#Relationships #FamilyDynamics #Boundaries #Communication
Hey there, I could really use your thoughts on an issue with my girlfriend, who’s 39, and me, a 35-year-old guy. We’ve been together for about five years, living together for most of the last three. Everything was smooth sailing until her dad passed away about two and a half years ago. After that, we moved closer to her mom to lend a hand, which I was totally on board with.
At first, I supported her as she helped her mom through this tough time, but things have changed a lot. Her sisters, 24 and 30, moved back in with their mom, yet my girlfriend is responsible for more than her fair share of our rent—$600 versus their $500 contribution! 😕 Meanwhile, her sisters seem to be living it up, going to concerts and traveling while my girlfriend is struggling financially.
Here are the key points causing tension between us:
-
Financial Strain: She’s putting herself into debt to support her mom, to the point where she’s asking me for money. It feels like I’m bailing her out instead of us working together towards our goals. 💸
-
Lack of Boundaries: She hasn’t set clear boundaries with her family. I’ve tried discussing this calmly, explaining that she needs to distance herself from what feels like a one-sided relationship. She refuses. 😔
- Communication Breakdown: She often doesn’t communicate her plans with me and disappears for days without a heads-up. This feels disrespectful and it makes me lose respect for her.
Recently, she moved her stuff out while I was at work, citing that I was being mean and controlling. Now she wants a break.
So, my friends, am I wrong for trying to help her set boundaries with her family? Here’s what I think might help:
- Open Dialogue: We need to sit down and have a heartfelt talk about our expectations and feelings. Communication is key. 🔑
- Reassess Priorities: Maybe she needs to evaluate her priorities—her financial health and our relationship should come first.
- Encourage Independence: Helping her understand the importance of her own wellbeing might empower her to set those necessary boundaries.
What do you all think? Have you ever faced a situation where family dynamics affected your relationship? How did you handle it? I’m eager to hear your experiences or any advice you have! 😊
You initially supported your gf, supporting her mother which is understandable
She is now going into debt to fund her siblings
If she’s avoiding on being transparent on her time spent it’s time for you to make a decision
The sisters need help and care for their mom she needs sit them down have a family meeting and maybe discussion and budget to help that’s not fair that you are your wife and yeah she can be there and help but she doesn’t have it her self, how much this will affect you guys in long run .
Damn, I’m sorry. That’s a shit situation. Money is a difficult topic. Have you tried explaining to her that you are truly worried and maybe hurt, that she is not keeping more money aside to help herself out and to invest into your future as a family? That you maybe don’t mind her supporting her mum, but that if she wants to keep supporting her, she also needs to be financially stable? A bit like not being able to give water to anyone, if your own glass is empty, because you didn’t fix the cracks.
Maybe in a moment which isn’t tense or in which you both feel connected, if that will happen again.
Sorry it’s over. Send her back to her family and move on.
There is really nothing you can do, she left you for her family. You now know where her loyalties lie and they are not with you. She made her choice and now you get to start over in a new relationship with someone else. Maybe next time you will have better luck. It is no consolation, but it is better you learned this now rather than after having children together then this happening.
You’ve expressed yourself, expressed your boundary, and she adamantly refuses and continues to do this.
There’s nowhere to go, chief. Break it off and move on with your life. She’s made her choice, and it’s servitude to her mother even if it hurts your relationship and her financial well being.
She made her choice, you have to make yours.
You need to break up with her. It’ll do one of 2 things:
Snap her out of this shitshow and realize how far she’s fallen and come back to try and fix things and actually listen or she will just accept it and not give a shit which will show you where her true priorities lie. I hope you get your answers soon and I hope you can find peace and comfort because this sounds so mentally exhausting I couldn’t even imagine dealing with this for so long.
Well, I think you don’t read the situation right. Your girlfriend has chosen her family over you.
It’s time for you to move on. Maybe look for an apartment that’s better suited for you alone, come to terms with the end of your relationship.
Based on your reflections and discussions, decide on the next steps. This might involve working through the issues together, taking a break to reassess, or making a decision about the future of the relationship.
Honestly, I would be glad she left. I know you’re frustrated, but let her go. You aren’t her priority, and if this continues, she will only take you down with her trying to help her leeches.
Not married?
Accept this experiment has failed.
Move on.
There are no breaks, only breakups. Your girlfriend is willing to throw away your relationship and her financial stability over a problem that has an obvious solution. Some people just have to learn the hard way. Don’t be one of them.
You know the answer. You knew it when you packed her stuff.
Document everything you packed (just in case she goes south).
Time to move on.
