“Is it wrong to tell my adult sister to stop acting like a kid because she’s obsessed with finding our birth family? #FamilyDynamics #SiblingRelationships #IdentityStruggles
Have you ever had a situation with a sibling where they expect you to prioritize them over other family members? Here’s a story of a 24-year-old man dealing with his sister’s obsession with their biological roots.
**Background Story**:
– Adopted siblings, one biological, one placed in foster care
– Sister struggles with identity and seeks biological connections
– Brother not interested in finding birth family
**The Conflict**:
– Sister insists on imagining meeting birth family together
– Brother refuses and tells sister to grow up
– Sister gets upset and brother wonders if he was in the wrong
What do you think? Should siblings always prioritize biological connections over other family bonds? Share your thoughts below! #FamilyConflicts #GrowingUp #SiblingDynamics“
This is a very niche situation. I can only say NAH. It sounds like a very complication situation. I hope you both find a way to move forward that brings you peace.
NAH – you’re both dealing with the same situation differently, you arent rude for snapping at her after she’s ignored you setting boundaries, but i also can’t call her an ass for feeling lost and wanting a sense of belonging. Her desire for a biological family is stopping her from having a family, but i also can’t blame her for how she’s dealing with the insecurity of not having a biological family or clinging onto what biological family she does have. I don’t think its childish, but i do think itd be good for her to have therapy now. At least in your 20’s rather than teen hood you start to develop more confidence naturally as you have more insight on the world around you. She needs help accepting that family isn’t blood, its what you make it.
NTA. If you started as foster children and never went back to your bio parents, there is likely a good reason. 🫤
NTA. It sounds like you’ve tried to be patient and loving with her, but sometimes it comes to us needing to put our foot down and be firm to finally get our points across. Just stay firm, and you’ll be ok.
NTA. You are allowed to have your own feelings on the matter. I think your sister’s feelings are a fantasy to help her cope. Badgering you or tryin to guilt you into finding them by saying she won’t find them alone is still not ok. At some point, therapy is going to be on her to help her manage and deal, and lying won’t help her. Being honest and not giving in to save her feelings is a good choice here. She does need some help. She should find your bio family, but she should also face reality.
NTA. It sounds like something that needed to be said a long time ago, because she was living in a little fantasy bubble about your relationship and finding her birth parents. She’s hurt/upset because she finally ‘heard’ what you were saying. However, there’s a small part of her that might decide it was just your frustration talking, and she’ll circle back into the whole fantasy again. She’s spent a lot of years in that bubble, so it’s probably a very deeply held idea for her – you may have to say it again, and again until she finally accepts your truth. I think if you had said it nicely – she wouldn’t have heard you at all, because it’s not what she WANTS to hear.
NAH – while the facts of the matter may be the same for you both, the way you feel and the way it has affected you both is very different. And that’s completely okay.
Honestly this really speaks to me because my siblings are in a similar situation. Biologically they’re my cousins, but they were removed from their parents when my brother was nearly 3 and my sister was not yet 1.
They were placed with us since my parents were between fosters and then very quickly moved to adoption after the full extent of my uncle and his wife’s behaviour came to light.
My brother has vague memories of the neglect and abuse they went through and very strongly remembers the feeling of being afraid. He bonded to me very quickly partly because we already had a relationship and then we just got closer.
My sister OTOH was not old enough to have any memory of it. She also tends to feel that she and my brother should be closer to each other than either of them are to me and I have to admit there is tension between me and her because she dislikes the closeness between me and my brother.
The thing is, I understand it. She was younger, so she’s more inquisitive about where they came from bc she doesn’t have any sense memory like our brother does. Clinging to our brother is how she tries to make sense of her place in the family and her own identity as an adoptee.
You have every right to enforce your boundary but at the same time you have to give some leeway to your sister for wanting to make sense of her own identity. Also you’re both still very young in the scale of things, in fact your 20s are when you form much of who you are for the rest of your life
NTA
You should tell her to expect disappointment if she ever finds your parents. I think you realize this and she doesn’t.
NTA. Your sister is scared of being alone in this world. Some might say abandonment issues. You did nothing wrong, you protected your boundaries.
NTA. It’s fine for her to want to research her bio family, but for her to keep pressuring you to share her feelings is a problem.
