#FertilityIssues #FamilyConflict #TTCstruggles
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If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve experienced the emotional rollercoaster of fertility struggles and the added stress of family conflict. It can be overwhelming, and you may feel like you’re the only one going through it. But I assure you, you’re not alone. Many couples face similar challenges but don’t always talk about it openly.
In this article, I want to share some insights, advice, and support for anyone dealing with fertility issues and family conflicts. I’ll address how to navigate these tough situations and provide tips for managing the emotional strain that comes with it.
### Our Experience
My husband (27) and I (25) have been trying to start a family for two years now, and it hasn’t been easy. Despite our young age, healthy lifestyle, and fulfilling relationship, we’ve encountered roadblocks on our journey to parenthood. My husband’s medical history has added an extra layer of complexity, and it’s taken a toll on both of us emotionally.
Our struggles have not only impacted us but also led to a significant family conflict. During a recent family gathering, a conversation about having kids turned into an uncomfortable lecture and, eventually, a traumatic experience for my husband. As a result, we’ve been facing judgment and criticism from extended family members, making an already difficult situation even more challenging.
### Dealing with Family Pressure
Navigating family pressure and unsolicited advice can be extremely draining, especially when it comes to fertility issues. Here are some tips for managing these situations:
1. **Set Boundaries:** It’s okay to draw the line when conversations become too invasive. Be clear about what topics are off-limits and assert your need for privacy.
2. **Communicate Openly:** Share your feelings with your family, explaining the impact of their words on your emotional well-being. Being honest and vulnerable can help them understand your perspective.
3. **Seek Support:** Connect with supportive family members or friends who can offer guidance and comfort during challenging times. Having a strong support system is crucial.
4. **Educate Your Family:** Fertility issues are often misunderstood. Consider providing your family with educational resources to help them grasp the complexities of your situation.
### Coping with Emotional Strain
The emotional toll of fertility struggles and family conflict can be overwhelming. Here are some coping strategies that may help you navigate these challenges:
1. **Therapy and Counseling:** Consider seeking professional therapy or counseling to process your emotions and find healthy ways to cope with stress.
2. **Self-Care Practices:** Engage in self-care activities that bring you comfort and relaxation, such as meditation, yoga, or spending time in nature.
3. **Support Groups:** Joining a support group for couples facing fertility issues can provide a sense of community and understanding.
4. **Open Communication:** Maintain open communication with your partner, sharing your feelings and concerns with each other. Lean on each other for support.
### Seeking Resolution
Resolving family conflict in the midst of fertility struggles is no easy task, but it’s crucial for your well-being and the strength of your relationship. Here are some steps to consider:
1. **Healthy Dialogue:** Initiate a calm and respectful conversation with your family, addressing the impact of their words and actions on your mental and emotional health.
2. **Seek Mediation:** If necessary, consider involving a neutral mediator, such as a therapist or family counselor, to facilitate constructive conversations and resolve conflicts.
3. **Setting Clear Expectations:** Communicate your expectations for respectful and supportive behavior from your family, emphasizing the importance of empathy and understanding.
4. **Taking Space:** If the situation becomes overwhelming, don’t hesitate to take a step back and create distance from family members who are causing distress.
### Moving Forward
Dealing with fertility issues and family conflict can feel like an uphill battle, but it’s important to remember that you have the strength and resilience to navigate these challenges. It’s okay to prioritize your emotional well-being and make choices that are best for you and your partner.
As you continue on your journey, remember that seeking support, setting boundaries, and prioritizing self-care are essential. You are not alone, and there are resources and communities available to offer guidance and empathy during this difficult time.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and need a safe space to share your experiences, know that you can find understanding and support within online communities like Reddit and other support groups focused on fertility struggles.
Remember, your journey may be challenging, but with the right support and self-care, you can navigate fertility issues and family conflicts with strength and resilience.
Sending love and support your way 💕.
Here’s how you shut them down: “our sex life and reproductive choices are none of your business. Stop” or “that’s not something we discuss outside of our relationship.”
Sure they may have been well meaning but it was your job to shut that shit down.
