How do I tell my adult children about their father’s affair and possible child? #infidelity #familysecrets #parentingadvice
Discovering that my late husband had a long-term affair and may have a 10-year-old child has left me struggling with how to break the news to my four grown kids.
### Consider Your Timing and Approach
1. **Choose the Right Time**: Find a quiet and private moment to have this conversation with your children.
2. **Be Honest and Direct**: Communicate openly and honestly about the situation without sugar-coating the truth.
3. **Provide Support**: Offer emotional support to your children as they process this shocking news.
4. **Seek Professional Help**: Consider seeking counseling or therapy for your family to navigate through this difficult time.
### Acknowledge Their Feelings
– **Validate Emotions**: Let your children express their feelings without judgment.
– **Empathize**: Show understanding and empathy towards their reactions.
– **Encourage Communication**: Keep the lines of communication open for further discussions.
### Move Forward Together
– **Focus on Healing**: Encourage your family to support one another through this challenging revelation.
– **Establish Boundaries**: Set clear boundaries with the other family involved in a respectful manner.
– **Seek Closure**: Together, decide on the best way to move forward and address any lingering questions or concerns.
In times of distress, remember that communication and support are key in navigating through difficult family situations. You are not alone in this journey. #supportsystem #familydrama
Wow that is so much. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.
I just want to tell you that there’s no right way to feel right now. You’ve had a shock. He was the perfect husband and now he’s gone and you’re still grieving – and now you discover all of this. It’s going to be a roller coaster and whatever you feel, it’s okay to feel that way. Hate him, love him, decide you don’t care, decide he’s a monster – it’s okay to live in both places right now or swing wildly between the two. Whatever feels right right now is ok.
With a situation this complex, you need a safe place to unpack it. I’d definitely make an appointment with a mental health provider just to have a few conversations and unwind this all in your own brain.
There is NO RUSH to figure out what to tell your kids. You don’t have to tell them anything right now. Figure out your own feelings about this first, talk to a therapist. As you work through your own feelings on this, a plan will become more clear to you. This child is five, it’s not coming in search of its half-siblings anytime soon. You have plenty of time to work out what you want to do. Do not rush to any type of action right now.
Updateme
Updateme
Don’t tell them just destroy everything about her
You may wish to eventually tell the kids, as otherwise they may find a half-sibling when the child is an adult. But you can do it on your timeline. A therapist may help you process everything.
Hugs OP. I know that’s a big shock & you deserve to take your time processing what you’ve just learned. That sucks. I’m so sorry.
Food for thought, from a practical standpoint: 1. 5 yo could eventually seek a DNA test and you might be asked by your children “did you know?” 2. One or more of your children might already know, whether by accident or the GF reaching out or just bad luck…so it could be helpful to relieve them of the burden…I understand your reservations. It’s not fair that you’re in this position. Best wishes.
I agree with other commenters that talking to a therapist first is the way to go. However don’t hide this from your adult children. You are the victim, you shouldn’t have to carry that burden alone. They are a big part of your support system. What your late husband did was reprehensible. He is the one who should take the blame. You are not alone.
I don’t think I would tell my kids anything right now. I would wait until you have had time to process all the information and emotionally recover. That child may be his but it may also not be his. You only have the information provided but she may have had an intimate relationship with someone else at that time. You could also not tell your children and wait to see if his child shows up in their lives at some point. They don’t know that you know so unless you confess you know they are none the wiser. I do suggest you speak with a mental health professional to help you unpack all the feelings and grief.
I truly just can’t begin to understand how hard must all of this be for you. You are still grieving and found this shocking info which adds up to the grief not only of having your husband of so long, also not being the one you thought after all. Give yourself time to process emotions you are in no rush. Apparently they never were in touch again and for what i see all he said to her were excuses bebcause he never meant to leave you. You were out studying for a better career and he was just sticking it in some woman. My heart hurts for you. Talk to the counselour you said used to talk, try and get therapy for this new finding. You deserve to blossom again and owe nothing to no one just don’t forget that. I am sending you my biggest hug
You don’t .
That really stinks. You don’t have to decide what to do right this minute. You can take your time and figure out how to proceed. However, this isn’t a secret that can usually be kept. At some point this kid could come looking for his siblings or they might find each other through an ancestry DNA test.
April 2019 would make the kid 5, not 10.
You tell them they have to share their inheritance with a pretermitted child, if this is true, that is.
Honestly thinking about it I don’t think I’d want a relationship with that child if I was your kids. Id also hate to find out my father did that. I feel like personally I’d probably just leave it and if that child ever does come looking for them then they can cross that road when it happens just like what would happen had you never found these texts.
If you are in US please contact grief counselor . You have been going through tough phase in your life one after the other . You need professionals help here . It’s shocking and heartbreaking I only can empathize
My heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
You’re and adult. They’re adults. Tell them.
Updateme
I wouldn’t tell them.
They might feel compelled to try to find their “brother” who is only five years old and likely has no idea that your husband was his father.
It would be a lot for your adult children to process, but would be absolutely too much for a five year old.
