I am a new parent and have recently experienced a major falling out with my parents. The disagreement stemmed from judgment and criticism directed towards me and my wife regarding our parenting choices. It was a difficult and uncomfortable period for all of us, lasting about 6 or 7 months.
In reflecting on this experience, I want to share some helpful tips on how to approach talking to parents and setting boundaries after an argument or falling out. Please keep in mind that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses when it comes to managing relationships, so take these tips as suggestions based on my own experience.
1. Set ground rules for the discussion:
One of my weaknesses is expressing anger in unhelpful ways. To ensure a productive conversation, I established a ground rule that if anyone starts shouting, swearing, or resorting to name-calling, I would take 5 minutes to step away, calm down, and then resume the conversation. This rule helps maintain a respectful and constructive atmosphere.
2. Outline the topics of discussion without going into each point just yet:
When starting the conversation, it can be helpful to simply list the points that need to be addressed. This prevents the discussion from becoming overwhelming or sidetracked. Expect some resistance or disapproval from your parents initially, but stay calm and take a deep breath to maintain composure.
3. Ask if your parents have any ground rules to add:
While it is unlikely that your parents will suggest any ground rules, it is important to give them an opportunity to voice their thoughts. This shows that you are open to hearing their perspective, even if they may not reciprocate.
4. Stick to the ground rules as emotions escalate:
As you delve into the various topics of discussion, emotions may run high, leading to a messy or tense atmosphere. During these moments, it is crucial to remember and enforce the ground rules, particularly the one about not resorting to shouting, swearing, or name-calling. This helps maintain a productive dialogue and prevents further escalation.
5. Practice curiosity and seek to understand first:
Approach each topic with curiosity, seeking to understand what is going on for your parents before explaining your own point of view. This can be challenging, especially if your parents have difficulty listening or are quick to dismiss your perspective. However, taking the time to listen and understand their feelings can pave the way for more open communication and receptiveness.
6. Define and communicate your boundaries:
After the initial conversation, take the time to reflect on any boundaries that emerged during the discussion. This could involve setting limits on certain topics, behavior, or interactions. If you are not accustomed to setting boundaries, it may be beneficial to do some research and explore techniques for establishing and communicating boundaries effectively.
During my conversation with my parents, I had to leave the room twice for 5 minutes each time due to their shouting and swearing. It was challenging, but I remained committed to following the ground rules I had set. Despite the rough start, the conversation eventually ended on a positive note, and it opened the door for ongoing dialogue that may eventually lead to resolution and healing.
I want to emphasize that this process was incredibly difficult for me, but if you find yourself in a similar situation, I want to wish you luck and send you love. It is important to remember that each individual’s experience is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. However, by approaching the conversation with openness, curiosity, and a commitment to setting healthy boundaries, you may be able to make progress in your relationship with your parents.
I have the same parents . Haven’t talk to them in months and they’re elderly.
When my Dad was still alive, I had to do this several times. I was protecting my child who had health issues. So, I told my Dad we weren’t staying with him because of his smoking. He promised there would be no smoking, so I said at the first whiff, we’re gone. He had previously broken his word about the no smoking.
Sure enough, there was no smoking. He had quit cold turkey after decades of smoking. We enjoyed a smoke-free visit. Kid and granddad had lots of bonding time.
Thanks for the warm welcome! Upvoting because, let’s be real, who doesn’t need help with their parents? 😂👍
I think the hardest part is for parents to come to terms with the fact that their offspring aren’t children anymore, but rather fully grown adults capable of making their own decisions and governing their own lives in different ways.