#NonBinary #GenderIdentity #Parenting #UnderstandingNonBinary
Hey there! So, it seems like you’re trying to wrap your head around your 12-year-old’s non-binary identity, and I totally get where you’re coming from. It can be a bit confusing at first, especially if you’re from a generation where these concepts weren’t as prevalent. But don’t worry, I’m here to help shed some light on this topic for you!
First of all, it’s awesome that you want to support your child and understand where they’re coming from. It’s so important for them to feel accepted and loved for who they truly are. So, kudos to you for being open-minded and wanting to learn more about non-binary identities.
Let’s start by breaking down what it means to identify as non-binary. Essentially, being non-binary means that a person doesn’t exclusively identify as male or female. Instead, they may feel that their gender identity falls outside of the traditional binary categories. This can manifest in a variety of ways, and each person’s experience with non-binary identity is unique to them.
It’s important to keep in mind that gender identity is a deeply personal experience, and it’s not something that’s influenced solely by peers or social media. While it’s true that kids and teens might gain awareness of non-binary identities through these channels, the core of their identity comes from within. Your child’s identity is valid and real, and it’s not just a phase or a trend.
As for the question of whether your child’s friends have “progressed” to switching gender identifications, it’s important to recognize that gender identity isn’t a linear journey. Just because someone identifies as non-binary at a certain point in their life doesn’t mean that they will “progress” to identifying as a different gender later on. Everyone’s journey with gender identity is unique, and it’s not a one-size-fits-all experience. Your child’s friends may be exploring and understanding their own identities in different ways, and that’s completely okay.
So, how can you support and understand your child’s non-binary identity? Here are a few pointers to keep in mind:
1. Educate Yourself: Take the time to educate yourself about non-binary identities and gender diversity. There are plenty of resources, books, and websites that can provide valuable information on this topic. The more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to support your child.
2. Use the Correct Pronouns and Name: Your child has expressed a preference for they/them pronouns and a gender-neutral variation of their name. It’s crucial to respect and honor their choices in how they want to be addressed. This simple act of using the correct pronouns and name can make a world of difference in how supported and validated your child feels.
3. Communicate Openly: Have open and honest conversations with your child about their identity. Let them know that you love and accept them for who they are, and that you’re there to support them every step of the way. Creating a safe space for them to express themselves is incredibly important.
4. Seek Support and Community: Connect with other parents, support groups, or LGBTQ+ organizations to gain insight and support. It can be helpful to talk to others who have had similar experiences and learn from their perspectives.
Remember, it’s normal to have questions and uncertainties about non-binary identities, especially if it’s new territory for you. It’s okay to seek guidance and learn along the way. Your child will appreciate your efforts to understand and support them.
Ultimately, your love and acceptance mean the world to your child. By striving to understand and validate their non-binary identity, you’re showing them that they are seen, heard, and loved for exactly who they are. Keep being the awesome, supportive parent that you are, and never hesitate to ask questions or seek out resources as you continue on this journey with your child.
I hope this helps you find some clarity and understanding. You’re doing great! 🌈👍
normally when someone says they N.B they stay N.B because they don’t want a gender. it is a possibility they are following their friends but also maybe not. have you sat down and talked with them?
Technically you don’t need to really understand it, if you respect it that should be more than enough.
First of all, let me ask you: what gender do you think I am? Without looking at any of my post history, considering any way I write, making any assumptions based on societal norms, anything.
If you are only considering me as a disembodied internet voice, would it be accurate to label me as boy/girl, or gender-neutral?
I think that’s a key to the question. The way I’m currently perceiving you, and you are currently perceiving me, has nothing to do with gender. Your nonbinary kid might find this kind of freeing, if they could exist in a world with no assumptions like this.
Also Im not trying to imply any real-world connection between the internet and non gender binary. But I do think that the gender anonymity of the internet is a good way to understand that you may not *need* to be attached of your girlhood/boyhood to identify as you.
Also I saw the other comment you made asking how to explain to conservative family.
The kid should offer their own explanation. You can just say they don’t feel like its all that crucial to behave like a girl or a boy. Because that’s the truth, isn’t it? And it really isn’t crucial to do that.
If your conservative family does not understand…that’s fine. The issue is if they do not respect. Nonbinary is frankly such a non-issue, them making such a big deal out of fitting in a box is a bigger hassle for them than anything else.
Hey, agender person here. It’s good that you’re not forcing your kid to use their old pronouns or name. Realistically, there are much more positives than negatives to letting your child explore their gender and self expression. I can assure you, their peers aren’t going to be pressuring them into being a different gender; generally it’s the opposite where kids get bullied and shunned for not being what they were assigned at birth.
As for social media, it might have made your kid aware of it as a possibility (probably did, since you aren’t familiar with it yourself), but that isn’t a bad thing. Once more; it’s healthy for people to be able to try out different pronouns and presentations to see what makes them happiest in life.
