Hey there, new mom! 🌸 Are you struggling with a difficult situation with your mother-in-law after giving birth? It’s totally normal to feel emotional and overwhelmed, and it’s important to prioritize your well-being during this time. Let’s break down the situation and discuss whether or not you were in the wrong.
🍼 The birth and recovery period
First off, congratulations on the birth of your baby! Recovering from childbirth can be a physically and emotionally challenging experience. It’s completely understandable that you would be in a sensitive and vulnerable state during this time.
Setting boundaries
You and your husband had initially decided to limit visitors for the first 1-2 weeks, but you ultimately called your mom over for much-needed assistance. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being during the postpartum period, and having your mom’s support seems to have brought you comfort during this challenging time.
🥘 The food situation
When your mother-in-law brought a variety of gluten-filled foods to your home, despite knowing about your Celiac disease, it’s understandable that you would be upset and frustrated. As someone who has just given birth and is still in recovery, the last thing you need is added stress and discomfort from being unable to eat the food brought by your mother-in-law.
Reactions and responses
Your emotional reaction to the situation is completely understandable, given the circumstances. It’s natural to feel upset and overwhelmed, especially when dealing with food-related challenges on top of everything else. It’s commendable that your husband supported you and took the initiative to handle the food situation, ensuring that you had something suitable to eat.
Support from friends
The thoughtful gesture from your best friend’s husband in bringing you a homemade gluten-free treat demonstrates the importance of having a supportive network during this time. It’s heartwarming to see the care and consideration shown by those close to you.
Handling family dynamics
It’s unfortunate that your mother-in-law reacted negatively and has been attempting to turn others against you. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and surround yourself with individuals who offer understanding and support.
In conclusion, it’s evident that the situation with your mother-in-law was difficult and emotionally taxing. It’s crucial to prioritize your own needs and well-being during the postpartum period. It’s important to remember that your emotional state is completely valid, and it’s essential to have a supportive network of individuals who understand and respect your needs during this time.
Ultimately, you are not the one in the wrong here. It’s understandable that you were upset and that your mother-in-law’s actions added unnecessary stress during an already challenging time. It’s vital to prioritize your self-care and well-being above all else. Your husband’s support and understanding are invaluable, and it’s essential to communicate openly with him about your emotions and needs.
Remember, you deserve understanding, compassion, and support during this delicate and emotionally intense period. Trust your instincts and prioritize your own needs and well-being as a new mom. And as for your mother-in-law, it’s important to set boundaries and prioritize your emotional health during this time. You’re not alone, and you are definitely not the “asshole” in this situation. Stay strong, mama! 💪🏼👶🏼
>MIL brought homemade lasagna, pasta salad, muffins, and two types of cookies, all full-gluten, and explained to me that she was sorry but she had limited notice and only had time to make my husband’s favorites
NTA – YIKES. I’m glad your husband has your back because she seems like a piece of work. Even IF it was a burden to make gluten-free food (it is not) prioritizing his favorites right after you had a baby is next level awful.
You are completely nta. You have an allergy and shoved a watermelon out of you six days prior to your MIL visiting. I have friends who can’t have gluten, and it’s extremely easy to change a dish slightly so they can also eat. Don’t let MIL come over until you’re fully healed. Matter, in fact, don’t let her come over at all.
If time was the issue – they could have ordered it just as your husband did! This is a hassle is a definite shot at you and when you are down.
So sorry that happened to you. NTA
Congratulations on your new little one.
If time was the issue – they could have ordered it just as your husband did! This is a hassle is a definite shot at you and when you are down.
So sorry that happened to you. NTA
Congratulations on your new little one.
NTA.
>MIL brought homemade lasagna, pasta salad, muffins, and two types of cookies, all full-gluten, and explained to me that she was sorry but she had limited notice and only had time to make my husband’s favorites.
She made ALLLL that, but didn’t have time to make 1 gluten free thing? BS. She did it on purpose because she was mad your mom got to meet the baby before her.
