Are you worried about your aging parent’s growing debt and lack of employment opportunities?
#elderlycare #financialplanning #jobsearch
Understanding the Situation
– Is your elderly parent struggling with overwhelming debt?
– Are they currently unemployed or facing challenges finding a job?
– How can you support and guide them through this difficult time?
Exploring Solutions
– What financial resources and assistance programs are available for elderly individuals?
– How can you help your parent manage their debt and find stable employment?
– What steps can be taken to secure their financial future and well-being?
Seeking Professional Advice
– Should you consult with a financial advisor or credit counselor?
– Are there legal implications or options to consider in addressing your parent’s debt?
– How can you ensure the best outcome for your parent’s financial situation?
Let’s work together to navigate this challenging situation and provide the support your elderly parent needs. #supportingagingparents #financialwellness
This isn’t your situation to navigate. Your mother is a competent adult and can make the changes required in her life to be able to afford it.
You should not jeopardize your finances to help your mother – go through your budget and determine what amount of financial assistance you’re willing and able to give, and then don’t give more than that.
You are not wrong. sounds like she needs to sell the house , use the proceeds to pay off debt and rent a studio apartment that she can afford. Sibling will need to figure out something else
As soon as I read that she is unwilling to sell one of her cars, I knew I could tell you that if she won’t help herself, why should you help her? Then your whole last paragraph said “you need to let go of whatever guilt you have and take care of yourself”.
You’ll just bang your head against the wall with her. And you don’t owe her anything. She’s choosing all of this from the sounds of it.
Wash your hands of it and don’t feel compelled to financially support her.
If you feel you *must* do something I recommend that you pay for her to have a one hour consult with a qualified financial advisor. They can tell her how effed she is.
It’s admirable that you want to help your Mom, but I wonder if she can really hear and accept advice from YOU, her child. Perhaps the best way to help your Mom might be to help her find a financial or debt counselor who can help her see and accept reality and choose a path (and a budget) moving forward. A person who is avoiding reality can never create an effective plan. Be wary of throwing your financial bricks into the Grand Canyon of Debt she has accumulated. You cannot fix this, though you may be able to budget some amount monthly to help her enjoy some luxuries outside of her budget. Until she actually has a budget, you should stay on the sidelines. Best of luck to you
What is the market value of her house?
Your mom sounds like she has some decisions to make. This is not on you to solve. She’s had years of the knowledge. You can help with suggestions, maybe point her to some social supports she could use. But on the whole she needs to solve her problems by selling the car and house and getting a job and cutting off non-working adult dependents. She should also seek some sort of credit counselling. You are not responsible for her bad judgement.
I know it is obvious, but just let me stress, do not sign anything with/for her. No loans or mortgages or cars or anything. Do not tie yourself into her finances in any way. Keep taking care of yourself, that is your only job.
Your mom has 3 fair options to help herself- sell the car, kick the sibling out unless they contribute financially, and get a job- she’s not willing to do any of these things. You really can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themself.
This isn’t your responsibility, your mom made many many poor financial decisions to end up in this mess. If jeopardize your financial future you’re just repeating her poor money decisions, break the cycle- she needs to get it together.
This is not your problem.
Even worse than your 70yr old mom is the sibling whom your mom is supporting that “quit their job +5yrs ago & is unwilling to work”. Any money you may choose to give your mom will be directly benefitting your deadbeat sibling. Your mom cannot afford to fund her own life, let alone someone else’s, esp considering it sounds like your sibling is able but unwilling to work. (If they were in my orbit they’d both be on their own)
Take care of you.
Help yourself by letting them figure their own way out of this mess.
Absolutely don’t sell the house unless to downsize even then it’s very expensive both buying homes and rent. $43,000 left on her mortgage is really good. The high utilities is high but still cheap compared to renting a 1 or 2 bedroom is over a thousand dollars. Can she rent out a room or 2 to make extra income?
Also why does she need 2 cars. if she can’t give up one car at her age and sibling isn’t or not willing to help out there is no reason for you to get caught up in her Choices you may have to help out your sibling once she passes depends on why she is not working. Is it because she does not want to work or have mental or physical issues she can’t work. If cause she doesn’t want to work then yeah you need to let your mother and sibling work it all out and live your life. Take your mother to lunch once a month or something but yeah if she doesn’t want your help there is nothing you can do
I would suggest bankruptcy, but with her being unwilling to go down to 1 car that is not possible. You are not required to fix the problems of those who treated you poorly in the past. She is unwilling to help herself and there is an able-bodied person sitting right in her house who could solve her problems. I think you just make your suggestions and dip out, and above all DO NOT GIVE HER ANY MONEY, EITHER LUMP SUM OR MONTHLY.
>She is only willing to consider applying to part time, fully remote jobs that require very basic computer or clerical skillsÂ
You’ve probably already pointed out, but a job that matches this description would A) not pay very much and B) have hundreds if not thousands of applicants. It’s like the unicorn of part time jobs.