And seriously, get you and your husband some peace of mind and go see a fertility doc. Your husband is assuming it’s him—and maybe it is. But maybe it’s not. Regardless of the impediment, there are tons of options out there to help. You need facts on the table, not guilt and worry.
Hang in there.
I would congratulate your grandparents on ensuring that when you have a baby, they won’t see it.
Burn it down and tell the flying monkeys that their actions will result in a further bridge burn.
I’m so sorry, life can be super stressful, it took time for us to conceive, people don’t often know how tough it is until they are the ones struggling.
I agree with what has been said. If this ever happens again, make sure to cut them off immediately when the subject is brought up. Don’t let them reply a thing.
Regarding your situation at the present moment, I am very sorry. Old people are less prone to change their minds, so I wouldn’t try talking with them. If your extended family is close and younger, try to talk with them in simple terms that you and your husband are trying. This should be enough to any open-minded person.
Best of luck to both of you.
People really should stop asking people when they are having kids. It’s rude, invasive and frankly, weird. Your parents and grandparents were talking about how you should have unprotected sex and were giving instructions. Ew.
They’re mad that he’s…upset that yall haven’t had a kid yet? After stating over and over and over what a blessing children are, they’re mad that he wants that blessing?? He wasn’t even upset at the cheap shots to his manhood, he was upset that he doesn’t have a kid that they are also upset about. Your grandparents are nutters.
You need to take a break from your family for a while. Specifically your husband deserves one.
You need to tell your family their behavior was completely out of line and they do not get to speak to you or your husband that way. Stand up for him here.
It sometimes does take time. It took my SIL over a year to fall pregnant the first time. Ex neighbours of mine didn’t fall pregnant after 3 years trying, so adopted a baby, then the following year she fell pregnant and they had one of their own!
But your family definitely overstepped. Block all those morons who are still whinging, just stay in contact with those who had the decency to apologise.
Don’t give up. Have you tried an ovulation calculator, or testing?
WTF? Your grandparents are completely out of line! I cannot imagine having that conversation with my family. We are awkward in our own way….no one discussed sex at all! Funny anecdote so my adult daughter bought her girlfriend a T-shirt that said “future MILF” My mother saw the T-shirt and was asking what it meant. My daughter turned bright red and I hid in the kitchen. My 70 year old Mom was getting frustrated and yelling. So she googled MILF and was yelling out definitions. Again now my daughter and I are both hiding in the kitchen mortified. We were begging my Mom to stop, but she kept on until she figured it out. I think I died a little bit from the ordeal.
OP, what I am trying to say families are weird and discussing sex with family is even weirder. Perhaps place your grandparents and extended family on a time out. No contact and if they apologize sincerely place them on an information diet. Wishing you and your husband the best and sending you positive thoughts.
And in the immortal words of my mother….if your grandparents still are being terrible “fuckem if they can’t take a joke”! Again my family is so weird. I hope our awkwardness made you laugh. I think I will go sign up for online therapy now….
Your grandparents let the rest of the family know what happened immediately afterwards? People who weren’t there? Yeah, it’s time for your grandparents to get out of your life for your husband’s sake. I hope you aren’t still at the cabin. Take your husband home.
Your grandparents are assholes. To get “big mad” because they hurt somebody’s feelings deeply, instead of apologizing is absolutely bonkers. Calling your DH “toxic and fragile” is projection at its finest. I’d personally tell the rest of the flying monkeys to fuck off and mind their own business.
If you don’t cut contact with your grandparents over this, it will destroy your relationship with your husband forever. Age/ignorance is no excuse for your grandparent’s behavior, my grandparents are 90 and they would never be so insensitive. Your grandparents are bullies. You must stand up for your husband and take extreme action to defend him, meaning cut them off entirely and make it clear that it’s because of their abusive words.
Also, avoid thinking of your husband as having “snapped” and “trauma dumped.” These are shaming words. He *had* to stand up for himself because you weren’t doing a good enough job of standing up to your own family. They were wrong, he had every right to express his feelings. Clearly, in your family, men are held to a rigid standard of masculinity. Don’t reinforce that by shaming him for expressing his feelings.