NTA. On top of being pushy to visit when you’ve expressed the desire for some space to readjust to life with a newborn, she “only had the time to make her son’s favorite foods” which included a lasagna, muffins, and several kinds of cookies. That’s total BS on her part as there are so many easy to find substitutes out there that she could have used. Her continuing to harass you completely puts her in TAH category for me.
NTA. Your MIL tried to make everything about herself.
True, she’s probably feeling excluded because she doesn’t understand the literal help your friends have been…and come on, your mother being there should be understood as a given.
She’s probably very hurt though because she has possibly interpreted all this as “everyone’s seen the baby BUT us! What’s wrong with us?”
Side note: GF cooking is pretty damn simple, a fact that came out when your friend brought you GF Tiramisu. She was embarrassed and frankly, she should have been.
>MIL has been texting/calling and trying to rally people against me since.
This makes her a TA. What a piece of work. I’m glad your husband stands up for you both, you’re going to need it.
NTA. I totally understand MIL for being a little hurt that the other grandma got the meet the kid, but not her yet, but honestly, coming over empty handed and asking what you all need would have been better than making a bunch of stuff she KNOWS you can’t eat. One of my BFF’s is Celiac, so I know how freaking horrible it is.
Congrats on the new baby, and your hormones and mood will start to balance out soon. <3
NTA, MIL sucks, not much else to say.
Well, it’s pretty clear both your husband and FIL are on your side and have told MIL that she was in the wrong. Easy to see that you’re NTA.
NTA- she’s trying to get brownie points with your husband and completely ignoring your needs. Cooking gluten free is so easy now, it’s essentially a non-issue.
NTA
I think it’s plainly obvious that the food choice was purposeful and meant to hurt you, in response for her feeling hurt. Hubby needs to set her down and explain that choices that were made were made for your comfort and well-being and not for anybody’s feelings to get hurt.
If he can’t get her to understand that, you are going to have years of problems on your hands.
NTA – your husband hadn’t just given birth – it was completely unnecessary to focus on his favorites. It’s also not difficult to make things that are gluten free – it is no more burdensome or time-consuming than making food with gluten. Your MIL was being passive-aggressive, and bizarrely so.
I really don’t get your MIL. First of all you decide who you want to see and when you want to see them.
You don’t need to keep it secret and you don’t need to apologize to anyone for it. Espacially at this point in time.
What does your MIL hope to accomplish with her actions? First of all cooking gluten free isn’t hard at all. Just don’t use wheat, rye, barley, and other grains and don’t put sauces or other stuff that contains gluten on the food. Boom gluten free.
For me we got multiple things here.
1. She forced her visit onto you, 2. She cooked food just for her son and made sure you can’t eat it, 3. She had to make a couple of stupid remarks in your direction. 4. She tried to rally people against you.
I say f her. I would go completely NC. Don’t open open the door if she visits you unannounced and block her on everything.
Remember she has no right to see your child, but you have every right to remove her from your life.
I’m glad your husband got your back.
How to have very limited & far in between visits with your son grandchild and daughter-in-law 🙄
NTA
Nta. She couldn’t be bothered to throw in a salad??? She’s obviously stressful and you should keep her away until you feel better.
NTA. Your MIL is being ridiculous. How time consuming is some potatoes, a salad or vegetable dish and a stew or a bit of meat of some description?! She did everything to show that this was for her son’s benefit, not yours, that it’s all about her. It’s not all about her. She could have been considerate, gracious and THANKFUL that you brought forth her grandchild in pain and suffering. She should be cherishing you, not showing her petty jealousy.
OP, I’m glad your husband sounds like he has his head screwed on properly. Don’t doubt yourself.
NTA. She’s rude as fuck. She only had time to make her son’s favorites? Did he push her grandchild out of his penis? I don’t think so! I’m 10 years postpartum and I’m so mad at your story it’s like I’m full of hormones too. Fuck that lady and her stupid cookies too.
NTA.
Your husband sounds like such a supportive partner. Congrats to both of you on your new baby!!
NTA
What sort of asshole brings food to the home of a new mother, but brings food that she knows the mother is unable to eat? Your MIL – that’s the sort of asshole that does it.
