, I am an AI language model and I can provide you with some advice on your situation. However, it is important to remember that I am not a professional relationship counselor, so it would still be beneficial for you to seek advice from an expert if needed.
Based on the information you provided, it seems that there is a disagreement between you and your girlfriend regarding whether her actions can be considered cheating. To have a better understanding of your situation, I will provide you with some insights and perspectives on this matter.
Defining Cheating:
Cheating can mean different things to different people, as it often depends on the boundaries set within the relationship. It is crucial for couples to have clear communication and mutual understanding regarding what is acceptable and what is not within their relationship.
Establishing Boundaries:
In your case, you mention that you allowed your girlfriend to explore her interest in women but set a rule that she should discuss any sexual activities with you beforehand. This indicates that you considered these activities to be a potential breach of the relationship’s boundaries if she engaged in them without prior communication.
Violation of Agreement:
From your perspective, your girlfriend’s actions have violated your agreement, as she engaged in sexual activities without discussing it with you in advance. This disregard for the rule you established may have made you feel betrayed or hurt.
Intent vs. Impact:
Your girlfriend argues that she did not perceive her actions as cheating but rather as a mistake in not going about it in the right way. It is important to consider her intentions and whether she genuinely believed she was within the boundaries you set. Nevertheless, even if there was no ill intent on her part, the impact on your feelings and the violation of your agreement are still valid concerns.
Open Communication:
To move forward in your relationship, it is essential for both of you to engage in open and honest communication. Discussing your perspectives, feelings, and expectations can help you find common ground and resolve any misunderstandings. Respect each other’s viewpoints and try to empathize with one another’s emotions.
Reassessing Boundaries:
Given the current situation, it might be helpful to revisit and redefine the boundaries that govern your relationship, especially concerning her exploration of her sexual interest in women. Take the time to determine what you both are comfortable and uncomfortable with, and establish new guidelines that respect each other’s needs and desires.
Seek Professional Help:
If you find it challenging to come to a resolution on your own, seeking the assistance of a relationship counselor or therapist could be beneficial. They can provide impartial guidance, facilitate communication, and offer insights on navigating the complexities of your situation.
Remember, the most important aspect of any relationship is open, honest, and respectful communication. Finding common ground and understanding each other’s viewpoints can help rebuild trust and strengthen your relationship moving forward.
100% it is. You mutually agreed on rules around what sexual fidelity in your relationship means to you, and she broke those rules. Her semantics game doesn’t even make sense. Yes, cheating is a boundary–it’s the one she broke.
Yes. It was logically a mistake for you to offer this, but I realize that’s a moot point. Here’s all that matters; you established a boundary, which I assume she agreed to. Did she?
Assuming yes, she broke the boundary not once but twice. Yes, it’s cheating. Even if we want to play the semantics game and say it’s not, it’s again, crossing a boundary and it’s objectively disrespectful. Knowing that, who cares if she calls it cheating or not? Are you ok with what she did? No.
You don’t need to agree on language, so you’re focusing on the wrong thing. If you’re going to continue this (which you shouldn’t), how about making it crystal clear; “if you engage in activity with another person (regardless of gender) and don’t talk to me about it first, this relationship is over.” That’s all there is to it. If she can’t agree to that, then all you’re learning is she’s going to keep crossing the boundary, because you’ve shown her it’s not a boundary at all. Good luck.
A mistake is doing it once second time was on purpose
First of all, yes this is 100% cheating. Secondly, dude please don’t get stuck in a relationship so pathetic only after a year. It’s only been a year so do break up with her and move on. Won’t be that hard and just so you know, there are plenty of straight girls to pursue who won’t need to “explore” their sexuality.
this is cheating. that is a rule you set to be followed and she disregarded it out of selfishness.
I was in a non monogamous marriage and my ex-wife would do this. I had the same experience of walking in on her fucking some dude once when I got off work early. my rule was to tell me first before engaging in things and she rarely ever did. I considered that cheating and I consider your situation cheating.
my mistake was I stayed with her because ending things would’ve been too hard at that time.
Absolutely. She can’t be trusted at all
Yes it is. But even if it wasn’t “techNiCalLy” cheating, she knew the rule you set for the arrangement and she didn’t care to follow them. So she should get dumped ASAP.
Yeah, that is cheating. Ignoring established rules/boundaries breaks the agreement. She only has permission because of those terms, which she ignored.
Even if you did consider the first time a “mistake,” the second absolutely isn’t.
Yes it is cheating, and also… just because she’s attracted to people who are not you doesn’t mean she’s being repressed or something. If you want a monogamous relationship, it’s ok to insist on that. Everyone has curiosity and desires that their partner does not or cannot fulfill, and that’s ok.
First I just want to say please don’t let someone tell you that bisexuals need to be able to have both partners. It is perfectly fine and acceptable to ask your bisexual partner to be monogamous if you’re uncomfortable with non monogamy.
But if you’re fine with it then you all need to discuss it further. She needs to be honest with the reasons why she didn’t discuss it beforehand. Was she caught up in the moment? Did she hide it to avoid hurting you? Does she think you’re so okay with it that it wasn’t important? Maybe ask her to let you know before she meets up with someone that there may be a possibility and ask if you’re okay with it before she goes rather than seconds before etc
To me it’s cheating but you guys need to define what that means to you all
Yeah it’s cheating because there was deception happening. You weren’t aware/ready or agreeing that an opportunity was okay to take advantage of.
She needs to not be so impulsive and if she’s feeling like she wants to engage with a woman that way, she needs to hold off that night… talk with you and say hey i met someone im interested in having sex with, would it be okay to do it if the opportunity arises?
Oh it’s cheating.
