#ParentalConflict #TeenIssues #FamilyDynamics
Hey there! It sounds like you’re in a tough spot right now, but you’re not alone. Dealing with changes in your family dynamic can be really challenging, especially at your age. It’s completely normal to feel frustrated and overwhelmed in a situation like this.
First off, I want to commend you for seeking advice and trying to navigate this difficult situation in the best way possible. Here are a few things to consider as you continue to figure out what’s best for you:
Understanding Your Feelings
It’s important to recognize and validate your own feelings in this situation. It’s totally understandable to feel unsettled and unprepared for a big change like having a new person sharing your living space, especially when it’s someone you haven’t spent much time with before.
Communicating Your Needs
It’s crucial to communicate your needs to your parents in a respectful and constructive way. It’s clear that the current living arrangement is causing you a great deal of distress, and it’s important for your mom to understand the impact it’s having on you. It’s not about being “nice” or “mean” to Trisha – it’s about finding a living situation that works for everyone involved.
Exploring Options
Moving in with your dad may seem like a good short-term solution, but it’s also important to consider the long-term effects of this decision. Have an open and honest conversation with your dad about what living with him full-time would look like, and how it would impact your relationship with your mom.
Seeking Support
This is a lot for a 15-year-old to handle on their own. Consider seeking support from a trusted family member, a school counselor, or a therapist who can help you navigate this challenging time and provide you with the tools to manage your emotions and communicate effectively with your parents.
Ultimately, it’s important to remember that you have a voice in this situation, and your feelings and needs matter. While it’s clear that the current living situation is taking a toll on you, finding a resolution that works for everyone involved is the key to moving forward.
Hang in there, and know that there are people who care about your well-being and are willing to support you through this. You’re not alone, and you have the strength to navigate through this difficult time. Take care of yourself, and remember to prioritize your own well-being as you work through this tough situation.
NTA at all. Seems pretty reasonable to me.
INFO: did you try to resolve any of the issues or just complain about them?
NTA and honestly you saved yourself from drama that your mother purposely is not resolving and actually escalated by having John & Trisha there. I don’t believe they are leaving, I think they are going live there permanently and whatever delusions your mother has of perfect blended family was gone from getgo due both the divorce then Trisha being horrible roommate to you. Now your mother is upset that you have options to where to live and hates that your father’s home is option for you live in both temporary & permanently – thing is this her fault especially for being dismissive of your concerns & observations, then not helping the situation; is her doing silent treatment on you which shows she is picking John & Trisha over you and well she fucked up but not your father.
Edit – Those saying Trisha is not a horrible roommate are ignoring this about her:
>She has long hair and her hair is everywhere. She talks in her sleep and I was woken up 5 or 6 times since her stay. She also sometimes tried to speak to me when I already turned off my lamp, a sign that I was going to sleep.
The talking in her sleep & purposely talking to OP when trying to sleep makes her horrible roommate to OP, especially since OP custody arrangement is one week at her mothers and other week at her father WHILE GOING TO SCHOOL! That automatic horrible roommate for anyone that not use to that along with is a light sleeper and/or has difficulty going back to sleep after being spoken to while trying to sleep.(If you have no problem with having for bunkmate in a room that does that -Kudos to you but not everyone wants deal nor be around with such roommate at nights) The hair everywhere hygiene issue made it more easier for OP to just get out.
I’m sure Trisha is nice kid in the daytime & out the house, but as roommate; she is terrible especially towards OP since that is/was OP’s bedroom…..
NTA- I’m not sure why your mom needs to make a big deal about it. This seems like the perfect solution for everyone involved. I would imagine Trisha would be happier not sharing a room as well.
NTA. At your age you really need your sleep. Not to mention I have incredibly long hair and yes, it is a pain to live with. You have to deal with clogged drains 10x more often and it does get absolutely everywhere. My bf found it in his laundry at his parents house when he went back for Xmas
NTA. I wonder how Trish feels about this situation. She might be relieved to have her own room rather than share it with a stranger. It sounds like your Mom is using this opportunity to try out this living arrangement. Sharing a room with a stranger is uncomfortable at best.
NTA. And the fact that your mother cut contact with you when you didn’t accept her imposition shows that she’s a bad mother and doesn’t care about you and puts her bf and his daughter’s feelings first.
NTA
It’s hard to share your space and staying with your dad until Trisha can go back to her mum, is a reasonable compromise.
