#Boundaries #FamilyDynamics #LivingTogether
Hey there! So, I’m in a bit of a pickle and could really use your thoughts on this. 😅
Here’s the deal: my girlfriend and I have been living together for about six months now, and while I generally love our setup, we’ve been hitting some bumps in the road. The main issue? 🤔 Her parents are crossing boundaries and it’s driving me a little bit bonkers! I mean, we’re a couple living in our own space, but for some reason, her parents seem to think they have a say in how we organize things.
For context: I’m a pretty private person. I grew up relying only on myself and prefer my things to be just so. My girlfriend, however, loves her family and wants them involved in our lives, which I completely respect. But here’s where it gets weird—her mom has a habit of taking liberties with my stuff.
The other night, after working a 12-hour shift, I came home, exhausted and ready to crash. What do I find? Her parents had decided to “organize” my office space and even folded my underwear! 🤨 Imagine my surprise walking into our bedroom, only to see her mom handling my personal belongings. On top of that, they dumped a bunch of boxes from her parents’ house in our living space without asking!
Here are some things that have been really bothering me:
– **Lack of Communication**: I had no clue her parents would be over, and I would have appreciated a heads-up.
– **Personal Boundaries**: I don’t want anyone moving my things when I’m not home. It feels like a violation!
– **Girlfriend’s Reaction**: When I try to talk about it, she shuts down instead of engaging, which leaves me feeling isolated.
A possible solution I think could work is having an open discussion with my girlfriend about setting clear boundaries with her family. 🗣️ Here are a few ideas for how to approach it:
– **Schedule Family Visits**: Plan times when her family can come over.
– **Create “Off-Limits” Zones**: Agree on areas where personal items should remain untouched.
– **Communicate Clearly**: Make sure we both feel comfortable addressing issues together when they arise.
So, what do you think? Am I overreacting, or do I have a point here? Have any of you dealt with tricky family dynamics while living with a partner? Would love to hear your stories or tips! 🤷♂️👂
NTA Wow, sorry dude. I hope you didn’t yell in front of her parents . She definitely should have texted before you arrived. It’s bad enough to stack those boxes in your office and shut the door, but rearranging and organizing? No, you must ask before doing that! You’re going to have to set family boundaries with your girlfriend. Nicely and calmly. First, stay out of your mancave!!
NTA. You have full right to the privacy of your home, that nobody touches your stuff without your permission and also that you get heads up about visits and a say in it. Since it is obviously not common sense in her family, then you need to set clear boundaries to your girlfriend and she should push them upon her parents. Otherwise you will have a constant problem in a relationship. I am like your gf: very close to my family and my mom would help out all the time. BUT, NEVER the office of my husband, she doesn’t even enter there without asking and being all apologetic about it. And certainly not touching anything in our bedroom. And they always ask about visits, that’s simply a normal thing to do.
So, don’t feel bad about wanting to set boundaries. I am a bit worried that your gf just shuts down, it’s hard to communicate with someone who ….well, doesn’t communicate…
NTA. You’re the only one living there and she is constantly letting her family invade your space. If you were in their home and they rearranged your stuff, you would be pissed. This is no different. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.
NTA, I would absolutely flip the fuck out.
Do NOT change or move my things ever without me knowing it and agreeing on it, that’s a core rule in my life.
I most likely would have told them to undo their bullshit and leave the house until it’s back to what it was with a firm agreement they never ever gonna do shit like that ever again.
My grandma did something like this to me 20+ years ago and she put it all in garbage bags, atleast she had the sense of not throwing it away right away, but apparently all my tickets to concerts with autographs of the bands on it was garbage in her eyes…
Needless to say it greatly damaged our relationship.
NTA
It’s important to have boundaries in any relationship, including with in-laws. Your girlfriend’s parents crossed a significant boundary by coming into your shared space, moving your things around, and touching your personal belongings without your permission. This is particularly concerning since some of these items are valuable and sentimental to you.
It sounds like there’s a communication breakdown between you and your girlfriend. While she may be more accustomed to her parents being involved in her life, it’s crucial for her to understand and respect your need for privacy and boundaries, especially in your own home. Her shutting down during conversations makes it harder to resolve these issues and creates more tension.
