconvenience him, and he would react to his cash cow evacuating his life.
Nothing in this post even suggests that he loves you. Move on. You’re a badass who has her life together. You are young. You deserve to be loved.
I am torn because I want to tell you that of course you should leave him. But then I would have to face that I’m not taking my own advice.
But logic says you leave
You have a freeloader. Leave. About being nice and all that – that comes last. You need a lawyer. A husband with no goals will try to squeeze every penny out of you.
You’re just existing in this relationship. This is not a life.
He’s an albatross. Lose that weight.
You may be the best thing that happened to him, but he certainly isn’t the best thing for you by a long shot . Don’t prolong it, and have regrets later.
He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.
Best advice I got out of therapy: You cannot make excuses for him anymore. You can only tell him what you’re not willing to live with.
I could have written this post. I made the mistake of staying too long. I became someone i didn’t like because when id talk to my husband and he never had any input about ANYTHING I became an angry person – I had never been like that before. I look back with so much regret that i didn’t get out sooner. I hope this doesn’t happen to you.
There’s nothing lonelier than being with the wrong person.
Are you sure you’re childfree? Because it seems like you’re raising a full grown man.
Did he put any money into the house? Can you buy him out in cash? Sometimes it helps to pay someone to leave.
As soon as I saw video games, I knew. A very destructive addiction in a relationship. Just tell him you’ve grown apart and don’t have the same goals. Be as equitable as you can and prepare to pay alimony. Best to you.
You two are not financially compatible, or lifestyle compatible. He likes the more simple life and you want a more richer life, nothing wrong with either, but that does cause issues.
Add to that you’re not sexually compatible.
However, what makes him an AH, is that he’s passes all the mental load and chores to you and uses weaponised incompetence to make you responsible for it all. He expects you to pay for almost everything and do all the domestic labour and carry all the mental load. And he’s not even a fun companion.
There’s nothing worth staying for.
I don’t think he loves you… he loves what you do for him.. which is nearly everything.
I’m petty and would give him this “one last chance” but as soon as he goes right back to his old ways, hand him divorce papers. Might as well call a lawyer and get the process going, I doubt it will take more than 2 weeks before he’s back to his normal behavior.
Women marry men hoping they will change them, and men marry women hoping they stay the same.
Sometimes people also just outgrow each other. If one party keeps growing and the other side doesn’t keep up, you get disinterested after the gap widens. Not just monetary but self growth as well.
Why not try marriage counselling? If you want to give it one last honest hurrah – this would at least give the better chance of success, or closure and mutual understanding if it doesn’t work out.
Best of luck finding happiness out there. Be it in your current marriage, or whatever decision you decide to move with.
I was in your situation married for 15 years. I couldn’t even read to the end this was so familiar to me. He will never change. He will never help. The resentment between you will grow. Just tell him the truth. You are no longer compatible. You need to move on. Good luck!
OP- Just make sure you’re prepared. When you do tell him, he is going to pull out ALL the stops. He will all of a sudden be everything you ever hoped he would be. I wouldn’t put it past him to start doing the dishes before you finish talking. He’ll be tossing out romantic gestures faster than my chubby dog does tricks when I come home with a bucket of chicken. (And even with a bit of pudge that furry chicken maniac is fast!) It’s what people like this do. When threatened with the demise of their oh so sweet ride, they suddenly remember EVERYTHING you ever mentioned. When this happens, do not be fooled! Repeat to yourself – or, hell, say it out loud – He obviously heard me, understood and is capable of doing everything that I ever asked of him. But it wasn’t important enough for him to care about the whole time he broke my heart. Where he wants you to see effort and romance, remember the years he’s ignored you. All he’s putting effort into is simply showing you all the things he has been able to do all along but just didn’t feel like it. Giving you a nice little fast-forward contrast to just how awful he’s been this whole time. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve it. Whatever you do, though, please do NOT let him stay. Like, if it’s raining, hand him an umbrella and tell him to call his Uber from the sidewalk, not stay. Ignore every word he says like the Siren’s song in the Odyssey. It will only drag you under! Good luck. Stay strong. You deserve your joy ride. Not being someone’s free ride.
What’s worse then spending 6 years with the wrong person?
Spending 7.
Get out now.