#FamilyProblems #SisterInLaw #RelationshipAdvice
Dealing with family dynamics can be a challenging aspect of any relationship. When a husband decides to move his sister into the marital home without considering the impact on his partner, it can create tension and stress. If you find yourself in a similar situation where you feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to handle it, you are not alone. Here are some tips and advice on how to navigate through this difficult time:
Communication is Key:
– Express your feelings calmly and assertively to your husband. Let him know how uncomfortable and stressed you feel with the new living arrangement.
– Try to find a compromise that works for both of you. Perhaps his sister can stay for a shorter period or have certain boundaries in place to respect your space.
– Understand that cultural differences may play a role in his decision. Try to have an open and honest conversation about expectations and boundaries.
Seek Support:
– Talk to a therapist or counselor to help you navigate your emotions and find healthy coping mechanisms.
– Reach out to friends or family members for support and advice. Sometimes an outside perspective can offer clarity and guidance.
Set Boundaries:
– Establish clear boundaries with your husband and his sister regarding personal space, privacy, and expectations.
– Create a schedule or plan for household responsibilities to ensure that everyone feels valued and respected.
Self-Care is Essential:
– Take time for yourself to relax and recharge. Engage in activities that bring you joy and reduce stress.
– Practice mindfulness and meditation to help you stay grounded and focused during this challenging time.
Advice inspired by Bhagavad Gita:
– Remember the importance of detachment and letting go of expectations. Focus on your inner peace and well-being rather than external circumstances.
– Practice compassion and understanding towards yourself and others. Trust that everything happens for a reason and believe in the power of resilience and growth.
In conclusion, handling a situation where you feel like leaving due to a family conflict requires patience, communication, and self-care. Remember that your feelings are valid, and it’s essential to prioritize your mental and emotional health. By setting boundaries, seeking support, and practicing self-care, you can navigate through this challenging time with grace and resilience.
Nope, I’d be having a very firm “either she goes or I do” conversation. I felt suffocated just reading this – you must just wanna unzip your skin and crawl out of it.
Do you own or rent the house jointly? Why would he move in his sister without your consent? That’s extremely disrespectful.
Jeezy chreezy!!
It’s only been a week!!!!
Look for temporary housing. Make your point.
You should be saving money anyway. Everyone should have an ‘emergency’ money stash- preferably in the bank only under your name.
If you have a therapist, time to see them again .
Talk to your husband about how you feel.
Maybe he can go with you to see your therapist.
Try this first. If still not tolerable, discuss other possible solutions.
You need to have a conversation with him and tell him that you are considering leaving. That he knows your issues and he put his family before you and how you feel.
If he says it’s only for a few months then tell him you might not be around and if you are then his sister will always be in your space or your house and that is not acceptable.
He isn’t allowed to just move people in without you saying yes. He needs to move her out. It’s your home too. Stop cooking and cleaning for both of them.
OP since you rent.. what does your lease say about guests? Guessing it may break the lease having her there for as long as you mention she will be.
Also, agreeing to add a roommate or family remember into the household should be a two yes and one no kinda thing.
Tell him that he is lighting his wife on fire to warm his sister. Does he really want to throw away his marriage to make his sister a little happier? You will come to resent him for his choices, putting his wants before your needs.
You’ll need to have a frank discussion with him. Your marriage is for only 2 people. Your home is for those two people. All decisions require 2 yeses. One no is all it takes to stop any changes. If he cannot accept that, you will have to leave the relationship. A marriage will only work if you both build expectations and boundaries together… and stick to them. Marriage counseling might be of benefit to set the boundaries and expectations.
Change is needed. Tell him that he has to choose: your needs vs his wants. If he chooses his wants, his never going to see you as an equal partner, never consider you in his choices.
I’m the same way. I just can’t deal with somebody in my living space that isn’t a part of that space. It just feels like you are always on edge having to pretend to be a gracious host. You never feel alone. Your space doesn’t feel like it’s yours. You can never really relax.
Is she helping you guys at all? Because if she’s living there, she needs to step up until she moves out. And I’d really have a talk with your husband about speeding up the process because it doesn’t sound like it can viably last that long.
