How should I refer to my partner who passed away: “my bf” or “my ex-bf”? #partnersupport #griefhelp #relationshipadvice
Exploring the Right Terminology
When dealing with the loss of a loved one, word choice can be crucial in conveying your feelings and relationship with the deceased. Here are some tips to help you navigate this sensitive issue:
- Consider Your Comfort Level: Use the term that feels most natural and comforting to you. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to refer to your partner.
- Respect the Relationship: If the relationship was significant to you, it’s perfectly acceptable to continue calling them your boyfriend, even if they have passed away.
- Clarify the Status: If calling them your ex-boyfriend makes it clearer that you were no longer together at the time of their passing, that may be a useful distinction for some people.
Engaging with Others
When discussing your loss with others, consider their feelings and reactions to your choice of words. Here are a few ways to handle the situation:
- Be Honest: If someone asks about your partner, share your feelings openly and honestly. Honesty can help you connect with others who may be experiencing similar struggles.
- Use Context: Provide context if necessary by explaining the nature of your relationship with your partner. This can help others understand the dynamics of your relationship.
- Respect Boundaries: Remember that people may have different perspectives on how to refer to deceased loved ones. Respect their opinions while staying true to your own feelings.
The further away you get from this loss the less this will come up. But when it does the best course of action is probably just to use his name, i.e. “Bob passed away”. Very sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry about your loss. That guy is a jerk please don’t listen to him. Your loved one isn’t an “ex” because he passed away. You didn’t break up.
What a disgusting, insensitive thing to say to you. Dont listen to that jerk. You can call him your boyfriend still. If anyone gives you a hard time over this they are an asshole. Frankly I would do your best to never talk to that jerk again, what an utterly hurtful and insensitive thing to say to someone who just lost a loved one. I’m sorry for your loss.
> Am I even making sense here?
You are making sense, that guy is an insensitive asshole. You were right with your logic, you never broke up with him, so he isn’t your ex.
So sorry for your loss.
Focus on the friends that support you and ignore this jerk.
As I am only 16 I don’t know if I’ll be of much help or not so don’t take my advice serious. I’m really sorry for your loss. It’s completely understandable that you’re struggling with how to refer to your partner now. Your feelings are valid, and you have every right to define your relationship in a way that feels right to you. Whether you say “my boyfriend” or “my ex-boyfriend,” it’s about what makes you comfortable. And that guy’s comment was definitely insensitive; you don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you choose to remember your partner.
He’s an AH!
Next time you get into a situation like this just say “ If I wanted to hear from an AH i would have farted!.”
He Will forever be your boyfriend just like my best friend who passed away will always be my best friend.
I am sorry for your loss.
Traditionally the modifier would be late (documented as being used in this way since 1490 and likely in use for at least a couple hundred years before that), not ex.
So my late father passed away 5 years ago.
My late BF, Bob, has a memorial tree at this location.
I’ve used “then boyfriend” or “boyfriend at the time.” But honestly, anyone that’s policing your language over that can shove it.
Im sorry for your loss.
He was your boyfriend when he passed away. Your statement was wholly correct.
And I think we all kinda hate the guy – he’s an ass who also doesn’t understand grammar.
Say whatever you want, ignore this person.
You never broke up with your boyfriend, so your boyfriend *did* pass away. That guy needs to get over himself. You also shouldn’t give any credence to the things he’s said. He’s nobody to you.
Ignore that AH, what an insensitive idiot. You’re in the very early stages of grief, and he was your boyfriend, you can call him that until you feel ready to change the language (to whatever you want- “my late bf” or “my last partner” or whatever you feel is right.
I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how you are feeling 💜
Boyfriend
‘i lost my partner’.
My condolences and a big hug. ♥️
I’d say it like this. Until you’re in another relationship you can say “my bf passed away”. Once in another relationship, you can say it like “my (previous or prior) bf passed away” so as not to confuse people. I’d avoid saying ex since you never broke up. Of course this is just me. You can say it however you’re most comfortable with
He wasn’t your ex when he died, so don’t say ex bf. The guy is just a dick. I’m sorry for your loss. If it were me I’d just say how you said it the first time. Then I’d call out whoever says shit like that.
I think its ok to say your bf passed away since its a recent thing. After a while you can say my last boyfriend( or previous bf if you get a new one) passed away. If you call him you ex bf it gives the impression that you broke up before he died
Unless you busted out a Ouija board and dumped him posthumously, you’d say “my boyfriend passed away”.
That dude is a flat out weirdo. I’m very sorry for your loss. Say whatever is true to you, ie, that your partner passed away.
That guys an ass, if his mom dies, is she no longer his mom? He’ll be a disappointment to her even when she’s passed on.
Does this asshole want to be your boyfriend? Why is he so hung up on this? You were correct.
