#Baby #FamilyPlanning #RelationshipAdvice
Hey everyone! 👋 So my partner and I have been having some intense discussions about the idea of starting a family, specifically around the financial aspect of having a baby. It’s been a real rollercoaster of emotions and opinions, and I could really use some fresh perspectives on the matter.
Here’s a quick rundown of where we stand:
– She wants to start trying for a baby ASAP due to her grandmother’s fading health
– I believe waiting a year until she finishes university would be more financially prudent
– We both have some savings and super, but not a substantial amount
– We are both currently working as casual support workers with no job security
Any thoughts or advice on how we can navigate this tricky situation without jeopardizing our relationship? I would love to hear your insights and experiences to help us make a well-informed decision. Your input could really make a difference! 🤔💬
One possible solution that I’m considering is sitting down with a financial planner to assess our current situation and explore all our options. Do you think this could be beneficial for us? Let me know your thoughts! 🌟
Let’s have a constructive and supportive discussion to help us navigate this challenging time. 💖 #CommunitySupport #FinancialPlanning #TogetherWeCan
Start with a permanent job that gives paternity leave
She should finish her degree. If she got a temp contract she would have a good chance of getting paid mat leave and then she could work casually at a high daily rate. Great flexibility around little ones. That is a no brainer to me. I have 3 kids and teach….
I have 200k in savings and barely think I have enough for a kid.
With a kid comes
1. Daycare
2. Baby products
3. Medical costs
4. House
5. Someone not working
6. New car
7. List goes on
I know you can do it on the cheap, but I have no interest in being miserable worrying about how I afford the ‘next part’ of being a parent. I feel for you, but unfortunately, having kids much later than gets REALLY hard for many gals. Good luck mate.
This seems like more of a relationship question than a financial one, but you’re definitely right that you are not in a good financial position to have a baby right now.
I’m reading that she wants to cure depression with a child, which is likely to create deeper depression.
Sorry to hear she’s using these arguments against you but if you think about it that sort of personal trait is not likely to reverse itself, more likely is she’ll lean more heavily on these type of tactics moving forward and it’s going to be even harder for you to manage let alone cut ties once you realise how damaging it is to your existence.
I’m with you on this one.
Bringing forward having a baby so you can have a couple of photos with the great grandmother doesn’t make any rational sense. Finishing a teaching degree that could be used to help bring in income when you have children (particularly flexible casual work in school hours) is definitely a smart idea and would be a waste to not finish it and never come back to it.
I also think you wanting to move into something that gives you more certainty is also a good idea.
Look, at the end of the day, people have babies when they’re on government benefits and they manage to make it work, but it is hard. Really, really hard. There is no holidays, no treats, no going out for dinner, or a coffee, no discretionary spending whatsoever.
What really is the more concerning aspect is the “nothing in life makes me happy, a baby will make me happy” thought process, because having a baby is not the solution to unhappiness with your life, and it’s a HUGE amount of pressure on this lil tiny, vulnerable human, and then child, to be solely responsible for one person’s happiness – and is not the answer.
I would suggest couples counselling (spend the money that you’d spend on baby stuff, on a few sessions, and you can access your mental health plan with your GP to get discounted counselling sessions) and her going to talk to a fertility specialist to get an understanding that her fertility window isn’t closed, but also get some testing to understand where she’s at biologically.
Start with a couples counsellor. These are big decisions and you need to learn how to work through them together, because you’ll have many many more big decisions to navigate together in life.
This isn’t a money problem; this is a relationship problem.
Having a kid is fine… having a kid to cheer her up is not. Terrible idea. The most important factor in having a kid is not financial. It’s happiness and contentment.
I think she needs to seek professional help if she’s feeling this unhappy. She’s only 28, her clock is fine. Deal with her mental health first.
Your ages are young and it’s a stupid reason to have a kid so nana can see a great grandkid. It’s never a perfect time to have kids but give yourself a leg up by at least reducing financial stress.
Coming from a female perspective, She needs to finish her degree and get some experience. So she has a job to go back to or some mat leave. You only get 20 weeks off on centerlink.
It’s also silly on her behalf to be financially vulnerable wo a back up if your relationship goes south. Also being depressed could also be a chance she will get post natal depression too.
I think she has rose coloured glasses. Tell her if she wants the kid get her to do a list of items you will need to have a kid and what is the cost, does your budget sustain that. Work on timelines together.
Hey bro, from a place of understanding, bringing a child into this world is not something to be done lightly and for something to look forward to. Yeah it’s important if that’s a want for you guys, but being pressured into it isn’t a great foundation. A child should be a natural addition not something to try to repair some relationship flaws.
