#OverprotectiveParents #StepsonConflict #FamilyDrama #ParentingStruggles
Have you ever found yourself caught in the middle of a family conflict that pits your spouse against your stepchild? 🤔 The age-old battle of overprotective parents versus independent young adults can create tension and strain relationships within blended families. In this case, it seems that the issue of Janet being too overprotective towards her grown son, Paul, has sparked a heated debate. Let’s delve deeper into this dilemma and explore potential solutions to ease the tension.
##Understanding the Conflict
Janet’s Perspective:
Janet’s protective instincts are likely driven by a deep-seated desire to keep her son safe and secure. As a mother, she may find it challenging to let go of the reins and allow Paul to navigate the world independently. This behavior stems from a place of love and concern, but it can inadvertently stifle Paul’s autonomy and hinder his personal growth.
Paul’s Perspective:
On the other hand, Paul, as a grown man with a career and a track record of traveling solo, feels suffocated by his mother’s overbearing demands. He craves independence, freedom, and the opportunity to explore the world on his own terms. Paul’s desire for autonomy clashes with Janet’s need to protect him, creating a source of conflict between mother and son.
##Seeking a Resolution
Honest Communication:
Encourage open and honest communication among all parties involved. Establish a safe space for Janet, Paul, and yourself to express your thoughts, concerns, and feelings without judgment. By fostering a dialogue centered on understanding and empathy, you can bridge the gap between conflicting perspectives and work towards a mutually beneficial solution.
Setting Boundaries:
Establishing clear boundaries and expectations is essential in resolving the conflict. Help Janet understand the importance of granting Paul the freedom to make his own choices and exercise his independence responsibly. Encourage Paul to communicate his travel plans and check-ins with Janet to alleviate her worries while respecting his autonomy as a grown adult.
Creating a United Front:
As a stepfather to Paul, it’s crucial to strike a balance between supporting Janet as a parent and advocating for Paul’s autonomy. While it’s natural to have differing opinions on parenting styles, presenting a united front in front of Paul can foster a sense of cohesion and solidarity within the family unit. Emphasize the importance of mutual respect, compromise, and understanding in navigating conflicts effectively.
In conclusion, navigating the delicate balance between parental protection and adult independence can be a challenging task for blended families. By fostering open communication, setting boundaries, and working towards a united front, you can address the issue of overprotectiveness while honoring each individual’s needs and perspectives. Remember, it’s okay to have differing opinions, but it’s essential to approach conflicts with empathy, respect, and a willingness to find common ground. 🌟#FamilyHarmony #BlendedFamilySolutions #EmpathyAndUnderstanding
Umm what? He’s 35! Ya cut the apron string this is just insane.
NTA. Paul is a grown man and can live his life how he pleases. Good for you for not enabling wife‘s infantilizing behavior.
NTA. At what point does she stop or is it never? She has to learn sometime.
NTA. Your wife sounds like my parents and jesus it is EXHAUSTING to be treated like a small child when you are an adult with your own life. It’s permanently damaged my relationship with my parents. I try to minimize my contact with them, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your stepson does the same thing if your wife continues down this path.
NTA. Paul is 35, not 17! Janet is making an unreasonable request.
NTA, they asked for your opinion and they got it. You might do better to stay out of it in their future conflicts though; they’re both adults and can figure things out themselves
Sounds exactly like my mom and I cut contact with her because of it. Tell her that if she wants a relationship with her son, she needs to understand he’s a grown adult and she’s only driving a wedge between them. You are NTA.
NTA, he’s an adult, if she wants to know where he’s at, she can send him a message or something like that and he’ll get back to her when he has a chance, I mean it’s a 3 weeks vacation so he’ll have some time to catch up IF he likes to, she’ll need to leave him get off the nest, there’s really no need for a full itinerary, that’ll just let her know when to call and “check” on him and try to control him on the few times he’ll have to decompress on the trip.
Man, there was no need for her to say it like this “I should present a united front and not try to act like Paul’s big brother all the time instead of step father” you don’t have to side with her if you know that it’s kind of ludicrous what she’s suggesting.
I hate controlling parents, srry if I ranted a bit
NTA I get why your wife is worried about her son going on a trip, but the son is 35 and can take care of himself. He should have his own personal space and her wife should learn how much is too much.
NTA.
It is cheating for Janet to look at you “for your take” and then expect you to be dishonest. If she and her son want to work it out, they should leave you out of it. If they want your opinion, they should ask for it. But they shouldn’t play games like this.
