“Have I Gone Too Far by Lying to My Girlfriend About Buying Her a Car? #RelationshipDrama #ShouldIHaveToldHer #AmIWrong
#MeetMckailaAndI #StrugglesAfterCollege
Background Story:
– Met in college and dating for years
– She struggles to find work in her field
– She values independence
– Car was totaled, needed a new one
The Dilemma:
– Offered to buy her a car as a gift
– Couldn’t afford monthly payments, she wanted it to be her responsibility
– Decided to secretly make payments without her knowledge
– She found out and now our relationship is on the rocks
Attempting to Fix Things:
– Paid off the loan
– Tried to contact her, but she won’t respond
– Waiting for her to receive the title in the mail
What Should I Do? #RelationshipAdvice
– Should I have told her the truth from the beginning?
– How can I make things right with her?
– Any advice on how to handle this situation?”
NTA. I think she’s ungrateful. But I have met a few people like her before. They feel VERY uncomfortable getting help from others or feeling like they can’t take care of things themselves. So I can see why she may be a little upset, but sounds like she’s going overboard right now. She can be upset, but needs to look at your intentions. You wanted to help her. She needed help. She got it and was happy. You weren’t trying to purposely lie and hurt her. Cars are necessities in certain areas. She’s being silly IMO
NAH. Maybe there were other options for you, like loaning her the money. You were trying to be helpful, and were very, very kind, but I can understand her being upset about lying to her about it. For some people, that’s a hard line. I’m sorry if this does end the relationship.
Absolutely NTA. She’s got issues mate. Who on earth would throw away such a kind and selfless partner?? In your situation I wouldn’t have paid the car off, I’d have signed the payments over to her so it can be 100% her responsibility like she’s always wanted. What a weirdo. Move on buddy, find you a woman that appreciates you.
How fake is this story?
NTA, she’s overboard with her “independence”.
Info: if it was a gift what is the difference if you were making monthly payments or buying it outright? I might be missing something but if she agreed to accepting it as a gift why did that part matter? Or did she somehow think that she was paying for it?
I don’t understand. She felt too bad to accept you making a monthly payment or even half a monthly payment on her behalf, but she was just fine with you paying it all at once? What’s the difference?
INFO (and maybe not relevant to the AH verdict): why would you not buy it outright if you could? Seems like throwing away money unless you had some ludicrously lowinterest on the loan.
NTA, obviously.
If she dumps you because you were too nice to her and bought her a car, she doesn’t deserve you.
That said, she sounds a bit manipulative (like she knew you would buy her a car and pretended not to like it) unless I”m misreading, so perhaps this is for the best.
YTA, but let me explain.
* Your GF is having a rough go at her career after college
* She’s obviously crazy insecure about her current financial state
* At every opportunity, you jump in to “Fix” her financial problems with a hammer solution (I pay for everything don’t worry sweet little inept woman, I (man) will fix. This is her perspective – I’m assuming)
* This makes her even more insecure, making the actual issue (insecurity, not finances) far worse
You peaked when you lied to her about it. Not sure why you thought that would go over well. You ignored or didn’t see the actual issue she was having severe insecurities.
>I am prepared for this to be the end of our relationship, so I paid off the remainder of the loan yesterday.
I am near certain that this is the end too. Honestly, sounds like it’s for the best. There may have been some communication and self-image issues here as well.
So you lied and want to know if you’re an AH for lying, even as the lie is ending your relationship?
OK, YTA
I would have said ESH because McKaila sounds extremely immature and unable to be a good partner. She needs to learn that partnerships are a give and take, and that it’s ok to rely sometimes on the people you love.
Too bad you chose to lie instead of work on your issues together.
Going against the grain with YTA here. It’s not about the car. It’s about trust, betrayal, communication, honesty, and committment.
Even though you intended to provide for your partner, you went behind her back and devised a plan to secretly make payments all while knowing she didn’t want that. You assumed she wouldn’t find out which is disrespectful to her intelligence. No relationship can be built without trust. This was a huge financial decision to make without consideration of your partner’s feelings. You’ve shown your character to her and now she doesn’t know whether or not you will do this again in the future.