>That coupled with her unwillingness to consider realistic job opportunities make me very reluctant to jeopardize my own financial future by giving her a significant amount of money each month. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Absolutely not. This is very much a “you made your bed, now lie in it” situation. Her credit card debt, profligate spending on vehicles, and overall inability to grasp the reality of her situation indicate that even if you gave her $100k she’d probably be in the same boat within a year or two. There’s essentially nothing you can do to change her behavior.
Sell both the cars! Get rid of those credit card debts and destroy all but one credit cards.
Is driving the only way to get around? No bus? No senior shuttle? Not walkable? If she’s not working, hard to see the need for one car, let alone two.
And please, OP, don’t jeopardize your future to bail her out.
Around here, she could easily find a job as a cashier or store clerk. Many of these places are paying $17/hr or more. 20 hours a week is something like $1250/mo after basic taxes.
Your Mom could sell the house,sell a car, kick out your sibling, insist your sibling work and contribute, and/or get a part time job. But she’s not going to do any of that.
Since Mom isn’t doing anything to help herself, you shouldn’t try to help. Your help would just be wasted.
None of this is your problem to solve. Walk away with a clear conscience.
Don’t give her a dime. It will make your already strained relationship worse.
Someone in that situation has some very simple straightforward options.
– sell the 20k car
– find any work possible that they are physically and mentally capable of (able to, not comfortable with)
– if needed, sell the house for the equity.
The situation isn’t that dire. Getting rid of a car payment and finding a job should cover the expenses. If they’re unwilling to do this then that’s on them, not you.
Bearing their financial burden is not written on some official offspring contract. They had 52 years of adult life to prepare for this.
If she is unwilling to sell a car, then it’s probably not going to work. Stop trying to help if she isn’t able to understand how finances work. One needs to learn how to live within their budget
Good god. Cut these people out of your life. Don’t let them manipulate you with emotional appeals. They could turn it around by getting real jobs and selling assets, but they won’t do that. They are stubborn and lazy and that’s not your fault. Don’t let them drag you down with them.
Your mother’s poor financial choices are her responsibility, not yours. Please do not jeopardize your financial future throwing good money after bad. She’s a big girl who got herself into this mess ( and allowed your sibling along for ride) let her get out of it. You giving her any amount of money each month will not fix this and will only prolong her irresponsible choices. She needs to look into bankruptcy
Walk away. This is negative amounts your problem. Your lazy sibling can figure out how to fix this if they don’t want to end up homeless; if they don’t bother, likely adult protective services will eventually step in and get your mom into an elder care home. Simply stop responding to their messages/calls/etc., stop visiting, stop feeling guilty about something that’s not IN ANY WAY your job to fix, spend the time you’ve been letting your mom leech out of you on finding yourself a therapist, and move on with your life.
This is a parasitic flailer. They can declare bankruptcy. This is not your problem.
I sense going no contact in your future.
After reading some of the details this is a wash your hands and walk away situation. She is not willing to make the necessary changes until the changes are forced upon her.
A valid option would be to declare bankruptcy or at least discuss it
She can help herself, but she chooses not to. If you give her money, she’ll just throw it away.
It’s your life, but I don’t think you should offer up any money to her. She is fully capable of getting out of this mess, but won’t lift a finger to do it… yet. You can’t make her do anything. And you shouldn’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
She won’t sell a car and insists on supporting another adult who refuses to work? Not your circus, not your circus, not your monkeys.
Mom, I cannot help you with anything other than advice which you are unwilling to accept so we won’t be having any more conversations about money or finances.
Every time she tries to bring it up-Have you sold the car yet and told sib she must pay rent? No? Then we aren’t discussing this.
ANd for good measure-done set yourself on fire for an arsonists amusement
If you want to keep being abused…then lend them money.
If you want to be free…let them figure it out. They will go bankrupt and have to get a rental. The deadbeat sibling will need to get a job and help pay the rent.
Pay for an hour for a financial planner to lay it out for her. Don’t enable this and let her bleed your future dry.
>My mom was very abusive to me growing up, so we have had an extremely negative relationship my entire life. That coupled with her unwillingness to consider realistic job opportunities make me very reluctant to jeopardize my own financial future by giving her a significant amount of money each month. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Nope. The solution is simple: not your problem. Walk away from it. Your mom is a grown ass adult and can accept the consequences of decades of decisions; you don’t owe it to her to now absolve her of a lifetime of poor decision-making.
Friend, at 26, do not take on the guilt of poor choices made by your mother and sibling. Whatever happens to them financially is NOT your fault!
Be so proud that you aren’t a financial drain. You can help them with advice and maybe natural consequences will do the rest.
