I’m really sorry to hear about the difficult situation you’re facing. Discovering that your spouse has been cheating is a deeply painful experience, especially when you’re about to give birth. It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed right now.
First and foremost, it’s important to prioritize your own well-being and the well-being of your baby. You have the right to feel safe and supported during this time. If your husband has been physically abusive towards you, it’s crucial to reach out for help. Consider contacting local domestic violence organizations or hotlines that can provide you with guidance, support, and resources for your situation.
Regarding your concerns about handling the birth and raising your child alone, know that you are stronger than you think. Many single parents have successfully raised children on their own, and you can too. It may be helpful to seek emotional support from family, friends, or even professional counselors or therapists. They can provide a source of strength, guidance, and practical help during this challenging time.
As you mentioned, you are also considering placing your child for adoption. This is a deeply personal decision that only you can make. It’s important to take the time to explore all options and consider what would be best for you and your baby in the long run. Adoption agencies and counselors can provide information and support to help you navigate this decision-making process. They can also guide you through the legal aspects of adoption if you decide it is the right choice for you.
When it comes to interacting with healthcare professionals during your labor and delivery, it’s important to remember that they have likely encountered many different family situations and dynamics. They are there to support you without judgment and to ensure the best possible care for you and your baby. If you’re not comfortable disclosing the details, you can simply inform them that you will be the primary support person during the birth.
Regarding your husband’s absence, it’s difficult to predict what his intentions are or if he will return. While it may be tempting to hope for his involvement, it’s important to focus on building a support network for yourself and your baby, whether it’s through family, friends, or community resources. It’s essential to surround yourself with individuals who can provide emotional and practical support during this challenging time.
Considering your professional background, you hold considerable potential for future stability and success. Your educational qualifications and experience can open up various opportunities for career growth. Although it may seem daunting to balance work and child-rearing responsibilities, remember that countless parents have successfully managed this juggling act. Investigate local resources for childcare assistance, such as daycare centers or reputable babysitters, which can provide you with the flexibility needed to pursue your career goals.
In terms of the material possessions left behind by your husband, such as the guitars, it could be worth considering selling them to generate additional income or to help finance any immediate expenses you may have. Websites, local music stores, or classified ads can be good avenues for selling high-end musical instruments.
It’s natural to feel overwhelmed and uncertain about your future right now. Take this opportunity to focus on yourself and your baby. Seek out supportive resources and individuals who can guide you through this challenging situation. Remember, you don’t have to navigate this alone. With time, patience, and support, you will find the strength to move forward and create a positive future for yourself and your child.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I would call the hospital to ask to speak to a patient resource representative to let them know what you’re going through. You will want to be up front with your doctor and nurses so they understand your emotional state so they can better monitor the baby. I know a lot is going through your head right now but let the focus be on your birth and your child for right now. Next I would call your local county public assistance office to see about making an appointment to determine what resources are available for childcare, food, and housing. I would also call your school to see if there are assistance programs you can use.
If you’ve been planning to be a mother to this child your entire pregnancy do not give them up for adoption. This is your child and you do have other resources. You’re a grown woman and not a teenager. You can do this. Call a friend or family member to come support you in the hospital.
As for your scumbag husband. Take him for everything he is worth.
He seems like a real keeper. NOT.
So sorry you have to face this kind of shitty behavior right now.
Don’t decide anything on the adoption now, you’re all over the place emotionally because of the pregnancy and his truly outrageous and shitty behavior. The adoption you can decide later on if it feels right for you.
Try to concentrate on one thing at a time. First the labor. Then other things, one at a time.
And his behavior to you physically is criminal, so..
I’d use the hospitals “support personnel” (or whatever they have there), explain what happened and take it from there.
REMEMBER, YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG AND HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
Start with this. Your only concern in this very moment is the well being of your baby and yourself. Forget everything else, including your husband, until you feel grounded again.
To that end, is there anyone, family or friend, that you trust with this, who can offer some stability and emotional support? If so, they’re your first call. Set aside any worries about causing trouble, inconvenience or whatever. If you can’t ask for help for yourself, do it for your baby. You need a village, honey. It sounds like he took you away from your village. You can’t hop a plane to Georgia at 40 weeks, but someone can come to you. Hell, I’d go to you right now and I don’t even know you, because you’ve got so much right now you need help.
