“Should I have gotten my daughter birthday gifts after she changed her mind?”
My daughter turned 13 yesterday and she kept changing her mind about her birthday present. I asked her in advance what she wanted, but she changed her request several times. I finally settled on tickets to a show, which she initially agreed to but then decided she wanted clothes instead. I stuck to my original gift plan, and she ended up with no presents on her birthday. Her grandparents think I’m awful for not getting her gifts. Am I in the wrong?
#Parenting #BirthdayGifts #ParentingDilemma #GiftsforKids #TeenagersBehavior #BirthdayPresentEtiquette.
You are NTA. You are raising a human that knows that actions have consequences, GOOD FOR YOU, truly.
Grandparents are going to say “boohoo” because that is their job, but your job is to raise a good human and it sounds like you are on your way.
NTA
And I feel like anyone who says you were are the ones who insist on participation trophies.
While gifts are nice on your birthday. They aren’t a requirement. They aren’t a necessity.
Personally I think that at 13; teaching this type of lesson is valuable. She’s not too young to not fully grasp what it means to be a brat, and she’s not too old that she can’t learn from it.
But to truly learn from it you need to get the other family members to realize that while they may not agree with this lesson; as her parent; they shouldn’t be siding with her publicly. It only gives her ammo to continue with the bad behavior.
Did you still get her a card and a cake? I mean you made a bargain, she learned her lesson about the present.
But other celebrations not as dependent on money don’t get canceled do they??
I’m trying to figure out if on her actual birthday you a) took away the already spent gift money or b) took away love
NTA. She’s being a spoiled brat. You *did* get her something, something she said she wanted, and she decided she wanted something else after it was too late to change.
Oh, and congratulations on being the meanest mother in the world! It’s an accolade most parents of teens earn.
Edited to give verdict after learning OP sold the tickets: ESH.
Your daughter was unquestionably rude.
Having sold the tickets, you should have gotten her something of lesser value to celebrate her birthday while still acknowledging that she behaved badly and wasn’t getting what she would have otherwise.
I N F O: did she end up going to the concert? Did you? Or did you give away or sell the tickets?
Congratulations on unlocking your “Worst Mom EVER!” Badge!
I am curious, though. What made her suddenly not want to go to the show? What made new clothes suddenly what she had to have? I guess I’m wondering if it’s part of something else she’s going through. You mentioned there was trouble in school. Maybe she’s struggling socially or being bullied? Or maybe she was having anxiety about going to the show once it became more a reality, but didn’t know how to say it or handle it?
I dunno, I don’t have kids. It just seems like something deeper could be going on that she needs support with, but she doesn’t know how to handle it and clothes seem like the solution in her mind.
INFO : is it possible she’s being teased at school? Getting into trouble there, being in a bad mood, and suddenly wanting new clothes…
ESH. Your kid was undoubtedly being a brat and needed to learn to be more appreciative, but you acted just as childish as she did, sold her tickets and ended up getting her literally nothing. Seems like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
You said in another comment that you sold the tickets and still got her nothing. That’s not teaching or parenting that’s just cruel… Especially when her alternative wish was some clothes. Maybe not getting her all the pieces she wanted or just one outfit. But nothing? Truly nothing? I guess it’s a E S H because the kid did act up but then again, it sounds like something else is going on at school with a drastic change of mind like “no fancy trip and show please I needed new clothes”. Honestly – did you feel good about your 13 year old daughter waking up to no presents from her parent? Did it give you the satisfaction of “I showed her how the real world works” you were hoping for?
I noticed that my kids change their minds on big things after they talk to friends. Your daughter could be happy with the show, but maybe she shared with a friend and they said “ewww… why would you see that? I’d want clothes if I was you!”
YTA I just can’t imagine where she got her stubbornness from. She told you weeks in advance she’d changed her mind, and you were able to change the tickets. Instead of saying you want to talk about it when you’re both calm, you flippantly said you’d take someone else, and just.. expected her to crawl back to you and apologize? You had the chance to model mature communication here, and you failed. She was literally still 12.