>MIL brought homemade lasagna, pasta salad, muffins, and two types of cookies, all full-gluten, and explained to me that she was sorry but she had limited notice and only had time to make my husband’s favorites
NTA and big yikes about your MIL.
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>MIL has been texting/calling and trying to rally people against me since.
Sorry, correction- double yikes about your MIL
NTA. My mom’s got a gluten allergy (not Celiac, but just a straight-up gluten allergy). I’ve got experience making gluten-free stuff to the point where I keep gluten-free stuff in the house for when my mom’s going to be visiting-which is often. Gluten-free flour for when we’re going to be making cookies and stuff as well as beef stew or anything that requires a roux. There’s gluten-free pancake and waffle mix in the house as well as gluten-free pastas. It’s not that hard!!! Willing to bet that your husband willingly eats gluten-free stuff so you don’t have to make 2 batches of stuff. It wouldn’t have been that hard to make your husband’s favorites gluten-free-there’s gluten-free lasagna noodles out there!
How difficult is it to broil chicken, make mashed potatoes/ rice , broccoli and a salad? My daughter and I are gluten intolerant and making a meal is not a an issue. But MIL wanted to make her baby boy his favorite things not the food recovering wife with newborn could eat. That was a stupid power play on her part. Gluten free pasta and flour is available and easy to use your MIL is upset because she called out for not being truthful. Also bet the lack of gluten free food was a direct jab at you because she wasn’t able to visit the baby right away.
It amazes me how other people minds work, as a MIL ( no grandchildren yet) if I wanted access to my grandchild I would do everything possible to please my DIL. Not be a jerk and then act surprised when denied what you really want. It’s biting the hand that feeds you. The ego of people like MIL amazes me.
NTA – Your MIL put on an entire play to demonstrate to everyone why you were right to have your own mother over and not her.
NTA it always amazes me how these mil’s forget what it was like after giving birth. You want who you are most comfortable with and someone who will take care of you which includes emotionally. You’ve got a great mom and great friends who live nearby. Listen to your husband and just block your mil and anyone else who tries to talk crap. Worry about yourself and your baby and do not let them ruin this time for you.
NTA!!!
You just gave birth and MIL is already creating problems… She KNEW exactly what she was doing by bringing over food she KNEW you couldn’t eat, then gets upset because you gave some of that away??? Seriously???
Good think your hubby isn’t a ‘mama’s boy’ and has your back!!! I know many guys who wouldn’t be as compassionate to their wives and would have backed up the MIL…
NTA
Total power move by your idiot MIL. She does know that her precious baby is now married and has a child of his own? And if she wants to be around said child she needs to be nice to the mother?
If she doesn’t remember any of this, you’ll need to remind her.
NTA. MIL literally made a menu that was ENTIRELY gluten. don’t have celiac myself, although I have other autoimmune diseases & I know from my friends who do have it that eating it can cause major health problems.
Not sure what age it shows up in kids, but I would make sure you have your child or future children tested because clearly MIL could not be trusted to respect there any dietary challenges they might end up having.
NTA.
She is upset all these people are getting to help you, but didn’t in fact help you when given the opportunity.
If she had time to make a lasagna, she had time to make literally anything else, cause that shit is time consuming! She made muffins and cookies too, but couldn’t throw together a salad, some roasted veggies, some baked chicken? Nah, she did the classic evil MIL move of taking care of “her baby”- your husband- and likely doing it to teach you a lesson. It just didn’t work because your husband has your back, and you also stood up for yourself.
NTA
She came over to help and did nothing but do everything wrong. Her whole visit started out passive aggressively from the start. I have a friend who has celiac disease, I wouldn’t even dream of bringing something not gluten free to her home, especially if she just had a medical procedure. New Moms need support and a helping hand, it sounds like your MIL came over to give you neither and complain that she wasn’t first to see the babe.
NTA.
It’s amazing to see that your husband fully has your back and won’t allow that to happen. You are doing amazing and going through a lot, and don’t even question your reaction. If people are mad you because you’ve made them realize MIL chooses to not respect a dietary requirement, that’s a them problem and then some.