NTA, you have mom, dad and siblings. To you your biological parents are only people who have you birth. Your mom and dad have fed and loved you, hugged you when you have been low and laughed with you when you have been happy. Parental relationship isn’t about DNA, it is about who was present.
Your sister has all the right to do what ever she wants, but so do you, and if you don’t want to find the person who gave you birth and disappeared that is totally understandable.
NTA You’ve told her for years. Just because she figuratively stuck her fingers in her ears and said “La la lalala” doesn’t mean she didn’t know your position or gets to *choose* to be hurt now. If the canal you lived next to for years is posted as having alligators, you can’t be surprised when, upon going swimming at 22, you find out there are alligators.
NTA. But you may need to give your sister a little bit of grace. It sounds like she needs to see an adoption-competent therapist to work through some of her issues. Some adoptees are very focused on bio family and others are not at all — your example demonstrates this perfectly. Niether of you is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in your differing desires to know biological family.
But you do need to tell her that you support her need but that you do not have the same need, and for you it is best not to be involved. Both of you deserve to have your choices respected.
I don’t really understand this need to be a ‘favorite sibling’ — I haven’t really heard of that before, but it seems that is tied to her very strong desire to know her genetic relatives and you are looming large there because you are physically close and available.
This is something she has to work through with a therapist.
NTA for having a different perspective about your adoptive and bio families. In addition to being a totally separate person, you were older than your sister and experienced early foster care and adoption very differently.
Similarly your sister is NTA for wanting to believe that somewhere out there is a biological family that would welcome her.
Whether you’re TA really comes down to *how* you discuss all of this with your sister. It sounds like you’ve grown impatient with her which is understandable.
I was not adopted. I have no idea what it would be like. But perhaps you and your sister would be open to joint counseling to get through this issue, her for believing so completely that the unknown would be wonderful and you for being so sure that it wouldn’t be.
It’s really common for adopted people to be interested in their birth families. It’s also really common for adopted kids to think, “Nah, I’m good here.” You’re older, so on some level you remember more than she does, which impacts your choices and beliefs around your birth family.
My brothers are adopted, and the one adopted at birth wanted desperately to find their mom. The other was adopted at four and had no desire to ever see her again. Youngest bro eventually did track down their mom, and had a really clear image in his head of how it would go. I’m going to be kind here and say that the reasons her children were apprehended were evident when we met her. It was bitterly disappointing for him, and worse because she was mainly interested in reconnecting with the older child because he’s the one she lived with for years.
I mention this because it’s past time for you to set some boundaries around contact with them when your sister eventually tracks them down. They won’t be the king and queen from Tangled, desperately searching for the lost princess. They’ll likely be more like characters in Shameless, with good intentions and bad decisions, who are more interested in the kid they remember than they baby they didn’t have time to bond with. That’s gonna be hell on wheels for both of you in different ways.
If you can afford it, nook a family therapy session for you and your sister so you can really clearly lay out how unwilling you are to take this journey with her. I know you’ve already been clear, but I think a therapeutic referree will help. It also gives you a connection to a therapist, so that when/if she “suprises” you with bio family, you have somewhere to go for support and/or a safe place to have a quick face to face with them and explain that you aren’t interested.
You are NTA. Good luck with your sister.
NTA, and honestly, I don’t think she’s ready to be even looking at searching out bio-family. If they reject her, she is not in a place where she’s able to cope. In any case, I think the only thing that will help her is therapy, and even that can only work if she is willing to engage fully.
She needs to find a way of getting her attachment needs met. That will never happen by piling pressure on you to change. You deserve to live your life in ways that empower and fulfil your needs.
Info: How do your other siblings interact with her? Does she distance herself from them. I feel bad for her, but only she can make it better.
Nta. She knew your opinion on the subject, and kept pushing you to towards her opinion. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
NTA but I do think you should have a serious sit down with her and set your boundaries if she does find them bc I’m worried she may do something that could potentially ruin y’all’s relationship.
NTA – Your headache is just starting because I guarantee if she finds your biological family she will try and force you into meeting them and tell them all about you against your wishes.
I would make it clear now that if she has some delusional dream of some shared reconciliation between you both and your biological family she needs to get rid of that idea immediately. If she tries to force contact between you and your biological family it will result in you going NC with her.
NTA. You’re both adults now so she needs to accept that each of you has different views when it comes to family and siblings, both biological and adopted. The sooner she does theh the sooner she can find fulfillment in her own life.