Just remember; whether your kid changes their mind, it isn’t bad of them. Definitely don’t act relieved or like it’s the ‘natural’ outcome, or it might make them nervous to try exploring themselves later on. It’s hard to figure yourself out, especially at a young age, but it’s important to be supported and allowed to try. Having had unsupportive parents myself, it certainly didn’t make me any less queer; it just made it harder for me to figure myself out.
Honestly, the best thing to do is talk to them about it, you seem like you’re coming from a position of compassion and understanding so I’m sure if you convey that, they’ll be fine, even happy to talk to you about it. You never know, they might be desperate to talk to you about it, but not sure how to bridge it either.
Everyone’s gender identity is different even within these labels. I (a introverted nerd) identify as a man, but my definition of masculinity will be different from a extroverted bodybuilder. Neither definition is wrong, just different, it’s the same with non binary. You can get an understanding, but you will never understand exactly what they’re thinking unless you ask them.
Worst case scenario if they’re just following peer pressure is that they eventually change their mind but know that you love and support them no matter what.
People have given a lot of good advice here. It’s also worth mentioning that even if it’s just a phase, that doesn’t make anything less valid. It’s important to allow space for someone to play around with their gender identity. That often leads to changing our minds about things, sometimes multiple times! So the best thing you can do, which it seems you’re already doing, is to stick with your child and take their word for their identity, every time.
Let them figure it out at their own pace, it’s fine and literally not a problem.
I don’t get it either. It looks like you’re handling it right by supporting your child and trying to handle your confusion elsewhere. Once you feel like you have a better grip on things, talking to your child about it is the right thing to do. You’ll already have more grounding in the vocabulary and ideas, and will be better able to listen to what your child needs.
It’s hard, but it’s harder on the children going through this. Knowing they have their parents on their side is important.
It’s usually not as important as you seem to be making it. Address them now they want to be addressed and make sure you support them in life. Your parents didn’t understand some of your shit, but you came out okay.
Just don’t be offensive or Ignorant and it’ll all be fine.
I’m in my 40s and identify as non-binary, although I didn’t learn about the terminology until about 10 years ago. I never had words to describe how I identify. I can remember clearly back to when I was a little kid in the 80s and how I didn’t like the boxes of “boy” and “girl”. But there didn’t seem to be any kind of in between. My body is female, and I hated being treated like a girl. I hated girls clothes and girls toys. But at the same time, I really didn’t like the machismo of boyhood. I just wanted to be respected as a human being who liked what they liked and didn’t get put into a box if I liked some thing that wasn’t part of who they thought I should be.
Fast forward to about 10 years ago when I read a National Geographic that talked about all these different terminologies for gender identity and expression. And there was non-binary. That described me! I was excited to finally have a word for what it was I was feeling.
I don’t know how young kids finding these words at their age are relating to them or not, but it’s totally harmless – it’s just a word, and it helps them describe how they might be feeling about themselves and the world around them. Maybe they’re like me and don’t like the way that girls get treated and boys get treated and wish there was some sort of in between – because society definitely still puts us into these very severe boxes. Quite frankly, I am excited about how much more prevalent non-binary is becoming – and maybe in another 40 years. It will have helped to erode the boundaries between boy and girl and just let people be people and nobody will worry about pronouns because it won’t fucking matter – you treat a woman/girl with the same respect that you would treat a boy or a man. And you give the same sort of caring and tenderness to a boy or man that you might to a girl/woman (as basic examples).
Maybe if you are still a little confused, you could just have a conversation with your kid and listen to how they feel. Because how they relate to being non-binary could be different from what I just described but at the end of it, you might learn a little bit more about the inner world of your kid, and they might build up even more trust with you for listening. 🙂
Hope that helps a little!
You don’t need to understand necessarily. Just respect how they feel. This could be permanent or a phase. Just remember that they’ll remember how you treat them because of this even if it’s a phase.
It’s cool that you’re trying to understand.
If it’s been two years and they’re sticking with it, it’s probably not going to change any time soon if at all. I started to figure out my identity when I was about 14- yes, sometimes it’s wanting to fit in, but in this case it sounds like seeing nonbinary people and hearing about it may have just resolved some feelings they were already having about themselves. It’s already great that you’re making an effort to understand.
People feel how they feel regardless of outside influence. All I had around me was heterosexuality and that did not stop me from not fitting into that. They are still young, I’m sure as they get older they can explain it in ways to help you understand better.
My job isn’t to understand.
To clarify, my job isn’t to understand because I cannot ever understand. It is beyond my experience, outside my involvement and beyond my comprehension.
My job is to love, support, respect and then love some more.
All I can do is love them without condition or parameters or limitations.
Kids are just all over the place at this age. They will probably continue to change and explore in the future. This existed before trans was mainstream and will continue in various forms in the future. Respect them and let them discover themselves, be supportive and keep communicating. That’s all you can do.
Nature vs nurture is the age old question, but entirely irrelevant I’d say. Maybe it’s peer pressure! Maybe it’s genetic! Maybe it’s a combination!
Either way, they’re happier being non-binary. That’s all we need to know as parents.
