“Is it wrong for me to express to my mom that I need to adjust to her remarriage, but she also needs to understand that things won’t be the same as when my dad was alive? #StepFamilyStruggles #AcceptingChange #NavigatingRemarriage“
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NTA
You have a father. And it isn’t Shaun. Your father is not replaceable.
NTA. Sounds pretty unrealistic and like your mum was living in a fantasy world to expect you to instantly view the new husband as a father figure. Glad she’s finally seen therapy is needed but she needs to listen to you. Her approach to pushing you all these years and dismissing your feelings is one of the main factors why this family vision of hers isn’t working – not you. Has she never thought that if she had backed off and supported you to have whatever relationship you wanted that him that it might have naturally grown? You can build a good relationship with a step parent over time without ever having to call them ‘dad’ or having to treat them like that.
NTA. Your mother put herself and the fantasy she wanted before you. She tried repeatedly to force the issue, not communicating with you and ignoring your clearly stated feelings.
She’s angry and pushing harder now as you’ll be 18 soon and that will change the entire dynamic.
Tell her you have no issue with Shaun, you have no issue with her being married to Shaun, your issue is with her trying to erase and replace your father and repeatedly ignoring your feelings in favour of her own.
NTA.
You were a child who needed to heal from losing your dad but was instead given a “new” dad. Your mom might think this will fix your pain and your family but you two are different people who copes differently and as a mom she should have recognized that.
NTA. You do not exist to fulfil her fantasies. She didn’t want therapy, she wanted to pay someone else to bully you into conforming to her expectations. She needs to stop this if she wants to have anything like a good relationship with you.
NTA
Hell, compared with a lot of the step-family relationship post we get here, your attitude is pretty positive. At least you don’t hate Shaun.
She married him, and seems to really care, which is great. You seem to not absolutely loathe him, which is also pretty good. But *she* married him! *You* didn’t! She needs to accept this and accept that mere acceptance from you is actually a positive thing.
Just because your mom can’t function without a man in her life doesn’t mean you need one. Your mom hooked on to the first man who wanted her and she’s lucky that Shaun is a good man. Unfortunately for Shaun he is just a spot filler. If he died your mom would replace him within months. If your mom pressures you at your next appointment just ask her “Have you considered getting individual therapy for your unhealthy reliance on having a man in your life to the point that you can’t function as an independent, single person?” NTA
NTA at all, I’m so sorry. She’s not wrong that step-parents can be the same as bio-parents but usually that’s led from the child and not the parent. *You* get to decide how comfortable you are with Shaun doing ‘dad’ things and I can’t help but wonder if the reason you haven’t bonded better is because your mother has pushed this on you before you were ready.
NTA.
She does not get to dictate your relationships. There is also a big difference between a step-parent from divorce vs. a parent dying.
No one can ever replace your dad, and it’s unfair and unreasonable for anyone to try.
Unfortunately, you can’t make your mom accept what she doesn’t want to. Have you had a sit down with your mom’s husband about what kind of relationship you are open to and where you draw the line? I don’t know if he would be receptive, but it may help if he knows what page you’re on.
Good luck, and keep your boundaries.
NTA. Your mom needs to accept the fact you are an articulate, intelligent, mature, rational & reasonable human who knows who she is & what she wants. Your dad would be so proud. You’re standing your ground (and rightly so) without being combative or rude. You do you, you’re mature beyond your chronological age — and, on this issue, more mature than mom. She loves you but she needs to accept your reality by showing more compassion & love for you.
NTA
What your mom doesn’t realise is that by pushing this hard, she is pushing you away and it’s coming to the point where she might lose you too if she keeps going on like this and insisting that your feelings are wrong.
always nice when someone screams at you that your feelings are not valid and only hers are.. like that has ever made someone change his mind… she is clueless
I’ve read heaps of these stories and most of the time it’s a parent trying to push the relationship instead of letting it develop naturally
NTA
NTA, but you have to understand your mom. She never learned to be happy alone. She is dependent on her husband and on you. Her happiness is only possible if you both create it for her. That’s not your problem, but that’s something she should work on and the therapist will definitely guide her in that direction. She makes you responsible for her own well-being, which is unfair towards you. Probably she will learn to take responsibility for her own feelings and accept that you can’t replace your father with a new man. But also, please, don’t blame her for being able to love another man.