**Asshole score: 3.** (1) Being crazy overprotective of a grown-ass adult. (2) Asking for your opinion even though she didn’t want it. (3) Beating you up for being honest.
You’re NTA.
>she said I undermined her as a parent in front of her son
Good grief, **her son is 35 years old!** She has no authority over him any more. She will always be his mother, but he is too old to be parented.
NTA – Janet wants you to validate her concerns. The question is where do these concerns come from? A lot of times overprotective parents are constantly thinking the unthinkable.
Shot in the dark: I’m guessing Janet has a past history of things falling apart as soon as she gets comfortable – making it kinda impossible for her to exhale and think everything will be alright about a lot of things.
I think it’s good you advocated for Paul. He’s a grown man. A mom is never going to stop being concerned about her kids no matter how old they get but if she really does seem overly protective, it could be time to address what’s lying under the surface with a professional.
NTA.
“Undermining her as a parent” to her 35 yr old son??? Yeah, that’s not a thing.
Paul needs to cut the apron strings. You’re best to stay out of it. But if the dynamic between the two of you is otherwise healthy (IS it actually healthy?) I’d stay out of it from now on and just know their dynamic is regressive, and if anything support your wife in getting out of her adult son’s business.
NTA. Your wife needs to accept that she is not his protector anymore 🙁
No nta . Janet is. Her son is 35 and way to old to be treated like he 2. He is a grown man
NTA – He is an adult and she needs to back off. That said, it would be good for him to leave SOME information beyond just his phone. It is always good to have someone have a general idea of what is going on in case of an emergency.
NTA, as a 35 year old being watched over to that degree can get a bit infuriating. And having someone have my back like you had his would’ve been awesome
NTA. My mom liked to have my itinerary and I gave it gladly but I’d never give her my friend’s info She never asked but I def wouldn’t give her access to my phone’s location Unlike some of my friends.
NTA. Her son needs to tell her she either gets the itinerary or he doesn’t answer any of her phone calls/doesnt call her. She gets one or the other, not both. My fiancé and I are going to Thailand for our honeymoon and my mom told me that my dad mentioned he’s nervous about us going there (even though they both know it’s a safe place to go and they go scuba diving overseas ALL THE TIME and want to go to Thailand as well) but he’s not going to put stipulations on us as adults. She needs to let her adult son be an adult.
And it’s NEW ZEALAND FFS. One of the safest places on the planet.
NTA because they asked.
But honestly, her ask in this specific situation wasn’t over the top. Adult or not, it’s a good idea to for someone else to have your itinerary when traveling alone, especially to a different country. I’m in my late 30’s and I share my travel info with my folks just because. It hurts nothing, the information already exists, and it helps to put the minds of my loved ones at ease. Plus it’s not like they are gonna be following me to make sure I’m doing exactly what I said like some sort of child.
It doesn’t matter how old your kids get, they never stop being your kids. You trust that you raised them right and they will make good and safe decisions, but you still worry. Nothing wrong with respecting that.
NTA. She didn’t want your honest take unless it happened to line up with her opinion. I would agree that she’s being ridiculously overprotective of her son. Presumably, since he is 35, he should be able to make this trip successfully without her knowing every step he plans to take from start to finish.
As for “presenting a united front,” that’s even more ridiculous. If Paul were still a child in need of punishment for breaking some rule, sure, both parents would need to be on the same page. However, Paul is an adult who is simply taking a trip that he, as an adult, has every right to take without seeking parental input or permission.
Also, what is the “united front” you’re meant to take here, that he’s not allowed to go on a trip without his mother knowing everything about his plans and the people he’s traveling with? Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if he gives up on his mother ever seeing him as a real adult, and ultimately pushing her out of his life.
You’re in the right and good on you for looking out for your adult stepson.
NTA
NTA but maybe Paul needs to stay in NZ a bit longer to get away from his mother for a while.
**35 years old**
Janet needs to understand that he is a grown ass adult not a toddler. Also correct me if I am wrong but isn’t New Zealand one the safest countries out there right now?
He’s 35 for goodness sake, time for mommy to cut the cord… NTA.
NTA, I’m a year older than he is and his Mom’s lucky she got the information she did get.
The fact that she thinks she’s entitled to more than that simply because she refuses to deal with her trauma is going to be the single biggest reason why he ghosts the hell out of her because until she gets the help, it’ll progressively get worse especially when he starts his own family because she’ll try to steam roll him and start suffocating the grandkids.