She may also feel insecure about being a burden or not being able to provide as much as you. Going against her wishes translates to, “I know what’s best for you better than you do.” Which comes off as insulting and controlling. She was essentially coerced into agreement under false pretenses. Consent doesn’t just apply to sex. She agreed to something entirely different and you took away her ability to choose.
You’re also young and this is a big commitment. She may doubt that you would be ok with giving her a free car if the relationship ended badly. This whole situation could also make her feel indebted or dependent on you. That’s scary for some women. It’s also not unreasonable for someone who is not as financially secure to feel uncomfortable being given such lavish gift.
She probably only agreed to let you buy it if it was completely paid off because you made it clear it wasn’t a a burden on you. She didn’t want to agree to you making payments so she didn’t feel indebted. She’s not mad about you making payments. She’s mad you lied to her, ignored her preferences, and thought you could get away with it. It’s even worse that you lied for over a year. It’s a huge betrayal and, again, a testament of your character that you never intended to tell her and felt no remorse until you were caught.
INFO: are the payments in her name or yours?
EDIT: YTA. You obligated her to debt. If you decided to stop paying, it’s on her, and the whole issue was that she couldn’t afford it.
YTA
Lying to your partner seldom ends well.
This has to be bogus. You can’t get a loan on a car in her name only without her signing off on it, it has to be in your name. You would have gotten the title with the lien on it long before now, so she would have known. When she took it to get it tagged the first time, or put the insurance on it she would have known. YTA for all the lies in your story.
I think YTA if you committed fraud by signing her name.
YAH you manipulated and lied to her. Nothing about this is healthy and it’s really disturbing.
I voted somewhere else in the comments, but I’ve decided to change it to YTA for leaving out a lot of information. You manipulated her and potentially committed fraud.
YTA
While it was a nice gesture, you say she’s very independent and hates being a “burden”. You’ve overstepped as a partner and taken her choice to remain independent away.
I think you might be doing other things in the relationship she’s now worried about.
Are you letting her choose things or is it you pulling strings and controlling her choices?
Are you holding this over her in your mind during arguments?
She’s probably questioning everything she’s accomplished as is it really her victory?
Paying for a car is one of the first big steps a lot of people make post college. You took that from her.
Yes YTA, she asked you not to do it and you disregarded her feelings and decided you knew better. You don’t have to agree with her. You don’t have to have it make sense but you do need to respect her autonomy as an adult. You chose not to and to lie to her. That’s why she’s mad. You treated her like a child. What other decisions do you make for her and what other boundaries and requests from her do you trample?
YTA for lying to her. To you it seems like a nice gesture and you want im to help however you can which isn’t a bad thing at all! What’s bad is that you lied. She might even feel like you tricked her. Put yourself in her shoes. She desperately needs a car but you know how she feels about being totally independent and gifts. So you say “hey let me buy you this as a gift I can buy it out right” she agrees and all is well. Imagine her shock when she finds out a year later you never bought it out right like you said and that you’ve been making payments this entire time. She most likely feels tricked into this. I don’t think you wanting to buy her the car was a bad thing or even making payments on it for her. It’s just the way you went all about this. Your heart was in the right place OP.
Even if you thought the reason was noble, you did actively lie to her face, knowing full well that it would bother her.
I don’t know why it bothers her this much, it does sound unreasonable but you still knew it did and chose the lie.
This is rough but man, you put both of you here.
Wait wait wait.
Her name is on the LOAN. You tricked her into getting a loan. That is a monetary risk that she did NOT agree to.
You didn’t tell a lie that doesn’t affect her, you committed fraud??? Because if something happened where you two broke up or your financial situation changed or you died then she is screwed.
WTF?
I don’t see what difference the payment part made. It was a gift, I guess she was worried if you split up you’d stop paying?
Oh edited – I didn’t realise the loan was in her name – yeah YTA. That’s fraud, you basically tricked her into a loan she wouldn’t be able to afford if you decided to stop paying. It’s a pretty big lie and I’d be pissed if someone I trusted did that to me.