But …
The person I feel for is Trisha:
Either her mum and dad split (you know how that feels) or she lost her mum at some point in the past.
She has lost her home to a fire. You don’t say how bad the fire was, so she might have lost a lot of precious things and memories. Also your home is something that helps you feel emotionally safe and secure.
She then had to move into her dad’s gf’s house, she might feel the same way about your mum as you do about her dad.
She has to share room with a teenage girl she that barely knows, possibly something she’s not had to do in the past either.
Finally, you complain about her and make your dislike of her in your space well know and move out until she’s left.
Trisha is likely feeling very vulnerable, lost and scared of the future.
You don’t have to like Trisha, you don’t have to like sharing your room, you don’t have to like John but it never hurts to think about how the other person might be affected by events that happen in their life and show some understanding and compassion.
How would you feel if it was you in Trisha’s place?
There are times where you can either be right or be kind. Always choose to be kind.
Nta- your mom is mad she doesn’t have complete control of you. You have done everything correctly! Your mom is being incredibly emotional immature. Big hugs!!
ESH. An emergency happened and your mom opened your home to them. Nothing wrong with that.
Communication all around could have been better. And yes, you’re acting like a spoiled brat.
ESH
The fact you don’t want to spend time with your mum because you have to share a room is bratty. Of course your mum is insulted. It wouldn’t hurt you to try to be nice to an 11yo who has been through a lot. Saying you turned off the light so you were trying to sleep and she talked to you, would you react like this if it was a friend? It’s clear you want to control things, maybe because you don’t have control of other things in your life, but this is tedious and hardly a reason to move out. You aren’t considering anyone’s feelings but your own. You are 15, so most 15yo are selfish and think the world revolves around them now more than ever, but it is very self-absorbed.
But your mum is also the adult and kids often do insensitive things and she has overreacted.
Yes. YTA. Trisha has done nothing to you, and you’re actively making them feel awful. Typical 15 year old behavior.
NTA but John is for not having adequate insurance coverage to provide a place to live in this case – after my fire they put me in a fully furnished apartment for 6 months during construction
NAH If you are open to softening it for your mom, and for making your guests feel welcome, I’d choose 1-2 nights to stay there each week. So they don’t feel like they are driving you from your home or separating you and your mom, and so your mom understands you really just want a room, you aren’t against them and want to help
NTA. Ask your mom how she would feel sharing her room with a stranger when there was another private room she could stay in somewhere else. Your mom should have asked your Dad if this were an option from the beginning. I hate it when parents don’t think about the impact of “helping” others on their own children.
Soft YTA, not for leaving, but because of your attitude surrounding this.
First of all, the fire must not have been that bad considering they’ll only be out for a couple months. My downstairs neighbor’s condo caught fire in 2022 and we went through hell with that. Our damage was only smoke but it still took us 5 months to get back in our condo. The side where the fire started took an entire year to rebuild.
Unless someone’s been through a house fire, it’s absolutely impossible to understand what it’s like. Trisha is likely experiencing PTSD. Depending on whether she was home or not, many things can trigger it. The sleep issues really stand out to me (feeling the need to talk before sleep, talking in her sleep). I used to stay up all night terrified. I still have dreams where I have to get my cats to safety and I don’t have enough time or I’m stranded where there’s a fire. She lost her home dude. Your attitude behind this makes sense since you’re still a teenager and your frontal lobe is still forming, but from an adult twice your age, you are definitely being an unwelcoming, unempatheric asshole. All Trisha wants in her situation is familiarity and comfort. She doesn’t know you, she doesn’t want to be there. She’s attempting human connection and now she probably feels like a huge inconvenience just for existing. I understand your life got slightly disrupted too but you’re making mountains out of molehills. It’s probably good you left for a bit and gave her some space, but your bratty attitude towards someone who just wants their own home back makes you an asshole.
Nta, your mom is so focused on them she doesn’t appreciate it affects you as well. Not saying that she should kick them out but I feel like she could have reacted to you better and gave a listening ear and found a better solution.
She could have let you stay at your fathers more but still stay the weekends or something so you just didn’t leave the whole time. What does your dad say about her actions?
YTA. And I’m really confused with ntas. The father is also a bit of an AH for not having an adult conversation with mother, but instead just telling you to come.
It is an emergency. I would take in an acquintance, taking in her partner and his daughter goes without a question.
You are indeed acting like a brat over what is a minor inconvenience for you and a major stress for them.