Is this permanent or temporary? Has he given you a timeframe for how long she will be staying?
This is your home too and you have every right to have a say in who lives with you.
Oh. This is your husband. I thought that it’s your bf. I’m shocked that he doesn’t know how you are. So he just assumes you’ll adjust because his sister will be staying for a few months?
And yes, I would have that safety saving started. Sometimes, you just have to do it.
Some cultures – mine included- are this way, you can’t explain it to him, he won’t understand. You need to make it a “me or her” situation. And then you have to be ready to act on it because he might actually choose her. Family bond is extremely important in some cultures and they might go as far as prefering blood relatives over the marriage bond, I’ve seen it over and over again unfortunately. Your husband has married you and he needs to understand that this means he can’t unilaterally impose his values anymore. Stop doing stuff around the house and move out if he doesn’t change his tune.
My husband is American and my culture is very family oriented but at least my family has the sense not to impose with this stuff because they understand he won’t be comfortable with it. Your husband’s family also needs to respect you in this.
Firstly, you’re *definitely not* the arsehole, but this isn’t that particular sub.
What he did – moving her in without your permission – is a shitty move on his part. Generally speaking, houseguests are a *’two yes, one no’* arrangement: you *both* have to agree to the guest staying, and if they are making you feel uncomfortable, you are perfectly justified in telling your partner you want them out. It’s for them to handle getting them out, if they invited them in the first place.
*”having to cook dinner for us & her”*
Why the hell are you doing all this?! Is your husband incapable of cooking for her? Is she incapable of cooking for herself? Are there 1950s traditional gender roles at play here? If she’s staying in your home free of charge, the very least she should be doing is pulling her weight with things like cooking and other household chores.
Every family is different. Some families are in each other’s business all the time. Others see each other once in a blue moon. Both of those are fine. It may be that there are cultural factors at play here, and families of his culture are that much more enmeshed than you are used to.
That does not in any way invalidate your position or concerns.
I used to work with a lady who lived a couple of streets from her adult children, and they would be constantly at her house, multiple nights a week. She’d be cooking dinners for extra people, looking after their kids (her grandchildren) on a regular basis, etc. etc.
But she loved it. And that’s her right.
The whole thing sounded like a nightmare when she described it to me. I see my sister about once every 3 months, for a couple of hours, then we go our separate ways. We exchange a few text messages each week, but nothing particularly deep or meaningful. And it’s fine. We’re both happy with our relationship.
*”I told my husband more times than I can count that this situation isn’t for me.”*
Did you actually tell him that you do not want her in your home? As in, bluntly and directly? Or did you skirt around the issue and hope that he’d take the hint?
You’re going to have to lay it all out to him and see how he reacts. That will determine what you want to do moving forward. If he brushes you off or gets angry, then it’s time to start looking for alternative housing arrangements and, I hate to say it, probably think about meeting a divorce lawyer. If he accepts your position, apologises for moving her in without your consent, and you then come up with a joint plan for getting her out, then there may be hope of salvaging things.
**You need to talk to each other.** Then plan your next moves according to his response.
You don’t want to hear this, but this may be the beginning of your husband’s family staying with you. I can’t tell you how many uncle’s, aunts, cousins, and my grandparents all stayed with us at some point when I was a child. We were the first place you stayed when you came to California or out west.
I frankly don’t know how my mom coped with all the people coming and going over about 13 years. It finally stopped when my parents bought a house and moved. It was like, oh, we don’t want to stay there.
I’m going to take a different approach. You are already in this situation, the would have, could have, and should have have already happened. You can’t change that. You have got a month of this awkwardness then it’s over, and things will be back to normal. My question is, are you willing to give up your normal permanently? Is it worth it, will you be losing more than what you’d gain in the short term? If you leave it is very possible it is a line you can’t uncross and he will not take you back.
you told him you didn’t want this but he did it anyway?? I would go stay at a hotel. If this isn’t the first time he’s seen your need for time spent away from social situations then I would be leaving. He can’t absolve his guilt with sacrificing you! He can meet his sister weekly for lunch if he wants to be in her life!
I love my husband’s brother but I was not fond of living with him! I am extremely private and introverted and it was rough. He moved out to stay with his girlfriend and we are all the happier for it!