Your home is your sanctuary, and it’s reasonable to expect that your personal space and belongings will be respected. It’s not unreasonable to want a heads-up when people are coming over or when something is being done in your home, especially when it involves your things.
loool NTA. you should visit their home and just reorganize their bedroom. move cabinets around, put the bed somewhere else and mix everything in every drawer you can find. then wait for them to drop by and tell your partners mom she is welcome 🙂
NTA, but nip this in the bud now. I mean right now. Touching someone’s underwear that is not your kid or your partner is a line too far. I live with my son in law, and I won’t do his & my daughters laundry BECAUSE it has his knickers in it. That is an invasion of privacy. The underwear, the office, the closet, all of it. Potential in laws have demonstrated they have no boundaries, but most importantly, your girlfriend has no backbone. You will not be able to manage her lack of respectful interaction because they are her parents and that is her responsibility. Talk to everyone now.
NTA I would have yelled at the parents…
NTA. If this situation has happened before, she needs to come up with a new tactic other then mentioning you don’t want people touching your stuff without permission and then just shrugging when it happens anyway.
Probably the nicest (if you feel like it) way to handle this directly is to thank her folks but remind them that in the future, you don’t want any sort of clean-up attempt made in your home without you at least knowing about it first. If they complain, then ask them when’s the next time they’ll be out of their home for a few hours.
NTA. This is so frustrating. You need to have a sit down talk with your girlfriend and probably with her parents also because it doesn’t sound like your girlfriend is ever going to set the boundaries you need because she doesn’t understand what you need in this situation.
Lock the office from now on.
This is a preview of what married life would be like. This is your future MIL interfering, and your future wife NOT STANDING UP TO HER when she’s touching YOUR POSSESSIONS WITHOUT PERMISSION.
OP, this is an enormous red flag. You should seriously reconsider the future of this relationship.
NTA
NTA
Anybody other than my husband caught folding my underwear would never darken my door again. They should have dropped her stuff off and left it to the two of you, the people who actually live there, to organize everything.
NTA. Some people really freak out when you screw with their stuff. I am one of those people. It’s not that uncommon.
If someone has lived long enough to have children they bumped into somebody who doesn’t like their stuff being touched. They should have known better. But worse I think they did know better. But I think they felt they were entitled to do what they wanted because they thought they were right and that your feelings and wishes didn’t matter.
100% NTA!!
I suggest that you send text messages to her and her parents telling them that it’s fine if they touch and rearrange her stuff, but they are under no circumstances allowed to touch, rearrange, or in any way change the way you deal with your stuff! That the way you have your things arranged and displayed matter greatly to you and you insist that you are to be respected and that any form of “messing ‘ with your stuff IS disrespectful!
Tell your GF that you are sorry for yelling and losing control, but she needs to understand that you feel violated. As far as you are concerned your essential trust that she will prioritize your needs and desires is damaged.
Her mother should not have been folding or touching your underwear either. Not without a good reason anyway. (Like doing laundry for gf because gf is ill or injured) Her mother is not your mother, and this early in the relationship she is not even a mil figure.
You said that the study is the one room that you have for the majority of your stuff, does that mean she has free reign to set up the other rooms as she sees fit? If so then you have extra reason to feel violated.
You need to sit down with her before you send the text and let her know that no one gets the right to tell you that your feelings and needs don’t matter. If she wants her feelings and needs to matter then she has to respect yours as well.
If she wanted to share the study with you, she should have waited to ASK you AND to rearrange it only with your help.
Then let her know that you are going to send the text because her parents need to know that you have boundaries and expect them to be respected.
Of all places you go each day, your home should be your safe space and your sanctuary. If you’re in a situation where your belongings are being defiled, your peace is being assaulted, and the environment isn’t safe enough for you to be able to recenter so that you can take the world on again when you leave for work the next day, then you need to get out of that situation.
NTA. Youʻre going to need to talk to your girlfriend, very clearly and calmly, and enforce boundaries.