You’re not wrong. If your gf is choosing to sacrifice herself so her mother and sisters can live in comfort, you can also choose to nope out. And it sounds like you should do so.
Being in a relationship is being a team. She isnt on your team she is on her familes team.
You can be there for family but there has to be healthy lines. She is crossing those lines. You tried talking to her and she choose to use buzzwords and leave you.
Its probably for the best sounds like right now she needs to focus on her family and let them destroy her life for awhile.
Sorry but it might be best to seperate for a little.
Her priority is her family and not you. You need to respect that and give her the space. Instead of having to make the difficult decision of splitting between you and her mom, you need help make the choice for her and have the mercy to let her go and live with her mom. She only has one mom and one parent left that she is fighting to not lose. In the meantime, do not disrespect someone else and use them as a rebound to get over her.
I’m sorry to say this, but I agree with the others here. Your girlfriend has chosen her family over you, and that’s a tough reality to face. She’s deliberately keeping things from you because she knows you won’t approve. She’s prioritized her mother, and while there’s no right or wrong in that, it is what it is.
You’re not going to be able to make her stop caring for and supporting her mother. The only option you have now is to tell her that you respect her choice and appreciate her for being a good daughter. But at the same time, this isn’t the kind of life you want—constantly being without her for days or weeks, and facing financial instability because she’s always giving money to her family.
Let her know you’ve tried to make things work, but it’s clear that they can’t be fixed. It might be time to move on from this relationship and find someone whose priorities align more closely with yours. Your girlfriend doesn’t seem interested in communicating or changing, so take control of your own happiness. Leave, and allow yourself the freedom to be happy again.
She’s choosing them over you, it’s doing a disservice to herself….. And it is doing a disservice to you.
So honestly this is probably for the best sadly.
I’m sorry
This will not change. As much as you may love this person, they are refusing to address unhealthy behaviors that are affecting you. This is not sustainable long term, and since she refuses to even consider or discuss changing this dynamic, only you can change it- by removing yourself. You cannot change her behavior. You can only decide when enough is enough for you.
She broke up with you so there is not much that you can do.
Your girlfriend was actively sabotaging her (and by extension your) financial future.
Is that a dealbreaker for you? Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life being responsible for all of the bills, savings, assets, retirement funds, big expenses etc? Even if she is contributing, you can’t trust her so the pressure is all on you.
My friend found herself living in a 2 bedroom, unrenovated house with 3 kids under 5 years of age… because her husband forgot about an old credit card debt of $300 that he had not paid. It ruined his credit score so, whilst she had enough money to buy the house, he could not raise the money for the extension and renovation.
The whole family is impacted when one person can’t get their financial act together.
Just so everyone knows, I’m quite aware that this is either the only way she wakes up to the truth (though I’m certainly not holding my breath on that) or that it’s quits for good. Either way, I’m at peace with that. It’s just when someone gaslights themselves as well as you for so long, you feel like you’re going crazy, like I have been. I’ve had issues with my family where I was treated as an ATM and I cut them out completely.
Now, I run pretty cold when I’m mistreated and being used, so I thought “maybe I am being a bit ruthless” for a bit. It’s literally driven me nuts. I just more or less wanted to know if I’ve been unreasonable and too cold on the subject. I’m actually grateful to see and hear that I’m not entirely in the wrong for a change, after being told I’m being mean and controlling for so long, knowing I’ve been as patient and understanding as I can be for as long as I have. I really appreciate it everyone, I feel like I’m not going crazy anymore and it’s more reassuring coming from total strangers, because with friends they can just affirm you because they are your friends and biased in the situation.
It’s time to end the relationship
Sounds like she did you a big favor by pa king up and leaving. I’d say your problem is solved. Imagine if she was your Wide, she would ruin both of you.
just let her go she’s using you as a personal ATM and doesn’t care the consequences of what she’s doing it sounds like you dodge a massive bullet with her.
Change the locks.
You will come to realize, later, that she has done you a hugh favor.
If your EX has pay-day-loans they will slowly bleed her dry.
Be ready when she shows back up on your doorstep, penniless.
Be thankful she’s already taken herself out. What you complaining about? This relationship is over. Celebrate your freedom
She is putting herself financially in debt, not treating you with respect or communicating effectively. She’s letting her family use her and she sees no problem with it, people with this mindset financially, generally never change and can actually get worse.
Cut your losses, tell her you guys are officially broken up for good and move on. It sucks but it’s better you know now.
Stop. She doesn’t respect you. Move on
>Was I wrong for trying to set boundaries with her family?
Not wrong, no.
And your GF just moving out is a childish move made by a grown woman unable to defend her actions.
