#MarriageStruggles #LibidoIssues
Hey there, folks! So, let me paint you a picture – imagine being in a marriage where one partner is basically asexual, while the other has a high libido. To add to the mix, there’s also a case of ED, but no one wants to talk about it. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right?
Well, that’s the situation I find myself in right now. It’s tough, feeling unwanted and unattractive when all you want is to connect with your partner on a physical level. Sometimes, he even blames my weight for the lack of intimacy, even though the problem existed before any weight gain.
So here’s my burning question – How do you make a sexless marriage work? How do you navigate through different libidos, unresolved ED issues, and ultimately, feelings of rejection and insecurity?
I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and tips on how to cope with these challenges. Let’s start a conversation and figure out how to make things work in a less-than-ideal situation. Share your insights below, and let’s support each other through this journey! 💬🤔 #SupportEachOther #CommunicationIsKey
Know the feeling , not sure of answer
You do not sound compatible sexually as a couple. Probably some deep rooted marriage therapy and a long look at if this is a sustainable relationship long term.
If a very minimal sexlife is a deal breaker for you – you should consider your options.
Don’t look for answers here. Speak to a therapist/marriage councillor. We’re only working off your side of this and this is a serious issue.
I wish I had better advice, but the reality is that you don’t
I loved my ex-wife and we tried for over fourteen years
We’re both happier now and actually have a better relationship with each other than we ever did while married
Good luck to you
I would start by talking to him about all this – how you feel about not having sex and about him clamping up about his issue. And then say you are willing to work with him on resolving them.
Start making decisions.
Define what you want and need, sum it up and score it.
Then, in full honesty and true to yourself judge if you can get that out of this relationship or at least work through it.
Scary as hell if the conclusion is “no” but then you at least know what the only way to happiness is.
Been where you are 10 years ago.
Take care
The simple answer is he needs to get his testosterone levels checked. There’s 100% guarantee his hormone levels are messed up. It’s not fair to him to live like that, and you can’t possibly be happy. If he refuses to do that, then, like others have said, it’s not going to work. Once he gets his hormones balanced, he will feel like a million bucks and won’t be able to stay off you.
I know couples where one takes a lover, or have a lot of toys and couples that just compromise. There is no recipe for success as such.
Physical sexual relationships can be a reflection of what is actually going on emotionally
Same way you live in a house that has no bathroom, gotta use the neighbors.
There are a few ways, besides just leaving him, although that could be the end result.
In order for things to change both people have to want it to change and be willing to talk about what’s getting in the way.
Of course his participation is out of your control. So, he can choose to not engage in therapy to talking to you about it, and you can choose to stay with things never changing. , or you could leave.
These situations are about sex but, also about being desired, feeling connected, supported and having a felt sense that you matter to your partner.
Some, if not most of these needs can be met without sex.
Ive worked with couples in the past, and some of it is disentangling sex as the only means of connection, most often this a guy thing because it’s how we are socialized.
There’s no reason he can’t be a better partner and more emotionally present, and compliment you etc without sex.
The barrier is his willingness to participate or not.
These situations are really hard and I’m sorry you are going through it.
There are definitely paths forward, but, they get very limited if he won’t talk about it.
If refuses to talk about it, then you have to choose if this is the relationship for you or not.
I was in one and now I’m not.
I’ve never been happier.
First off, you need to detach your self worth from your partner wanting sex with you. I’m high libido, I would not stay in a sexless marriage, but I don’t need sex for validation. I know I’m hot, so if my husband says no, it’s not a big deal. He’s a human with autonomy he gets to say no.
Second off, him blaming your weight is shitty. Maybe he’s lashing out because it’s a delicate subject, but I would call him on it. Having a healthy sex life takes both people putting in effort and he’s not doing that.
A lot of people are saying open the marriage, I would not recommend that. If the roles were reversed and he was the high libido , no one would suggest an open relationship. You are making the decision to be with someone who is lower libido than you, who is unwilling to compromise on that. Accept that this is your sex life or move on.
You’re sorta burying the lede here. While the sexless part is an issue, him being willing to make up an insult that would hurt your feelings as a way of avoiding working on his issue is a much bigger deal.
If he’s blaming your weight I’d say he’s more of an asshole than an asexual.
