Do I need help handling my mom’s negative reaction to my niece’s name, Wren? #FamilyNames #Grandparents #RelationshipAdvice
Background
My mom had a strong negative reaction to my niece’s name, Wren, due to past family trauma related to nature names.
Situation
- Mom has been moody and angry since I suggested she work through her issues in therapy.
- I encouraged her to enjoy her granddaughter without the fear and anger surrounding the name.
Confusion
Do you think I am at fault for recommending therapy to my mom? I want her to overcome her negativity towards Wren’s name.
>I told mom I was sorry for what had happened and suggested she work through that in therapy because Wren’s name isn’t changing and doesn’t she wanted to enjoy her granddaughter without all this fear inside of her that bubbles over into anger. I told her the issues with the name are hers to work through at the end of the day.
NTA – That is all correct.
NTA. Your take on the situation is absolutely correct and you gave great advice. Your mom just doesn’t want to hear it
I’m not at all saying this is right or mature, but I tend to react more strongly to disagreements with my husband when I know he’s right than when it’s just a matter of opinion. You’re NTA and handled the situation well by listening and being empathetic, while also honest and… correct. Unfortunately, this means you may be on the sh-t list for a while as your mom works through and accepts this.
>She actually asked my brother why we had to say the name so much
So out of line. NTA, OP.
>I told mom I was sorry for what had happened and suggested she work through that in therapy because Wren’s name isn’t changing and doesn’t she wanted to enjoy her granddaughter without all this fear inside of her that bubbles over into anger.
A very sensible answer.Â
NTA – you listened to her point of view and found out it was her personal issue that most likely needed to be resolved. She needs to figure out how to get over this if she hopes to have a good relationship with this granddaughter. Another thing is ‘control’. I cannot tell you how many grandparents who wanted input into the naming of a grandchild and it never ends well if they don’t back ff on that control need.
NTA. It’s possible the family members your mother had rough history with are closer (like siblings in one nuclear family or cousins who were very close). If that nature makes family were closer it would make sense their behavior was similar and your mother was affected.
Your niece is your brother’s child,in no way linked to the other nature names other than the theme of the name choice. You’re right that your mother needs to work this out. The issues are with the people who treated her badly, not with their names.
NTA
I could understand if she was tortured by a person with that exact name, but to hate ALL nature names forever is very extreme. The suggestion for therapy was on point, especially since a newborn baby deserves none of that vitriol.
NTA but please keep in mind that if the name links to trauma, it is going to be a journey for her. Be supportive of her (which it sounds like you are doing) and keep gently pushing her down the road.
Nta- great job!
I was a teen with an older sister who drove my parents nuts. My mom used me to vent to about it. Good for you for telling your mom to get a therapist . I wish I had had the guts to tell my mom to see a therapist and to leave me out of it. You’re right about your mom. Don’t be the family therapist. For me it continued for years. I wish I had noped out of those venting sessions right at the start.
Mom is behaving like an absolute child.
NTA.
NAH so far. If she keeps pushing or being disrespectful she will be. That said, ask your mom is she wanted someone to vent to or if she wanted advice? I think she wanted to vent so when you offered advice she felt unheard and like no one cared to listen to her. Sometimes people just need someone to vent to and get some validation that they are allowed to have feelings about something even if they know its dumb to be upset about it. Therapy would help her if she is open to it but not everyone feels comfortable venting to a stranger. If she is open to advice then if she is religious maybe she can speak to her priest, pastor, rabbi, whomever in order to get some kind of blessing or something on the baby and it’s name (with the parents permission of course). She can also have a nickname for the baby for until he is older. My mom calls mine peanut even though she loves his name.
NTA. Your mom may be angry at you because she was expecting you to back her. But you don’t have to support this nonsense. Hopefully she’ll get the message.
NTA , you gave very sensible advice.
Part of the fun of growing up is finding out that your parents are bat shit crazy
NTA. Maybe mom can learn to hear it in her head as ‘Ren’ like ‘…and Stimpy.’
Yeah its not her kid. She needs to give it up
NTA. You sound much more mature than your mother does in this situation. I hope she does seek help.
NTA and good suggestion for therapy. She should tell your brother why she was so upset. He might not take it well since he unknowingly chose a name that would have been triggering to her. Have you noticed her acting that way towards people named Robin, Raven, Phoenix, Jay, etc.?
Your mother has a simple choice here. To deal with the name or to find herself distanced from the baby and her own son. Therapy was good advice.
NTA
Maybe mom needs to come up w a nickname for Wren. Lots of people do that of course. What about Birdie? Maybe that’d be too ‘nature-y’ tho. Something cute that no one is offended by, while she works (w a therapist?) to unpack her trauma from the nature-themed abuse of her childhood. You’re NTA, but it would be kind to try to understand what pain your moms actions are arising from.
I didnt like my grandsons name as it is bane Ive only heard fror dogs, but i grew to love it. I never got Angry or told people to stop saying it, as I knew it was my problem.
Your mom needs therapy.
>My mom seemed so frustrated with me when I made the suggestion and she pulled back and has been moodier since. She seems so on edge and angry with me.
She’s moodier and frustrated because she knows you’re right. There’s a lot of people out there that don’t want to accept that they themselves are the problem. It’s easier to push their problems onto other people’s shoulders. She was hoping they would change the name if she complained, making it so she wouldn’t have to deal with it herself.
Plus, some people believe getting therapy means there is something wrong with them. There is a stipulation that only crazy people need therapy, or that mental health issues are a hoax. It’s ridiculous, but those ideas do exist. Your mom does not necessarily believe that, but it’s a possibility. It doesn’t sound like that is the problem but figured I’d throw that out there.
(Did I use stipulation right? 🤔)
>I told mom I was sorry for what had happened and suggested she work through that in therapy because Wren’s name isn’t changing and doesn’t she wanted to enjoy her granddaughter without all this fear inside of her that bubbles over into anger. I told her the issues with the name are hers to work through at the end of the day.
NTA. All the right things were said already. You had a very sensible reply.
NTA. Your suggestions are good (if they were said respectfully and not as a scold) but when people have issues, being told to deal with their issues can trigger the issues! Sorry you got caught in the explosion. Hopefully, your mom can take your words to heart when she’s feeling calmer. Please don’t try to push the issue until she’s ready.
Pretty sure this is a bot. This story was posted yesterday from SIL point of view. This account is brand new.
NTA: you were 100% correct and more gentle than I would been.
NTA. My grandmother HATED the names of each of her great-granddaughters. They all reminded her of people she had disliked in the past (in retrospect, probably not too surprising. She was awesome with kids, not so good with adults) She also loved and adored those same great-granddaughters and treated them with nothing but kindness and affection. She retrained herself to like the names because she loved the little girls who wore them.
NTA. Your mom needs therapy.
Nta. Your mom needs help. Now
NTA. Your mother is in danger of seriously damaging her relationship with her son and grandchild. If whatever happen with “nature” names in the past is so traumatic that she’s acting out over a baby’s name then she 100% needs therapy. Whatever she is dealing with is on her, though – don’t take it personally if she is grumpy while she is working through her past issues.
You are wise beyond your years, OP.
NTA
Your mom is heading for a self fulfilling prophecy if she doesn’t take your advice and get therapy.
NTA – your mom has “trauma related to family members with nature names”. Unless those people were actually named “Wren” then her reasons are bullshit. She’s projecting her own feelings onto an innocent child – her own granddaughter.
If your mother doesn’t get over herself pretty quick, she’s not going to have a relationship with her own grandchild.
What a ridiculous and immature thing for your mom to get upset about. Trauma from nature names? Get fucking real. NTA.