Don’t think about big decisions or long term issues right now. Focus on happy, healthy baby girl. Your baby girl. Why are you being induced? Elective or health reasons? 40 weeks isn’t overdue. If the induction was a planned elective, call and reschedule, even a few days. As overwhelmed as you feel right now, I’m sorry to tell you it will feel WAY bigger after baby is born. Hormone changes, going through it alone etc. Tell your doc’s office your husband disappeared and you need to find a birthing coach or doula. They will not force you to do it. In fact, if your OB has a brain s/he won’t want to induce while your body is flooded with all this cortisol and other stress hormones. Let them help you find an alternative. They may even have doulas to recommend. Don’t do it alone unless you have no choice.
If your induction is for emergent health reasons (pre-eclampsia, liver in danger etc) your doctor still needs to know you’re in a fragile state. This will affect your physical labor, no question. They should be prepared.
If you can take a few days, get someone to come stay with you. Your mom? Sister? BFF?
After you have that part figured out, only then turn your attention to next. If you fear your husband may cause trouble, yes you should notify police. Make them LISTEN. You need as much advocacy as you can get. If finances etc are a problem, contact your church, social services, women’s support services – basically any organization. This is not the time for false pride. Let those who can help, do so.
You’re strong. Anyone who can move across the country, work, maintain a pregnancy to term and take stock of the situation so well has strength. Adoption shouldn’t be something done in panic. You’ll regret, unless you take time now to be sure what you want. In the mean time there are support services for single moms. Use them.
Good luck to you! Keep breathing!
It is ok to place baby up for adoption if that is what you want. The hospital will be able to put you in contact with adoption services and they will proved you with counseling so you can make a proper decision.
Best wishes and I am so sorry he turned out to be such an AH
I would also suggest you call a friend or family member. If you don’t have the energy to tell them the whole Story, just say “I’m due to give birth in x hours and my husband is nowhere to be found and I expect he won’t be back in time. I’ll tell you story some other time, but right now I really need help. Can you come ASAP and maybe stay a few days?”
Then you focus on giving birth. Ask the hospital for information on adoption if you want. But I would not make that decision right then and there. Give yourself some time to think it through. It doesn’t make any difference for the baby if you give it up for adoption right away or wait a few days or weeks
Let your emotions and hormones calm down a bit and then decide what the best course of action is.
Please take some big deep breaths.
Call any and all people you know and love and know would offer you support. Tell them what happened and try to get them too you ASAP.
Call your doctor and explain that you’re trying to get a support person too you ASAP, and see if there is any flexibility in your induction time to accommodate them getting in. *(Additional medical thing: ask for a STD/STI panel, so you can keep yourself and the baby safe)*
**There is nothing for you to feel ashamed of! You were a woman living with her husband, living the life you made vows to live.** You cannot be held accountable for his actions. *So please release that!*
What he’s done is beyond the scope of inconsiderate, and he has proven himself to be **dangerous!** I know that you’re not interested in having the law involved, but you are a pregnant woman about to be a woman with an infant which are two communities **incredibly prone to partner violence because of the extreme vulnerability.** He has already acted physically violently. Please tell someone. Even nurses/your doctor when you call.
Please prioritize yourself, your support needs, your physical safety, and your baby. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this at all.
It’s important to get that physical assault on the record. It will be needed for the divorce and potential custody battle. Adoption isn’t a terrible thing, but you wait until the baby is born to decide.
In the short space of time you have before induction you need to seek help. Do you have a safe place to live? Do you need a social worker or
Assume this violent abusive neglectful man is out of the picture and file papers to keep it that way. Document the infidelity, constant marijuana use, which makes him an unstable parent and partner (in the same way an alcoholic would be) the assault and abandonment. It’s time to protect yourself and your child.
I wouldn’t make any rash decisions re. adoption yet, you don’t need this person to bring up a child with. Make sure the child has your surname. You can make that decision later, therer are more pressing concerns.
Tell the labour and delivery nurses that he’s MIA and abusive. You don’t want him showing up randomly and being disruptive, your health is at stake here.
You don’t have a choice here:
‘ *I can’t even discuss this with the court or police I don’t want any trouble. I just want this to never have happened.’* it has happened. Now you have to look after yourself. This man doesn’t sound safe. Who the fuck pushes a 40 week pregnant woman around and then abandons her.
*He said everyone would hate him if he talked about me being pregnant so he hid it from everyone he knew.*
Was this not a red flag? Sounds like this man has been abusive throughout. The police could stop him from returning and attacking you and/or the baby. He’s made sure no-one knows about you. PLEASE activate any support network you have. You have nothinhg to be ashamed of.
you tell your medical people the truth. tell them what you told us and ask to talk to the hospital social worker. they will be able to help you navigate this situation, but i do think you should change the locks on your home before you leave for the hospital and ideally get someone to house sit for you. he might come back and take all of your things
“PhD in behavioral health”
if you are at the TCSPP, dm me.