She has to get serious about money 40 yrs ago. Is more concerned with her image than being a responsible adult. She and your sibling can get jobs to bring in the money. And sell the freaking cars! I’m 74 retired, live in a nice house with husband and drive a 2010 car it runs good 👍 not wasting money for show. Good luck
>Any advice on how to go about navigating this situation financially would be greatly appreciated.
Decouple yourself entirely and wash your hands with the parent and the sibling. They are not willing to change in order to prevent themselves becoming homeless means they have a backup plan, and that plan is 100% your house. Unless you are going to pay all of these bills yourself, there’s nothing you can do. Leave them to it and don’t let them ruin your life too.
Do not help her by paying for her or your sisters stuff. Help her apply to consolidate loans and make suggestions but absolutely do not pay her debt
She can sell her house and a car. Period. Don’t give her money.
She won’t learn until she hits rock bottom. She won’t hit rock bottom if you catch her though, she’ll keep doing it until you can’t catch her anymore and you both fall. Is she worth the sacrifice? By your own admission, she’s clearly not. Let the fool fall on her ass.
It doesn’t sound like there’s anything you can do in this situation. Neither your mom nor your sibling are willing to take any basic steps to fix their situation, and it would be foolish to put your own future in jeopardy to help people who won’t help themselves. The most you can do is try to connect them with resources, but it’s their responsibility to navigate them and make a plan. Just try to set healthy boundaries for yourself and don’t let them guilt-trip you straight down into the same hole with them.Â
Realistically both cars need to be sold and she needs to get a beater. Then use the money she gets from the cars to pay off the credit card. Family member living in the house also needs to pay a significant portion of the rent. If she won’t help herself though you can’t either. Let it go
Repeat after me: No. Cash. Assistance.
If they want financial counseling? Help arrange that.
If they want mental-health care (above and beyond Medicare/Medicaid)? Help with that.
If they want you to just pay their rent every month without doing any work on their end? Hard NOPE.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink!
> The biggest ethical dilemma for me is I think it’s likely they will continue to make no efforts to help themselves and may one day face homelessness if I’m not willing to help pay the $2.5k/mo deficit. Definitely hear everyone saying that it’s not my fault or problem, but it’s really difficult to completely walk away from a situation like this.
Here’s what you really have to understand. With her attitude, she is going to face homelessness *whether or not you contribute*. You can push the can down the road a little bit, but there is absolutely no way you can keeper afloat on your own without her making her own concessions. And, from what it looks like, she has no plans to make any adjustments and any help you give her will just keep her from doing the things she needs to do. Any money you contribute to a situation like this will just make it take longer and in the end all the money you contributed will all be for naught anyway.
> He has a degree and experience in a high paying field, but his anxiety and paranoia prevent him from wanting to start a new job. I
This sounds like textbook disability. If he can’t work due to mental illness, he should at least get SSDI to help w/ the bills.
> The biggest ethical dilemma for me is I think it’s likely they will continue to make no efforts to help themselves and may one day face homelessness
Your mom and sibling have ways to fix this. If they choose not to, that is not your problem. If you want to help your job is to present her the choices and the consequences of each choice but they have to meet you in the middle and make good choices.
At 70 years old that woman is not gonna change. She had 50 years to change her behavior
If it’s not reasonable to sell condo and one of the cars then she will need to file bankruptcy. She is not going to find any part time work that makes over 2k per month. She could contact each credit card company and try to arrange payment plans but she would no longer have access to the credit and would have to find some type of employment. I’m sorry but it’s not healthy mentally or financially for you to help them because they will continue spending and expect more and more until you’re in trouble. Their limits are approaching fast. If she files bankruptcy they will probably make her sell one vehicle to pay creditors so she should sell before filing and put that in savings or 401k up to allowable amount for the year. Keep the rest in savings. I saw a lawyer that specialized in bankruptcy to understand my options. See if she will go with you to one to see what she’s in for and the gravity of her situation but don’t jeopardize yourself.
If she’s out of money, make sure she decides which car she wants repo’d first
And if the deadbeat sibling doesn’t know mom is broke, tell them
And look at local law schools for free clinics for debts and give your mom their number. She’ll probably need it.
Wow.
1) do not give any money. If asked, say you have nothing to give because you have your own expenses and debts to pay.
2) neither parent nor sibling seems serious about this problem, why should it be more important to you?
3) you can’t force them to change their bad planning, lack of trying to remedy the problem earlier and their unreasonable work expectations.
I’d create a list of suggestions, and print it off. Sell vehicles, obtain full time work for 2.5k deficit plus food, lower expectations as they are desperate and in immediate need of cash (they can keep looking for a WFH job in the future), and get the sibling to find a job.
Either way, expect them to try to push their problem on you by force (like anger, guilt trips, and threats).
Walk away. As long as they can rely on you to cover the gap, they have zero incentive to make any change.
You need to step away from this entire situation. She has two cars that she can’t afford? What?! She and her other child refuse to get a job?
Just walk away.