#Stepmom #BonusMom #Stepfamily #FamilyRelations #RelationshipIssues
Are you feeling conflicted about using the term “bonus mom” for your stepmom? 🤔 Do you struggle with the idea of accepting her as a second mother when you already have a strong connection to your biological mom’s memory? 🌸 You’re not alone in this dilemma. Many individuals in blended families face similar challenges when navigating relationships with stepparents.
## Understanding Your Perspective
Emotional Complexity
– Losing a parent at a young age leaves a lasting impact on your emotional well-being.
– Respecting your stepmom while honoring your biological mom’s memory creates a complex dynamic.
– Your stepmom’s efforts to bond with you are appreciated, but the connection might not align with her expectations.
Personal Boundaries
– Recognizing the difference between a stepmom and a second mom is essential for maintaining your personal identity.
– Setting boundaries around how you define your relationship with your stepmom is crucial for your emotional comfort.
## Validating Your Feelings
Realizing Shared Experiences
– Connecting with individuals who share similar sentiments about the term “bonus mom” can help validate your feelings.
– Acknowledging that your stepmom’s step-niece also struggles with this label reinforces that your perspective is valid.
Respecting Individual Choices
– Expressing your discomfort with the term “bonus mom” doesn’t diminish the love and care your stepmom provides.
– Choosing to define your relationship on your terms doesn’t make you insensitive or ungrateful.
## Navigating Communication with Empathy
Open Dialogue
– Emphasize that your feelings are rooted in personal experiences and are not a reflection of your stepmom’s efforts.
– Engage in honest conversations with your stepmom to convey your perspective while acknowledging her intentions.
Understanding Different Perspectives
– Recognize that your stepmom’s desire to be referred to as a bonus mom stems from her love and commitment to you.
– Embrace the opportunity to explore alternative terms or ways to honor your connection without compromising your comfort.
In conclusion, it’s essential to prioritize your emotional well-being and communicate effectively with your stepmom. Finding a middle ground that respects both your feelings and her efforts can lead to a stronger and more harmonious relationship. Remember, it’s okay to have conflicting emotions and set boundaries that honor your unique journey in blending families. 🌟💖
NTA Your feelings aren’t wrong. You don’t like your stepmother calling herself your bonus mom. It is what it is.
HTA
Firstly, therapy isn’t there to make you accept what your stepmother wants. So the answer to that is none.
This is how you feel. You love your stepmother. You just don’t like that term. And that is ok because it’s how you feel. You are entitled to your feelings.
NTA. Ask her to respect your feelings, or you can refer to her as “my dad’s wife.”
I think it’s brilliant and super cute!
She’s lucky because I called mine, StepMonster (bc she was)
There is nothing worse than a step parent trying to come into a blended family like this and forcing things on the kids because of what they personally want out of it instead of what is best for all involved. So many posts are on Step parents who are overbearing and/or overwhelming and doing stupid shit. So many potential good relationships get ruined because of parents trying to force their image onto the new blended family. Let that build naturally. Its not easy for kids ever even in the best of situations. All forcing bonding is going to do is push people away which seems to always happen. A lot of damage happens because of stuff like this.
NTA. You gotta feel what you feel. No bonus about it
NTA your purpose in life is not to make others feel special by sacrifising your own toughts and feelings. She is not entitled to you calling her bonus mom just because she wants to. It is for you to decide what she is to you. And her and your dad being pushy about it might be exactly why you feel this way, and right fully so. Because it does not sound genuin when she wants the title even though you are not comfortable, and trying to guilt you with saying she has out love and effort onto you. Love should not be conditionall.
NTA.
OK, stepparents and unrequited crushes, listen up. Someone who does not want the same sort of relationship with you that you want with them is not “being unkind.” You are not owed a motherly, fatherly, or romantic relationship with someone because you have been nice to someone, treated them well, or done things that you think of as “parental” or “romantic” for them (no, not even if you are their biological parent). Love is a GIFT- and not one the giver can necessarily choose to give if they don’t feel it- not a duty or a trade good to be handed over in exchange for a certain amount of work or effort or good intention or niceness on your part. It cannot be bought, it cannot be earned, it happens or it does not, and if it does not, it may hurt, but you have not been cheated of something you were entitled to.
