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You are incompatible — end of story and relationship, unless one of you wants to adopt the other’s philosophy.
I don’t think you should tell him anything. You should pack your bags and find the exit door.
This man does not love you. And you know that.
Would you ever judge someone the way he judges you? Would you want a partner that does?
The answer is easy. You stop putting up with people who treat you like this, and stop tolerating it.
There’s a reason he is dating a 26 year old and not a partner his own age. Partner his own age wouldn’t take his shit
My husband works out. I don’t. Just because one person does something, doesn’t mean the next person should or wants to. He’s projecting his bullshit onto you. A respectful & genuine partner also wouldn’t have an issue with this, let alone speak to you in that way – especially with your ED history. If he finds you so “unattractive” why is he in a relationship with you?! He sounds like a fkn idiot. You are worth so much more.
>He said that I need to except that I have to put in the effort to be attractive past 20.
For how long have yall been together?
As a single happy woman I find posts like this hard to read. I wish ppl realised how good things can be, you don’t need to waste time on someone who knocks you down. If he wants someone athletic why didn’t he get with someone athletic, acting like you’re lacking in worth because of it is horrible. A good partner will treat you with love, care and respect – it’s the minimum we should expect
He seems manipulative
He married you because he wanted a young hot wife. You’re coming up to 30 soin and thats not what he signed up for.
My GF doesn’t like the gym either and I’m a huge gym rat. Thats fine with me. She will go occasionally tho. Whatever makes her happy 🙂
I always say I respect a young woman’s right to date older men, but I ALWAYS look at the older men in the relationship sideways. There is a reason a man in his mid 30s is dating women in their 20s and women his age likely don’t want him. I’m 35 and I wouldn’t date anyone younger than MAYBE 32…he’s a loser and he’s trying to be controlling. He doesn’t seem to like you and is trying to bully you into working out and control what you look like. This is how a LOT of emotionally abusive relationships start. My ex was the same…first it was working out, then it was what I need to be eating after workouts, and then it spirals into everything else you’re “doing wrong”. Dump him!
He’s not attracted to you, why are you still with him?
> He told me he finds it unattractive that I don’t care, not that I’m fat and ugly, but it’s my attitude.
He may have used harsh words, but it seems he cares about health and fitness, and attractiveness? You’ve said he finds your behaviour unattractive, not your appearance. He’s obviously attracted to you, the incompatibility lies in your lack of interest in fitness.
You may tell him that the way he spoke to you, his choice of words was rude and hurtful and you’d prefer a more thoughtful communication. And that you have no interest in fitness, so if he can’t accept it, he may need to find a partner who does.
I was in your exact situation.
I’ve always been slim. I used to eat very healthy and enjoyed long walks.
But I’ve always detested the gym.
My ex was obsessed with the gym and would often say: “what if it’s harder to keep your nice figure once you get older? Start getting used to exercising now”.
It was hard to argue with him because there was some truth to what he said. It is harder to stay in good shape as you age, and it’s not bad to exercise.
But I did exercise, just differently to him.
I realized it was one of our incompatibilities. He wasn’t wrong to want someone with the same lifestyle and attitude towards exercising.
However, he WAS wrong to constantly nag/ bully me about it.
As someone who never exercised because I did not enjoy it plus suffering depression I will tell you something I wish I knew when I was your age.
As you age and don’t exercise (no walks or cycling or whatever) your body will deteriorate and everything will start to hurt. Walking from one room to the next will become painful over time. The discomfort will become greater and greater and every movement will become a struggle.
It took a lot of physical therapy (that hurt so much I cried in the beginning) for me to become a bit more mobile. And I deeply regret not taking care of my body when I was young.
But this is only about doing what’s best for you. And avoiding a LOT of pain when you’re in your fifties. (I know it sounds like a distant future, but you’ll be amazed how fast you get there)
And a partner who tells you he thinks you’re unattractive for whatever reason should be kicked to the curb immediately
One quick way to lose weight is to leave him. That’ll be the fastest way.
Don’t allow him to treat you like this, it’s nasty and unkind. You deserve better
“You have to put in effort to be attractive past 20”
That’s pretty wild. So you only have two years.
As someone with a a lifetime of disordered eating, exercise/movement has helped me tremendously. It helps me connect to my physical self, which helps me eat intentionally. So, separate issue from your mean spouse- exercise for your own well being – feeling better will help you leave this tool bag if you choose
Tbh he’s probably saying that to you to purposely knock you down a peg, not even necessarily because he thinks it’s true. Lots of sad insecure people try to tear their partners down in order to control and manipulate them – don’t let that be you 🙌
Obviously, he’s an AH. But this took me off-guard…
>He said that I need to except that I have to put in the effort to be attractive **past 20**.
He is saying that once a woman is over 20, she needs to put in effort to be attractive?
Holy shit I wonder how many teenagers he oogles.
Ditch the guy- he is not treating you fairly (at minimum). Please do not put up with that a minute more.
With that said- there is exercise for everyone. You may consider exploring different fantasies/ideas. It will help you a lot as you age. You might be surprised what sparks your interest once you’ve tried it out. Consider group exercise, with music, solo, along with streaming videos (Les Mills is inexpensive and excellent), outdoors, indoors, etc… Just give yourself a chance to try something new- you might just love it.
5’5” 135. Dude is crazy.
Two things can be true at once here. 1) Your husband can be an asshole. 2) Exercise is immensely beneficial for your health now and into the future.
In all honesty, if you were even mildly “unfit”, I may have at least tried the “he’s only caring about your overall health” route.
But you’re 5’5 135lbs for gods sake that’s nowhere close, he’s now just wanting an aesthetic. Why stay with someone who doesn’t like you for you.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that doesn’t desire you?
Why be married to someone who doesn’t even like you?
there will come an immense sense of inner peace with leaving him trust me
“You have to put in effort to look attractive past 20”
Uhhh…. Is he admitting he finds minors… attractive??? Girl you need to leave this dude.
If you don’t exercise you don’t take care of your health. These things are mutually exclusive.
I don’t agree with his approach to asking you to work out. Maybe he said those things out of frustration? Doesn’t make it right, and you should discuss how his approach and tone hurt you. See how he reacts.
On the other hand, why not entertain the idea of working out more? It’s a positive change.
You could even try new ways to exercise with your partner, like maybe Zumba, Roller Skating, etc. You’d learn a new hobby, increase your well-being, and potentially fix the issue in the relationship.
If your partner is still cold to you after you’ve put in the effort, then hey at least you’re healthier and know for sure that the bigger problem is on his end and he needs to change also.
Your spouse might not be a great guy, but you saying “I take of my health but I don’t exercise” is the biggest oxymoron I’ve ever heard lol
I’ve had an ex before who would call me fat when I was like 110 lbs and he cared so much about my physical appearance. People like this won’t change especially at his age. Would you want to be with someone who thinks you’re unattractive when you have a baby and your body isn’t the same anymore? 100% he’d probably cheat on you