It’s not a problem for you to spend more time with dad. What is a problem is the bratty way you went about it, making your mom and people who just lost their home feel like shit because you just dropped this piece of information on them, without talking first.
Actions have consequences and you are really messing up your relationship with your mother, her partner and your future step sister.
NTA–I don ‘t understand the people who said she is the asshole. She feels uncomfortable, the other person keeps her awake. Yes I feel sorry for the boyfriend and his daughter but the mother needs to consider her blood first. Now the mother is trying to guilt her for the way she feels which to me sounds like the mother is more concerned about the boyfriend than her daughter.
NTA. I think you did your mom and BF a favor here, although they aren’t likely to appreciate it: now they know that you do not consider sharing a room with Trisha a viable living arrangement, and that you will take action to avoid it. Any future decisions your mom makes about her living situation can be informed by this. There won’t be any “But you were sharing so well with Trisha!” recriminations if BF moves in permanently and you leave. You’ve made your position and options clear.
YTA. You are a minor and your parents have a custody agreement. Where you live is not your unilateral choice, much less can you just pack a bag and walk out.
I’ll start by saying NTA, and it’s an understandable request. In my state, kids can make the choice of who to live at 14, but it would require a custodial hearing, not just something you can choose to do. If your mom gives the okay, you would be fine, but if she has an issue with it and decides to take your dad to court over it he could be facing a headache.
YTA, not for wanting your space and moving out, that’s okay but for the way you handle it.
She lost a lot of things and is going through a lot, it doesn’t cost a lot to be nice.
Like you could have talked to her first, something along the lines of “Hey, I really like having my own space, I understand that you’re going through a lot right now, don’t worry I’ll just go with my dad. This way we both will have our space”. Especially since the issues you are mentioning about your cohabitation don’t seem major. Annoying sure, but not drastic problematic things. Like it’s nothing she can change, and not her fault.
Same you could have discussed with your mother, tell her why, calmly, explain that it was nobody’s fault but since you saw an easy solution you’ll go with your dad. Then pack your stuff.
There were a lot of ways you could have handled this, that would have been nicer.
NTA. When parents divorce and drag their new significant others and sometimes their children into your life, they often act like they’re doing you some kind of favor because putting their happiness first benefits their children. We’ve gone from a black-and-white thinking society that said divorce was always bad for the kids to a black-and-white society that says that divorce is always good for the kids. Then the parents carry on with their lives as if having stability for their (kid)s isn’t important. It’s disruptive to you to share a room with your mom’s boyfriend’s daughter. As long as you weren’t unkind to the girl who lost her house, you haven’t done anything wrong by choosing to stay at your other home. Living in two places is stressful. I went through it myself, and sometimes you need to pick one place for a while in order to take the best care of yourself that you can. Your mom’s behavior reminds me of my own mother’s after my parents’ divorce. I was expected to constantly “go with the flow” and act grateful for having my life disrupted during an incredibly important developmental period. It was *always* *her* “flow” and never mine. It’s selfish of her to expect you to conform your life around her personal life when you don’t have to. She’s made choices that make things harder for you and is throwing a tantrum when you do something to ease away from that difficulty. You don’t get everything you want when parenting post-divorce unless you’re granted full custody and your kid(s) are happy about it. Sharing parenting duties with someone you no longer live with as you both go about your lives is complicated, and the kids can so often bear the brunt of a parent’s resentment of the natural consequences of their own actions. Sleep is so important, and you should be allowed to stay at the place where you can get it without dealing with a parent’s emotional immaturity.
NTA, and I’m sure you caught somewhere in there that this being “temporary” was a lie. Your mother and John was hoping you’d bond enough that this would become your new normal. But you literally rained on that parade by leaving, AND with your reasoning behind it. If I were you, I wouldn’t come back. Judging by the reaction you got, it will most likely be an emotionally hostile environment. Never let someone force you to do something you don’t want to. Your mother will be fine, hurt feelings heal just like bones. With time and care.
NTA. Where is John and Trish’s homeowners insurance in all this?? Shouldn’t insurance provide temporary housing while their home is being repaired? OPs mom is acting like moving in was the only option (and if it happened in the middle of the night I get it) but surely they could have been put up in a hotel or temporary rental once insurance investigated and started repairs….
Many are cheering OP on. I’m not buying it.
Sharing a room isn’t a crime against humanity. Plus, you seem to have been lined up to share a room with a biological sister; but now that you have to share with your pseudo-stepsister, it is “a step too far.”
This is a temporary situation.