Right. Rant over.
NAH. Stepmom loves you and has been in a mothering role for almost double the time you had your Mom. OTOH, you are behaving appropriately for your age and developmental stage. Your kindness in trying not to hurt her feelings is admirable. It’s hard for parents to shift focus from doing everything to becoming more of a safety net for your child. These are just growing pains. It sounds like you are both coming from places of love, so it’s likely you’ll make it through and end up with a great adult relationship.
NTA, so why exactly was this woman who claims she wants to be a “bonus mom” eavesdropping into a conversation?
*”when my stepmom has done everything to be a good mother to me.”*
Except respect you.
Listen to you.
Understand what you are telling her.
Pushing boundaries you’ve set.
Oh, yeah, she’s a real banger of a “bonus” mom /s
There’s nothing wrong with her just being a step-mom, I love my step-dad, and there’s nothing wrong with you both mutually loving each other in that regard and that’s what you actively want with her. But something is wrong with this woman that has herself deluded into think she needs to be more that when being that was more than enough. That’ll never be on you to cater to.
NTA
You don’t see her as a mom. You see her as your father’s wife and a caregiver but not a mom. That’s fine. At least you haven’t gone out of your way to hurt her.
You hurt her here because she was eavesdropping which is really uncool.
You need to tell both your father and your stepmother that while you love her; the emphasis always being on what she wants; hurts. And is part of the strain of the relationship. You do not need to force yourself to feel something to make someone else feel validated or special. And let them know they continually beating this dead horse could lead to resentment and worse.
Also point out to your father that what you doing isn’t cruel because you aren’t lying to her and making her believe something just to pull the rug out from under her. That if both of them had respected your wishes from the start there would be no issue. But they have turned a blind eye expecting you to just give in to their wants. And that is cruel to you. And he’s projecting and probably knows it.
And I’m sorry you and your step-cousin are both suffering from the entitlement of sisters. But apparently it’s genetic in that family.
NTA.
I don’t understand this whole forcing relationships thing. People act like you can simply make yourself love someone. Your feelings should be respected. What parents/stepparents like yours don’t realize is that the end result is often a fractured relationship when the kids are adults. With them harping on you like this, are you going to be enthusiastic about coming back home and spending time with them when you’re an adult?
NTA.
I think what dad and stepmom are missing here is that “bonus” implies a perk. And I’m sure you feel no perks about having her over your mother. I’m sorry for your loss.
Nta.
You didn’t say anything wrong and you weren’t ugly about it.
It was unfortunate she overheard you but how you feel is how you feel and no amount of therapy is going to change that.
My mom passed when I was 5 as well. My dad married her best friend a year later. She has always been my stepmom and the only time she tried to push it was when I was 13 and she screamed at me and my sister for calling our aunt Mom but not her. She wouldn’t stop screaming about us respecting her and calling her mom bc she felt she had earned the title, how it was unfair that her daughter is called our sister but she’s not called mom. Her daughter and my sister had been best friends most of their lives being only a month apart in age so whether or not our parents got married she would be considered our sister. My sister was 19 at the time and slapped her to get her to stop screaming bc my dad was just standing there letting it happen. She told her she will never be mom to us and to let it go.
My aunt stepped up and raised us bc within 6 months of her marrying my dad, we were forced to move in with my maternal grandparents due to step mom having a mental break. After a couple weeks we moved in with my aunt and she’s been mom almost ever since. She’s the one who did everything for us, took care of us when we were sick, kept our bio moms memory alive, taught us to drive and was the shoulder to lean on through our first heartbreaks. She still does all that 30 years later. Thankfully my stepmom never brought it up again to us and is understanding now that while she is married to my dad, she is not our mom or our kids grandma. The kids call her Yai Yai instead of grandma and we only really see her at major holidays and on FaceTime.
