#familydrama #cabinownership #blamegame #familyconflict
Hey there, folks! Today, we’re going to dive deep into a juicy family drama that involves a cabin, ownership disputes, and blame games. 🏡💥
## The Dilemma: Who Owns the Cabin?
### The Backstory
My dad bought a cabin before he married my mom. It became a cherished family spot for us, but when my dad passed away, the ownership fell to me. Yet, my mom helps look after it until I come of age to fully take control. Mom got remarried and has two kids with her new husband.
### The Conflict Arises
Mom asked if she could keep the cabin as a family vacation spot for her new family. I refused and asserted that it belonged solely to me. Mom respected my decision until she let her SIL and family stay there when they lost their house.
## Taking Ownership
### Standing Your Ground
Mom is now blaming me for the situation, saying I made everyone uncomfortable by asserting my ownership. But it’s essential to recognize that it’s my cabin, and I have the final say on who uses it.
### Setting Boundaries
It’s crucial to communicate clearly with your family members about the cabin’s ownership and ensure they understand your stance. Don’t let guilt or blame sway your decision regarding the cabin’s usage.
### Prioritizing Your Needs
While it’s challenging to navigate family dynamics, it’s essential to prioritize your feelings and needs regarding the cabin. Don’t feel pressured to change your mind unless you genuinely want to do so.
## Final Thoughts
Owning a family cabin can lead to complex emotions and conflicts, but it’s essential to stand firm in your decisions while maintaining open communication with your loved ones. Don’t let guilt or blame dictate your choices—take ownership of the situation and prioritize your feelings. 🔒💖
So, what do you think? Am I in the wrong here, or am I justified in asserting my ownership? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!
Has your mom been paying any taxes and/or upkeep fees on the cabin?
NTA- your mum only respected and asked for your input when she thought you’d agree with her. When you didn’t she just decided to ignore it and then guilt you when she made problems for herself.
Currently nothing is stopping them from going to the cabin except your mom. NTA
NTA-It is your cabin and your mom overstepped in allowing the sil to stay there without your permission.
NTA – There are some people in the comments who can’t read so filter them out. Your Mom is causing the issue you told them you can’t stop them using it until you turn 18 and take control she is choosing to cause an issue with a BS story about only being able to go until you turn 18 and this being some problem. This reeks of them trying to manipulate you into giving them access. Hold firm.
Edit: As OP did not give them permission I updated it to say that they said he can’t stop them using it until he turns 18.
NTA. Honestly adults should not be dumping this on a 16 year old.
If this is in the U.S. and it a state with property taxes I truly hope you can afford them as soon as you turn 18. I doubt mom and stepdad will be willing to pay them. I’m surprised stepdad is okay with family funds going towards it now.
NTA. Everyone’s always full of advice about what people should do with property that’s not theirs. Give these people an inch and I guarantee you’ll end up with unwanted tenants you can’t get rid of
NTA. Your mom put herself in this position.
I am curious exactly what your half sister was told about the cabin and who told her though. I know 6 year olds can hyper-fixate on the most random stuff but this seems like someone (step dad, maybe?) used this opportunity to try to force your hand.
NTA, if you can get a hold of the information of which lawyer set up the Will and everything you are old enough to call and get your information about it from them. It may very well be that they can’t legally be there now since it was left to you, instead of your Mom in which case they’re all likely going to be up a certain river without a paddle.
NTA
Nta. If your dad was alive they wouldn’t get to use it. They are abusing the privilege.
NTA. She made her own problems, no one to blame but herself.
NTA – But you’d better be prepared to chsnge the locks, and be able to pay the property taxes once it’s legally yours. You might be better off to sell it, or just Air BnB it for the first 4 or 5 years till you can get yourself established. But don’t think mom and SD are going to help you with it.
Nta
They need to realize where and whom this cabin came from. The way you phrased them as her family says everything. It’s gotta be hard not being able to fully trust your mom and her intentions.
Curious, who is paying taxes and upkeep for this cabin? Did the in-laws pay to use the cabin while they were there?
NTA
NTA
You rmother needs to rein in her new husband. She needs to put him in his place.
That is, if she wanted to.
Clearly she does not, and she is telling you what kind of person she really is.
NTA, please take my upvote
This is wildly inappropriate for her to do to you. That is something your dad worked and paid for himself, for something to allows family to enjoy—but also to leave to his child, and that’s incredibly personal. That’s what you have instead of having him. That sounds crass and harsh, and I hope it isn’t hurtful. But the adults in your life owe it to you to recognize the significance to you.
