#MovingInTogether #RelationshipGoals #Independence #LivingAlone #PersonalGrowth
Hey there! It sounds like you’re in a bit of a dilemma with your girlfriend wanting you to live alone before considering moving in together. Let’s break it down and see if this is a reasonable criteria in your situation. 🤔
##Understanding Your Girlfriend’s Perspective
It’s clear that your girlfriend values independence and self-sufficiency. This could stem from her past experiences and societal expectations placed on women. It’s important to respect her need to prove herself and stand on her own two feet.
##Your Independence and Living Situation
Living with your mom may not align with your girlfriend’s idea of independence, despite your level of financial responsibility and autonomy. Your unique living arrangement with your mom as more of roommates than traditional parent-child roles may not be fully understood by your girlfriend.
##Balancing Personal Growth and Relationship Goals
It’s understandable that you want to take the next step in your relationship and see how you both function living together. It’s a valid concern that a short “test run” may not accurately reflect the dynamics of living together long-term.
##Balancing Independence and Partnership
While it’s essential for both partners to maintain independence within a relationship, it’s also crucial to prioritize mutual support and understanding. Perhaps there is a middle ground where you can demonstrate your ability to live alone while also showing your commitment to building a future together.
##The Wisdom of Balancing Independence and Interdependence
In the Bhagavad Gita, there is a profound teaching on balancing independence and interdependence. While independence is essential for personal growth, true fulfillment comes from harmonious relationships and interconnectedness. Finding a balance between self-reliance and partnership is key in creating a healthy and thriving relationship.
##Final Thoughts
It’s natural to feel frustrated by your girlfriend’s criteria, but try to see it as an opportunity for personal growth and understanding. Communication is key in addressing concerns and finding common ground. Ultimately, both partners should feel respected, supported, and valued in a relationship.
Remember, relationships are a journey of growth and self-discovery. By approaching this situation with openness and understanding, you can navigate through this challenge and strengthen your bond with your girlfriend. Good luck! 💖
Hopefully, this article helps you navigate through your situation and provides some insight into your girlfriend’s perspective. If you have any further questions or need more advice, feel free to reach out! 🌟
She wants to make sure you can adult on your own and that she won’t be expected to be mother to you.
I wouldn’t live with someone in their first place out of mum’s house, either. I’m done teaching people to keep house.
She wants to make sure you can take care of the environment you live in without someone else cleaning up after you. I doubt it has anything to do with budgeting, the two are completely unrelated. Its a completely reasonable standard, I would never move in with a partner who had never lived alone before.
Her requirement is honestly super reasonable. Until you live on your own and keep house and support yourself, how can she trust you are ready to do so with her? Living alone in college is far from the same.
Her fears make sense. You mention you do your own bills, but I don’t see anything about buying your own food. How much of the daily tasks are on you to do? Are you a tidy person?
Have you considered doing a trial run? Living together for one month with no expectations or end result decision? Like simply 1 month together and that’s it, you don’t automatically decide to live together after it.
Yes , this is reasonable.
Not taking no for answer is also not a good look and will only push her away.
And further proves that you’re not mature enough to live with her.
She wants to make sure you aren’t a horror show like a million other dudes who can’t pick up after themselves or clean their houses. She wants a partner, not a child, and she’s setting herself up to be able to make sure that’s the case before committing to you. Also if you haven’t lived on your own before, you’ll need time to figure out how YOU want to live before you can figure that out together.
She wants to make sure you aren’t going to depend on her to do all the cleaning and cooking and managing of the home. I’m first generation American with Latin roots so not moving out until you find your partner is kind of the norm in my culture but with that said I totally get where she’s coming from. I also understand that you feel given your mom doesn’t take care of you, that this isn’t an issue but she obviously needs this reassurance. Maybe you can rent a room from someone – or find a short term lease? I would suck to move twice but if this is your person then you have to empathize with her position. And find a compromise.
OP I get it, sure in makes a lot of sense. But I beg to ask “whats your goal” ? Here is where I’m going! If you can pay of 20K student loan debt in 6 months, is it your plan to also spend more time in a place where you can save a substantial amount of money to say… buy a house; better car; live in a better place, neighborhood or whatever it might be.
So although she might want to see you spend some time on your own, you have to take into account your own priorities in life and that may just mean you spend more time in the place you are and save for a better future. I would let that sink in and not sweat moving in with her. Will it hurt not to move in at this time ? Will it change your like for her ? But if you can save 12 months of your hard earned money in the bank are you a better person for it and in a better position.
Yup. It would be one thing if you were living with friends. While there could be a friend picking up after the others, you’d still at least have to do SOME things on your own.
While you can say your mom does 0% for you besides a break on rent (can you say that? you only mention food and moving at will) it’s very hard to know for sure. There’s no guarantee that your mom isn’t doing the majority of the cleaning while you honestly think you’re doing your fair share. And the same for other chores. There’s no way to know that your “I do everything” is true until there’s not a mom to pick up your slack. And she doesn’t want to be the mom if you move directly into her.
>I have literally ran million dollar restaurants and worked 70hr weeks for 3 months on top of school
And there’s hundreds of posts here about men that can similarly do very well in work and not be hand held that can’t do their laundry, have no idea how to cook a meal, tell their gf they don’t know where the cleaning supplies are so they can’t clean the bathroom, and “didn’t see” the dirty dishes in the sink. Which is all a load of shit because they can figure out how to do well at work, but suddenly at home they’re hopeless little babies that have to be given step by step directions and usually need supervision.
And the fact that you seem to be unaware of the number of men that can handle work but fail every step of the way at home is in her favor. She’s not questioning whether you can do the job you’re paid for well. She’s wanting evidence that you can manage all aspects of running a household by yourself. It’s a different skillset and a skillset many men who excel at work love to use weaponized incompetence to get out of.
