Thank you all so much for your helpful responses. I didn’t expect such thorough assistance. To provide some context for those who might have missed my initial question, I am seeking advice on how to not let other people’s opinions or beliefs about me affect my self-confidence and overall well-being. This is something many of us struggle with, as societal pressure and the fear of judgment can have a significant impact on our mental and emotional state.
Learning how to detach ourselves from what others say or believe about us is a transformative journey towards self-acceptance, peace of mind, and personal growth. It requires a combination of introspection, self-awareness, and the development of a resilient mindset. In this lengthy response, I will delve into various strategies and techniques that can aid in nurturing a sense of self-worth and disregarding external judgments.
1. Understand the Nature of Opinions:
First and foremost, it is crucial to recognize that opinions are subjective and can vary greatly depending on a person’s perspective, biases, and personal experiences. Each individual has a unique lens through which they view the world, and their opinions about you are influenced by this perspective. Understanding that opinions are not objective truths enables us to detach ourselves emotionally from them.
2. Embrace Your Authenticity:
Embracing your authentic self is essential in not giving a “f*ck” about what others say. Know your values, passions, strengths, and weaknesses. When you have a strong sense of self, external opinions hold less weight because you are secure in who you are and what you stand for. Remember, you are the only person living your life, so prioritize your own happiness and fulfillment rather than seeking approval from others.
3. Challenge Cognitive Distortions:
Cognitive distortions are irrational and negative thought patterns that can significantly impact our self-esteem. Common distortions include mind-reading (assuming we know what others are thinking about us), overgeneralization (drawing broad conclusions from isolated incidents), and filtering (focusing only on negative feedback while ignoring the positive). By challenging and replacing these distorted thoughts with more rational ones, we can reduce the impact of others’ opinions on our self-perception.
4. Cultivate Self-Compassion:
Practicing self-compassion and treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness is crucial. When we are kind to ourselves, we become less influenced by external criticism. Recognize that nobody is perfect, and it’s okay to make mistakes or have flaws. Embrace self-compassion as a powerful tool to counteract self-doubt and alleviate the importance of others’ opinions.
5. Surround Yourself with Positive Influences:
Surrounding ourselves with positive, supportive individuals who uplift us is paramount in developing a strong, healthy self-image. Seek out people who appreciate and value you for who you are, rather than those who constantly criticize or bring you down. Positive influences can provide an invaluable support system during moments of self-doubt and help reinforce your self-worth.
6. Develop Emotional Resilience:
Building emotional resilience is pivotal in not allowing others’ opinions to affect you deeply. Developing resilience involves understanding that setbacks, criticism, or negative opinions are temporary and do not define your worth. Cultivate emotional strength through practices such as gratitude, mindfulness, and finding healthy outlets for stress (e.g., exercise, journaling, or engaging in creative activities).
7. Practice Mindfulness:
Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present in the current moment without judgment. By focusing on the present rather than ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, we can reduce the impact of others’ opinions on our emotional well-being. Mindfulness allows us to observe thoughts and external judgments without getting caught up in them and helps cultivate a sense of inner peace and stability.
8. Seek Professional Help:
If negative opinions or beliefs from others are significantly impacting your mental health and well-being, seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor can be incredibly beneficial. A mental health professional can assist you in developing coping mechanisms, processing past experiences, and building resilience. Therapy offers a safe space to explore and challenge the negative narratives we may have internalized from others.
In conclusion, not giving a “fuck” about what others say or believe about us is a process that requires self-reflection, resilience, and self-compassion. By acknowledging the subjective nature of opinions, embracing our authenticity, challenging cognitive distortions, and cultivating self-compassion, we can liberate ourselves from the burden of others’ judgments. Surrounding ourselves with positive influences, practicing mindfulness, and seeking professional help when needed are additional tools in this journey towards self-acceptance and personal growth. Remember, your self-worth should never be dependent on the opinions of others. Embrace your uniqueness, value your own perspective, and live authentically.
I ask myself, “Do I *really* care what this one random person thinks?” and the answer is almost always no.
