“Is it wrong for me to refuse caring for my nephews, even though I live nearby? #FamilyDrama #Nephews #Responsibilities
Have you ever been in a situation where family members expect you to take on responsibilities just because you live close by? One Reddit user shared their story about refusing to care for their nephews, sparking a debate about familial obligations. Here’s a breakdown of the situation and the user’s dilemma:
**Background:**
– User has two nephews aged 5 and 7
– Brother Z and his partner are unable to care for the kids, so another brother, F, took them in
– F asked user for help, suggesting they pick up kids and attend appointments
– User offered financial assistance gladly but resisted taking on caregiving duties
**The Confrontation:**
– F emailed user listing tasks they could do, citing proximity as a reason for involvement
– User pushed back, stating willingness to help but not because of their location
– User emphasized they are not a servant and deserve appreciation for any contribution
**Debate:**
– Should proximity determine caregiving responsibilities?
– Is financial support enough in this situation?
– How can family members navigate expectations and boundaries effectively?
Join the conversation and share your thoughts on family obligations, proximity, and support. What would you do in this situation? (Source: Reddit) #AITA #FamilySupport #Boundaries“
NTA
No one is entitled to your help. Including family, even underage family who can not help themselves.
And this is coming from someone who would help in a heartbeat.
Your brother F is getting mad at the wrong party who is responsible; you know, Z.
NTA.
NTA
No one is entitled to your help with kids that are not yours. F is angry at the wrong brother and should be going after the boys parents for child support and telling them to step up.
NTA…you did not accept the responsibility, so it’s not yours. He’s acting entitled to your assistance. His frustration is being lobbed in the wrong direction.
NTA. They’re not your children, they’re not your responsibility.
NTA.
As one who adopted a family member’s child, I know of what I speak. Adoption is forever. I do not expect other family members to help me.
F stepped up and took Z’s children. That was F’s decision. Mighty noble *and* mighty hard.
You did not. That was your decision. And the correct decision, imho. F is so fortunate that you are sending money to help care for the children.
Now F is pissed because he bit off more than he could chew? F should have really done his homework. One does not take in a child and expect others to help. Or get pissed at others for *not* helping with everyday life.
What is the legal status of these children? Is F their guardian? Did F adopt? If there is no legal tie to the children, F can turn them over to Child Services. They can go into foster care. Sounds harsh, but that’s where they would be if F didn’t jump in, because their bio parents suck.
F needs to work this out. You’re paying child support, to your brother, for your other brother’s children. That’s more than enough.
NTA. The parents of the kids need to step up, not you. Also your brother shouldn’t have took them in if he wasn’t capable of dealing with them. You are being generous enough proving money. I wouldn’t help with anything if I were you, because once you agree to one task, the requests won’t cease. They are not your responsibility, period !
Do the world a favor and pay for Z to have a vasectomy first and foremost.
NTA –
Info: Do you they also help you out often? Or is this a one way relationship?
If your issue is with how he spoke to you and not with his actual request, just fucking say that. Tell him you are willing to do more, but he has to ASK you and speak to you respectfully. Say you understand he’s stressed, but coming at you and scolding you like a child was insulting and completely unnecessary. If he wants to have a discussion about where you’re able to help out, you guys can do that in person. But if he keeps coming at you with the same condescending energy, you reserve the right to exit the conversation until he can get his feelings in check.
NAH
Let’s step back a sec.
These children had no home. Imagine how awful that is. They essentially lost their parents.
Let’s put their feelings first. So, what your brother did is AMAZING. Sure, you aren’t legally obliged to help. But, they are your family and it would be best if you could do as much as you are able.
But, your brother shouldn’t have sent a salty email.
You are all doing your best. Step back and think of the kids.
Nta you didn’t volunteer to take them in and you’re already sending a good chunk of money every month. That’s more than many people would do.
NTA
$500 is a lot of money for 2 kids. You’re more than helping. The kids are family, but you didn’t have to help at all. Your brother and his wife are the ones who took on the responsibility of raising them. Are they getting money from the state as well? From an article I read, Arizona gives $669-$867 per child. Unless they adopted these kids, they should be getting a subsidiary. If they are getting money from the state, and if you want to, you can put that $500 aside in a trust account for the boys for school, needs, etc., and if you want, you can help with pick-ups. You’re not obligated to help the kids, but it would be nice if you did provide them with support and mentorship.