The complaints you make are, in fact, minor irritations, and things that can generally be worked out in a calm, mature fashion.
You’re actively pitting one parent against the other.
You are, in fact, making people going through a tough time feel worse, and going out of your way to really make them feel like a burden. Ask yourself, if there was a fire in your apartment, and you and your mom had to live with John and his daughter for a few weeks to settle things… would you appreciate the daughter complaining about every little thing that was inconveniencing her?
You haven’t thought things through. So, after insulting John and his daughter, after blowing off your mom, after pitting your dad and his family against your mom, after openly speculating on using the legal system to back you up… you seem to think you can waltz back home and everything will be ok? You’ve kinda gone for the nuclear option here, so don’t be surprised when you come back to a radioactive wasteland.
So. This isn’t a case where you’re “standing up for yourself.” You are actively hurting people. For very weak reasons. That’s not self-assured, but just being selfish. YTA
YTA she lost her house and you are being a brat. I know you grew up an only child, but it’s about time you learn how to share and have some empathy
NTA
It’s only temporary until Trish and your Mum’s bf get a new place in January. Thank goodness!
I wouldn’t want to share my bedroom as a teenager having not shared before , during exam years nor with someone who isn’t easy to live with, nor would any of my (now) teenagers. Tough though it is on your Mum and I sympathise with her. But it’s your sanity…. Teenage years aren’t easy. No one should be guilt tripping you for Trish’s “ feelz”
She gets a bedroom to herself..!
When I moved house, I had to make a bedroom downstairs in conservatory with curtains etc to separate it, for my middle daughter as she refuses to share the big bedroom with her 3 years younger sister. They’d annoy each other within 3 days, yet they grew up together and love each other! I’d be very sad but understand
Try to reach out to your mum and visit for an afternoon a few times, but go home to Dad’s to sleep. The 3 adults should be working together in this, not two telling you off.
By the time it gets to court if mum wants to complain, hopefully you’ll be back home half the time with mum again ..
NTA, your solution seems the most comfortable for everyone involved.
Yta. Only because your naive for thinking your mom can’t get thr courts involved. You definitely have a right to have your own space and privacy, but little girl you aren’t understanding at all that those people LOST EVERYTHING and your being a childish petty person. Oh I am going to my dads because I can’t stand being woken up 6 times throughout the night. You definitely owe your mon an apology for your actions I hope she has custody so you’ll be forced to deal with this situation and you’ll become more humble.
YTA. You’re also ungrateful and Your mom should have just given your presents to Trisha.
YTA.
Sorry, but living with s roommate isn’t grounds to leave your family.
Also, many states you need to be 18 to decide who you live with, at 15 you still must follow the chorus decision.
Imagine if you’re mom did have another child when you got the bunk beds, would you have run away because your sister cried at night?
Soft YTA.
When I was a few years younger than you, I privately complained to my parents about having to celebrate NYE with a family who had lost their little boy in a car accident a few months ago. His older sisters were subdued or crying, and it was bumming me out. Of course, my parents reacted with the appropriate level of horror and disgust that I could lack such empathy. Looking back on it now as a 36-year-old, I see that my discomfort was rooted in the fact that this family was an in-your-face reminder that terrible, terrible things could randomly happen to people, and I didn’t know how to do deal with it. I’m getting a lump in my throat just thinking about it. I wish I had had the emotional intelligence at the time to be more welcoming.
Watching someone deal with grief and trauma can be uncomfortable at best. I encourage you to really think about the underlying reasons you do not like having Trisha and John around, and if any part of my story sounds relatable, sit down with your mom for a heart-to-heart. Bonus points if you apologize to John and Trisha. From there, I think it’s okay if you want to stay at your dad’s.
YTA and yeah making people who just lost everything also feel like crap. Life isn’t always perfect. I hope you don’t ever have to go through the same thing John and Trisha are, then deal with an entitled kid.
YTA
So it’s a little inconvenient for a few weeks. Boo hoo. Is this what you do when things get a little hard? You run away? Because that’s what this looks like. You running away when things get a little hard.
On top of that, this girl and her dad just lost their house to a fire, during the holidays. That’s traumatic in itself. And then to have you up and leave because you’re inconvenienced. Your lack of compassion or empathy is pretty telling on the kind of person you are.
