AITA #ExpensivePhone #FrugalLiving #MaritalDisputes #RelationshipAdvice
Understanding the Situation
You (33M) and your wife (33F) have been together for 15 years, married for 9, and have two beautiful daughters. Both of you come from humble beginnings, and frugality has been a significant part of your journey together.
Despite your now stable financial situation, your wife’s cautiousness about spending remains firm, largely because of past experiences and a fear that prosperity might be temporary.
Financial Growth and Adaptation
Your salary doubled last year, presenting a new financial reality that your family isn’t accustomed to. You’re eager to elevate your standard of living by investing in better-quality items, but your wife remains hesitant, preferring to continue saving and living frugally.
The Phone Dilemma 📱
Your wife struggles with her cheap, buggy phone, which frustrates her and hampers her photography—something she loves, especially when it comes to capturing moments of your daughters. Seeing an opportunity to provide her with a solution, you decided to buy her a high-end phone that checks all the boxes of what she needs.
However, she had already expressed opposition to such an expensive purchase, worrying that it would alter her perception of being frugal and might appear extravagant. Despite the good intentions, you went ahead and bought it, resulting in her not speaking to you.
Evaluating the Decision
Was the decision to buy the phone without her consent ill-advised? Here are some points to consider:
- Understanding Priorities: Your wife’s priority is to ensure financial stability and avoid unnecessary spending. Her reluctance stems from a deep-rooted fear of financial instability.
- Intentions vs. Impact: While your intention was to provide comfort and alleviate frustration, the impact was quite the opposite. She feels unheard and disregarded, which has caused a rift.
- Communication Breakdown: This scenario highlights a crucial need for open, empathetic communication. Decisions impacting shared resources should involve mutual agreement.
Steps to Resolution
The way forward involves understanding, communication, and compromise:
- Acknowledge Her Feelings: Validate her concerns about financial security rather than dismissing them. Express sincere regret for causing distress.
- Discuss Financial Goals: Revisit your financial goals together. Highlight the balance between saving for the future and enjoying the present.
- Find Common Ground: Explore alternatives. Maybe a less expensive but more reliable phone could be a compromise that aligns with both of your values.
Engaging Your Audience
🔹 Have you ever been in a similar situation? 🗣️ Share your experiences and solutions in the comments!
🔹 How do you balance financial security with the desire to improve your quality of life? 💭 Let’s discuss!
Final Thought
In relationships, respecting each other’s values and preferences is crucial, especially when it comes to financial decisions. By fostering open dialogue and finding a middle ground, you can navigate through such dilemmas and ensure mutual satisfaction and harmony.
NAH
I say this because I think you did a nice thing by getting her a good phone that will actually work and take good quality photos of your family that you know she will enjoy much more. Sounds like money is no longer as big of an issue and you wanted to do something nice for her that she wouldn’t do for herself.
But she’s also not an “asshole” either and this will be something it sounds like she needs time to adjust and come around to. When someone spends their whole life with little money and always worried about it, it’s hard to think you’re “allowed” to have nice things or that you deserve it. Hopefully she’ll realize she does deserve it, you can afford it, and that it will be something she’s glad she has soon enough.
NAH. It sounds like her struggle is twofold. Did she grow up in a household that struggled financially? Sometimes there’s a stigma that “if you have nice things” you’re bragging or maybe you think you’re better than people who don’t – but that’s simply not the case. Ego comes at all pay rates and it seems clear you’re not worried about appearances, you’re worried about function. The other thing that comes from growing up with less, is a constant fear that somehow everything you have will disappear and you’ll have no way to support your family. Have you guys ever gone to counseling? That’s something I had to work through with my therapist. A fear that for whatever reason, we wouldn’t be able to afford food one day. We do just fine, better than I ever thought was possible but there was this looming fear that one day the sky would fall and we’d all be hungry.
Soft YTA. I understand that you wanted to get your wife a nice new phone and you are now making enough money that it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you but you are missing the point. Its a big deal to her, coming from money insecurity she’s right to be cautious because it absolutely can go away at any moment. Money “piling up” is not pointless. That’s called a savings, retirement fund, or emergency fund, something your wife obviously cares about having a lot more then you do. You cannot force her to spend money or be comfortable with expensive things, not everyone likes the liability of having expensive things, it could be very stressful for her to worry about something happening to it. You should have talked to her about phone options and found something she was comfortable with, there are plenty of affordable options for phones that you could have gotten for her without reaching for the most expensive one you knew she didn’t want. Maybe you and her should have more of a sit down talk about your finances instead of you trying to force your new wealth down her throat
YTA – You bought something you knew she didn’t want. You could have gone for a mid level phone instead that isn’t expensive but still better than the old phone. There is little need for the expensive phones for anyone, let alone for someone that still has to spend 1/3rd of his salary on it. Normalizing such purchases could be the beginning of lifestyle creep.
