#HelpMeHelpHim: So, here’s what’s been going on – I’ve been battling severe endometriosis and it’s been a rough ride. My husband has been an absolute rock through it all, taking care of me and juggling everything. But yesterday, I overheard him pouring his heart out on the phone about how he’s struggling to take care of me. My heart broke into a million pieces.
I’ve been trying to do my part, easing his load as much as possible. But now I’m at a loss. He says he’s okay, but I know he’s not. How do I support him when I can barely keep myself afloat?
I need your advice, your insights, your help. How can I be there for him in this tough time? Share your thoughts, let’s navigate through this together. Let’s help me help him. 💔❤️ #SupportEachOther #CommunicationIsKey #LoveAndCare
He needs a break. Caregiver burnout us real.
So have friends or family members give him breaks, for an afternoon, evening or a day.
Being a caregiver can be very challenging.
You need to spread the caregiving burden across more than just one person, he can’t handle it by himself. Ask other people to step up.
You may not be able to support him in certain ways due to your physical condition but make sure you are there for him in whatever ways you can be. Talk about his feelings but also, importantly, spend time together focusing on things that are not sickness or school or work related.
He just loves you. If you ever have kids you will experience the same thing… the endless worry.
Two weeks and hopefully you’ll be in a much better place! I have heard horror stories about how long this can sometimes take to diagnose.
Stay positive. It’s not fatal. It soon will be over. You can get back to wing you and repaying some of that love and attention!
In the meantime, don’t feel guilty about being sick. You did not cause it. All you can do is what you can do.
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Maybe you can call her mom or your mom if she can watch out for him after your surgery. Like making sure he has dinner or have time to destress. IDK about you but with Asian families these is not unusual thing to ask.
Don’t do anything except maybe talk to his mother privately about your concerns (if she is a trustworthy person) maybe y’all can think of something.
First, he isn’t going to tell you how he is really doing. I wouldn’t do it either in his situation. He is more concerned with your well-being. There’s no way he wants to worry you. Second, he has his family to receive emotional support. That’s great. It’s great he can open up to his mother and speak his feelings freely. That helps him.
The support he needs is you letting him know how much you love him, how much of a burden you know this is, and how great he’s doing at being there for you.
Then you need to find a way to give him a break, even for a day or two. Have your mom come stay with you for a weekend or something.
It sounds like you and your husband have a strong and supportive relationship, and it’s wonderful that you’re both there for each other. It’s understandable that you’re concerned about your husband’s well-being, especially if he’s struggling with depression while supporting you through your health issues.
One way to support your husband is to continue being open and communicative with him. Let him know that you’re there for him and that you want to support him in any way you can. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and reassure him that it’s okay to express himself and seek help if he needs it.
You can also try to alleviate some of his stress by taking care of tasks and responsibilities that you’re able to handle, such as ordering food, doing light household chores, or helping him with his schoolwork. Let him know that you appreciate everything he’s doing for you and that you want to help ease his burden however you can.
Encourage him to take care of himself and prioritise his own well-being. Suggest activities or hobbies that he enjoys and remind him to take breaks and practice self-care. Offer to spend quality time together doing things that you both enjoy, even if it’s just watching a movie or going for a short walk.
If you notice that his depression is affecting his daily functioning or if he’s experiencing severe symptoms, encourage him to seek professional help from a therapist or counsellor. Let him know that it’s okay to ask for support and that seeking help is a sign of strength.
Above all, continue to show him love, empathy, and understanding. Your unwavering support and compassion can make a big difference in helping him navigate his feelings and cope with his depression, trust me.
I just want to say, I saw my friends (a couple) go through years of endo issues and surgeries etc. She’s doing so much better now and the endo is under control. They’re really happy now and getting married soon. I hope the best for you and your husband.
I think you need to really make him know and understand he’s doing an absolutely STELLAR, that you couldn’t possibly ask for a better support person and that he is by NO MEANS inadequate. But do also tell him that you don’t want him to break his neck.
As others have suggested, see if you can find more people to help you out.
Really hoping for you that the surgery will help!
He loves you and is worried. Maybe suggest getting a nurse or a companion (if you can afford it) for post op. I agree with others that he’s likely got caretaker burnout and giving him breaks would really benefit him. Maybe ask around about support groups for caretakers too in case he needs someone else to talk to. It’s hard to talk to the person you’re caring for about it. I hope surgery goes well. Speedy recovery and healing to you both.
Definitely ask for support and time from other people – your friends or family – to give him breaks. Even just breaks from hanging out, because while he may not be actively taking care of you, seeing you in pain is clearly weighing on him. It’s not your fault or his, he just needs some time away every few days to walk with a friend, or go to a movie, or work out, to take his mind off worrying about you.
Find small ways to express love and appreciation. Write him a note. Tell him how much you love him. Buy him a treat or surprise him by planning a night out with his friends – whatever you can manage while you’re ill.
I’d also find small ways to caretake for HIM. Scratch his back or pet his head while you’re watching a movie. Tell him it’s his game night and you’ve prepped all his favorite snacks while you go to your mom’s (if you can). Draw him a bath and do his nails while you lay around on the couch. Just small silly things that will make him feel pampered back. Anything that feels achievable and manageable while you are in pain.
If you can manage it, prep in advance for the surgery by asking friends to provide meals and check up on him (and you!) while you recover.
Find ways to talk about life after the surgery. When you’re cuddling and talking, start planning how celebrate when you’re better. Where do you want to go out for a special dinner? Should you plan a weekend away? This will draw his and your attention to brighter days ahead and remind you that this too shall pass.
You both sound loving and communicative and engaged. I’m sorry you’re in pain – this isn’t your fault. It’s simply hard to watch someone you love suffer. The fact that he is so affected shows that he is empathetic and loves you deeply. Hang in there and celebrate each other when this is all over.
Don’t feel guilty that he admits how he’s feeling to his mother but not you. He doesn’t want to burden you and it’s great for him that he can express himself including tears to someone else. Don’t tell him you overheard this bc he might not be willing to express his feelings next time if he thinks you’ll find out.
The situation sucks but you seem really kind to worry so much about your health’s impact on him. Just keep being you, focus on getting healthy so you can make a grand(er) gesture of appreciation when you are physically capable.
Maybe he just needed to vent. My wife just had a major surgery and I’ve been taking care of her and the house pretty much alone. I’m happy to do it but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve been a little overwhelmed and I had a little cry the other day after something went wrong. I felt much better after.
Have you let him know.you really appreciate the support he’s giving? He won’t be resentful of it but it is hard and recognising the stress on your support wil.help a lot. Feeling like he has to be 100 % strong as you’re the one who’s really. going through stuff just adds to it. This isn’t saying you aren’t appreciating it but he may not see it as he’s doing things for you so spell it out for him. Bet you get a big hug when you say it.
It seems like he’s also just really worried about you and doesn’t want you to be afraid more so doesn’t want to bring it up. That’s really hard as well, he needs to make sure he’s talking to people about how he feels. It’s a good sign he shares with his mother and has emotional support. BUT I think it might be also helpful for him to find a caregiver support group or see a therapist.
I would probs talk to him about caregiver fatigue, about how you know what it is and that it’s totally understandable to feel that way. And that you aren’t upset with him that it’s hard for him to watch this as well. He may be feeling guilty about feeling overwhelmed. I think that’s really common in situations like this.
He loves you I’ll say that. That may be why he was crying partly. He is sad to see you like this. But he does need a break. You seem amazing and supportive though. Good luck ❤️