NTA
NTA
“and I hate that she still puts it on me to choose her over my siblings or that she won’t find our birth family alone because I don’t want to be a part of that.” .. simply ignoring that will solve the issue nicely.
“She got so upset. I can tell it kind of shattered her.
AITA?” .. she will have to manage that on HER side, and she will need to get over it.
NTA
She needs more therapy to help her deal with the issues she has over her feelings. But it is her to deal with not to project onto you.
NTA
NTA. And statistically speaking your biological sister is just in for a world of disappointment if/when she finds her birth families. It sounds like she has the Annie version of what it would be like in her head. But more often than not children that are in foster care/adopted weren’t placed there for happy reasons. It’s often because the kids were neglected, parents were unfit somehow, a child that was the product of a rape/other sexually inappropriate relationship, moms that are sex workers to make money that just can’t keep the kids. Obviously some of these don’t apply to you two because you are fully related. But you never know. Not to mention you have been with your parents for literally as long as you can remember. They are your parents. Your sisters curiosity is understandable. But it’s not your problem to deal with. You have a boundary and she needs to accept that. A 22 year old adult is fully capable of understanding the word no and listening and respecting your decision/feelings about your birth parents, parents, and all of your siblings.
Sister could benefit from therapy. I’ve known people who sought out their birth parents and were greatly disappointed because their parents were a mess and didn’t really care about them. In one situation, she was the 10th child born to the parents and they were overwhelmed by too many children. In other situations, parents had addictions and children were removed from them. Sister needs to consider that your birth parents could be a mess.
This is so complicated. I have adopted twins. One accepts me as mom and has never expressed interest in his birthmom. The other one basically feels kidnapped by me and cheated out of her birthmom.
I don’t know what causes this. I’ve had them both since birth.
All I can say is encourage her to find her birthmom without you. If you don’t want to meet them she shouldn’t try to force you.
NTAH
NTA. You seem to have been patient with her but she has no consideration for your own feelings on the matter while consistently trying to force her’s on you. Your feelings are valid too and reading this just made me so uncomfortable and I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with this. I hope you two can come to an understanding someday.
NAH
I’m not gonna say your sister is TA because clearly she’s trying to fill some void inside her that you don’t have. If she wants to search for them, I say go for it. But she needs to stop trying to loop you in. This is something she can pursue on her own.
NAH
You have every right to never want to look back. Love doesn’t have to be blood. It is who you raised you, who you grow up with.
She has every right to feel lost, and her trauma is manifesting in finding kinship. Adoption is complicated and I recently was on another AITA discussing difficulties with adoption and the trauma that goes along with it (and it not being for me even though I considered it for a while in my life).
While it may seem right in the moment that you have the objectively right opinion, such as the love you have for your present family, the disinterest in your bio family (because truly speaking why would you want to connect with someone who gave you up, there’s almost never a good backstory that comes with giving up a child be it drugs, finances, incarceration, rape, accidental pregnancy, just not wanting your kid etc), she can’t make that connection.
She ignores it, doesn’t click in for her and while knowing that, it might be an indication of how she’s internalized this trauma. Having an imaginary life in her mind, with people that might look like her (not just race wise bc your adoptive family can also be black, but features wise, seeing a mom with your eyes, a dad with your nose, etc), having a whole dollhouse inside her head of her perfect family.
People are drawn to things that seem familiar, and are afraid of the unknown. Its kinda the roots of stereotyping and discrimination, our brain makes mental shortcuts to be able to make quick assessments, and instinctually it was primal way of survival. Some people can break free of it and some can’t. An example of these mental shortcuts would be like for example, I’m Caribbean, say I see someone who is also Caribbean, I already feel like I have an idea of some of the lived experiences we might share, we might speak similarly, look similarly, know about Caribbean specific things, and then if they’re from the same country as me, the mental shortcuts start to give a kinship with them etc. I mean it’s not a hard coded thing, say that person cuss me obviously I’m not gonna like them lol. But that was a loose example.
You have every right to be tired of this though, she can have her fantasies but she shouldn’t be imposing that on you to say the least, and that point alone kinda leans me a bit more NTA, but as someone who lost a sibling to foster care, the trauma runs very deep and my eldest sister has never recovered from it. Constantly searching for love, feeling abandoned at every step of life even though her adoptive parents were very loving and supportive.