I however am a stepmom and my stepkid (nonbinary 16) prefers bonus mom and bonus kid as the descriptors bc they know I’ll step up and fight alongside them whenever needed and they know their mom will always be mom. We split custody and make sure all needs are met between households. I think it helped that when my husbands family refused to stop deadnaming them, I brought out an air horn and trained the grown adults to stop using the name they have hated most of their life.
Nta. Both step mom and bio dad need to chill the fuck out and stop trying to boundary stomp and tone police your choice of words in regards to your mom and step mom.
NTA. Your **STEP**mom doesn’t get to choose your feelings for her. She’s lucky, she could have easily ended up with the relationship her sister has with her stepdaughter has
NTA. I get it. Tell her your feelings about the term don’t have anything to do with her. You love her. She loves you. She’s family. But she’s not a “bonus mom”. Your mother died. That’s why she’s there. She can be a great as great can be. But it’s not a bonus for you. Your mother died. Bonus implies extra. There is no extra mom. Your mom is gone.
NTA
Also I need people to stop seeing step as a bad word.
Maybe if they focused less on finding some extra term to make them feel important and focused on just being a good stepparent, the relationship would be better.
I understand why she is hurt. But you aren’t wrong to feel the way you do. Maybe just have a chat with her and let her know that you do appreciate her. NTA
NTA
I’ve been a step-mom for almost 19 years. I’ve always followed my step-daughter’s lead on the type of relationship she’s wanted. Even if it wasn’t as close as I would have liked at some points but our relationship isn’t about me and what I want. It’s always been about whatever she was comfortable with and wanted.
You are far far too young to pass judgement.
All 15 year olds go through phases of hating their own bio parents even if the bio parents are good people. We are supposed to test boundaries. Complain. Roll our eyes and be dramatic.
You never got to the stage where you saw your own mom as a human. Unfortunately you never will. She will remain young and perfect for ever.
It sounds like step mom has done her best to be her best. It sounds like you have done your best to be kind.
I think the term step is so ingrained in us as evil step that for those people who don’t hate each other it doesn’t seem the appropriate term. Henceforth bonus was added as a way to describe relationships that were not hostile.
If step is hurtful to her and bonus is hurtful to you, is there any other term that you could both agree on? Auntie is an Indian term for any adult woman even those not related by blood. So
Maybe you could put your heads together?
Why are the adults in these situations always so concerned about the feelings of the other adults? The kids are given no choices. They’re expected to worry about the feelings of the adults as well.
NTA your step mom isn’t owed motherhood from you. Not her, your dad, no one can decide she’s a mom or bonus mom to you except you. You’re not doing anything malicious in fact they are
NTA
And your stepmom needs to chill out with a name she wants for herself. Otherwise you are going to resent her and not love her as much.
She chose you. She chose to be with a man who had a kid. you didn’t get that choice. You didnt go out looking for a bonus mom. She DID go looking for a bonus kid – a kid that already existed without her birthing him.
Your feelings are valid. You also love her – that’s a major thing for her and she really should be more grateful for that affection.
I’m so sorry about your loss. You sound like you’re growing up to be a sensible young man, keep it up OP!
NTA, but you and your dad and his wife need to have a CALM talk, preferably with a 3rd party present to keep things in perspective. A therapist would be great, for example.
His wife was snooping and overheard something she didn’t like. That’s what she gets for snooping.
FWIW, I think the phrase “bonus mom” is kind of stupid, too, and I wouldn’t want to use it.
But she cares about you and wants to feel cared about, and for some reason “feeling cared about,” for her, has something to do with the name you use for her. Whatever. That’s a little on the selfish and presumptuous side, but OK, she’s human and she sees the word “mom” as being essential here.