She asked you, a vulnerable kid, not only to agree to an arrangement like this, but with the intention for that arrangement to ensure you would be backed into it as an OBLIGATION to these people down the road? To hurry and take you as emotional hostage while you’re young, impressionable and easily guilted—so that your 18+ year old self would be trapped safely in the commitment, unable to be comfortable with receiving your own property from your own father?
Your stepdad is looking to take your dad’s gift for himself, and lock it into HIS interests, and he is terrified of the say you’ll actually get it in your head that YOU have any ownership of your property.
He is violating so many things. Standing in your dad’s symbolic legacy, like physically standing inside it, and doing this to you through your mom.
I am a widow myself, and have been in the unfair position of guilt and the appearance of selfishness when it came time to form a new relationship … not wanting to disrespect my partners memory, but not wanting to make the new partner feel unwelcome or like a trespasser, but just wanting a family. That required me to incorporate a new partner into my life – but a lot of that life had been built with the one who died. The new partner can’t be expected to wait in the car while you all enjoy a weekend in this cabin. Cabins are meant to gather WITH family and connect! So your mom is just doing her best. And I’m sure your stepdad is too.
But they crossed the line when they imposed this kind of decision-making burden on you. ESPECIALLY given your age. There’s a reason you have to wait to turn 18 for ownership: because a teenager isn’t equipped to make big irreversible decisions with significant assets. Your age and sense of subordination is what these two are actively exploiting before you can make choices later. You’re dependent on them as your guardians for another two years under their roof…so if you said no to this, maybe you’d feel unworthy and undeserving of them providing for you while seeming bratty and mean to others who “need” your cabin, “for no reason!”
It would be for a very good reason though, considering that they’re doing this to set you up as the bad guy later, for letting people get used to occupying the property and then “throwing his poor relatives out out with nowhere to go! When you don’t even use it that often!”
You had to have your dad die as a freaking 1st grader, and live the last decade without him, In order for you to own this place. This DID come at a price to you. The biggest price. You paid dearly. That’s not for your stepdad to give away for charity.
If you have another trusted adult—therapist ideally—to talk to about this, it may be important to do so. This manipulation is a form of coercive control. Look that up. What they’re doing is not ok.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and forced to see ugly sides of people you also love and trust. It’s not fair, it’s cruel. Hopefully you’ll have a good update to post here later. Hugs to you.
INFO: How are the taxes, utilities, maintenence, and repairs currently being paid for the cabin?
Cottage maintenance and taxes are not cheap. You better have some income to afford all of that when you turn 18 and if your mom’s been paying for that all this time, you really freaking owe her.
NTA Change the locks and get cameras on your 18th.
NTA – though there are several things I hope you’re taking into account, namely taxes and maintenance once you turn 18 and take possession. It’s clear that your mom and stepdad won’t be chipping in, so that will probably fall on you. Being 18 and having to keep up a cabin financially is a lot.
The other thing is – this issue has created quite a divide. What if they asked you to leave at 18, would you be ok?
It’s your cabin and you’re free to use is as you like, however, I’m hoping that you’ve got some contingency and consequence plans in place.
NTA – “That’s not the correct way to behave.”
Translation: “That’s not what I want you to do , so it’s wrong.”
Honey, you’re in the right here. I do advise you not to sign anything your mum & and stepfather present to you without reading it thoroughly and demanding a lawyer look at it first. I’d also request (politely but firmly) that your mum provide you with receipts and records of what she is doing to maintain the property for you. If she wants to make improvements or “upgrades” discuss how they are being paid and by whom and have it in writing. This is to prevent being ambushed with a demand for money after you turn 18 and assert your ownership. Get your important papers in order and have a plan in case they go off the deep end about this (which I sincerely hope they don’t, but better safe than sorry).
NTA.
Your mother should have consulted you before offering YOUR cabin to her ILs. It’s her fault your half sister got to know about the existence of the cabin, so it’s up to her to manage her daughter now.
Her husband is simply entitled.
NTA.
Firstly, find out _details_. What you can do, what you can’t. Who pays for what. Who is responsible for what.
Tell your mother that due to the issues the cabin has caused, and in order to remove the problem, you’re going to instruct an agent to put it in the market as soon as you’ve taken full control and take the proceeds to help you buy your own place once you move out.
Taxes are more important than your mothers wishes at this time.
You need to check for taxes. Possibly by time your 18 the cabin won’t be there or yours due to unpaid back taxes.
The funny thing is, if it was ok with you, why couldn’t they stay at the cabin all these years, even if was yours? Doesn’t mean it had to become a family asset. All your mum needed to do was constantly remind everyone that this cabin was left tonyou by your father, and I think everyone would accept that.