How about you rent an Airbnb and have a mini staycation? But if she stays longer than the original expectation then I’d have a serious problem with him
What have you told him?
Does he know that if she stays, you leave?
Houseguests require the agreement of both partners. Your husband disregarded your feelings and acted like you have no say in your marriage.
I can’t speak for you, but that would be a deal breaker for me. A HUGE one.
This time it’s supposed to be just a few months. But his actions show you that he thinks he can do whatever he wants, no matter how much it hurts you. So what about the next relative? And the next?
So as an American married to someone who was born in Mexico whose family still perpetuates this and other cultural differences like this despite having been here for decades, I understand exactly what kind of position you’re in. This happened to me a few years ago where my in-laws lost their housing temporarily and split up among family members. My brother-in-law came to our house and, unbeknownst to me, their dog. I expressed my concerns to my husband beforehand and he felt that it would be temporary and we had the space. The dog thing just about stopped it in its tracks, but they sent the dog elsewhere when I made that a hard no. Within a couple weeks, I was also miserable. I am not neurodivergent, but his brother may be and definitely had never lived outside his parents’ home and really struggled with appropriate social cues. I would be in a common space, watching tv or listening to something, and he would walk in and start asking me questions that required my full attention without preamble. He didn’t cook or contribute to the household in any way. He started asking about having certain groceries. I did make him pay a minimal amount of rent to cover food and utilities. I was already in therapy thankfully at the time and my therapist and I quickly discovered that a lot of what was making it a no for me was that I was already dealing with the fact that my husband hadn’t totally learned how to be an adult yet, and then I had yet another adult manchild shoved into my space that I did not sign up for. He helped me articulate this to my husband in a way that was constructive and we made it through that brief period of time.
Similarly we have run into expectations about financial assistance between family members that is culturally expected, but has put a huge strain on our relationship. It’s taken him some time, but my husband has started to be able to see how sometimes helping family can be detrimental to the family we’ve created. Because I know he was raised with this mentality I try to give him some grace while still setting firm boundaries that I feel comfortable with.
I am half Mexican. Ima lay it down nice and straight for you: you cannot compete with a Mexican over their blood family. No way, no how. I have seen family members marry non-Mexicans and most of those marriages didn’t survive bc of the habit of Mexicans to be very involved in each others lives and invite family to move in. And we *love* to comment on other people’s relationships. My own parent’s marriage didn’t survive my Mexican mom’s parents moving in. You either need to find a way to deal with it, or expect an unpleasant fallout from this. You won’t win. He won’t put your first bc that risks making the family angry. I’m sorry. It’s purely cultural and not personal.
Honestly I am shocked that you haven’t had more people living with you sooner. At one point I remember we had my mom, my dad, my three siblings and I, my aunt, two uncles, and three cousins all living in a 3bedroom house in northern Cali. None of us minded except my dad, who was French and couldn’t understand why they couldn’t just move out. I get it now. It fucking sucks and I am the odd one out in my family bc I don’t loan money and I don’t let anyone move in. They now call me “guera” because I don’t look Mexican at all and I cleary don’t act Mexican either.
He never should have moved her in without your consent. However, you have an uphill battle with this as it is very much a Mexican cultural norm for family to live together. It’s what I’ve witnessed with neighbors and friends my entire life. You and your husband need to understand you’re asking incredibly difficult things of each other so you need to be empathetic with each other and recognize that this could be very, very hard on his relationship with his sister and the rest of his family for her to not be able to stay with you. He needs to recognize how much this is costing you and it’s not like it’s something you can just flip a switch on and be better.
It really would have been best if this was discussed and settled before you even moved in together let alone married, but obviously it’s too late for that. So again, empathy for each other is best. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your wellbeing in your own home but you may need to enlist the help of a counselor for you to find ways to cope and possibly anti-anxiety medication because I don’t think there’s going to be a quick and easy fix since you’ll still have to deal with her living down the street.
Maybe a solution would be for either you or her to regularly get an overnight out of the house, however often you can afford it. Are there any friends in the area she could stay with on occasion or you could if you can’t afford a hotel room or something?