NTA. I love my parents… but my mother is well.. over bearing… I am 30 have not lived at home since 22.. and I moved to Vegas to get away from exactly that kind of shit… I’m from Chicago…
NTA the poor guy is old enough to run for president yet she’s still treating him like a child
You’ve got to be kidding me/us
No 35 yr old needs to give a blow by blow account of his/her travels
Phone calls a couple of days apart/on a regular basis is fine, anything else is cuckoo 🤪
Flight and hotel schedule is also ok
If your wife is this nutz, schedule to take her on a local (?) trip of her own… for your step child’s sake
🤪🤣🤣🤣
NTA. Janet needs to remember her job as a parent is to work herself out of a job. I get she’s worried, but her little boy IS grown up now and she needs to step back.
Although I do understand her concern because if something happens he may not be able to use his phone, then what?
I’m your age and I voluntarily leave my itinerary, if solo traveling, with my parents because I know it soothes their worries, and they don’t treat me like I’m 15, requiring it from me.
Mutual respect and trust goes a long way.
NTA.
Flight information and hotel information is reasonable. Asking for more detailed information about friends etc is over the top.
NAH. I’m a 41 year old woman and I travel alone and I always make sure to let my sister know my full itinerary. I keep her posted as I make plans during my travel as well as has everything up front. I’ve heard and seen way too many stories of international solo travel of people going missing and no one knowing where to start because they don’t know what the person was up too.
He has his right to privacy but she also has the right to want to know his plans. She may have gone a bit over the top but he’s her only child and given the state of the world, I think some of it is reasonable.
NTA. She shouldn’t have asked for an honest take without knowing what you were going to say. He’s an adult and she has no agency over his life. Period. If he was a 16 year-old kid, things would be different. She is going to push this man away. Possibly, you as well.
NTA, will she want a breakdown of his sexual engagements as well. To me that’s similar, my oldest is 27 and I wouldn’t ask him either!!
NTA. Did your wife tell her mommy her every move when she was 35?
Here’s what she needs to know. When she is this over the top, she’s telling Paul that he has poor judgement and needs constant guidance. What good mother does that to her grown son unless he has poor judgement and needs constant guidance.
He doesn’t need it. She did her job. And now she needs to let him lead his own life.
NTA. But honestly this is actually a very reasonable ask, especially if he is travelling solo to various different locations. Anything could happen and if (god forbid) she needs to involve the authorities being able to tell them where her son was supposed to be and who he was supposed to be with could make a huge difference. She’s not asking he wear a tracker she’s just asking for his plans.
NTA. Neither is she.
While her concerns may be from an overbearing stance, it’s actually a good policy to leave this kind of information in case something were to happen.
People go missing while traveling all the time.
NTA she needs to back off. He’s 35 and fully baked no parenting left to do. But I will say when I travel overseas my daughter has my itinerary. I do river cruises and she can track the boat and has a tracking app on my phone. I can see her and granddaughter too on the app. Do I care? No, but I think a 35 year old man would. She needs to back off. Oh and you calling him step son is weird. He’s your wife’s kid. He’s an adult 7 years younger than you. He is your friend not a stepson.
NTA – It seems Janet has a lot of anxiety to work through, While her feelings are valid and real to her, her son is a man and deserves to be treated as such.
NTA. The whole “united front, don’t undermine the other parent” thing doesn’t apply when the child is almost middle-aged. There is no authority to undermine when your kid is 35 years old.
NTA. He’s an adult who has traveled before, and it’s New Zealand, which is one of the safest countries in the world. And, it’s not as though there’s a language barrier that could cause an issue, either.
She’s overreacting. Honestly, she’s lucky he gives her an itinerary at all.
Definitely NTA, even more so when she asked for your opinion. If she didn’t want the truth, she shouldn’t of asked. Her son needs to establish and enforce boundaries with her and this is a good starting point. Disagreeing with her doesn’t mean you’re acting more like a big brother than a step father either. She just angry because she was wrong.
Nah
I Can see how this can be excessive if it’s part of a bigger picture…
But here’s the thing:
You don’t hike alone. You don’t camp alone. You don’t travel alone – without someone knowing exactly where you will be.
Perhaps in this instance he can leave the itin with you or with a close friend (whom he tells you guys who it is) but someone gets his itinerary.
That’s basic travel safety.
Ps just got back from New Zealand and had a blast! He’s gonna have a great time.
If you’re in the US he’s safer in NZ 🤷🏻♀️
NTA