But since it’s bought now, she should get over it and use it. Selling it would be an even worse financial decision.
NAH
In today’s world, a capable phone is one of the most important things you can own. It’s not out of your budget and it’s something that will significantly improve her life. Improved photos of your children will be something you can cherish for the rest of your life.
She’s not an AH for not seeing it as a necessity and wanting to leave more frugally, but she needs to realize that this is not a bad thing. You’ll have to keep trying to ease her into the idea. Prove it to her. Show her how much nicer the photos are. Make sure you have a good protective case for it so she isn’t afraid of breaking it. I think she’ll come around in time.
If I assume US, then going with US prices for phones, 1/3 of your monthly salary would put you at just under $40k/yr.. or less.
And I gather there are other phones out there that could do what she wants for half the price you just paid.
For not having any money sense, and getting your wife something SHE SPECIFICALLY SAID SHE DIDN’T WANT, YTA.
She’s ignoring you because you ignored her first.
1. Get better at communicating.
2. Just because your salary doubled doesn’t mean you’ll keep it. Keep living like you have been and put the extra away for reserves, pay of debt, build retirement.
Edit: To add to the calculations as many people post their GROSS income, you’re actual living income would be much less than that $40k and realistically living on a NET income of around $26k/yr for monthly expenses (after taxes & insurance).
Yeah I’m leaning slight YTA. Nice gesture but she was clear she didn’t want it and why. There are a RANGE of phones that offer all the functionality she needs and also solve the broken phone issue at a variety of price points. Rather than talk though and either accept her feelings or come to a compromise, you bulldozed over her agency in the decision and thrust an expensive phone on her.
Yta does technology interest you? Did you get joy from researching and purchasing a tech item?
Is it possible that line many partners, you’re happy to spend time and money on things that interest YOU. While what your partner wants is ignored.
Also, if your wife has a feeling of SAFETY when you have savings, and she has a feeling of being in jeopardy when you spend money, then you’ve just gifted her anxiety! And all because the item is something YOU value. It wasn’t for her benefit at all.
YTA selfish.
“Money just piles up pointlessly” 🙄
Your wife is right — it can all disappear. And it isn’t piling up pointlessly, it’s called savings, and you will need it for retirement, rainy day, college funds, unexpected medical expenses, etc. You did something your wife was adamantly against and called it a “present” for her.
YTA.
YTA u knew she didn’t want it but u got it anyway cause u wanted to feel good about urself ooohhh look at this nice thing iv done ..only its not a nice thing when she doesn’t want it
YTA
You went behind your wife’s back and got her something because you assumed you knew better.
If she wanted to be frugal about it, that’s her choice. There are plenty of really good phones that will probably suit her needs that aren’t high end, high cost ones. It was her choice to make and you decided to make it for her.
Soft YTA, if she says she doesn’t want it, don’t get it. If the phone was a third of your salary, your salary is either still not that great and coninuimg to be at least somewhat frugal is reasonable. Or the phone was needlessly expensive. There are decent phones out there that take good pictures but don’t cost an arm and a leg.
YTA
She was very clear that she didn’t want it. You may have been able to find a used phone of improved quality that would have fit her needs.
N T A for wanting to get her a new phone. YTA for getting one you knew she would now want. You should have asked her what phone she wanted, or the price limit she would be happy with. You can look into getting a refurbished phone (used but repaired to be fully functional) that is a year or two old that will cost less.
I can’t answer this without knowing what kind of phone it is. When you say “expensive phone” I’m thinking like a $1200 iPhone. To me that would be an unnecessary thing to get someone that they don’t want when you could get another phone that offers the same feature for way less.
If you say the phone was 1/3 of your salary, that tells me you really aren’t making that much money like you are making out to be.
YTA – she needed a new phone, but she’d already told you that she didn’t want an expensive one. Whatever her reasons, why would you try to force that on her anyway? Would it not have been better to go with the least expensive phone that would meet her needs if it were a phone that she would actually use?
You’ve told her that you don’t respect her point of view and that you don’t care at all about what she wants. Of course she’s pissed.
If you care about her, apologize and ask her what model she would rather have – you feel that the old phone is becoming a safety risk because it’s so buggy, and would feel much better if she would compromise with you and get a more reliable one.
YTA you knew she didn’t want this and now you’re upset that she’s upset about it. There are plenty of phones that aren’t buggy and have good cameras and can be had for like 200$ if you buy them used or refurbished on ebay. Not everyone feels a need to have the newest fancy thing (especially since usually the newest thing has only a tiny bit of improvement over the last thing these days anyway) It sounds like your wife would have much preferred if you’d gone that route. I too would be very unhappy with my husband if he spent 1/3 of his monthly salary on a phone when cheaper, just as good options were available.