>siting that I was being mean and controlling and saying we need a break.
Accusing you of being ‘controlling’ is an abusive move designed to bludgeon you into submission and make you shut up.
Wonder what she hopes this break will accomplish…
OP.. high risk this wont get any better.. time you prepare for life as a single man…
The flat is yours?? Post state you got it together – is she still paying towards the rent??
Disassociate the finances as much as possible – if she defaults on rent or any loans, will you be on the hook for it??
OP you aren’t even in the top five of your gf’s priorities. Break it off and find someone that is interested in a future with solely you. Your gf has made a choice to sacrifice herself for her Mom and sisters; there is no place for you in that setup.
Dude. It’s over. Be thankful you don’t have to deal with her drama any more. Change the locks. Get her name taken off any bills or accounts you have together. Move on.
She is choosing her mother over you. I’m not sure what you can do. It’s been two and a half years and none of them seem to be coping in a healthy manner.
Does her mother have a job? If not, she needs to get one. Do the sisters pay a a reasonable rent or any household bills? If not, they need to start. It’s shameful that her mother is allowing your girlfriend to get herself into financial trouble for her sake. Do not subsidize this behavior.
Have you asked your girlfriend what kind of future she envisions? Does she intend to live part time with her mother forever? How the two of you will achieve your goals if she continues to financially support her mother? Have you asked her why she feels she must be responsible for taking on the financial burden for three adults who should be able to take care of themselves? Does she find any of his reasonable or sustainable within your relationship?
Just move on. Preferably find someone with two dead parents and no brothers or sisters.
You’ve been doing this pandering of her for 2.5 years?! Be glad she moved her stuff out! You can only set boundaries for yourself, not for others. You aren’t willing to continue to be a part of this – and that’s perfectly fine. She’s enmeshed with mom/family and ensuring her financial downfall. You don’t need to support that, and it would only be a matter of time before your finances took more of a dive. You’ve already lost respect for her and the decisions she makes – that’s a poor basis to try to continue a relationship.
Is your name the only one on the lease? Then you may want to change the locks. What if she comes back to sell your belongings to fund her mother?
And no, you’re not wrong.
As others have said, she made her choice by leaving, but she doesn’t want to deal with the finality of saying it’s a breakup. In fact, she never really wants to deal with anything. So don’t let her string you along. Make a clean break of it and move on. She is too old to let her emotions control her to this extent. At some point, we learn to function under stress. She never did.
How she is acting is not about her father’s death or helping her mother. It’s about an emotional overreaction to everything. I’m sure this is not the first time she has let her emotions get her into debt. Nor the first time she has walked away from a relationship or a job, to avoid being held responsible for her actions.
The only thing you can count on is you will never be able to count on her.
Let her go.
It sounds like she is trying to see if you will call her bluff with moving her stuff out. I would ask for the key back to The apartment and change all your passwords to your accounts just to be on the safe side.
Maybe ask her if she is will
To Go to counseling for a last chance to try and fix things.
Break up with her. She’s going to do this and she will drag you down with her. You need a functional partner, not a millstone around your neck.
I think, given your girlfriend’s attitude, your choices are either to accept that she will continue this behaviour, which will hinder your own financial goals ultimately OR accept that you have differing views and break up. Your girlfriend seems unwilling to compromise. You do not have to stay either her if you disagree. It doesn’t sound like she’s going to change her mind.
I’m sorry so she broke up with you? Looks like the trash took itself out. Take a deep breath and be happy she is gone. Move on with your life.
It’s challenging to divide the line between doing too much and not doing enough when it comes to family. Did she have a loving family growing up?
You need a break up.
She’s decided. She’s made her choice.
You have quite a lot of “I” statements here. You’ve done quite a lot of trying to fix a problem your gf doesn’t seem to think she has.
This is not a matter of you being right.
Read that again.
It doesn’t sound like you have made any effort to emotionally support your gf. It’s easy. Just be there for her. Not be there waiting to do something. Just be there for her. Allow her to know you are there. That she has a place she can feel safe and protected. Just be there for her.
If this is too bizarre for you, and you can’t just sit there and not tell her what she’s doing is wrong, then this relationship is probably over.
It’s tough. I know. Our instinct is to identify the problem and fix it. Easy-peasy.
Women don’t work like that. They live much more layered and nuanced lives. Your solution is not plausible. You are asking her to cut off her arm, pick it up and use the removed one as a climbing tool. It makes about as much sense as your solution does to her.
Good luck. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
She left, it’s over. She chose her family.
If she is on the lease with you, she needs to be removed, and locks changed.