Why didn’t you shut your family down sooner? If this is as the other way round everyone here would be rightly trashing your husband for not stepping in. Don’t subject your husband to these disgusting people anymore.
Would your grandparents tell you that you weren’t a real woman if the issues were with you? That you aren’t doing your womanly duties? If not, then why do they think it’s okay to go after your husband? Cause he’s not blood? What would they think if someone said that to you? If they would say that to you, that’s messed up.
Have you considered telling your grandparents about the amount of trouble they have caused with their interference? The fact that they went whingeing to relatives who weren’t even present but think they have the right to start abusing you and your husband absolutely beggars belief. It might not be the right thing to do but I’d be inclined to send them all the same message. Along the lines of “my husband’s and my private live is no concern of yours. If you can’t mind your own business then stay out of our lives” then block the lot of them. Take no more crap from these entitled fools.
It gets so old people stepping into your personal business. Your sexlife and choosing when or not to have children is NOT their f’in business. I went through this and resented it. I will never do this to my now adult children. Tell them to mind their own sex life and stay out of yours. Wish you all the best!
Your immdiate family sound like nice people who can be a bit thoughtless, but your gradparents and extended family sound toxic as fuck. I would strongly consider blocking them and keeping your distance, because them siccing your cousins, aunts, and uncles on you is as bizarre as your extended family bullying you over this.
I **promise** you’re doing the best, right thing by going NC.
Your story… is my brother’s story, all the way down to the ‘chance’ conversation about pregnancy, how to blah blah blah. None of it was *meant* to be hurtful, but somehow… it went over everyone’s head that it was terribly hurtful.
And they Wouldn’t. Shut. Up.
Missed all the hints. Cue the inevitable couldn’t hold it back anymore; followed by the half-assed apologies… then, the word got out and everyone near and far “had to” contribute their two cents’.
Which is all their thoughts were worth IF that *much*.
His/her only protection from the toxicity was to go NC and **I support them 100%.**
If you’re looking for permission to cut off your toxic family members. Here it is.
The only people toxic are your grandparents and the family members being mad at your husband.
Your grandfather said something o hit of pocket and has now run around extended family members to paint your husband as the villain?!
Grandma is backing the big mouth idiot so they’ve essentially cut themselves off.
If the fertility issue turned out to be you and your husband’s friends/relatives said something like this to you – what would you want him to do?
Do that. Have his back, he deserves that at a minimum.
Your husband gave more info than the other players deserved, but that horse is out of the barn.
Moving forward to the haters: “Despite some family thinking they know more than doctors, we don’t need their folksy ‘wisdom’. What we need is for them to acknowledge they pushed (battered really) a sensitive button and rather than accept their role they have doubled down and encouraged others to jump on the dog pile.
To the Dog Pile: if you’re adding to our strife, ask yourself why? You weren’t there. You’re adding pain to my life. You’re on notice. Continue and I can only assume you Want me to be in pain. Unless your next contact is an apology don’t bother to reach out at all.”
You need to tell your grandparents they are out of line and go no contact for a while.
I don’t know what your grandpa is talking about…infertility is literally biblical!
Abraham and Sarah, Zachariah and Elizabeth…without God’s intervention they never would have had babies. And Sarah was in her 80s! Abraham and Sarah probably tried a long time and gave up…
Shut down talks about kids right away. What goes on in your bedroom isn’t anyone’s business. Your reproductive organs and you and your husband’s business only.
Go to couples therapy with someone who specializes in fertility issues. This is really having a negative effect on your husband’s mental heath and emotional wellbeing. He likely has some trauma from his medical issues as well that may be coming back because of the impact it has had on his fertility. I think a professional can help navigate this.
Block your relatives for now. They don’t deserve to be in your life. Let them know that if they come to their senses and improve their behavior, they will be welcome back, but until then, you don’t need that energy in your life.
Probably not a popular take but I think you all are overreacting a bit here. I definitely think taking a break from family is cool, but I also think you guys need to get some counseling and maybe back off the baby making for a bit until you have healthier attitudes about having kids.
