#FamilyStruggles #HealingFromThePast
Hey everyone, I need some advice on how to deal with a tricky situation. So, here’s the deal – my mom was an alcoholic for most of my childhood. She was basically checked out, leaving me feeling like an orphan. Fast forward, she’s now sober and trying to be a part of my life again.
But here’s the thing, she’s like a child herself and makes a mess wherever she goes. She struggles to connect with my kids and be a responsible adult. All these feelings of anger and resentment are bubbling up inside me. How can I move past this and be civil to her when she’s around?
Share your strategies and tips below, I could really use some help navigating this tricky situation. Let’s figure this out together! 💬🤔 #HelpMe #FamilyDrama
I think, if possible, it would be important to look for a care home for her and age appropriate adult groups (perhaps there are cooking courses for adults, for example), as well as have her assessed for any neurological issues alcoholism might have left. I think it is extremely generous of you to still offer her a space and are looking for ways to work through this. But I also think that you and your kids deserve some distance from someone who hurt you so much.
You could start by limiting how much time she spends with you. You do not have to heave an open door policy with her. Most people don’t. It isn’t mean, it is self preservation. Once a week is more than enough for her to visit. Set a time limit of the number of hours she stays. Encourage her to take some cooking classes so she isn’t reliant on you for her meals. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for her.
What are her plans for the future? As things down now, it seems like she may be planning to move in with you. Do not give up your sanity for someone who could not do the same for you when you were a child and really needed it.
No contact. Both of my parents are deceased. They put me through hell growing up. When I moved out I never looked back. I had minimal contact with them until their deaths. What contact I did have it was incidental.
You have so much anger toward your mother – understandably so. Would it be helpful for the two of you to have a big talk and hash it out? Does she know how angry you are?
It sounds like your mom is deeply damaged and has damaged you in turn. At some point in the last decade I’ve finally been able to forgive the people that hurt me- I don’t think they meant to hurt me, but they were just broken to begin with and did the best they could. It’s not deep forgiveness, but acceptance.
I won’t forget, but I am able to meet them where they are and to appreciate what I do like about them. Maybe spend less time with her, and get her involved in some senior activities. You can’t un-break what is broken in her, but you can hopefully allow yourself to not care as deeply.
Have you ever looked into Adult Children of Alcoholics? I’ve never been because I don’t have an alcoholic parent, but I’ve heard it recommended a lot in AlAnon.
I think it can really help people work through that very understandable anger from growing up with an alcoholic parent.
Maybe the same way she managed to raise you alive well and healthy… somehow. Despite having a learning disability, her husband ( your dad) leaving and depression.
You don’t have to be her best friend or ever leave your kids alone with her. A little compassion might be nice.
Sounds like she needs support to learn how to function. And you need to only see her once per week or every other week. She needs to find other things to do with her time. Your kids are not her emotional support animals.
Look up the gray rock technique.
Remember, no one can make you feel anything without your permission.
lol the only thing that truly worked for me was antipsychotics, but my mom gave me BPD so ymmv
So this is a tough situation for you, depends on how much you want your mother to be involved in your life – if you want a mom in your life then you’ll have to find boundaries and coping mechanisms when you’re around her. If you think that even with those in place it’s still not possible for you two to have a healthy relationship that means she is toxic and doesn’t deserve to be in your life. Remember she is not your child she is your mother, you are grown now and don’t necessarily need one, it’s a matter of want. She also cannot use her shit past life to dictate what she does now or in the future that’s a form of **abuse**. I would cut ties my love she isn’t bettering you or being the mom you deserve or want. You are loved.
Read some of your comments. There is no way around what you are going through. If She was developmentally challenged, even in a minor way, I’m sure the drinking didn’t help. Other than the therapy you are already in, there is no answer. It is unfair and conflicting to have to provide care to parents who did not provide it themselves. I’ve been there and I feel for you. Get yourself as much support as possible. Maybe even go as far to occaisionally hire a nurses aide to be her “friend” once a week.
It infuriates me that people are telling you to sit down and talk with her. As if you’ve never tried having a conversation with your mother before. As if it would get you anywhere.
It’s obvious that a lot of people on this app were raised in happy, healthy families and have no idea that their advice is both insulting and completely useless.