She proved that she wonʻt defend your stuff from her parents.
That means her parents are no longer welcome in the apartment when you arenʻt there. She needs to get back the keys she gave them.
If she wonʻt do this, you arenʻt compatible living together, because who knows what her parents will do next time?
NTA get a lock for the door.
Info: is this the first time your gf has lived with someone other than her parents?
NTA and you very much have a girlfriend problem. These are HER parents which means it’s HER responsibility to set boundaries with them, since there clearly are none. Being family-oriented does not mean you comply with their every whim or allow them to do whatever they please in your home. The parents behavior shows zero regard or respect for you, your girlfriend, or your home. There was no reason for the mom to “organize” anything in your home, particularly since she wasn’t asked to do so. She had no business in your closet. And her being in your room, FOLDING YOUR UNDERWEAR is just plain WEIRD and frankly, invasive. Your girlfriend allowed her parents into your home, allowed this behavior, then failed to communicate any of this with you before you came home after a 12 hour shift. I think you are justified in being upset & frustrated, particularly since you stated this has happened before. I get why you ended up yelling and from what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like your go-to method of communication. More like the result of multiple frustrating interactions and difficulty getting your girlfriend to communicate with you.
Is your girlfriend in counseling, and if not, has she considered it? You said she “completely shuts down” when you try to discuss these things with her. You asked why she didn’t say anything to her mom about touching your things, she replied, “I did” but that was as far as it went. Has she always been this way? Have you two ever discussed why she shuts down & won’t speak? Good communication is one of the keys to a healthy relationship (of any sort) and it sounds like your girlfriend has trouble with that. A professional may be able to help. You two have to be on the same page when it comes to boundaries with her parents. No more showing up and rearranging things. Leave at a reasonable time. And DO NOT touch your underwear!
Also, if her parents have a key talk to your girlfriend about getting it back & changing the locks. If you change them do NOT give her parents a copy of the new key. If they already have one and give it back, I guarantee they made a copy.
Oh, wow. NTA
Your girlfriend needs to sort her parents out. Being family oriented does NOT mean allowing her folks to violate your space and letting them go ham with your things. Especially in your office – how on earth can they know what you need or not need for your job?! It’s her family, it’s her job to keep them in check.
Info: your gf told you she did say something to her mother about touching stuff in your office. How is their relationship? Does your gf need help to keep her mother from bulldozing her?
Its only going to get worse.
YNO and NTA because I don’t like my stuff being organized as I can’t find what I’m looking for a d get annoyed at it.
Make sure your must valuable items are still there.
“Reorganizing” can be a cover for theft.
NTA
NTA
Set boundaries now or it will never stop. I understand where you’re coming from. Don’t touch my stuff. It may look messy to everyone else, but I know where everything is in that mess.
Info: Is the office a shared space? Does your girlfriend also have her own space?
you’re dating a wittle waby
I’m sorry, OP. NTA. You moved in with a child. Mom still decides what she does, where, when, and how. I’ll guarantee she knows everything about your life. How much you make. Your sex life. Your favorite food. Your favorite color. And mommy is gonna whip you into shape. In her mind. Your girlfriend says nothing because mommy has trained her that way. She’s still a child. You need to move out or move her out. But understand this will be your life if you’re with this person. Good luck OP.
NTA…but you might want to go through your cards and box them up while you make sure none are missing and store them some place safe. And anything else that is of value to you, sentimental or otherwise. Then give your girlfriend one more chance to get her parents in line. If she “can’t” do that and you only signed a year long lease, start planning your exit from both the relationship and the apartment.
NTA this drives me insane. I cannot fathom why people think it’s okay for this kind of invasion of privacy.
NTA. They had no business in your office. They had no business rearranging anything. Since gf can not stand up to her parents, change the doorknob on the office door. Not a passage knob, but an entry knob. And only you have the key. Lock it when you are not in there.
You need to set some clear boundaries with her parents, but you can’t enforce them when you are not there. So, a lock it needs to be.
Nta
CHECK THE TRASH RIGHT NOW.
People like them will throw stuff away just because they don’t see value in something.
Her parents are definitely TA.