If you have no fucks to give, you, quite simply, will be unable to give a fuck.
The first step is to truly not give a fuck about what YOU say or believe about others. After that you’ll automatically project the same state of mind onto others. Give up on criticism.
Idk if this is the advice you’re looking for, but my key to healthy nihilism was becoming skilled at things and building the self confidence and self worth to brush off those comments
Is there a little bit of a superiority complex in there? Absolutely, but it has helped me thrive
“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil.”
-Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
This is how I do it. I remind myself that people are jerks because they don’t know any better. They have stories they tell themselves, but they don’t know me. They are not any closer to the truth. Why should I let thier uninformed opinion bother me?
Its easier said than done, but this a good approach to gossips, haters, and all the rest.
Have your own personal (positive) narrative for yourself. Once I realized I liked myself, I also realized I didn’t need external validation from others.
You wouldn’t care so much what other people think of you if you realize how rarely they do.
I mean they’re not thinking or talking about you. So realize that first.
I ask if I will care a year from now. Or will they even think of me a year from today.
IMO I only care about opinions that come from my inner circle like family and close friends. I don’t care what a work colleague or acquaintance thinks, and especially random internet strangers because they don’t know me so don’t have my best interests at heart. That’s what I’ve learned!
Get older, it really does fade with age & experience
Why does your happiness depend on others? Fuck them. You do you.
Maybe it’s an age thing? At 21 I cared more about what others said than I did later in life… now age 62 I really don’t care
I find that a near death experience can really bring into focus how inane most people’s opinions/thoughts are.
It’ll fade naturally as you get older, but if you’re looking for a shortcut, you should find what you like and own it.
You see a pair of red pants you wanna start wearing? Buy them and wear them. Proudly.
You like some music that other people have opinions on? Develop your own opinions and own them.
You may be cringe, but you’re free. That’s what being older feels like.
Think, “what you think of me is none of my business.” We mostly think it’s bad if people cut us down, but it can also be manipulative if people say nice things like ‘I’m proud of you.’ Ok if it’s your family but some people tell you nice things about yourself to set you on a path they like. I don’t say my phrase to people but I do evaluate who says things and try to figure if they are sincere. As independent thinkers we don’t need praise or condemnation from anyone. We can live and figure out our lives without input from the peanut gallery.
Honestly? Have a rock-solid support system of people who like and believe in you. This allows hateful people’s comments (like >!”nobody cares what you think” or “you’re unlovable” or “everyone thinks you’re X”!<) to slide off like water, because you have straight-up irrefutable evidence that they’re wrong.
What other people think of me is none of my business.
I have zero control of what other people think, and that’s ok. Just be you, let others worry about themselves.
And most people think about you less than you think about them.
There’s a technique to focus on the bigger picture when dealing with people day-to-day. Ask yourself if this interaction will matter in 5 days, 5 months, 5 years? You get tongue tied or mess up a handshake; definitely won’t matter in 5 days. You make a mistake at work; probably won’t matter in 5 months. You punch someone in the face; might still matter in 5 years. Don’t punch people.
This may not be a pro tip but, just live long enough to be old.
I turn 60 in a couple of weeks and I am pretty much out fucks to give. I get not everyone likes me. Some do, and that is more than enough.
No matter WHAT you do. People will ALWAYS have an opinion. Just have good intentions and find safety in that.
Don’t worry about what you can’t control…
I remind myself to not take criticism from people I wouldn’t take advice from.
It’s not a bad thing to care a bit about what some people think. It’s knowing where to draw the line that’s important. If you truly value a friendship or relationship, you may want someone to think well of you. If someone is mean and not respectable themselves, then you shouldn’t put a lot of stock into what they think of you.
I realized the only reason others ill opinions of me upset me because I believed they had truth to them to some degree. When you realize most people speak from a place of only their understanding of the world, you begin to see how little that actually encompasses. People are quick to point out the flaws in you that they hate in themselves. Most judgements, especially uninformed judgements, are judgements of themselves. Also, miserable people love to make others miserable with them cause if they wake up unhappy every day, why shouldn’t you?