YTA. She said repeatedly she didn’t want it but you decided you knew better than her what she needs and bought it anyway. This would be an AH move even if it wasn’t a giant financial decision that you made solely on your own. Again, one that she had previously said she was opposed to. There are plenty of low cost phones that have great cameras and features. You messed up here.
>We rarely ever fight, but this time she’s very stubborn and ignores me altogether.
Like you were stubborn and ignored her about what phone she wanted?
Getting a gift for someone is supposed to be about what they want. Buying something that someone doesn’t want, and is going to cause them stress is an asshole move.
She liked it except for the price means she didn’t like it. You could have found one she likes that was affordable, but you didn’t.
Plus to me a third of your monthly salary for a phone is insane.
And I think your wife is right. Lifestyle inflation is a real issue when someone starts earning more money, and unless you now have a fully funded emergency fund and have caught up on retirement saving chosing a fancier lifestyle is a bad idea.
You both really need a budget and to be planning together that to do with your money.
Yeaaaa YTA.
She told you her feelings about expensive items. If you wanted to buy her a phone you should’ve sat down with her and browsed together and found a comparable phone (or even a basic upgrade) that was in a more comfortable price range for her.
Not buy a overpriced phone you KNEW she’d hate to have sue to price then wonder if you were an asshole for trying it. Theirs plenty of great cheaper phones that take great photos. Y’all should’ve done this together.
If you are an adult with a family and a phone costs 1/3 of your monthly salary, you can’t afford it, full stop. YTA. Phones are a necessity, but not $1000 phones. An inexpensive camera would have been a better investment.
Is there a soft way of saying YTA?
A gift is something that the person will feel good about. You knew this would not make her feel good. You wanted to get her the phone as a validation of your progress – not an evil motive – but it was not a gift. You wanted her to have the phone, even though you knew it would be painful to her. Does that sound kind?
I grew up planning how to get enough to eat and how to get clothes. My husband and I built a very successful business and the bank balance showed it. But, the desire to conserve did not leave me. I was NEVER going to have my kids go without food or electricity.
Your wife is afraid, why not help her feel safe with a savings account rather than under threat because you are spending money on toys that she sees as a threat to her security?
I think YTA a little bit. She said she didn’t want it and you bought it for her anyway and then expect her to be happy and grateful. She said she didn’t want it and she doesn’t want it. Rather than trying to push her into having more expensive things (and I’m sure you did it out of slightly misplaced kindness), you should really respect her opinion on this.
Your money isn’t piling up. You’re saving it.
You may still need to live frugally and be responsible with your money.
YTA for not realizing this.
YTA for not respecting your wife’s feelings about money insecurity. And for buying a very expensive item that you didn’t discuss and agree upon first.
Yta if you don’t return the phone and let her pick one she wants. Take her shopping and get her last years model, or a different good phone. There are iPhones, pixels, and the Samsung S line, and many more. Let her pick the line and model she wants but encourage her to not get a low end phone.
I’m sure there’s a compromise. I recently got the pixel 6 which is a nice update from my s9 and it was on sale for $400.
Also, cell phones are always on sale!! Maybe wait for a special sale. Maybe if she goes to the store and says she’s within a budget they will get her a deal – they often work in commission.
YTA. You and your wife need to get on the same page financially. Which means BOTH of you may need to compromise some. But unilaterally making decisions like buying a new expensive cell phone that you know she’s not going to like makes you the AH.
Also for this comment:
>She constantly worries that it can all disappear, so she tries not to spend too much and as a result money just piles up pointlessly.
There is no such thing as money piling up pointlessly unless you are very wealthy. It doesn’t sound like you and your wife are if it costs you a third of your monthly salary to buy her a phone she didn’t want. You need to talk to her and work together on a financial plan and budget that takes into account all your money, expenses, plans, etc. including emergency fund, paying off any debts, retirement savings, savings for the kid/house/ etc. Maybe she is doing this already, maybe not but it should be something you both work on and agree to so you both see the income and outgo of all money and know how much you might have to spend on a new phone for her and can find something that is in the budget and she’ll be happy with too. Just because you got your salary doubled doesn’t mean you can go out there and spend money on things frivolously, even on presents. “Gifts” should be a part of the budget and something you can encourage her to let you have a little bit more if you wish and spend it how you wish – except if you buy something for her, you truly need to listen to her and what she needs/wants especially if its somewhat pricey.
I have read a few comments and it seems to me y’all are missing the entire point.
YOU are the asshole for not listening to her.
It is not about the phone it is never about the phone.
You made this about you being a good guy I spent so much a I did such a good thing but the fact is you exactly what she asked you not to.
I bet you do that a lot.
YTA
You seem surprised she is ignoring you, but you ignored her.
>We have a shared budget.
YTA
YOU did not buy her a phone, she paid for it too, and after she said she did not want to.