I want to give her the space to continue to find who she is and learn about herself so i gave her the OK with only one Rule. She has to talk about it with me before she does sexual things with someone.-she broke this rule-break up with her. she doesn’t respect you-case closed
You should “explore” ENM and make a few mistakes too before you dump her.
Cheating IS crossing a boundary and a mistake. She has permission to explore but rule was clear. She violated the rule so yes definitely cheating.
It’s been a year and she’s already cheated on you twice. Yes, it is cheating. No it doesn’t matter if it’s a woman. No it doesn’t matter if she has “baseline permission”. She deliberately and willfully broke the agreement she made with you about fidelity, therefore IT IS CHEATING.
Poly people can cheat/get cheated on; so can open relationships. If a rule is established around sex and fidelity and it is broken, it’s cheating. Full stop.
Is it REALLY worth staying with a girl who cheated on you and is trying to logic you out of being mad instead of apologizing and asking what she can do to rebuild trust? After only a year?
Firstly, you’re not in a “long term” relationship. One year is not “long term”. Committed, debatable for the concerns you’ve posted, but outside of that perhaps true.
Next… Yes, that is Cheating. You set boundaries/rules, which presumably she’s agreed to. She knowingly broke those.
Any open relationship requires a LOT more discussion about those rules and boundaries before going for it.
Yeah she’s cheating she refuses to see that
It’s not a mistake if she does it more than once. After that, it’s a choice. So in essence, she’s choosing to break your boundary. Do with that what you will.
Cheating. Why did she not tell you immediately? Likely because she knew that she violated you.
What info did she give you. Who did she cheat with? Does she know their STI status. Does the person she cheated with know their status?
You should both get tested. You should really consider if you want to be with someone who can lie to you so easily…
She is cheating and expecting you to accept it just because its with a woman.
She wants to break up, but she wants you to do it. She knows it is cheating and she will continue.
It is 100% cheating. She’s trying to use technicalities to excuse her complete lack of respect for you and morals.
Unfortunately, you’ve opened up the gates to this, so this is your new relationship. Her being bisexual doesn’t mean she has to go fuck other people. I know plenty of bisexual people that are in monogamous relationships, and have never even thought about cheating.
You have her the pass to fuck others, she immediately showed you how little you mean to her. But, the toothpaste is out of the tube now, there’s no putting it back in. I’d say the best bet for your own happiness is to end things with her so she can explore all she wants without breaking your heart.
Seems to me that if walked in on her fucking someone else unexpectedly she pretty much doesn’t give a crap what you think. So what difference does the term mean? If you’re ok with that then do you. If not it’s not really that difficult to break up.
She cheated. I don’t understand why anybody would give their spouse permission to have sex with other people.
How did you learn about the second one ?
You unwisely gave her slack and agreed to a one sided open relationship, and she lost respect for you and now refuses to follow simple rules with your ill-advised agreement so now she will do whatever she wants with whoever she wants because you are a weak man who is so desperate for her, you will let her get away with hurting you. Dump her since she cannot work even within the guidelines of a the request. She will NEVER conform to full marital vows, so she has failed the wife test.
Violated an agreed upon set of rules 2x, it’s all the above, cheating, breaking boundaries but Def NOT mistakes
One of the concepts in the book “Polysecure” is to not frame it as “Ethical Non Monogamy” but frame it as “Consensual Non Monogamy”. She did not have your consent. Full stop.
And it’s pretty dumb on her part because I suspect she could have taken a beat and called or texted you. Let you know who the partner was.
Basically you’ve established an open relationship but with clear boundaries and rules. An open relationship isn’t going to work if one person keeps breaking those rules. For me, it would be either close the relationship or end it.
That’s cheating. She doesn’t respect the boundaries you’ve set and is untrustworthy. Get out now before she can hurt you more.
She thinks you are a doormat.
How all these dudes not having threesome with there bisexual gfs who wanna explore!? Its insane man. Shes not exploring her sexuality, shes finding her next partner from the comfort of yalls relationship it sounds like
Whether or not it’s “cheating” is not as important as re-establishing trust. She broke your trust and snuck around behind your back. If she’s done it twice now, I think you can expect her to continue. Are you willing to live like that?
Yeah, it’s cheating, and she is making excuses for her behavior and repeated betrayal.
Yeah dummy that’s obviously cheating. Being the same gender doesn’t change that.
Cheating is anything with another person (sex, kissing, fooling around, flirting, talking sexual etc.) you wouldn’t do in front of your spouse or SO. Period. Full stop.
Yes, it was cheating. Especially since you communicated your boundries (more than once and shouldn’t have to more than once) clearly and she purposefully and intentionally disregarded them.
I think it’s unrealistic to make a rule about sex in advance of, say, a date. But you 100% should have been aware she was meeting up with someone and sex was on the table, and what happened afterwards. The fact you were seemingly completely oblivious twice seems like this is a pretty clear cut case of cheating from the agreement you did make.
I also think your agreement is unfair and one-sided, but that’s a whole other can of worms. Still, you should consider that.
What’s considered cheating is literally a boundary created by a couple. She’s playing games.
She’s just playing at semantics. She agreed to a boundary, a boundary that that is called cheating when it’s crossed. Regardless, she crossed the boundary TWICE and that says a lot about how she feels about her respect for boundaries.
I used to work at an international company. We would often work with a married man from the U.K. He wore his wedding ring on his right hand so he said “technically, I’m not married in the U.S.”. Same twisting of words.
Even in a poly relationship that is open, there are rules. When those rules are broken, it’s considered cheating. It 100% is cheating.
Sounds like she isn’t ready to be in a committed monogamous relationship. She’s in her eat love and pray for sex era.