NTA but that also doesn’t make you right. You are being petty and self-absorbed. People in your fairly close circle (nearly family) suffered a tragic event. Losing your home is pretty horrible. Instead of being a good sport and recognizing this as a temporary situation you made it about you. You could have spoken to your mom and suggested you’d be more comfortable at your dad’s for the next month. You could have spoken to Trisha and set appropriate boundaries (if my light is off I am going to sleep so please don’t talk, please make more effort to clean up after yourself – your hair is all over this room). The poor kid is having nightmares – she lost her home in a fire, has to live with her dad’s girlfriend in what is obviously a small house, and feels unwelcome in her bedroom because you are ticked off about sharing.
It’s a good idea to be kind and empathetic to others whenever you can.
There is a lot of nuance and complexity to a coparenting dynamic that we don’t know from your post, which makes it hard to make a clear judgment. But I’d say YTA. It sounds like your behavior is hurting a lot of people, including yourself. Also YTA to your father for not discussing with your mother before agreeing to anything with you.
You are, whether intentionally or not, establishing a standard that you get what you want from one of your parents or else you will simply leave their life/home to join the other. Although the implication may feel subtle, this is a TERRIBLE undermining and disregard for your mother’s rights and responsibilities to you as a parent – effectively demonstrating you will use your broken home as a means to now call the shots. As long as you’re prepared to play that card (and there is always another parent willing to let you leverage this position), parenting becomes a tightrope walk of no longer being able to decide what’s best for you or your future, lest risk losing you entirely to the disagreement.
In this case, for example, maybe your mother is genuinely worried that you’re showing a concerning lack of empathy to Trisha here. Maybe her point that you should be more caring is not for logistical considerations but because she’s concerned about you growing up into a kind, supportive person. Your actions say “I’m out of here – I’ll be back to treat you like a parent if/when I get what I want”. That’s so harmful and hurtful, and so disrespectful to the efforts and thought she may have put into being your parent and trying to raise you.
Again, though, this is with a huge caveat that I’m very unaware of the specifics of your situation.
NTA – You haven’t offended anyone and you merely moved with your dad for privacy, as you aren’t close to them. Not sure why people are calling you otherwise.
I think both your mother and you are the AH in this one. You’re young, you could have simply told the 11-year-old that when the light is off that’s the sign that you want to go to sleep and not talk. It takes a bit of time to practice this with her, she is 11. Also, the fact that she talks her asleep could be multiple reasons. She’s not in her true home, therefore she’s experiencing some anxiety. She’s 11 and you are in high school, this is going to be a difficult time for both of you to adjust.
Did your mother ask you how you felt about her moving in? She should have had a conversation with you with an understanding about this.
I think you have every right to move in with your dad, but I also think you should talk to the 11-year-old girl and tell her it’s not her fault. She is welcome to sleep in that room and stay comfortable as long as she needs. However, you’d appreciate she didn’t mess with your stuff and that she cleans up her hair. I have long hair that tends to shed everywhere. This is something I’ve heard all my life, and I don’t get upset about it because that’s the way it is. Considering how many vacuum cleaners I’ve destroyed that I’ve owned, I understand this issue.
I think you’re NTA for moving to your dads to give them space, but YTA for how you treat people. I think you are spoiled — her house burned down and you’re complaining about her hair, and her trying to be generally conversational. I recommend being a little nicer.
NTA. Her mom, maybe so, especially for the way she told her to suck it up. Sounds to me like it’s probably working out just fine for mom to have her lover living with her, so she doesn’t really care about how it’s affecting her daughter. She’s making her daughter the sacrifice for doing the right thing. Likely mom’s not giving up anything. Also, it’s probable that moving in with mom and daughter was not the only option that the boyfriend and his daughter had. And, to those who are minimizing the need for sleep, a teenager is at the stage of life that require’s the most sleep for health and to function properly during the day, aside from an infant. And to those who say she can just sleep with earplugs, some people really can’t, because they put pressure on the ear canal and cause pain, or just make it feel like trying to sleep with a bad cold which is not in anyway a good night’s sleep.
Yes, YTA.
Your way of handling the situation was very immature, even for a 15 year old.
Also, just how do you envision live will be when you “have my room back again”? You think all will be rosy fine? Think again.
You both need space and you gave it to her. I think you did what was reasonable here. This is a consequence of a child having other places to go, that you can’t just pull the my way! and have it work.
I don’t think this was mean or that it would be kinder to stay there. Your mom will deal with it. She’s the adult making decisions without discussion. NTA.
the biggest AH is the insurance company, which apparently isn’t giving the bf enough money to get his own temporary place.