Handling family members who don’t respect your boundaries can be a challenging and emotionally draining experience. It becomes even more complicated when you cannot simply cut them out of your life due to the love and appreciation you have for them. In your case, where your parents grew up in a different cultural and historical context, understanding and bridging the gap between your expectations and their beliefs can be particularly difficult.
It is important to remember that setting boundaries is a fundamental aspect of maintaining healthy relationships. Boundaries serve as a way to protect your own mental, emotional, and physical well-being, as well as maintain a sense of autonomy and self-respect. Respecting someone’s boundaries is an essential part of any healthy relationship, regardless of cultural norms or generational differences.
With that said, finding a balance between respecting the cultural values and traditions while still asserting your own boundaries can be achieved through open and respectful communication. Here are some ways to effectively manage the situation:
1. Understand your own boundaries: Before having a conversation with your dad, it is essential to have a clear understanding of your own boundaries. Reflect on what makes you uncomfortable, what you are willing to compromise on, and what is non-negotiable. This personal clarity will help you communicate your boundaries effectively.
2. Educate yourself on cultural differences: Take the time to educate yourself about the culture and values your parents grew up with. Understand the origins of your father’s perspective on boundaries and respect for elders. This will help you develop empathy and understanding towards his point of view.
3. Start a respectful dialogue: Find an appropriate time to have a calm and honest conversation with your dad. Express your love, gratitude, and appreciation for him and the sacrifices he has made for the family. Clearly communicate your own feelings, reasoning, and expectations regarding boundaries, emphasizing that it is not about disrespect, but rather about your personal needs and well-being.
4. Be patient and understanding: Recognize that change takes time, especially when it comes to deeply ingrained beliefs and cultural norms. Be patient with your dad as he adjusts to your boundaries, and express that you understand his perspective too. This will help foster empathy and a more open environment for dialogue.
5. Set firm boundaries: Make your boundaries clear and assert them consistently. Reinforce the fact that your boundaries are not set to intentionally disrespect or challenge your father’s authority, but to promote a healthy and balanced relationship for both parties involved. Stick to your boundaries, even if it creates initial discomfort or tension.
6. Seek support from other family members: If other family members share your perspective, engage them in the conversation and seek their support. The collective reinforcement of boundaries may help your dad better understand that it is not just your personal preference, but a shared value within the family.
7. Consider involving a mediator: If the discussions become particularly challenging, you may want to consider involving a neutral third party, such as a therapist or counselor, who can help facilitate productive conversations and understanding between you and your dad.
8. Practice self-care: Dealing with boundary issues can be emotionally draining. Remember to prioritize self-care and seek support from friends, partners, or support groups to alleviate stress and maintain your own well-being during this process.
9. Accept the limitations: While it is crucial to advocate for your boundaries, it is also important to recognize and accept that your dad may never fully understand or agree with them. At the end of the day, what matters most is finding a compromise and maintaining a respectful relationship with him, even if it means adjusting your expectations to a certain extent.
In conclusion, managing family members who don’t respect boundaries can be challenging, especially when cultural norms and generational gaps come into play. However, with open and honest communication, patience, understanding, and a commitment to self-care, it is possible to find a balance that respects both your personal boundaries and the cultural context your parents grew up in. Remember, healthy relationships require mutual respect and understanding, and embracing both perspectives can lead to a more harmonious connection with your loved ones.
Therapy, if you can’t get them to respect your boundaries and you refuse to call them on it, find a pillow and get to punching.
Would need more context, what kind of boundaries are we talking about here?
you can always run away from home
There needs to be a penalty for bad behavior for someone to change. Some people will feel sufficiently bad if you politely say what they are doing is hurtful. Others need something more impactful.
There was a period where Mama Fox didn’t respect some of my boundaries. When that happened I would say “please stop” once, and if she persisted I would just leave and ignore my phone. I’d go to the next family event like nothing happened, and if asked I’d just say what was being done was hurtful so I removed myself from the situation. It didn’t take long for her to realize that if she wanted me to stay until dessert, she had to behave.
Firstly: Are you now on your own, paying for everything you need and not living with your parents? Do you not have any money you have to repay to your parents?
Independence comes at a cost… and this cost is being self-sufficient and not depending on your parents for anything.
If you reached this stage, you have the right to say no to everything your father does, before consulting you. He will eventually respect you for this, if you turn out to be a decent person in his eyes, but not before.
You don’t have to cut them out of your life. You just have to establish boundaries and ENFORCE them. If you are unable to handle the drama that will invariably ensue, then you better get used to this life.
You use your imagination.
Spend some time one day imagining a good life with them. What it would look like, feel like, etc. Then take stock of where they are. If it doesn’t work for you, detach and reattach some other day. Toxic families like power over you so remove it every way you can without leaving.
If you have the ability to dissociate or act, do it
It can be tough when family doesn’t respect boundaries, but cutting them out isn’t always the answer
Have you tried having a calm, honest conversation with your dad to explain your perspective and find a middle ground?
You have the power to control how much they are in your life.
For example:
You can Never answer calls.
You can answer call after a few days.
You can answer calls after a few hours.
You can answer call after a few minutes.
You can answer immediately.
You can start with more contact and if they cross boundaries then extend the time between contacts.
If your family just shows up at your house then you can answer the door if you want. You can not answer the door. You can tell them this isn’t a good time and could they call before coming over.
Also are you living in the country of your parent’s origin? Because if not, you are used to a whole different culture.
It’s important to remember that setting boundaries isn’t to get someone to act a certain way, it’s to demonstrate which behaviors you’ll tolerate. The boundaries lie within you and your response to others’ actions. You can’t expect people to change.
A boundary isn’t something you can enforce on anyone else, it’s a line for yourself. It’s what you will and won’t accept and how YOU will behave when a boundary is crossed.