INFO:
Is there some history that maybe we are missing here? Or that you are missing?
Sorry if that question is a bit vague. I’m just wondering if there is something in her past that is making her feel this way.
I’m thinking of the car my parents gave me as a teenager. I was really excited to have my first car, and I was so grateful for getting a car. BUT…
If I disagreed with my father, he would take away the keys. Because he bought it, and he paid for the gas, so he had the right to do that.
If I *disagreed* with him. Not if I broke the rules (which I didn’t), or if I forgot to change the oil on time (which happened sometimes), or anything like that. But if I *disagreed* with him.
So that’s why I’m wondering if maybe there is some history that could shed light on this situation. Because maybe she’s had someone “loan” her something and then berate her about how she uses the loan, or holds it over her head, or something like that.
Or like the parents who say, “Do you know how much I’ve sacrificed for you?” Or something similar.
I don’t think she’s TA, or that you’re TA, because I think there is some missing context here.
YTA. You kind of manipulated her. Even if it was for her benefit (?) you lied to her as if you know what’s best for her. She’s not your child.
It’s not a gift if you committed a crime and your girlfriend might end up in financial trouble because of you. If my partner did that to me, I would call the cops.
YTA.
You lied to her and opened up debt under her name that she explicitly told you she did not want. Of course you’re TA. Apologize but don’t be surprised if she breaks up with you over this.
YTA. You disregarded her feelings on the matter and lied to her.
YTA. Not for helping her, and it seems your heart was absolutely in the right place, but your lie now has your GF wondering what else you’ve lied about and If she can actually trust you with more important things. You messed up. Own it, apologize, and don’t do it again.
>And if I ever needed to, I could pay it off immediately.
If this is true why did you even bother lying? You almost certainly paid more in the long run
YTA lying to her about doing something you know she wouldn’t have agreed to is not ok.
YTA.
I was going to vote otherwise, until I read your comments and learned that the monthly payments were in her name and not yours. She would’ve been *screwed* if something bad had happened before she found out. That’s something that wasn’t made clear in the post and makes a big ass difference.
Yta. You lied to her, it that simple. Whether it’s rational to you or not you knew this was a problem for her so you intentionally hid it from her. It not like you thought this was such a minor detail that you didn’t bother sharing it and turned out to be wrong you knew this would be a big deal.
Secondly how does one gift something like a car on finance? I would assume this car would have to still be in your name so it wasn’t really hers was it? Which you knew also would be a deal with her.
Now I’m not saying I agree with her logic of being independent but willing ti take such large gifts from you but this isn’t about that. This is about you intentionally lying to your partner about something then going out of your way of hiding it. You’ve broken her trust because ???
Ok listen – all things aside, in the end you lied to her. That’s the long & short of it. I wouldn’t trust you after that either. And a car is a HUGE lie. YTA.
Why did you lie if you could’ve afforded to pay it off outright and kept your word YTA for needlessly lying and breaking trust in your relationship
YTA. I empathize with your position, it can be very frustrating to want to help someone and they keep refusing it. But now you’ve destroyed her trust.
Gentle YTA. You signed her up for debt that she didn’t know she had. You also lied and went against a very clear agreement that she insisted on. Consent applies to more than just sex. Apologizing and paying off the rest of the loan is absolutely the right call, and I hope your relationship can pull through.
I’m sure this was the furthest thing from your mind at the time, but you also gave yourself leverage over her that you could have abused. If you stop making payments all of the consequences of that fall on her.
I’m the finance person in my relationship so I relate to your perspective though. You could have told her “if we do the payment plan then it will be as if the car was $XYZ cheaper by the time it’s paid off. Can we please do the payment plan? If you’d like I can deposit all the money in an account for you to make the payments from, and when you’re done paying off the loan you can keep the extra interest. Or if you insist on paying cash, will you cover the $XYZ that we’ll miss out on?” How do you think she would have responded? What option would she have picked?