Being a single parent is scary, giving birth knowing you’re going it alone is a daunting task but please don’t let his absence be what makes the decision whether you keep your child or not. It sounds like adoption is a knee jerk reaction in this specific case and I can tell you from experience raising a kid alone is a million times easier than with someone who is abusive and shitty.
Contact a lawyer and speak with the social worker at the hospital. You don’t have to share details about anything you don’t want too. Nobody is going to look at you differently or judge you because he’s not there. Do you have a family member or friend that can be with you?
I would liks to add that this kid will forever link you to him, even if he stays MIA forever, this baby (who will one day turn into an adult) will forever be a reminder.
If you really feel deep insids that you can’t do it, then don’t do it at all — talk to your doctors, fjnd a lawyer, try the quickest contact whit a couple who has been waiting and wanting to parent.
Keep all your possibilities open, all of them are valid — just don’t put yourself through any more pain, you truly don’t deserve it.
I know this doesn’t help in the short term but in the long term, you should know that many school districts offer reduced or near free childcare for employee’s children.
You can do this. You’re strong he’s weak. Plus for adoption he has to sign the paperwork. If he comes crawling back don’t take him back. Divorce him and make him pay child support
Be honest with the hospital. Tell them everything. They can provide someone to talk to you about your options. Do you have any family who can come out to help you?
Giving your baby for adoption is a huge permanent decision that you shouldn’t be making under such duress.
Right now focus 100% on the birth, see how you feel after when it comes to adoption. You have time to make that choice. All you need to do is focus on getting through the birth. I know you want to put it off, but I say embrace the epidural and ask if you can also have laughing gas and get it done. you’re not going to feel significantly better in a couple days, at least now you may be partially in shock which can help you in a way.
On a personal level. I’m so sorry. Being cheated on sucks and when it’s at your most vulnerable time it’s even worse. If it helps, everyone here hates your husband too.
Depending on your state of residence, you won’t be able to put the baby up for adoption without your husband signing off as he has equal rights as a parent as soon baby is born. You can reach out to a lawyer to find out, but social services at the hospital will likely be your best resource for now.
For now, just focus on your upcoming birth and lean on anyone you can (like close friends or family). Your birth is urgent and I would just focus on that.
First call your family or a friend so you can have someone there with you. Be honest with the hospital staff. They’re not going to judge you. They can also help you sign up for whatever benefits you and your baby qualify for. Lastly those guitars are not your best resource. Your best resource is your brain. You’re smart. You can figure out a more practical way to earn money. Tutoring maybe? Any work from home job?
Just an FYI, your husband would need to sign off on adoption. He is 46. He is never growing up and may not sign off on adoption just to make your life harder.
I only have one tip that I can really give here.
Don’t make a decision regarding the baby for at least a week. Don’t do it while this is still so fresh, or there’s a very real possibility that you could come to regret it later.
Just take one step at a time. Personally I was glad I didn’t delay my induction because the nonstress test indicated the baby’s heartbeat was skipping and he needed out. Consult with your doctor and be honest.
It sounds like your husband’s behavior fits a lot of markers for abuse and perhaps narcissistic personality disorder. My ex sat on the couch after work for hours smoking pot for a few months, then later started cheating- it’s all to fill that emptiness inside. Unfortunately one of the emptiness fillers is abuse.
While you can divorce and leave, he may get custody rights. For this reason, when you can, you should definitely file a police report and document the drug use somehow. This is to protect your child from him in the future.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It will get better. I’m not sure about how easy it is to place a child up for adoption without your husband’s consent. However if you keep your child, I can tell you I don’t know any woman- single or married- who regrets having her child.
I will pray for the both of you. Be strong, you can and will get through this.
Focus on having this baby. Ask the hospital staff if there are sources to help you. Do you have family or friends? Ask them for assistance. It will all be okay even if you have to be a single parent.
Get an attorney. Don’t drag your feet. Get an attorney that’s aggressive. Worry about the rest later.
Call the police!
„He hid the pregnancy from everyone“ sounds really scary. From your description, he never really seems to have been onboard with the pregnancy or a partner at all. I’m so sorry you have to go through this but you really need someone in your corner! Get help! Don’t lie to the medical staff! Nobody will think badly of you!
Get a restraining order, an attorney, and someone you can trust to stay with you while you are physically vulnerable and a divorce.
Let everyone know what is going on for your safety.