“If they do X, I will not acknowledge it.” “If they do Y, I will cut contact.” Etc.
Unfortunately the only behavior we can control is our own! You can make your boundaries clear with your parents, and you can be transparent with them when they aren’t interacting with you the way you want to be interacted with, but at the end of the day, if they don’t change you can’t make them. You just decide how you are going to be in response.
I’m guessing that your parents, especially your father, aren’t going to change. So how much you can have them in your life is defined by how much boundary crossing you can tolerate. That’s it. That’s the reality. No two people agree on everything, and having a relationship means a certain amount of tolerance for the things you find disagreeable about a person. Welcome to the human condition.
You can try for a very limited, surface level relationship and disengage when he crosses a boundary – like, hang up the phone or physically leave. He may learn to connect you removing yourself with crossing a boundary, he may not.
Over time, you’ll start to see how much work you’re willing to put in to maintain things and if it’s worth it.
You have to prepare for it constantly – like, if you’re visiting in person, have a back up plan. A hotel room or a friend’s place and transportation. Never rely on them for any of that because they will use it as leverage.
This can be done diplomatically and kindly, but it’s going to take a lot of energy to stay consistent. Always stay consistent. If you give in, you’ll see them testing your other boundaries because they see weakness.
You just have to be willing to make him a little mad.
My in-laws used to show up unannounced/uninvited a lot. There is no gentle way to tell someone who thinks that’s OK that it isn’t. I either had to accept that they were going to continually interrupt us at all kinds of inconvenient times making me and my husband angry, or we were going to have to tell them that was not acceptable, making them angry. I was not willing to just seethe angrily in my own home every time they decided to drop in.
We also had to set boundaries around phone calls. We told them not to call after 9pm unless an ambulance was en route to their house, and I got rid of the land line so I did not have to answer the multiple calls my MIL made every day. She could call her son’s cell phone and talk to him directly and he could make his own boundaries about the number and length of calls.
They did not like being told they couldn’t do these things, but it was simply not acceptable to me to have them constantly interrupting every thing we tried to do.
My wife’s therapist told her to set boundaries in this order: ask, tell, make. First, you ask them to change their behavior, e.g. can you call before you come over next time? Some people will respond to this and it’s not very confrontational. If that doesn’t work, tell them directly and give a consequence, e.g. next time you come over without calling, I won’t open the door. Most people will get it at this point and curb that specific behavior. If you’re struggling with parental boundaries you’ll probably have to do this a lot and address lots of specific behaviors that you find unacceptable. Finally, you make them respect your boundary by following through on the consequence you set earlier, e.g. not answering the door when they show up unannounced.
It’s a difficult, long road. Your parents will surely push back at every instance and anytime you don’t uphold a boundary previously set it will be seen as an opportunity to cross other boundaries. Family therapy or even solo therapy can help a lot. Your parents won’t change if they don’t want to and if there’s no consequence to their actions.
ETA: It sounds like you already have a pretty honest relationship with them. Explaining that these boundaries are for you to be able to engage in a positive and loving relationship might help him to understand.
You’ve received good advice here. I did this with my mom once. “I love you very much, but I don’t want to talk about subject X anymore. If you bring it up again, I’ll end the phone call or I’ll go home”. The next time i’she brought it up (on the phone), I just said nicely “I am ending this call now. I love you. Goodbye”.
She never brought it up again.
“Can’t cut them out” is usually code for they give me lots of money, free rent, their car, on-call babysitting.
I am sorry but your are fundamentally flawed in your thinking. He decided to bring you into the world. His sacrifice was an obligation to you.
Boomers do this all the time. “I am old so you must respect and obey me by default.”
Fuck that.
You are not a slave to a Boomer.
You own you. They do not own you. They never did. Your boundaries are your fundamental right.
Have boundaries. Hold them fast. Have no feelings about the responses people give when they try and gaslight your protection of your own personal rights and freedoms. Keep doing you. If they double down, bin them.
Any person, religion or culture that denies people their own personal boundaries needs a slap.
You can cut anyone out of your life.
“I don’t need to know if you decide to eat some cheese in the middle of the night. I do need to know when you’re about to make a decision that directly involves me or my life in some way.”
Just ignore it. You don’t live with them.
I recommend “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss. He was the lead FBI hostage negotiator and his tactics work well on “difficult people “.
Evade. Dodge. Obscure. Placate with distracting positive stories until they don’t know what to ask. Are you secretly dating? Then tell them about your work troubles. Is your creer what you want to keep quiet? Maybe put out obvious signs of your religious devotion. Distract. Possibly they just worry and you can give them something else to worry about.
You leave when boundaries are violated. I would only visit mom at her house or in public so when she was inappropriate I could just dip. I kept pet cats around because she was allergic… She couldn’t hang in my house.
I know this might hit the ear wrong at first and I totally believe boundaries are necessary to ones well-being! That being said, we have to learn to pick our battles if we *really want* to effectively collaborate with people/community (relationships). I always try to look introspectively and determine whether the boundary I’m setting is simply more of a tool to remain in control of a situation/self and less about the act in itself; it can be a valuable insight… mindfulness practice I suppose.
*BUT* it also totally depends on the nature of the boundaries being set. Boundaries are absolutely necessary when your emotional and/or physical needs are not being met or even disrespected/abused. It’s important that we be able to differentiate between the two though. I really hope you guys can work through things respectfully and with the love you clearly have for one another.
Move away. I remember many years ago my dad telling me you can’t be a real adult if you live too close to your parents. They’ll always treat you like a child.
Probably explains why we never lived closer than 700 miles from his parents.
You’re not clear what boundaries you mean. It’s not something you can’t solve by putting locks on the doors?