This is why family therapy never works
Nta
NTA.
Your mother is going to have a shocked Pikachu face when you go LC at 18.
TBH, Shaun IS the unwanted step parent as far as you’re concerned. All you owe him is civility.
I’m so sorry about your dad.
NTA
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I myself am a stepfather and biological father, which means my wife is also a stepmom and biological mom and we have a blended family. Every child ‘s relationship with their bio parent and step parent is unique, some are able to fully accept their step-parents as “mom” or “dad”, and some aren’t. And every child should be allowed to feel whatever they feel without being judged for it. The parents need to realize that choosing a new partner was their choice and not their kids.
Nta! My dear, I am so sorry for the loss of your father, how are you doing? A big hug.
Your mom should not force you to have a relationship with your stepfather if you don’t want to. She should value your feelings and respect them. That will only result in arguments with her, she should learn that it won’t be the same. She should have gone to individual therapy a long time ago so that she learns to be on her own and not become dependent on someone. That is taking a toll on her. Now I am glad she found a good man who loves and protects them. Still her mother should understand and respect how you wants to have that relationship with your stepfather.
Best of luck and best wishes ♥️
NTA
NTA, your mom is living in denial and can’t face the truth.
NTA – I would continue to share how you feel in therapy and hopefully your Mom might gradually start to understand.
Your mother walked into therapy thinking that the therapist was going to say ‘your mom is right and you are wrong. Get with the programme…’
What she got was ‘your child has a right to feel this way and it’s not wrong.’ So she’s pissed.
Keep going to therapy and have the therapist as your advocate. Because mom isn’t listening. Sadly what will probably happen is mom will see this isn’t working and stop the sessions. Hopefully you’ll be off to college by then.
Nat.
NTA
Nahhh. I have a stepdad who I call dad because he’s done a lot for me and I view him as my dad, blood doesn’t matter.
HOWEVER. That doesn’t work for everyone. Some people have present fathers who do everything for them, some unfortunately had their time with their fathers cut short due to bereavement, and don’t feel as though they can replaced. This is completely valid.
Yes, stepfamilies are real and valid. You not seeing your stepfather as your father does not negate this, your mother’s point with that is ridiculous. NTA
NTA. Your mom is a selfish person. Your step parent is also selfish. Neither of them did what right by you. You are the child, you were the child and your feelings mattered. Your mom is emotionally dependent on people and cannot be by herself and that came at the expense of your healing and growing. To force you into all these uncomfortable situations with him is awful. Your mom is blaming you for her failed fantasy. Your therapist sounds solid: all this feelings are valid. Your mom needed to hear it. If she can’t accept it, it’s on her. All of this, this whole post, is a HER problem.
NTA.
NTA-Your dad was not a Lego block you just replace. Mom is not being realistic at all. Please accept my condolences on your loss…..❤️
… I mean, you already had the therapist to tell you that you are NTA.. but yes, you are NTA.
Oh, sweet, no, no you’re not an AH at all. You were old enough to know who your dad was to you, to have memories with him that can’t be taped over by someone else. I am sorry that you lost your dad and I am sorry that your mom can’t accept that she doesn’t get to dictate your feelings around him.
If Shaun is a genuinely good guy that isn’t trying to push your boundaries then maybe you can create more of a friend relationship with him instead of just a tolerance for him. It’s hard, but having relationships with steps doesn’t mean you are replacing your dad in anyway. Continue to be honest with the introduction of him as step parent, don’t backtrack on whatever you envision for your wedding day but maybe just don’t ice him out completely for being there.
Mom needs to get a grip on herself, she’s the AH in all honesty. She doesn’t get to decide on replacing your dad for you. So she’s one of those people who can’t be alone, boohoo for her but that’s her choice and she doesn’t get to drag you along for her illusions of happy happy blended family.
She can’t micromanage your feelings ugh
NTA. My mum did the same thing and was just as confused when my sister and i told her to (politely) fuck off. Long story short they kept trying to insert him as a replacement father and i am now no-contact with him and low-contact with her.
Its likely she wont ever be on the same (sane) page as you about this. Just keep enforcing your boundaries.
NTA
Probably the clearest case of NTA ever. I’m also impressed by your maturity. Your mother fundamentally rejects to understand your experiences will always be a part of your identity and that she can’t just force you to substitute your biological father with her new partner. She needs to acknowledge that and move on.