He was your boyfriend when he passed away. Therefore your boyfriend passed away. That guy is a real jerk and it sounds like his intent was to upset you. There is no validity to what he said. What an asshole. I’m so sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with dicks like this on top of it.
Widow here. The word you are looking for is “late”. I’m very sorry.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your boyfriend passed away. He was not your ex and is not your ex. He was your beloved partner, and he gets to keep that status forever, even if you move on into other relationships in the course of your own life.
Saying ex-boyfriend died means you broke up before he died. I don’t know what the etiquette for this is, but if a spouse dies you don’t say, my ex-wife/ex-husband. You refer to them as your late husband or your late wife. I would just refer to him as your boyfriend. If you start dating someone else, you can refer to him by name. “When Josh died 8 months ago…”
You didn’t break up. He died.
When I talk about my fiancé who passed I always say my late fiance. Cos that’s what he’ll always be.
Don’t let some see you next Tuesday dictate to you how you should refer to your late boyfriend. Tell him to pull his head in or just walk off.
Stay strong lovey and be kind to yourself ❤️
I’m so sorry, OP.
That guy’s not insensitive. He’s a prick. A heartless prick.
First, it is absolutely understandable for you to continue to feel he’s still your boyfriend while you grieve. Second, all reasonable people would interpret “my ex-boyfriend” the way you suggest–that you’d broken up beforehand. Third, the way this gets phrased in the marital context is “my late husband,” so to the extent there’s even a need to specify, “my late boyfriend” would seem to be the way to go.
Honestly, it sounds like this dude’s trying to get you to act like you’re over it so that he can get in your pants.
It would be a dumb time for him to quibble with your language anyway, but you’re totally right.
“Ex-boyfriend,” to the vast majority of people, means “former boyfriend but we’ve since split up.” Not “boyfriend who died.”
It’s totally normal and accurate to say “my boyfriend passed away” because he was your boyfriend when he passed away.
If you ever need extra clarity you can always say “late boyfriend” to make it clear he has passed away. But that’s obviously not necessarily when you’re breaking the news to people that he died.
So sorry about your boyfriend, and that you encountered an inaccurately pedantic jerk while you were grieving.
I’ve never heard a widow or widower call their late spouse “my ex spouse”. Even if remarried, they say “my late wife” or “my late husband.” The same should apply here. You did not break up, he passed away. He is not your ex, and had this not happened you’d presumably still be together. I know you said that person is not really your friend, but they definitely are not remotely your friend in any capacity, and wanted solely to make you feel worse imo. Unfortunately, times like this show you who really cares for you.
You are well within your rights to tell this asshole exactly where he can go. If I witnessed that interaction, I would do it so you didn’t have to.
I am so sorry for your loss. A friend of mine uses “late boyfriend” to refer to the partner she lost.
You wouldn’t say “ex boyfriend.” The correct thing to say would be “my late boyfriend”
My boyfriend died Jan 2020.
End of the day, you say what makes you feel comfortable and that’s all that matters.
I’m sorry for your pain.
Edit: no none says my ex father died, or my ex mother died.
Just because someone passed, doesn’t mean they become an ex
I’m a widow. I don’t refer to my love as my ex-husband. He is either my husband or my late husband. There’s no ex involved.
Your friend is wrong and needs to shut the hell up. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Sorry for the loss of your partner. They are still your partner.
If your none friend J passed away he wouldn’t be an ex arsehole!
Jesus Christ, that makes me question humanity even more.
I’m really sorry for your loss, and that for even a moment you had to question your relationship because of some insensitive guy that needs to slide down dick mountain backwards.
I’ve always appreciated the use of “my person”. Maybe it’ll clear up confusion when it’s a term of endearment.
I hope you find peace soon.
I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Please ignore that asshole. You were a couple.
I’m sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. He is not your EX. The acquaintance who said that is horribly insensitive.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your bf and that you had to go thru that with that “friend.” Just say bf, not ex. You’re right, ex implies breakup. Even though he passed away, he’s not an ex. We don’t say our ex-mom or ex-aunt passed away. I’d personally use late bf but you don’t even need that if you mention he passed away, the listener infers he is late. So my late bf or my bf passed away. Best wishes.
The term you’re searching for is late boyfriend, or late partner. That person is an insensitive prick and they were incorrect. You never broke up, and he’s definitely *not* an ex. That would imply you broke up beforehand. If you want to still refer to him as your boyfriend or partner that’s up to you, and its not wrong.
Imagine arguing petty semantics with someone grieving the very recent loss of a loved one. What a miserable existence.
I’m so sorry, OP. May the resounding chorus of support for you here offer you some shred of comfort. And may the miserable AH who felt the need to squabble with you over relationship titles in the context of someone’s passing receive the very loud wake-up call he’s clearly overdue for, and stop being such an insensitive AH. The world has enough of those. He isn’t special.
Don’t give him any power over your emotions, or any more real estate in your head or heart. He isn’t worth it.
Sorry for your loss.