Your partner does not want to work as a teacher, a child is often seen as an easy out whilst/after completing study in an area that no longer interests the person.
Is she close with her grandmother? Has she lost someone close to her before? Maybe she’s dealing with some early stages of grief/ depression thinking about her grandma passing if that is a contributing factor to why she wants to speed up the pregnancy.
Might be worth having a proper chat not from the financial side but the mental health side.
Talking about how we want to be the best parents we can possibly be when we do have a child but the first steps is making sure we are mentally in the right place to start raising a child.
If she’s already suffering with grief another concern would be the possibility of postpartum depression especially if grandma passed before she could give birth.
140k a year for a support worker
What’s the rush? Is she nervous about being a teacher and sees the baby as giving her meaning/avoiding work? I ask this because I have three cousins who finished teaching degrees, barely, got married and had a kid 9 months later…and never worked again.
Very unlikely that she’s missed her biological window unless there are major issues biology wise not in the original post.
There’s a whole heap that can go wrong – complications with birth that knock you out of work as well, baby has issues etc etc.
I would ask, how much support do the two of you have? Do you have parents nearby, have you looked at the childcare situation (seen how many places are open, what the places are like, how well they’ve been reviewed?). I’m on the other side of the planet, and it scared me to not have my mum nearby to help when I gave birth in a room where the only person I really knew well was my husband.
If nothing makes her happy now, a baby WILL NOT make her happy. Sleepless nights, nappy changes, poo explosions (we had one going to MiL’s place, and helped bond us lol) What she needs is a hobby, something to take her mind off babies.
Yes, you’re not doing this particularly well – telling her to wait when she wants to go. But you’re rational and that works more often in the long term.
Honestly, if it breaks the relationship up, then ok. But don’t ever think that a baby will fix something.
I know people have different views on how difficult/tiring being a teacher is (I’m a teacher) but it’s close to universally accepted that your first couple of years as a qualified teacher are your toughest – you have the largest amount of resources to create, use, throw out and rebuild from scratch, and you’ll be the tiredest that teaching will make you. It doesn’t get easy with time, but it gets easier and you grow in your capacity – that takes a few years though. You’ll also have a thinner skin in terms of copping criticism / feedback from emotional parents.
Also, quality of classroom teaching takes a bit when there are new little ones at home. At least if you’re established as a teacher before kids come along, you know what your standard is and know that you’ll bounce back once your kids are consistently sleeping through the night.
Your partner needs to know that having a baby, especially the first couple years, is maybe one of the hardest things you both will ever do. And that’s if everything goes well. Whatever mental health challenges either of you are facing will be dialled up massively with the stress of the first year – almost every week you are dealing with new exhausting challenges, and that with likely little sleep. She might be at greater risk of post partum. If she isn’t established in an organisation / career track, having one will majorly freeze whatever she wants to end up doing – not just the physical toll, the time off, but also the mental recovery afterwards. Having a baby is the biggest decision you will ever make, and an irreversible one at that – you certainly don’t want to do it at a low point.
How long have you been together? You have fairly recently made a post that you don’t want to have children, so her fear of you potentially changing your mind sounds grounded in reality – *but* if you don’t want to have children, that is 100% your choice and I don’t think you should compromise and potentially hold resentment toward your partner and/or future child/ren.
Agree with others that having children shouldn’t be a decision made to make someone “happy” or give them some sense of fulfilment. It can also be as expensive as you make it (within reason). I’m fairly thrifty so we have so far bought nothing new, but we are fortunate to have some second-hand items from family too. It depends on your values, really – but there are minimum costs you should be thinking about. I.e. parental leave, childcare… and non-financially, just the general impact on your relationship and how well you think you are set up to cope.
I also think pregnancy and university are a difficult combination… and this is speaking as someone who is currently 34 weeks and just finished their masters this week. The last seven months of full time study while pregnant were difficult beyond what I could have ever imagined (but I also work full time, so that was even more exhausting – oops). I had thought when we started ‘trying’ that it may take some time, and it wouldn’t quite overlap so much (I was taking the average couple trying for 12 month stat pretty seriously haha), but we fell pregnant first cycle.
Would be wise to finish uni, get a job, then when maternity leave is available think about the baby.
Oh gosh golly. They are some bad reasons to rush into having kids.
I don’t think anyone should be pressured into having a baby especially when you’re still in your late 20s rather than late 30s or early 40s.
If either one of you thinks you’re not ready then you shouldn’t go for it. Don’t do it just to please your wife because having a baby is a huge responsibility. You’re bringing a new innocent life into this world and you can’t just walk away from it once you’re in. You both need to be ready.