Nta, at all.
I do hope you’re able to get closer to Shaun someday though, on your own terms. Of course he’ll never be your dad, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be nice to have a better relationship with him.
Your mom needs to cool it. Seems like she’s harming the harmony instead of letting things naturally develop. You respected her timing, now she has to respect yours.
NTA. First, OP, condolences on the loss of your dad. I’m glad you’re both in therapy, but not for the reasons Mom might think: I question whether you were allowed to grieve in your own way, and got as long as you needed to process your loss. I think Mom might have ushered you on too soon because she was afraid to be alone, and in doing so she practically erased your ability to keep your own father’s memory with you, in favor of this new guy, because *she* was scared.
Now she won’t accept your feelings as valid because you aren’t playing the role she’s writing for you in the movie of her life. So IMO, you both needed grief counseling years ago that you didn’t get, but Mom needed deeper therapy to deal with her own issues that then became your reactions to hers. My non-professional view is that she needs far more help than you do, but it seems she’s only in therapy to help make you conform to her ideal and validate her parenting. I hope she’s able to get something more out of it. Please keep working on this, and I hope you go off to university on a campus that offers therapy through student services, so you can go on your own.
NTA
NTA, Your mom poisoned the well and she still can’t see it. At this point you have 3 years and you are out of that world. Focus on getting to college and what you need to do to be fully independent.
NTA. I’d like to say that this will get better as you age, but as you are entering adulthood I think you can see that this is going to be one of those things where your paths may never overlap as they once did.
The ironic part is that if she hadn’t been so pushy about it things may have turned out better
NTA
you are fine, your mom is the AH for pushing her new partner t you – he is NOT your dad.
NTA. Boundaries are boundaries whether they’re set by an adult or a 16-year-old. You have every right to decide how your relationship will be and your mother can’t force it. Just relaxingly got a couple more years while you run to their roof. Truly sorry you’re most putting you through this, can’t blame her for wanting to be happy but she can’t force happiness. Do your best to survive until it’s time to leave at 18 I wish you all the best doll.
NTA and it sounds like things are actually pretty good for you all as a blended family, except for this fantasy that your mother is pushing of replacing your dad with your stepdad. It’s a pity she can’t be happy with how things are.
She doesn’t accept you’re a separate person. I actually don’t know what to do with those people as parents. Your mom sounds like she did heal at all. NTA. I don’t think there is anything you can do here.
NTA the fact that she expected you to fully embrace him as your Dad, only 4mths after you first met him, really shows how unrealistic her hopes/thoughts were. That’s barely enough time to become comfortable with someone let alone have that kind of close relationship. She tried to speed run the relationship building and forgot the little human that should have been the centre of her thoughts. She didn’t want to make you happy and comfortable, she wanted you to conform to her vision of the perfect family.
NTA and your mother is. You should give Shaun respect as a member of your family and recognize the importance of him to your mother. However, your dad is your dad, and no one else is. It was never okay for your mom to try to force you to replace your dad, rather than trying to foster a **loving but different** **relationship** with a **stepdad**.
Sounds like your mom is only in therapy so she that she could use the therapist to help her force you to become who she wants you to be. She doesn’t realize that with her current approach it’s just a matter of time and the two of you won’t have much contact at all once you move out.
NTA
Your mom basically killed her own dream.
Her pushing you hard, trying to force you to accept stepdad probably made sure that you never will.
Had she given you time to get used to a new man at her side before marrying, and develop a bond between you two naturally.. MAYBE you would be closer now.
Almost all stories about stepparents and stepkids getting along really well have these things incommon: time, a bond on the kids schedule, respect for the deceased/divorced parent, understanding, no pressure. Being there for the kid in a way that they feel safe and gentle support, then they will over time naturally get closer. Sometimes to the point of thinking “dad or mom”, sometimes not. And both are OK
You are absolutely right, your mom has to accept that you won’t regard her husband dad.
Maybe tell her with help of the therapist that either she starts accepting this, or she might look into a future without you in her life.
As long as you treat stepdad with respect, that’s all they can expect from you.
Nta. Your mom put way too much pressure on you
NTA. I live with my father, and he has NEVER expected me to treat my stepmom like o do my mother. Granted, I have very different circumstances, but it’s the same with my mother. My stepdad became like my dad because I let him be end of story. Your mom is delusional.