#Help #HygieneIssues #RelationshipStruggles
Hey there fellow internet pals! 🌟 So, let me paint you a picture. I’ve been with my partner for five years, and boy oh boy have we been through some ups and downs. But lately, there’s been one BIG issue that’s been driving me up the wall – his hygiene habits.
I mean, we’re talking skipping deodorant, neglecting showers, and even a toothbrush cup turned insect larvae colony (yikes!). 🤢 I’ve tried bringing it up, even bought him deodorant that’s collecting dust in a drawer. And don’t even get me started on the fungal infection situation. 🦠
I’ve reached my breaking point and drafted a message about needing professional help to work through this. But I’m curious, how would YOU approach this sticky situation? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below! 💭
Let’s chat and figure this out together – because let’s face it, we all deserve someone who smells fresh and clean! 😉 #HygieneSOS #RelationshipAdvice #LetsTalk
The hygiene stuff is gross and unsanitary and absolutely a reason to leave but this is really burying the lead
>always touching me sexually even when I ask him not to
Your partner is sexually assaulting you. He has bugs in his toothbrush, you’re cutting fungus from his feet and oh, *he’s sexually assaulting you*. If someone you loved told you this was their life what advice would you offer them?
He sounds disgusting. I don’t think you can sugarcoat this much. He stinks. And those larvae? Get mad! Make it clear!
Also, the sexual groping, very much not okay. I don’t like this man one bit.
I sent the drafted message. I feel sick, but I know this situation is unsafe for me. Moving is not an easy option for me, I’m finishing a college degree and rentals are about double my entire income even for a one bedroom apartment.
That message sounds perfect. Love that you are in therapy, and I wish you well. Don’t settle for anything less. If he can’t change now, and hasn’t changed in all these years, then he never will.
I have not really found a solution to this other than ending the relationship (I mean, if talking about it does not result in behavior change.) There’s all sorts of reasons people might have bad hygiene, many of which aren’t on purpose — people generally figure out early that bad hygiene is one of the fastest routes to social ostracism. *If* it is fixable, and it might not be, I think your professional help plan is the way to go. (I’m not sure what support you’d be asking from from his family exactly? but if it makes sense to you, sure.)
I’m sure a lot of people are going to dogpile on this with stories about guys being gross, but hygiene issues aren’t a gender thing.
Keep in mind people can get defensive as all get out about hygiene issues, and sometimes *apparent* indifference is actually a shame-based defensive mechanism: just because he *looks like* he doesn’t feel bad, does not mean he doesn’t. It may well mean he’s got executive function issues or something else that sounds ridiculous or like he’s just making excuses if he tries to explain it, so he’s learned to not try.
Anyways, the hard part isn’t the wording, it’s deciding to do it and sticking to that decision. But if you’re really stuck for a script, maybe something like:
> “Sweetie, I love you, we’ve been together for a long time and been through a lot and I want to keep being together for much longer.
>There is something getting in the way of that though. It’s a sensitive issue, and I’ve had a lot of difficultly figuring out how to talk about it. I’m having a lot of trouble with how you’re handling your hygiene, specifically you smell bad when you come to bed and you had insects growing in your toothbrush cup. I thought buying you deodorant might help with the body odor, but as far as I can tell you don’t use it.
>I think it’s likely that there is some mental illness getting in the way or something like ADHD or autism, and I want you to talk to a mental health professional about how to have better hygiene. I *need* your hygiene to go back to where it was earlier in our relationship, or else I won’t be able to stay in this relationship. But I do *want* to stay and as long as you’re working on it I’m willing to be patient, and support you in any way I can.”
Anyways, I’ve had a partner who was a really good partner in many ways but *did* have some hygiene issues that interfered with our sex life and persisted through me trying multiple things to fix them. As far as I can tell he wasn’t taking me for granted or anything, it was just weirdly hard for him and he’d been in therapy for *years* but either they didn’t talk about hygiene or it hadn’t helped. But the first couple years of our relationship he was able to push himself to a higher standard, for a while. Anyways. I hope this works. It might not — it might not even if he’s trying his best, and it might take a while or only work partially even if it does work some. But yeah. You need to have this conversation, as unpleasant as it is.
I’m more concerned about the sexual touching, I’m not sure *what* to say about that and there seems less room to assume good intent there, but if he does it in his sleep *that* part at least he presumably does not have control over so there may not be a good way to deal with that other than separate beds. Might be worth talking with a doctor though, it might be something in the same ballpark as sleepwalking, idk.
BTW this is a relatively extreme thing to put up with in a relationship, if you *do* break up you are not all that likely to run into bugs in the toothbrush cup issues in future relationships. And it would be OK to just break up *now* if you wanted to, this is way beyond normal compromise and work through it together stuff.
I don’t know your relationship with his parents but I think it may be worthwhile to reach out to them regardless of what you send to your boyfriend. I don’t suggest going behind his back necessarily. However, being unable to complete ADLs (activities of daily living) is really concerning and indicates that he’s not doing too hot mentally. My partner has CPTSD and we’ve had to have similar discussions to what you mentioned. It’s really hard, so hugs to you for handling it as best as you can! 💓
I would say you’ve thought this through very well (and I’m sorry you have to deal with this)
Hygiene can affect not only you and your life, but it most definitely impacts his life as well (mental health, clarity, goals etc..)
I would say that he should also try being more clean just for his life in general. There’s a peace that can be found (and success) in cleaning and having that in your life.
Nope, you leave now. He doesn’t care and obviously hasn’t grown up if he’s laughing at insect larvae.
With kindness. Be as kind as possible. My wife just hit me with “I can’t believe you weigh that much”. Really crushed me.
Deodorant expires??
Honestly this is grounds for break up.
The amount of women coming forward about their man’s horrifying hygiene is just scary and unfair. It’s bad enough they don’t help with the house labor unless nagged at, women have to deal with compromising their health because of the man’s ungodly hygiene problem. It’s really heart breaking how so many men drain the life out of their women. I sometimes want to cry, this should be considered a form of abuse.
I can’t imagine sleeping next to something to gross and smelly every night
Thanks everyone for your input. A constructive conversation has begun, which seems quite promising,
From your previous posts it looks like you are in NZ. Have you had any luck approaching WINZ/Kainga Ora for support with accommodation or benefit?
Why are your standards so low? Seriously. You can do better than a dirty ex junkie
Eta wow a dirty ex junkie that molests you.
Holy shit.
Sounds like you’re living with Shrek, time to leave the enchanted forest.
Nasty but you are impressive and I have hope in humanity after reading you !
Offer him a guide on hygiene or an app that reminds him to have proper hygiene. Idk…
You are not his mother, if his education is a dealbreaker then make sure he understands.
I don’t understand how these men even get women in the first place
Update: he took it really well. He’s a little distant, which I understand. It all came from a place of love. He’s realised things got bad pretty quick, and is going to seek support.
Try FUKO – feedback technique that focuses on behavior not on person. Say about facts, how do you feel about that, consequencess if nothing will change in this matter, and finally – what’s your expectations.
It’s important to be calm while commmunicate that- it’ll be much easier to your target to take and think about the problem.
I think this decline in hygiene is tied to the previous use of substances. He dropped one habit for another. Did he ever go to therapy to explore why he abused substances in the first place?
I think that & this are things he needs to address with a professional. But you say he also doesn’t contribute to the household unless pushed? Sounds like beneath it all you have a hobosexual in your hands.
I’d rather be 50 & single than what you are describing 🤢
GIRL