She needs to finish the degree.
I’ve seen this many times. She will probably never work much again if she quits the degree to have a kid, particularly given she only has $5k super which means she’s almost 30 and has only earned $50k her entire life.
NDIS support worker earning 140k? Tell me more….
.
And sorry no advice re whether or not have to kids 🤷♂️
Please DO NOT have a baby with someone who says that nothing in their life makes them happy. Having kids is the hardest thing you will ever do. Do not do this unless your partner is in a really good place mentally.
Sentimentally for her gma is no reason to have a child on its own, or adding on the financial trauma this will cause you. She needs to wtf up. And i say this with all respect as a woman.
Honestly mate you need to get yourself out of this relationship.
You aren’t able to support and raise this baby financially. If you gf is depressed and thinks a baby is gonna fix that, you aren’t able to raise the baby emotionally either. Does she not know how hard it is raising a child?
The fact that she’s manipulating you into doubting yourself is a massive red flag
Good luck my guy I do not envy you
Edit: also wanted to add shes either again being manipulative or just flat out stupid if she things her biological window is closed at the age of 28
$140K as a support worker?
If you argue over this (or anything) to the point of almost breaking up, for the love of Odin don’t have a baby together.
Having a baby is NOT NOT NOT a solution to feeling lonely or down.
It is one of the most challenging (and rewarding) things in life for mothers and fathers. Moreso for mothers though. I would suggest convince your partner to try get herself feeling happy stable and healthy , get help if needbe no shame in that. Go into strong and with complete certain and its still a challenging time.
If there is any hint of the we need to have a baby to save the relationship then 100% do NOT NOT NOT. That comment really concerning.
I was in your wife’s position but at 31. Definitely finish uni first. It will give her so many more options after kids. I’d even say do one year of work before having a baby (I started trying 6 months into my new job).
It’s so much harder to re establish yourself after having babies back to back. It helps to have some contacts from that year after graduation.
Currently have a three month old daughter.
She is the best thing we’ve ever done as a couple, and simultaneously the most challenging. Bringing a child into the world in an attempt to make someone happy is not the right reason. It is a rocky ride, and that is without complications – the sleep deprivation pre and postnatal, the hormone dump, challenges with breastfeeding etc if that is what she’s opting to do. We waited until I was 32, we had all our ducks in a row and had the support of both sets of grandparents who live close by. Your partner needs to consider setting herself up in her career, and working on her own mental health and wellbeing first before having a baby. Pregnancy, labour and babies are no joke!
I was also studying a postgrad certificate in my area when I got pregnant, and working full time. It was hard – exhausting, and dealing with a new gamut of pregnancy related symptoms every other week was tough. I had an uncomplicated pregnancy, and it was a conscious decision on my part to study and try in the same year. I don’t regret it, but it was really really hard.
There is no financial level you must hit
You just both need to be ready, which you clearly are not.
My fiancée sister did baby before last year of her degree. She’s still not finished, daughter is 6 now and she still can’t find employment in her field without it. Have her finish her degree first.
You’ve posted previously that you don’t want kids at all.
Your wife is 29.
Stop wasting her time. You’re going to look for excuses regardless of the age.
Second Year teacher here. To me it’s absolutely crazy that she thinks she’s going to finish her final placement or get through her first year of full time teaching while also becoming a parent for the first time. Much more likely that she has the baby and finishing the degree gets put on hold. That first year of teaching is incredibly difficult but it gets easier once you find your feet. I’d personally wait until year 2 or 3.
Two of my close friends had babies within the last year and they both look miserable, and have told me as such – they have both said they feel like a shell of a person. Having a kid to try and cure depression is a horrific idea
I have a two month old and while he is the light of my life, I thought I had fab mental health… until I was recovering from labour and had a screaming newborn awake every two hours. The stress of a newborn will magnify any weak spots in your mental health and relationship. My relationship barely survived and we were thriving before the baby was born. Sleep deprivation, stress and overwhelm will do that.
If she isn’t happy now, having a baby will not fix that. In fact, for the first few months she will probably feel much worse. I remember sobbing while my son was a week old, screaming next to me for the 10th wake up of the night, feeling like I’d made a terrible mistake and ruined my life. We’re out of the baby blues now, life is good again and the little dude is the light of my life, but far out I cannot emphasise enough how hard it is at the start. I am with you in making sure study is finished and you’re in as good a financial position as you can before falling pregnant. Yes people survive on benefits, but you have the opportunity to plan to establish the best situation for yourselves as best you can. I gave birth the day before my 31st birthday, study finished and career well established with 30k saved. I’m glad I waited.