It really only might work if the rest of the marriage is really fulfilling. Though, if the husband is blaming his libido on op and her weight, I’m going to guess it isn’t. He needs therapy or the marriage will come to an end, not if but when.
Idk I got the same going on with my partner . But I’m the own with the low sex drive.
But this is due to childhood trauma which includes sexual abuse.
Idk I feel bad cause I know sex equates to expreasing love for him.
And when I have rough patches there’s 0 sex. But whenever I’m having a good day where I don’t feel vulnerable to flashbacks and I’m in the mood I’ll initiate intimacy .
But it’s also something I’m working on to try and improve.
I basically told my partner he can do what he got to do lol . We aren’t opening up our relationship. That’s not a desire from either of us.
Idk does your partner have a healthy diet and exercise, do they sleep well? All of that can lead to decreased libido too.
You listed three separate problems – asexual, ED, lack of attraction. Those could each individually be the issue or a combination of the three. Figuring out which one is leading to a dead bedroom is important. If he’s asexual, I’m not sure you can “fix” that. The other two have solutions if he’s willing to work on them. But he has to want to find a solution. And if he doesn’t want to, the solution is likely to go your separate ways and find someone with whom you’re more compatible.
Go see a sex therapist (or just a regular therapist). There’s clearly a lack of communication there which doesn’t help (also blaming your weight gain is a pretty mean thing to say). Sounds like the sexless part is just the top of the iceberg.
If he has ED, yall need to be able to work it out for the marriage to work out. Like, it may be as easy as him needing to work out and stop jacking off. But the bigger issue is that he doesn’t want to discuss this with you, like you should be able to talk about this with your partner.
Has he always been asexual? Get his testosterone checked if not! I found at 39 that mine was 10% what it should be. It is a life changer for some.
Talk to him about the ED and get him some pills. He’s probably embarrassed
Couldn’t do it, personlly.
I wouldn’t make it work. A sexless marriage is a dead marriage.
Either you live with it, or you both talk about other outlets
You are not sexually compatible. It’s up to you if you want to stay with that or not.
In my experience, the absolute majority of this problem is from men’s porn/sex addiction. There are obviously exceptions to the rule but if he isn’t getting it with you he’s getting it elsewhere.
Agree to allow sex outside the marriage and be respectful about it
Is there any chance he’s a porn addict? That could be affecting his ED and desire for real sex. But he’s not going to give them up unless he wants to. Unfortunately a sexless marriage like that is unlikely to work unless it’s a temporary situation
CHEAT
Evolution made it so women don’t want & men can’t.
Classic conundrum; use modern medicine to prolong that window or just accept the inevitable.
Hopefully it’s a gentle decline but the intimacy of physical cuddles & connection remains
Been married 31 years, living in changing times & have no answers,only ideas.
Good luck out there
As far as I’m concerned, sex is a very important part of any romantic relationship, married or not. So if you and your husband have different sex drives, then maybe you should look into whether or not you want to stay in that relationship. I don’t know that you can make it work if you each have different needs.
If he’s cool with you watching porn and masturbating that’ll help the physical urges. It sounds like you guys need a counselor though because he may just not be in the mood and you may be taking that personally when you shouldn’t. A therapist can help re frame that
Unless you’re asexual you don’t – or you live miserably
I have the same problem, but the genders are reversed. In my case it’s a relatively new marriage as well so i am still trying to work things out
I was in a sexless marriage (he is definitely asexual) for 14 years and I finally ended up cheating on him. I didn’t mean to, but my needs were starved so much that I craved intimacy so badly. I don’t regret what I did, but I know it wasn’t right. I just wish things would have gone differently. I should have left him long ago and found someone more sexually compatible. (I stayed because at the time we were both deeply religious.) After the affair, a lot of emotions came up for me that I had to contend with on top of the grief of the termination of the marriage, such as anger of losing all those years in a sexless, passionless marriage, low self-esteem and feeling low worth because of not having someone pursue me romantically and sexually, and so on. So if you can sort it out now before you complicate things further with affairs and messy divorces then good on you.
You might need a counselor to help you both open up to each other about what’s going on
ED? And quite clear as in you took him to get evaluated or quite clear as in you googled the symptoms and slapped it onto him?
I’d say dump him. He deserves better than someone who thinks you need to be mentally unwell to not want to sleep with them.