Get an attorney. Get a restraining order and sole custody of your baby. Then move back home to Georgia so you have family/friends to help you. It will be hard. But you can do this!
Just focus on you and the birth of your baby.
Are there family members who can come stay with you for the first week or two?
File a police report. You can use it in divorce proceedings.
You’ve been alone this whole pregnancy, he’s finally just physically gone, which honestly sounds like a huge improvement. You are so much better off without him and so is your daughter. You definitely don’t want him modeling what to look for in a partner.
Take some deep breaths, focus on that beautiful little baby girl that needs you like you’ve never been needed before and love her. She’s going to love you unconditionally.
Do you have any friends that can come stay with you for a week when you’re out of the hospital? It’s time to lean on friends and family.
Talk to a social worker at the hospital, they can get you the resources you’ll need.
Be strong! You’ll get through this and you’ll come out better on the other side. I’m sending you the biggest hug right now. There’s lots of single parents out there. Maybe adoption is the right option for you but I don’t think you’ve had enough time to really consider this. Take your time.
Do you think you can handle giving the baby up for adoption? Because he is the type of guy that will disappear and you will get no support ever, until 10 years down the road when he starts harassing you… Of course I’m speculating but it’s not like we don’t see this kind of stuff a lot! It’s highly unlikely that he will let himself be found to pay for child support. So even if you get an order for support, you’ll be chasing him for 18 years or more because he will keep moving jobs or cities or even countries. Alimony you may get for a short amount of time before he runs.
Just to unravel some of what you said… He didn’t want to tell anybody about the baby because he didn’t want the baby, and also if you would have posted stuff online with him the people he was cheating on you with would have seen it. I was married to this type of guy, they have entire different lives and we’re only on the outside of them…. They can manage to add girls they’re hooking up with the social media and somehow those girls won’t tell us! It’s crazy with these charismatic guys can get away with.
Never be afraid to tell the truth about somebody abusing you. If you would have called the authorities that day, you’d know exactly where he’d be because it would be jail! You can still go to the authorities and get a PFA, a protection from abuse order. This will keep him away from you for a length of time depending on where you live, but you can often extend them after the time is up. This would be best because if you keep the baby he’s really going to get violent! And if you don’t keep it, he still might get violent when he comes to get the rest of his stuff or has to see you in court… So it’s best you have a protection order.
Good luck and I am so sorry you’re going through this!
So sorry for your troubles but you need to set some vital wheels in motion. First call the police and file a report about the abuse. That’s going to make a huge difference in your options going forward. Call a friend or family member and give them the short version and ask if they can come. Call the labor unit and tell them you need to postpone your induction; this much stress will mess it up anyway. Get them to transfer your call to their social worker and leave a message to meet with them and discuss your options. Realistically, you can’t make the adoption decision without your husband’s consent, so a social worker can help you with your options. Don’t pawn the high-end guitars because you won’t get enough for them; if they were purchased during your marriage, get your family member to sell them on eBay or Marketplace if your lawyer says it’s ok to sell them.
>I can’t even discuss this with the court or police I don’t want any trouble.
Sweetheart you’re past that, you are actively IN TROUBLE. You need an outside authority to help get you OUT of trouble. If your husband gets in trouble it’s because of his violent actions towards you, his pregnant wife. Forget “don’t want trouble”, you know what that gets you? More matrimonial abuse. You need someone around who actually loves you me wants the best for you. Can you call family or a friend to join you? You don’t need to be alone, even if that’s still a better choice than to be with your husband.
Definitely don’t skip the induction. Baby could be stillborn or you could die. Blood pressure is no joke. Talk to the hospital social workers. They will provide you with resources
Change the locks, sell all his shit, and focus on you and the baby. Might as well file for divorce and get the child support rolling because that man sounds like absolute trash.
CONTACT PHD PROGRAM DEPARTMENT DIRECTORS! Universities sometimes have grants or other aid for students in need, and particularly for new mothers. My department had paid maternity leave on the condition that you returned and completed your PhD.
Even if you’re considering adoption, if keeping the baby is a THOUGHT, make sure you get child support. It’s often more money than you think. Also get a lawyer asap. It might be a lot to do while pregnant but it has to be done.
The hospital will get a social worker for you to talk to. They’ll give you your support options for keeping baby and information on adoption if that’s something you’re seriously considering, too. Ask to speak with them ASAP, as they can help you navigate whether to place him on the birth certificate. He had rights regardless when it comes to adoption. He may not even want the child but I wouldn’t put it past him to mess with it given how crappy of a human he is.
Adoption is a good option.