As the saying goes, man plans and god laughs. An old colleague of mine struggled to get pregnant. She was very much the “perfect life” sort of person with the Instagram, etc. and she desperately wanted a baby to create that “perfect family”. She finally had her daughter who sadly has a very rare, incurable disease that is painful and frightening. It has completely up ended her life, her career, etc. This barrier you’ve hit is only the first. What happens if your kid has health problems? How will he deal with that emotionally? What if the kid simply doesn’t live up to his expectations? Or becomes someone he doesn’t like?
People tend to look at the idealized image of being parents but I think people with fertility issues can be especially blind to it because they start with the ideal and then get blinded by the obsession of what they can’t seem to get. People destroy their mental healthy, their finances, their relationships sometimes. It would be much healthier if people saw it not as some catastrophic failure but just an opportunity to slow down and think about it all.
I think the best advice for everyone to be happy in life is; learn to imagine your life as a myriad of possibilities instead of just one path. Then when one path closes it’s less devastating and you can deal with the disappointment and just divert to a different path.
Slow down. Take a break from the baby stuff. Get some therapy for both of you and the revisit it with fresher perspectives.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I will never understand why everyone seems to think they need to give unsolicited advice on pregnancy/fertility. I would block everyone that is still talking about it, maybe sending out one blanket statement. “The subject of pregnancy is a sensitive one, and there will be no further discussion on the topic.” And absolutely don’t say anything else, hold fast and cut anyone off instantly who brings it up. Your husband does not owe anyone an apology for being berated until he said what was on his mind. Your family should be ashamed for being bullies.
This is absolutely a group text and cut off situation:
“Our fertility is NOT an appropriate topic of discussion; attacking my husband’s masculinity on top of that is just plain unacceptable. Both is us are already feeling discouraged and everyone’s behavior has made it 100x worse. Until my husband gets a full and heartfelt apology for this incident, we won’t be attending any more get togethers. Being a part of our family, regardless of who is in it now or later, is a privilege.”
Looks like your husband will be no contact with your family now. What a shit show. You never defended him. You failed him and now part of your family is angry at him. What did he do to deserve all this?
I am so sorry.
Only you know the value of your relationship with family. If you think there’s anything worth saving there, try sending a mass email along the lines of “we are not comfortable talking about our sex life with extended family members. Please drop it.” If they keep coming for you and your “toxic” husband after that, go NC.
I was at a funeral with BIL who was a manger at Wendy’s with 4 kids when his SAHM wife started in
Being LDS as she was, I was going to hell blah blah blah
I walked away as our 5th cycle had just failed. Didn’t say a word.
6 years later and lord knows how much money, we got pregnant and the FAMILY was astonished that she was not only not invited to the shower but would never be welcome in my home.
When the family started in, saying how cruel I was, I took a nap.
They changed their tune when she left BIL and destroyed him in the divorce.
And all 4 of the kids are worthless human beings
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, I had Resolve for help but I don’t know if they exist anymore.
You’re more than welcome to dm me to complain anytime, unfortunately you have to be on the road to understand it
Sounds like your grandparents are causing all the family drama by running their mouths to other family members, who frankly should all mind their own business.
I’d ask your mother to talk to her parents and shut that down. And honestly the audacity of other family members getting on your case after hearing one side of the story is ridiculous. Why can’t everyone mind their own business!
Your parents and brother who were there and witnessed the event apologized and tried to make things right. The judgement from the extended family is likely because your grandparents retold the story omitting their AH part and solely focusing on your husbands reaction. My husband and I went through infertility and pregnancy loss, we went through hell to have our children. One saying I loved when I heard it was “mind your own uterus”. If it’s not yours, you are not entitled to know what’s going on with it. Your grandparents were more then just insensitive, they were insulting and intrusive. I understand only too well the pain about wanting to become a parent and it not happening. You owe no one an explanation.
Why on Earth is your husband being called toxic?! Poor fella needs a hug and an apology from everyone not grief. Back your husband all the way