Make sure you have your own space such as your bedroom and maybe a corner of the living room. You do not have to cook dinner for everyone. All of you are adults, all of you are capable of preparing meals. You also don’t have to eat together at each meal! As a member of the household or a houseguest, however she’s considered, she should be contributing somehow to lessen the burden of her being there.
Can you think of things you would like to be able to do in your home that you aren’t doing because she’s there? Maybe you could talk with them about it and how you are allowed to do those things and if she’s uncomfortable with it, she stays in her space? I’m assuming she has a room she’s staying in. This is just a silly example, but let’s say from 7-9 pm every Tuesday and Thursday night, you get to run around the house naked, tap dancing, and singing showtunes in the living room and she’ll stay in her room so you can do so freely and she isn’t allowed to complain about the noise. I’m assuming that’s not the thing you’re not doing, but you get the idea that you get set time to be yourself in your home and you get that complaint and witness free. It’s your home. You’re allowed to be yourself in it and what a counselor and possibly anti-anxiety meds could do is allow you to figure out how to be yourself in a home you have to temporarily share.
I don’t know how likely it is that there is somewhere else she could go, so that’s why I’m not pushing “kick her out now!” because I don’t know how feasible that is. It sounds like you don’t want to end your marriage over this, but something’s got to happen to make things better for you so you may have to get creative in making it happen and that’s something you are allowed to ask your husband and SIL for.
I feel like you need to know this: when your partner ignores your most fundamental stated boundaries; you need to take a stand. Don’t pretend you’re happy and polite about his sister moving in. Don’t repress your uncomfort and let the moment be suuuuper awkward for them. Be unwelcoming; she’s unwelcome. This advice will cause fights, but those are fights you need to have that you have a hard boundary that your home is your private sanctuary.
He will either back down and respect your needs/evict his sister and you two live happily ever after
Or
You realize that you have a fundamental incompatibility, and break up now before you entangle your lives further. Neither of you is at fault; his need to provide for extended family vs your need for absolute immediate family only – there is no possible compromise between the two, without resentment. And resentment is the death of a relationship.
All the people saying you should just put your foot down, that it’s your house and his moving someone in without asking you is unacceptable – they aren’t wrong. It sounds like you were clear that this arrangement was a real problem for you, and he just didn’t take your concerns seriously — now that the sister is here he is realizing, I suspect, that he should have taken those concerns more seriously.
I just want to add to the conversation that, as Americans, we place a high value on independence and the privacy of our space. My daughter in law is Mexican, and I have seen close up that the Mexican family doesn’t value this in the same way. For him to tell his sister “I have a spare bedroom/sofa/whatever, but you cannot live here for several months because we just don’t like it” is likely to be really quite shocking from his family’s perspective. It would be as shocking to the larger family as telling your 12 year old, “We really want our own space now, please find somewhere else to live.” Or to tell your husband “I want to be married but I don’t want to live together.”
I’m not saying you shouldn’t insist that some other arrangement be made. I’m not saying he was right to do this despite your objections. But these kinds of threads tend to be very black and white, and you should talk with your husband about this in the context of understanding that to simply tell her she has to leave (or to have told her she can’t come in the first place) would have put a LOT of family pressure on your husband, and undoubtedly made him feel much more guilty than you realize, because in the Mexican culture this just isn’t done.
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Being neurodivergent is only part of the problem. I understand the problems of neurodivergence. (The struggle is real, people!) I would assume that he understands your issues after this length of time? What concerns me the most is what your husband did. *He* moved his sister into your home … against your wishes! He made a unilateral decision about your home. Your safe place. Your oasis to recuperate from the world. You protested ‘more times than you can count’, and he… just ignored you?! That is really, really disturbing. He knows he shouldn’t do it, and he’s doing it anyway. He’s totally ignoring your needs. And is he just pretending it doesn’t matter? He knows he shouldn’t do it … but, oh well! Wtf. I absolutely don’t get that part. I don’t know how I would trust someone like that. It would make me question everything I thought I knew about our relationship and him. I mean… *huge* red flags.
I completely understand how you feel. I don’t like having people come stay with me either. Anything longer than a week makes me very uncomfortable. Your husband needs to have a clear game plan for getting his sister into her own place sooner than 5 months.