As soon as you realize everyone talks shit and then go on to lead their lives without thinking of you again .. that’s when you learn to give zero fucks
At a certain point in life you will internalize that the criticisms of strangers or people who you don’t greatly value in your life mean very little (there are exceptions if you do something egregious).
The criticisms that carry more weight will come from people you respect or care about.
It’s not a good goal to be totally indifferent to any criticism, this creates a situation where you put on blinders to potential faults you may have. But taking each criticism with the same weight will leave you frustrated and confused.
Time and introspection should help smooth out those bumps. Be patient with yourself, and kind to others along the way.
Eye contact. Look them dead ass in the face and fart. Assert dominance.
You need to know yourself and have confidence in who that person is.
I’m 6+ feet tall, if someone told me I was 5 feet tall I would think they are the ones who are off. The same can be done with your hidden traits. If you’re hard working for example and someone thinks you are lazy and you have a track record of working hard and believe you are a hard worker they just seem wrong.
It only hurts when part of you believes them.
Question their motives… most of the time, people lash out because of their issues, not yours. I often end up pitying people who are unpleasant to me.
I have learned that what other people say about me is none of my business. If it gets back to me from some one who’s opinon I do care about like my wife or gets brought to the table, then I’ll deal with it. My first question is not going to be “Who told you that?”. It will be “and why did you believe that?”. The point being, if you know me well enough that I care what you think, then you should now I would not do that.
Grow older.
The older you get, the more you realize that everyone is too busy with their own insecurities to give two figs about you.
That mixed with it just… not really mattering anymore. You’ll face some tragedies/”failures” that put things into better perspective, and things will shift in you, making you realize what’s important, and how little (and seemingly petty) others judgments are.
Because mixed with those tragedies and failures will be personal victories others couldn’t comprehend. You’ll know better who you are and what you’ve accomplished, rendering judgments against you… well, laughable.
After learning about the horrendous opinions people have formed about me over the years, based on rumors and speculation alone…I’ve just gotten tired of it. Exhaustion is a good way to kill off all your fucks to give.
And even if I did everything I could to change their minds, there are some that wouldn’t. Simply because they don’t want to. It’s not worth your time or energy to care what they think, and it says more about them than about you.
Think about all the things you did that was embarrassing. Many right? Now think of all the embarrassing things one person you know did. Zero or one correct? No one is thinking that much about you, I promise
I used to get my feelings hurt. I sometimes catch myself worrying about what people think. I’ve come to realize over the years that i know I’m trying to be a good person. I fall short sometimes. That’s for me to work through.
I guess it really changed when this guy told me he hated me (we were romantic rivals so to speak.) And i just said “I’m okay with that.” It really impacted my thinking. I have to be okay with me. The rest can really just move along.
Quit believing they have a right to judge you.
What do you believe about yourself? Be open to feedback, but ultimately, know the truth about yourself. Eventually, the opinions of others don’t matter so much.
I am always open to constructive criticism and feedback. But over time I’ve learned to filter projection from feedback. Most of what people say is literally just projection. If you can see past that and understand they’re likely just talking about themselves and seeing you through their own filter of life, it gets significantly easier to come back to your center, your understanding of yourself.
Having firm boundaries with yourself and having a good grip on your ability to mentally and emotionally regulate yourself all go hand in hand with liking yourself. If you like you, if you can be there for you, if you can understand that you’ve got you, then what others think of you literally becomes a passing thought.
Pronoia is the opposite of paranoia. Pronoia is the belief that the world and everyone in it is conspiring FOR you. If someone doesn’t like you, that’s just fine and you don’t need them anyway. Leave them be. Just remember that you like you. And people that DO like you will come spend time with you sooner than later. Trust that, always.
All that said, radical honesty with yourself about your strengths AND your shortcomings, coupled with inner work, is necessary for maximum confidence and self love.
Good luck, deep breaths, you got this