(Accidentally originally posted as a reply to someone else so reposting here)
OP, she wanted to go to a show, changes her mind out of nowher, and gets in trouble at school. Sounds like something might be going on, maybe she is being bullied or depressed. I’d checkup on her.
ESH because you said in the comments you sold the tickets. You are the adult and the parent here, you should have been the bigger person and gone back and spoke to her again after you both cooled down.
Instead you said you’d take someone else, sold the tickets, and got her nothing for her birthday. Just doesn’t seem like the best way to handle it. She was immature and wrong, but that doesn’t mean you should stoop to her level.
Sorry but YTA.
YTA
You said “I told her I already booked everything so there’s absolutely no way” like this was about the cost, and then sold the tickets and did nothing for her??
It was her birthday and instead of making her feel special and loved you decided to teach her a lesson. What lesson? That you can’t change your mind without consequences?
I wonder if this has nothing to do with birthday gifts and everything to do with her clothes…
Did she get made fun of for her clothes? Is there some new fashion trend that she feels she must participate in to be a “cool kid”? Is she outgrowing things and uncomfortable? Is she suddenly self conscious about a body part that she wants a different style of clothing to hide? Did her period start and ruin pants?
13 is *such* a **HARD** age, so anytime my 13 year old seems upset beyond proportion, I try to figure out why. So far there has always been some sort of underlying reason why she’s overreacting.
Good luck
Just to check… was the reason she suddenly wanted new clothes because kids at school were making fun of what she has?
YTA for selling the tickets and still not doing anything for your 12-13 year old CHILD.
YTA. You didn’t have to get her everything or change gifts, but there’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t get her flowers or a small piece of jewelers (costume) and a card that reads we may fight but I love you always and want you to have a wonderful 13th birthday.
You know better. She’ll remember this the rest of her life. And have fun for the next few years, and again when you’re elderly and need help.
Personally I think YTA. You gave her space to apologize but didn’t tell her your expectations. 13 year olds are so far up their own ass it’s hard to see the world around them. She can’t read your mind. You 100% set her up for failure. This is where you do the hard work called parenting. You should have sat her down and laid out your reasons for being disappointed. Give her a chance to think about her actions and how they impact those around them. And say that you want her to apologize before you even consider taking her to the show. All you did was make yourself the villain. You didn’t teach her shit.
YTA. Birthdays are not the time for life lessons unless you were teaching her that you care more about punishment than her birthday? I have a 13 year old. There are reasons behind behaviours. Seems like you went straight to discipline. She will never forget what you have done.
YTA, after learning you sold her tickets and got her nothing else. Original comment below:
INFO: Did you tell her you were going to the concert without her and give her a second chance to come with you or bring a friend? What happened to the tickets? Did you get her a card and a cake?
If you just refused to give her the tickets and did nothing else for her B-day then yes, YTA.
YTA. I feel so bad for your daughter. Did you even ask her why she didn’t want to go? Have you considered she might have been afraid? You wanted to teach her a lesson? What lesson? If you change your mind (as adults do but especially minors) then mom just says fuck your birthday. You had the means, instead you chose to punish her unduly anyway, and on and about her birthday. YTA.
100% YTA.
You sold the tickets … you claimed to your daughter the reason for no other gift was that you already spent a bunch of money on the tickets and the travel, but that ended up being untrue because you got your money back. What was the lesson? That her mom is petty?
You could have told her you would try to sell the tickets and when you were able to, you could have had a conversation with her about her behavior and being grateful for the gift she asked for and the trouble you went through to sell the tickets etc.
Did you do anything for her birthday? The way your OP is worded makes you sound like a very harsh and unforgiving parent.
YTA, if you sold the tickets why does it matter ? You were just being petty. I’m all for consequences but that doesn’t even make sense.
The responses to this are wild because you can absolutely tell which people have trauma from their childhood because we are all like “she is never going to forget this in the bad way” and everyone else is like “good job! Accountability!” and we are like “no really this broke something deep down that she will spend years in therapy trying to figure out”
YTA
You sold the tickets, no party and no cake? What exactly are you trying to teach her? “Fuck you for changing your mind”?