But I’m concerned by the way your girlfriend reacts to it, it sounds like she’s so conditioned to it that she no longer reacts. And that her parents are steamrollering/bullying her into acceptance. So on one side she has her parents who refuse to treat her like an independent individual and then on the other she has your (righteous) anger.
Communication is the only way forward – it seems clear to me that her parents refuse to listen to her, perhaps she would benefit from some professional support? But the two of you really need to be on the same team with clear boundaries and objectives.
Whoa. Dude. A few things.
It’s not about the parents . Or the cards. Those are just triggers.
Your gf is seriously nonconfrontational. With her parents or with you. Her parents don’t have many boundaries, and she doesn’t know how to provide them herself. Yelling at her (which you did, and now you regret) to protect you when she can’t protect herself is not going to help.
She picked you because you are nothing BUT boundaries. She thought (subconsciously) you’d help HER with her walls. But you’re aggressive and she’s massively avoidant. That’s why she shuts down. Your loner tendencies probably made her think you’d be more avoidant, too – which is her comfort zone.
You both need to talk about how much personal space you need, and how you feel about intrusions. And how to deal with conflict – with each other and others.
It’s fixable – as long as you both want to put in the work. Wishing you both the best!
NTA, as always, the problem are not the parents, but your girlfriend, she must know how to put you, your relationship above her parents, if she can’t do that, it will cause even bigger problems in the future; marriage, children, finances… whatever.
You have to talk, if you can’t get professional help, a counselor or someone. This problem of her relationship with her parents will not be solved by itself, it will not diminish, but it will get bigger and bigger, there will be bigger, more important life challenges and decisions in front of you, so her parents, especially her mother, will think that they make decisions and interfere in your life.
NTA next time you’re over that their place “picking up boxes” rearrange their stuff.
Kitchen drawer stuff into the bathroom. Office stuff into the kitchen.
Move stuff randomly anywhere.
“As you are so invested in moving ny sfuff without permission, rhyme, or reason – I thought I’d return the favor”.
NTA. They all crossed major lines here. Let’s unpack this dumpster fire.
1. Gfs mom was folding your intimates? WTAF kind of weird ass shit is that? No. Just… NO. My husband (who I have known since we were 16) did not WASH my underwear until after we got married in our 30’s and he became a SAHD. He will bring the clean clothes to my closet and I will fold/put away how I want. Those are very personal items that parents of a GIRLFRIEND should not even consider touching.
2. You work 12-hour shifts and they were there so long they were eating dinner and hanging out at 10:30 at night like it’s their house? That is so flagrantly inconsiderate it shouldn’t even have to be mentioned. You would think they would have tried to scurry out before you got home after what they were doing there all day, but that leads me into #3…
3. They rearranged your personal belongings without asking or permission?! What kind of psychopaths think they have the right to rearrange anything in someone else’s home without their express permission? Let alone items from a personal office space? Just because their daughter lives there doesn’t mean everything in the place is hers or, by extension, theirs to mess with. I’m the same with my office – organized chaos. It looks like a mess to anyone else, but I know where things are and that’s all that matters. Because it’s MY office!
4. Your GF tried to intervene, meekly, one time, and just let her parents steamroll right over her! When you try to have a serious adult conversation, she just shuts down? What is she, 18? This girl needs to grow up if she wants to play house. She’s no longer in mommy and daddy’s house, they are not in a position of authority in her life or home anymore. She needs to grow a spine and stick up for both of you or, if you stay together, this will be your future. And you will become a regular on s/JUSTNOMIL.
If she sucks up to Mom and Dad and ignores your wishes you might want to tell her to keep those boxes they brought over because next time she’s going to need them to move back to her parents. Was married to my wife for 42 years before she passed and while her parents died off like 20 and 12 years ago whatever they wanted was much more important than what me or our family wanted. Do you have the patience for decades of this?
Check the trash. I bet everything your Mil deems ‘rubbish’ is in there.
Why do people who perform unsanctioned cleaning always think they are doing some sort of favor? Are some people just incapable of seeing an organization style that doesn’t match their own, as a “mess”?