#WorkplaceHarassment #HRAdviceNeeded #NYWorkplaceIssues
Hey everyone, I need some guidance on a sticky situation I’ve found myself in at work. So, here’s the scoop:
– Started a new job in January in a typical office setting in New York 🗽
– Been dating a woman, Sarah, since February who works at a cafe in the neighborhood ☕
– Turns out, a coworker, Jake, who previously asked Sarah out sent her some seriously harassing messages after finding out about our relationship 🚫
– Jake even showed up at the cafe where Sarah works, got banned, and is now harassing her on Instagram again 📱
I’ve already talked to Sarah and she’s letting her manager know, and I plan on reaching out to my boss and HR before going back to work. But I’m not sure how much detail to include in my email or what to expect from HR in this situation.
Any advice on how to handle this with my company and what to expect from HR would be greatly appreciated. Also, if you know of any other forums I should check out for advice, please let me know!
Thanks in advance for any help you can provide, and sorry for the detailed post. 🙏💼
State facts and not emotions after you fully decide to get HR involved.
Will Jake become a problem at work for the company, not you?
To be clear, Jake isn’t talking to you or anyone else about this at work, right?
You have no reason to talk to HR about this. Unless Jake is speaking to you about this at work, or openly speaking with coworkers about this, your company’s view of this will be that you are oversharing personal drama and YOU will be seen as the issue, not Jake.
Your girlfriend does have a very real reason to speak with *her* HR department/managment about the situation because SHE is being harassed AT work. No harassment has occured in your workplace.
Your girlfriend needs to contact the police for harassment. You need to keep your mouth shut at work and avoid Jake. If you take this to HR or your managment, you just look like you’re bringing relationship drama into the office and you will be seen as the problem….unless Jake is also the office creep and already has a documented history of similar behaviors. If your girlfriend gets a restraining order against Jake or he is charged with harassment then it might be worth bringing to HR because now you have documentation to substantiate that Jake is a creep and MAY represent a threat to the safety/wellbeing of people at your place of employment. Otherwise it just sounds like you’re insecure and battling to HR that he’s trying to get your girlfriend to leave you…your HR department isn’t going to invite your girlfriend in for an interview to get her side of the story, bro.
Also find out if those messages are enough for Sarah to file for a restraining order. Local PD can advise.
For the email to HR focus on the threats and comments made to/about you. Since Sarah doesn’t work with him, that is not a company issue.
Keep to facts. No personal opinions. Let them know you are advising them of a potential adverse/adversarial work situation and ask what company policy is and suggestions for how to handle this in the workplace. You may want to include screen shots in the email.
Frankly the guy sounds unhinged. So be careful.
What kind of action are you actually expecting? At this current stage, I hope it’s not much. HR practitioners are not middle school teachers. This is a non-work related matter that you need to address directly with Jake. Depending on how that goes though could change the potential pathways.
However, advising your Director manager and potentially HR in advance of any related interaction you have with him will probably be helpful. Your email should not be long or incredibly detailed.
“I wanted to make you aware of an interpersonal issue that has arisen between Jake and myself. My significant other has made advised me of recent and historical interactions he’s tried to initiate with her. In his most recent communications he’s made some incredibly inappropriate and derogatory statements about both myself and her, including written social media posts.
Since this is a personal matter, I am planning to address this with Jake directly at the next viable opportunity. Given the potential for this to have an impact on our ability to work together when needed in the future, I wanted both of you to have some advance notice, though. Please let me know if any additional information is needed.”
You would be foolish to go to HR. This is NOT a company issue, this is a personal issue. This isn’t really even a YOU issue (it’s Sarah’s issue). If Jake starts bringing stuff into the workplace, that’s a horse of a different color. But no, not an HR issue.
This guy sounds dangerous.
Seriously, no is a complete sentence and means stop not try harder!
No, it shouldn’t be her problem. It’s his problem.
Maybe you can prevent his future infamy
As others have posted, not HR issue. BOLO for Jake to try to retaliate onto you. So if he tries something, immediately go to HR with all the evidence and timeline and actions taken – banned from store, police contacted.
As someone else posted he sounds unhinged. So he may be Triggered by seeing you and the success of your relationship. So if you have photos up or face time in the breakroom with Sarah while Jake is present, or having her visit the workplace, it should cease until this issue is controlled.
If you are recieving threatening messages go to HR and ask to work separately if you are working together?
This is more of a police/restraining order issue. For you both if your both recieving messages. HR can’t do much for issues outside of work.
I’ve been in almost this exact situation and worknin an HR-adjacent role. Here’s my 2c:
I would not bring this to your HR yet, but I would absolutely pursue police/legal action as far as it can be taken (varies tremendously by location and police department as to how helpful they’ll be at this stage but definitely try).
The reason I wouldn’t bring it to your HR yet is that if I’m understanding correctly, none of this has taken place at your workplace, impacted your work, or had any connection to your work except for the fact that Jake is a coworker.
If you bring this to your HR now, there’s very little they can do at this point, as all of his actions, while scary and creepy and u hinged, have nothing to do with work or your workplace. If you were to go to them now, at best all they could do is pre-emptively talk to you both and that will likely just get messy and make him even more unhinged.
Call the police and watch your back and leave it at that
IMO… this isn’t an HR issue. If you go to your boss or HR and say, “Jake’s mad because I’m dating a girl he likes,” that is going to put you both in a very weird light. Sarah should just block him and ignore him at this point. If he starts making it an issue at your place of employment then you loop in your boss and possibly HR. If he starts making it an issue at her place of employment or your homes, then it becomes a police issue. One incident in eight months is not really a police issue either.
This + comments from OP read like a crappy romance mystery story.
This isn’t an HR issue, on your HR’s side. He hasn’t done anything to you, or anything involving your employer. They can’t act on things outside especially since nothing was directed specifically at you. Your gf works somewhere else, and what he does in his time outside of work is his business. She needs to file a restraining order if possible.