So now it’s up to all of you to stop demanding things individually, and instead come to an agreement, mutually, of what to call her. And that will probably mean compromising on a name that NO ONE likes, but also no one HATES. Maybe even “Step Mom,” which has the virtue of being 100% accurate. But the point is to figure it out together, and then stick with it.
NTA. Your stepmom doesn’t get to define who she is to you.
You love her. She needs to focus on that instead of her “title.” Its not like shes giving out business cards for your relationship. NTA
Okay but… she’s not a bonus mom. Bonus implies an extra thing when you already have enough of that thing. It’s incredibly dismissive of the fact that you *don’t* already have a mom. Your mom passed away. All the adults involved are all being incredibly weird about this. Tell her you’re open to therapy as long as you get to choose your own therapist. NTA
Honestly I’d say NAH. I get where your step mom is coming from and where you are coming from.
Nta
As a stepmom here.
Step parents should never one force a relationship or demand to be called or seen as something they are not.
I have 2 stepkids. One hates me because it means her mom and dad won’t ever be together again. Odd since she is 32, we have been together 22 years old, and their mom, who I get on with, has been married for 28 years. The other I call him my boy. Mom and he said ok before I did, though. He has always called me by my first name. Referred to me as hus dads wife. Never bothered me. 20 years later, we were shopping and checking out, and he said mom I forgot something.” I sobbed like a baby. He laughed at me. Cashier congratulated me. It made everything worth it.
I can understand she sees you a certain way. But that does not give her or your dad a right to demand you feel a certain way. To demand you use what she wants. Her wants in this aspect do not matter as she was the adult.
Any therapist worth their title will tell them they are overstepping and can not force feelings to be returned in the same way, and yo continue yo push will only have you drift away from both.
IT IS NOT YOUR JOB AS THE CHILD IN THE RELATIONSHIP TO MANAGE THE ADULTS FEELINGS.
NTA. And here’s why. You didn’t tell her that. She and her sister eavesdropped. Didn’t like what they heard.
Letting your stepmom say “bonus mom” and “bonus son” is … harmless is too strong … but you say you have a good relationship and she thinks of you as her son.
I’d say:
I’m very sorry you guys overheard that. I think of you as my step-mom, and I love you. I just don’t like “bonus mom”. BUT I know you do and I never intended to hurt you — that’s why unlike (insert name of sorta cousin) I didn’t make a big deal about it.
Now that you know how I feel about it, your response is up to you.
NTA. She’s your stepmom, not your bonus mom.
I have NEVER heard “bonus” mom or son used in this context before. I know many people with bonus family, bonus parents and bonus kids, and none of them are stepparents or stepchildren. In my experience bonus family refers to the people that otherwise wouldn’t have a title but who are families of the heart. For instance, I have friends who are the “bonus parents” to their “bonus son”, someone who went to high school with their kids whose mom was dead and whose dad was not interested in parenting or connection. They adore this kid and got him through his teen years and have him somewhere to come home to when he went to college. He is in their family pictures. I have friends who refer to their mom’s best friend as “bonus mom”.
Paint me confused. Why is your stepmother all churned up over semantics? Personally, I’ve always considered the ‘bonus mom’ to be a woman who performs the “mom” role when your biomom is alive, whereas a ‘stepmom’ marries into the role, either through divorce or death.
Either way, NTA. You might give them both a dictionary and have them look up the definition of bonus. Mine says: something in addition to what is expected or strictly due. Your stepmom is doing what is expected as your father’s wife – that does not make her a ‘bonus’.
NTA
OP, I’m sorry you lost your mom so early in life. Internet hugs
Nta. You feel how you feel. Feeling something else cannot be forced on you.
So just a thought. Does your fathers wife cook and clean for you? Does she run errands on your behalf? Did she hug you or comfort you when you were sad or hurt? What I am trying to point out is that she does perform motherly acts for you. She will never be your mom, but maybe there is a term of endearment you can come up with that shows that she does have her own special place in your heart. You said that you love her, so maybe talk to her and you two come up with something together.