IMO, the attitude your brother took was wild. Especially on the heels of a generous no-strings-attached monthly $$ offer. No one who reacts that way to a favor will treat you better once you give in.
NTA
NTA.
Your brother is asking the wrong sibling to step up.
If they are in California – they are getting a monthly stipend to take care of the kids, at minimum in California. It’s $1200 per kid. And if they aren’t getting paid, then they should definitely file the proper channels that they need to file to be getting paid.
So not sure why they need your $500.
But all in all NTA
I’d stay out of it if i were you, once you get in deep, the kids get attached and it all becomes confusing. Due to the fact that your brother is in charge at the end of the day, your say won’t matter in anything. Sure help here and there but don’t commit to anything long term. Your life could change anytime. You might get a gf, you might want to move, you might want to take a 2 month trip around the world….and your brother will feel
Entitled to demand you work around your nephew’s schedule.
NTA. He said you need to step it up when HE took them in?? They are not your responsibility and he needs to pull his head out of his ass.
NAH
F is taking out on you, and you are on him. Z is the one who really owes thanks.
Obviously they took in your nephews to do the right thing. I’m guessing it’s not easy nor what they were ready for esp with kids of their own.
And yeah it’s not bc you’re in the area it’s bc you’re their uncle. Why didn’t you take them in? Two kids is hard and now they have more.
His approach wasn’t great but at the same time, your financial contribution is kind of the minimum you can do and they need more help. That’s totally reasonable and you didn’t mention why you can’t do more.
Anyhow be forgiving of the poor delivery and let go of needing to be thanked when they are doing much more than you are. No one is doing any favours here, you’re stepping up to help your nephews.
It sounds like the nephews should have gone to social service placement in the beginning. 5 and 7 are still young enough to get adopted – has anyone considered getting the parents to relinquish their rights and placing them up for adoption?
NTA
Not your children, not your responsibility.
The idea that you must help ‘because family’ or because you live nearby is rubbish. Your brother F chose to help out and chose to take on this responsibility. That doesn’t mean that you have to do the same. He should be happy that you are contributing financially, which you are not obligated to do.
NTA. They are not your kids. Supporting them financially is reasonable, but you didn’t sign up for parental responsibility. It’s too bad you are being pressured into having to pull away from interaction with your nephews just to maintain a boundary your family insists on crossing.
INFO Did F get Z’s kids through the foster care system? If so, there should be some way to get respite care.
If you weren’t part of the decision to move your nephews closer, you get to decide how much it or how little time you spend with them. Would it be nice to be more involved? Sure. Still your choice though.
NTA
Do not let them draw you into this.
NAH
This is a shit sandwich.
Your brother did a noble thing taking in two kids that aren’t his. It probably wasn’t his dream either. His wife is a saint. Half this sub would tell her to leave him the day he brought those kids home. He’s tired and he’s been carrying a heavy load.
He’s a shit communicator though and what he is saying is he doesn’t want to have to ask. He wants you to take enough interest to know Danny has Karate practice on Tuesday and volunteer because what they need most is time. Time by themselves, time to together.
You also aren’t bound to their decision and you shouldn’t be barked at but I can’t bring myself to call your brother an asshole. Any one who raises someone else’s children is a hero.
NTA. But you guys need to take this issue to court. Either one of you adopts the kids, or the father has to pay child support. You are letting there real asshole get off the hook.
Why aren’t the parents doing their job as parents. That the big question that needs to answered
NTA. They took on the responsibility so NO you don’t need to step up. They STEPPED UP, so they have a 24/7 job not you. That means money & time. If you want it “help” then fine. Help also means minor things NOT a shift in parental responsibility.
I hate when people tell you you need to “pull your weight” in reference to raking care of children that are not yours. You have no responsibility to their children they should be all over themselves thanking you for what you are doing.
NTA
They made the choice to take the kids on. It’s honorable but they cannot expect others to do as they do. You are kind to help out as you have. F should be going after Z and baby mama for support or the state.