NTA, my sisters the same way she’s an idealistic fool, she wants to meet the father that abandoned her and expects it to go smoothly, meanwhile I know my ‘father’ and wished I’d never met him, I hope it goes better for you than it did for me
NTA
She’s being stupid.
Biology means nothing.
The person/people who raised you are the parents.
They handed you both over. They don’t want you back.
Not being harsh. It’s most likely.
And you definately don’t want them.
She shouldn’t mean any more to you than the others.
She needs to get it in her head that they are not worth looking for.
And to appreciate your real adoptive parents.
NTA you are two different people and are allowed to have different views. She can look for your bio family if she likes and you can completely focus on your adoptive family and siblings. There is nothing wrong with either of those things. Your sister is wrong for trying to force you and doesn’t realize that is the reason why you aren’t close.
NTA. Your sister is allowed to want this relationship with her bio parents. She’s allowed to WANT a relationship with you. She’s not allowed to DEMAND one and try to control you. Your sister seems extremely entitled.
Keep strong boundaries with her because it’s not just what’s best for you, it’s what’s best for her. Enabling her will only make her worse.
NAH. Happy families don’t give their children up for adoption, but she’s not ready to hear that yet. If she continues her search, she will almost certainly discover a painful and tragic truth. But I understand that need to know. I never knew my own father, and my mother would never talk about him. Eventually, I learned that truth — that he was a criminal who died in prison while serving time for passing bad checks. Sadly, once you know a thing, you can’t un-know it.
NTA and I personally hate the whole “you have to do this because I’m ’some thing they were born as’” mentality. “You have to do what I say because I’m: your older brother, your parent, your little sister, old, a woman, a man, a kid, your older sister, your little brother” whatever it is.
Should you listen to your parents? Sure, until they tell you crazy stuff. Also, some parents are bad people, so no. “Because I said so” isn’t going to fly with me.
The entitlement of folks is so wild. There was that story about the older brother saying that his brother needed his permission to get engaged. There’s all kind of stories of folks who ask for stuff and services for free because they’re women. There’s stories of men just telling strangers to obey them because they’re men.
Your sister doesn’t own you because of biology. That’s not a thing and the sheer audacity of it.
NTA
You came out of this fine. Biology does not equal more, or better, love.
Adoption is not the same for everyone. I voluntarily placed a child for adoption when I was 15. My BIL adopted a child. My sister adopted her two children. I have since adopted my gchild. Full circle.
The child I placed for adoption has never contacted me. I was hurt, but then I realized that, as much as I wanted to meet *him* he doesn’t want to meet *me.* I respect that.
Nephew #1 never had any desire for contact. He’s 30 //
Nephew #2 went all out. Found out he was one of 11 children, all taken away from her. He’s 31 //
Niece is from Asia. She is really struggling right now; she’s very conflicted. She’s 23 //
My Gchild’s egg donor left. Haven’t heard from her since child was four. Gchild accepts that, for now. She’s nine.
So, five children adopted, five different ways of feeling. No one is wrong. You are not wrong; your sister is not wrong. But sister has no idea how to back tf off and let you be. Perhaps your parents and siblings can help you, help her. But! It’s really not your responsibility to make her feel better.
I wish you only the best. 💕
UpdateMe
NTA. I grew up with a huge extended family. Going to parties meant dozens to hundreds of relatives, all either biological relatives or their spouses. I have 25 first cousins, and God only knows how many cousins total.
I was close with my parents, one grandmother, and one cousin. Everyone else I consider family isn’t biologically related to me, including my son, who we adopted. I’ll keep saying it, family is an action, not a status. It sounds like your sister is taking that action, but she needs to figure out that blood doesn’t mean anything.
NTA. You have made your position clear and she’s stepping on a boundary.
My younger sister and I are bio siblings and adopted together. I was always more interested in finding out about our bio family than she was but I never shoving some romanticized notion down her throat.
From the sound of it your sister might have been traumatized from the separation and the adoption. She needs to see a therapist (she may not appreciate that advice though.)
NTA and as an adoptee (from birth) while I feel for your sister- she is in for an awakening that won’t be pretty when she finds the bio parents, you are so NTA for how you feel about all of it and you may just have to be “the mean one” and be a bit hateful to get her to stop