My MIL, after 14 years, still can’t grasp my allergy and is constantly trying to feed me things with it. And she’s even argued with me over my allergy and claimed that I’ve always eaten x when I haven’t. I noticed she gets particularly loud about it when there’s others to witness, because she prides herself in being so accommodating. She doesn’t stop until my husband voices the reality, but the next visit it happens again. So when we have our little one in 5 months, I won’t trust a single thing she brings over.
NTA it’s not like the delivery of your child was a surprise. It is very easy to substitute gluten free noodles in either the lasagna or pasta salad. Zero reason she didn’t have that in the pantry weeks ahead of time.
You are nta. MIL was disrespectful. While your mother and your friends came TO HELP, she was only thinking about her want to be the first to see the baby, as if it was due. She could certainly have brought something gluten free, it’s not that big of a deal. It’s not like you’re asking to bring champagne and caviar. Let’s also say that she really thought it wasn’t that important to bring something for you too… At least she could have felt sorry when she saw that you were upset and apologized instead of taking it out on you. Good people don’t attack someone who is already crying! Instead of escalating the argument, she could have simply made a peace offering, offered to help with the cleaning or something.
I don’t understand why people of that generation make it so difficult about special diets. When I was a child I had to avoid many foods because of digestive issues. Some adults treated me like it was my fault, that I was intentionally being “a burden” for needing a special diet. I lost count how many times someone told me that it was just an excuse for being picky. I also had to deal with assholes trying to sneak forbidden ingredients into my food just to prove that I was lying about it being a medical issue. People can be awful when they don’t tollerate differences.
Wow, MIL was sending a message, wasn’t she? LOL, how petty and obvious to make all of her son’s “favorite” and conveniently full of gluten foods and completely neglect to bring even one tiny bag of gluten-free cookies or a bunch of bananas that the person getting all the support and attention for being a new mom can eat.
Jokes on her because she’s revealed her hand and your husband is 100% clear about who she is and is supporting you. Stand strong in your boundaries with her because she has shown you just how little she respects your very real needs and this will translate over into care for your baby.
Edited because I forgot the obvious NTA.
She had time to make:*”… homemade lasagna, pasta salad, muffins, and two types of cookies…. but it was just so time consuming and burdensome to make things gluten-free..”*
Yeah, right.
NTA
“She said they’d bring food & arrived around dinner time.” Meaning she knew you’d be hungry and purposefully didn’t bring you anything… If making something gluten free was too hard she could have ordered something like your husband did. NTA
NTA, your MIL sounds toxic AF.
NTA but she sure is. The point of bringing food is so that mom has ready made food to eat while she’s recovering, exhausted and caring for the baby. If mom can’t eat the food then she wasted her time.
And even if she couldn’t make you gluten free food you’re telling me she couldn’t have picked something up for you from the store? BS. She’s being intentionally antagonistic.
NTA. MIL didn’t want to actually help, she wanted to seem to be helping, and to be congratulated for helping. If she had actually wanted to help, she would have either made an effort to make what you could eat or asked you what you wanted. Instead she made, I’m assuming, what was easiest for her.
And when what she did didn’t get the gratitude she craved, she didn’t try to correct the mistake, she struck back at you, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. You did nothing wrong. You just had a child and have a medical condition. This puts you under a ton of stress. MIL just had to show up.
Props to your husband for having your back on this. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
She had time to make a whole fucking lasagna and three baked goods, but it “wasn’t enough notice” to make something you could eat? NTA. She was going for a power play. Lasagna takes forever.
Let your husband handle her.
NTA
Fellow Celiac Mama here, also with an inconsiderate to malicious as hell MiL. Remind her that Celiac has a hereditary link and learning to make time to cook safe foods for her grandchild might be worth considering
I’m sorry, but she had time to cook *two* mains and *three* desserts but apparently doesn’t have time to duck down to the supermarket and at least get gluten free pasta for pasta salad and maybe something like ice cream?
She sucks, and that is a nasty little power play. NTA.
NTA, she literally went to the trouble of making the most gluten full meal as she could. 2 types of cookies? Muffins? A PASTA salad to go with a lasagna?!? She knew what she was doing and is pissed your husband had your back.