Its your mum that has complicated everything because she wants the cabin for herself and resents you having it. You keep fighting for what is yours because any chance she has she will try get it off you.
Hmmm, this is sort of a tough one, especially since it did involve family in need.
I can see why you’d want to preserve memories and not let others use the cabin. It’s not exactly uncommon that family and/or friends could take advantage. Might be an unlikely scenario, but the last thing you’d probably want is someone living there full time and having to kick them out after a year or whatever. You do have the right to do what you want with your property. And I think you are right, if you allow it now, then your family might feel entitled to use the cabin in the future.
NTA – but I think you could bend a little. Make it clear that any and all guests have to be approved by you. No changes or decisions can be made without your approval. Set some ground rules about guest responsibilities of cleaning and such. Of course, your Mom shouldn’t be allowing people to stay there without your input.
Also, it seems like they’re trying to put some pressure on you to let other use it via your half siblings. What 6 year old is concerned about a cabin unless it is a topic that is brought up? Kinda seems like they might be prompted.
You are going to lose that cabin within a year of turning 18. Since you made it clear it will be just yours, your mom will be justified in letting you take offer maintaining it all by yourself. And that means paying taxes on it, as well paying any utilities.
At 18, i doubt you will be able to afford it. So when it is siezed for not paying taxes and you loose it for good, remember, it was your choice to keep it to yourself.
yta
Info: can you actually afford upkeep, utilities and taxes on the place after you turn 18?
NTA. She asked, you said no and that should have been the end of it.
Since it’s yours I would have called the police for trespassers.
NTA
Please try to get your mother to share details about your father’s will and how she’s managing your cabin. If you have a paternal relative that you’re both comfortable with, you may suggest getting them involved in a conversation.
Your mother allowing her SIL and family to live in your cabin without payment isn’t in your best financial interests. Assuming that your father’s estate covers utilities and maintenance, then their living there is coming out of your inheritance. When you allow people to move into your home, you also give them some rights – even if they aren’t paying rent or contributing financially. What this entails varies depending on where you live. But it may be necessary to legally evict these relatives should they not willingly vacate before you’re 18.
Rather than allowing your property to be used in this way, your mother might have better served you by renting it out. Depending upon the terms of your inheritance, that could have meant you’d inherit more money.
So, in addition to asking to see the will, here’s some questions you may consider asking your mom:
– Where is the money for the property taxes, utilities, and maintenance coming from?
– Is there a current lease and what are the terms?
– Is SIL paying any rent or utilities?
– How long has SIL been told she can stay in the cabin?
– If there is damage from SIL’s stay, who will pay for this?
– If there are expenses related to SIL’s stay (like cost to prep for residence and winterize again afterwards), who is paying for this cost?
– What happens if OP wants access to the cabin before he is 18?
– Can OP control or have a say in how long SIL is able to stay in his cabin?
As for your family and their expectations, you may approach it as something like this:
*SIL is only staying there because of an emergency. It’s my cabin and in X months, I can invite guests as I’d wish. Until then, what I want should still be respected since that’s been promised to me and agreed upon.*
edit
You should make an effort to view and document the state of the cabin asap. You should also make sure your mother commits to returning it to you in the same state. Make it clear that any changes – even cosmetic – require your permission.
q. why don’t you want use the cabin with your family
NTA. In fact, I think you’d be justified to demand rent from the SIL at this point. That should get the point across to your mom that it’s yours, not hers. It may also be worth going to court over if you think she’s going to try and steal it from you, which seems like it might be the case.
NTA – there’s nothing saying that she can’t use it temporarily for holidays and then just holiday somewhere else once you come of age. That rule is her own odd imposition. The memories made would not be tarnished by making future memories elsewhere.
Your mother needs to get over herself, explain her own decisions, and stop blaming you – I assume this behaviour and the repeated attempts to establish entitlement for your half-siblings are the reason you don’t want them there in the first place. That’s totally reasonable.
Why don’t you like your half siblings?
Is there an adult you can go to that would help you get some legal help with this? How about your dad’s parents? I think you need legal counsel, someone to act on your behalf to protect your rights with regards to the cabin. Please talk to a trusted adult who can get you a lawyer to help protect your rights and your cabin. Best of luck. NTA
NTA and don’t sign any papers your mom gives you without reading them. She might try and have you sign it away.
The child asking questions is 6. Most 6 year olds would have dropped it, unless someone is egging her on.
Op do you have any other family you would trust to keep the cabin safe until you are 18? If so id ask to have them if theyd be willing to take over because your mom and stepdad are incredibly entitled and I wouldnt trust them to not damage it out of spite.