Considering how many men seem to be incapable of handling half the responsibilities, I think she’s very wise to make this stipulation.
I think it’s reasonable. Everyone should live alone first. Also she probably wants to see if you’re a total slob or if you can keep a clean home.
While your life with your mom is certainly unique, many women end up dating men and move in with them and become their mothers. Your girlfriend wants you to live alone to see how that would go. The responsibilities, the lack of failsafe etc.
And I think that is a good idea. However, if you are at a point in life where you can buy a house, **do not wait for your girlfriend to be ready to buy with you**. Do not buy a house with someone else if you can do it by yourself and you are not married. Buy the house.
“Maybe she doesn’t want to stay in this city in the future” rent the house. Make a profit with it, but a house is something that if you can buy by yourself, you should do it.
Yes it’s reasonable- she is looking for a partner not a child. She needs to know you can do basic life skills on own and not put all the physical and emotional labor on her
Your girlfriend is *so incredibly wise.* More women should insist on this. Men that move straight from living with their mothers to living with their girlfriends tend to expect their girlfriends to take care of them instead of treating them like a partner.
You’re smart to do what’s necessary to pay down those student loans quickly, but in 6 months when you have them paid off you should live by yourself for at least 6 months. If you can do that, keep your place clean and demonstrate that you can adult properly then your girlfriend will be able to see that you’re likely to be a good and equal partner.
Not only is her request reasonable, but if you break up, no healthy woman will accept you unless she has seen that you can take care of yourself and a house adequately. Way too many men out there are looking for their next mom.
I never got to live by myself until my youngest left for college. It was the most liberating couple of years of my life I’ve ever lived. I loved every minute of it.
It doesn’t matter that you say your mom and you live like roommates. You’re a man, you need to learn some independence and self sufficiency before jumping from your mom to your gf.
Considering the amount of men who go from mommy to girlfriend and treat their partners like their mommys and act like they’re toddlers who can’t clean up after themselves: yeah, her ask is extremely wise and fair.
Yes, this is totally reasonable.
When my now husband and I started dating, I also made that requirement of him. Granted, he had only lived at home and with roommates. He got his own place for 6 months, and we both agree it was the best thing we did to ensure we have a strong foundation for our relationship. He not only learned to live on his own, but he also realized what he liked/disliked about living on his own, and what HE wants from a partner when cohabiting.
It may sting right now, but try to think of it as personal growth to yourself.
There was a post a few weeks back. OOP didn’t want her bf to move in with her until he lived on his own to prove he can take care of himself. His mom was a SAHM and all the men in the family expected her to do all the cleaning and cooking. Her bf didn’t know how to cook and never cleaned anything while living at home.
she brought this up about his expectations and living together and if he expected her to do everything like his mom. He said he can pay a larger share of rent to compensate her for doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. and then he got upset when she told him he had to live on his own before she would even consider moving in together.
So it makes me wonder if your girlfriend has similar concerns. It’s actually a great idea. I wish I had done the same. My husband also came from a home where his SAHM and teenage sister did all the household chores. We moved out right out of high school and he couldn’t take care of himself. He has no life skills essentially and I grew resentful because I felt like his mother.
He finally started to pull his weight after several conversations and learned how to cook, clean, laundry etc.
So yes, her criteria is very reasonable.
I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (28m)for almost 2 years. When we met, he was living with his mother to save money, and had never lived away from home except for a short period of time where he rented a room in someone’s house. He lived there mainly to save money. I love my bf and his mom is so sweet, but I told him the same thing: before we move in together, I want you to live on your own for at least a year. (To be fair roommates would also be ok but not a parent, in my opinion).
I had a few reasons to want him to live on his won but the main one is what so many other people are saying- I wanted him to have the experience of having to do EVERYTHING. Grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc. not that he can’t, and he’s not someone who would purposely leave housework for me, but he hadn’t had that experience. I wanted him to do it so that I knew he knew all that went into that so we could share the load together and pivot as needed. Busy week at work for me? I know I don’t need to hold his hand grocery shopping and cleaning (and vice versa!!!)
Another reason was that I wanted our relationship to grow as 2 adults who did not live with their parents. I know this is a super privileged, but as2 almost 30 year olds I wanted us to be able to interact more naturally (without me chatting with his mom for 30/40 minutes before we went and hung out in his basement which to me felt like when I dated in high school). Not in a bad way but just not something that I wanted as a 29 year old. Again, his mom is such a sweet lady so she was NOT the issue for me, more that it just made me feel like we were 15 lol (and the fact that I did not feel comfortable staying over so I’d have to drive home when now, we stay at his place and mine weekends and weeknights with no thought to it at all).
My last reason was that I love living alone. I have lived alone for 5 years. I wanted him to have that experience to 1) grow as an adult the way I felt I did- find out wht I liked to do, how I liked to eat, clean, organize things, etc and 2) have him have this experience so that he didn’t resent me later or feel like he’d missed out on something.
All that to say- I understand your point but I see your girlfriend’s too. My boyfriend is NOT someone I ever thought would live by himself poorly (and he hasn’t) , but it was important to me to know he could and for him to have that experience. I think most women, no matter WHO the man/partner is, have that innate fear of turning into the maid bc of how they were raised, culture, etc. were going to move in together when both of our leases are up in the summer and I’m so excited! But at the same time, I’m glad I told him how important it was to me that he did this and that he listened.
I hope you guys can figure something out and that my perspective maybe helped! Good luck!
She knows what’s up- never move a man directly from his mother’s house to your house. Otherwise, you will be mothering him forever.