Tell them with a puppet show. Always softens the blow. Sorry about the sitch and good luck.
So many hugs. I’m so sorry this happened to you. My heart reaches out to you. Try to speak with a therapist, unpack your emotions first and then figure out whether you want to tell your children or not. I can’t even imagine the shock and horror you’re feeling, he had a double life, I’m just so sorry.
No reason to tell the adult children. Let them think fondly of their father.
Update. How did your husband pass if I may ask?
Invite them all over for a dinner and after you finish eating tell them and show proof. Ask them how they would like to proceed, whether to contact his AP and let her know that you know or to just bury it. It needs to be agreed upon and follow through either way. She may want nothing to do with you (very likely) and you just leave it there.
The thing is, if you don’t say anything to your kids and they discover the truth on their own it could get ugly. Better to get out in front of it than to let it fester and explode.
I would discuss with your kids tbh, they might be your children but they are his family and also just as bonded to your husband as you are.
They are adults now, and likely have more than you’re aware of on their minds and maybe even knew something.
My dad died 2ys ago, and a few months after the first anniversary, my sister let me know that we has a half-brother. It destroyed me more than caring for my dad when shit got bad, it hurt more than his *dying*, because it reframed so much of my life. I’m still reeling from it.
The only good thing is that my mom has been dead for a long time, so she never had to know (if she didn’t know, which no one has any way to find out).
I can’t imagine the betrayal a spouse could possibly feel, with the natural grief of losing a partner, and I’m so sorry for it. It’s both enraging and so disappointing that people can possibly die and leave behind such a fucking mess that their loved ones have to clean up.
Take your time accepting this reality, and if I may be so bold, then, if you can, try to reach out to a lawyer in order to make sure there are no inheritance issues (especially given its an underage kid). May seem cold, but personally I prefer to focus on practical matters that can be resolved.
And then… you sit down and decide to tell your kids. I think you should. Firstly, they’ll know there’s something eating at you, and secondly, their father already died with this secret, you should consider the toll it would take on your kids if you also carried this alone to the grave.
My half-brother is an adult, and I decided to not reach out, and knowing myself, I know my stance would’ve been the same had he been a child. But that’s *me*. I don’t know your children, and even you can’t say how they’ll react – maybe they’ll want to make a connection, maybe they’ll ignore this child, maybe they’ll disavow their father even now, maybe it will have very little effect in your life.
But I hope one day you’ll share your burdens with them – parents carry their kids for so long, but it’s OK to rely on your kids to carry *you* for a little bit. If they’re good kids, they’ll be happy to do it.
You shouldn’t keep your husband’s secret like it’s *your* dirty secret – it is his, and he’s dead, he doesn’t need protecting. Your kids don’t need too – sometimes in trying to protect those we love, we can end up hurting them in the long run. They’re adults, and they have a loving mother to commiserate with – I’m sure they’ll hurt but they’ll grow from it.
Good luck.
Wow. I can’t imagine what this must have felt like. I’m so sorry you had to.go.through this.
I think you are very wise to seek grief counseling.
My instinct is to work with the grief counselor and leave your children out of it.
In the end, he did stay with you, and you stayed with him. Let your children keep that memory of their dad.
Best to you, OP.
Don’t lie. It always comes out in the end. You want them to realize you were lying to them as well?
The kids need to be prepared. The affair child may reach out to them as siblings to get to know them. You don’t want them to be blind sided by that.
The ex AP may try to hurt you guys by randomly throwing it in your face some times. Her attitude in her last text shows she isn’t the nicest. That would be a horrible way to find out.
Take some time and talk with a therapist about it.
Get some other perspectives.
Personally, if I found this out about my deceased wife, I wouldn’t tell the kids so as not to have her cause any damage to them from beyond the grave.
They won’t be able to confront or have closure, so what possible good would it do?
I agree with he vision of letting your emotions settle before doing anything.
After that, I’m pretty sure you will have to share that burden…since your kids are grown ( boys above 25 and girls above 22) you can safely share with them, specially if they aren’t in any bad place mentally right now. No one wants to be surprised by a lost brother down the road.
Remember, there’s no right or wrong, he did good things and bad things, humans make mistakes and you can forgive but for sure you will never forget.
Wish you the best and thanks for being faithful to your family all these years, you deserve the world.
I’m thinking about this from multiple angles. From your angle this is not just opening old wounds this has created brand new ones and bringing your kids this kind of trauma is not something anyone would want to do. I can’t imagine the kind of pain you are going through right now, but I’m glad that you will be seeking help from a counselor.
From the angle of your kids, I would want to know, I wouldn’t want this information kept from me. I would want to support my mom, because this kind of pain isn’t something she should go through alone. I also wouldn’t want 20 years to pass and find out about a sibling and know that my mom didn’t tell me. Obviously you would keep it from them to protect them, I just think keeping it from them will hurt them more in the long run.
Talk to your counselor about this and maybe have a family session to tell them this information.
If you were my mom, I’d want you to tell me so I could hug you; so we could move forward together.
I’d not want this to be your burden to bear alone.