But if you want to understand better, reading is always helpful for me. Pet by Akwaeke Emezi is a great place to start. It’s a YA novel with a non binary protagonist written by a non binary author (sort of? Emezi’s gender identity is more complicated than that and I don’t fully know how to explain it). It was really helpful for me with my NB teen.
Hey, another agender person here (early 30s). It sounds like you’re doing a good job with your kid.
I highly doubt this is simply due to peer pressure or social media, and it’s likely more to do with the incoming pressures of puberty. Preteen and teens get a *ton* of pressure placed on them about what it means to “be a man” or “be a woman,” and it can chafe if those identities don’t fit how someone feels internally.
The way I try to explain it is that the same discomfort that you would feel being introduced as the wrong gender (i.e. you identify as a man but someone insists you’re a woman) is what non-binary people often feel when people try to box us into *any* gender.
Some nonbinary folks do wind up moving into a different binary gender, while some just lean more masculine/feminine in their presentation. It’s all about what feels natural, right, and comfortable to each individual.
I say keep doing what you’re doing, and if you really want a deep dive, check out Dr Kyl Meyers’s books on “gender creative parenting.” It’s a lot of info that may be helpful. Genderdysphoria.fyi is also an amazing resource to understand what it may feel like to be a different gender identity than the one you were born with.
But above all, don’t listen to the haters! 🙂
Everyone had already provided great responses, so I’ll just add in my own anecdotal comment here. I am NB and have “known”/”identified as” NB for almost a decade. I’ve come out to my family and they refused to use they/them pronouns because they “don’t understand”. I never asked them to understand, I just asked them to use the terms that make me comfortable and are correct for me. Don’t be like my parents to your kiddo ❤️ even if it is a phase and things change, your support and love is what will be remembered.
There are thousands of works throughout human history about men and women not understanding each other. Trying to “understand” something that you are not is far less important than just respecting what another person wants to be referred to as.
Just make sure to tell them that you love them no matter what.
I’m an old person, I wish this was an option when I was growing up. I was sensitive to gender roles starting about 6 years old – maybe even earlier. I hated to be put into a gender box. It made me so angry that I was being forced to be someone I was not.
There are some splendid answers here already, but I want to add-
Part of childhood and then *especially* in adolescence and young adult, identity tends to be more malleable. It’s normal for young folks to experience lots of different shifts in identity (yes, ugh, mom was right. It IS sometimes a phase). Maybe kiddo’s gender ID will stay stable, maybe not! Maybe in 10 years they’ll identify differently or express it differently. And that’s ok 🙂
You seem to be doing a good job at making kiddo feel comfortable expressing themself around you authentically. Honestly, sometimes we (NB kids/adult offspring) don’t need you to understand- just respect us and not try to change us.
I don’t really understand it either, but the important part is treating people with respect. I don’t think trans/NB people generally care if you completely understand why they identify as they do, so long as you respect them enough to call them the name/pronouns they want to be called
Gender tends to be associated with specific masculine and feminine traits, along with the identification of a gender normally comes with a set of social standards that are expected by society, and over time that changes but that’s what the binary is.
A lot of people don’t really feel like that binary system represents who they are as a person, and non binary is a catch all for all those different reasons why they feel it doesn’t represent them, so non-binary is just outside of the boy girl gender binary. Anything more specific than that needs to come from them.
I knew from very young, pre-preschool age, that I was not a girl really but certainly not a boy either. You just know, and the “trend” is more that people aren’t as locked into being who someone else told them they are, and the language to describe how they know they differ is more commonly known. If I had the language for it then, like kids do now, I’d also use they/them pronouns.
When it comes down to it, our society’s attitudes toward gender roles have been shifting for a long time. While there have always been transgender people, including non-binary people, the untangling of biological sex and gender roles has been ongoing. Meanwhile, we have learned more about the human genome, the wide variety of intersex conditions that exist, and the fact that sex is not always exactly binary. We’ve learned more about the brain, and the nature/nurture balance.
From my perspective, there is always a combination of individual and social factors in every person’s development. If I had known the term non-binary when I was in elementary school, I would have used it. Being forced to play in highly gendered ways with a gender-selective group of friends always felt very limiting and damaging to me. The social aspect was that I did not want to adhere to gender roles and norms, because I disapproved of the way society divided “women” and “men.” The social activities offered by the other group were much more appealing to me, and I valued the opportunity to be seen as an individual and a potential friend to everyone, rather than as a woman or man.
The genetic factors are also there, but less evident during a person’s lifetime. From autism and other neurodiversities to intersex conditions, parents’ or grandparents’ experiences creating epigenetic changes in their offspring, or just your child’s way of integrating their own experiences (which includes social ones).
Phases of identity will be part of their experience as a teenager, as they are for every adolescent. Being non-binary allows those phases to be more diverse in their expression, and allows your child to engage in opportunities historically more available to people of the other assigned sex. If they do end up settling on a particular gender one day, it will be informed by their experiences on either side of the gender spectrum, the social opportunities available, and the time they have spent reflecting on it.
If you are attentive and non-judgemental, they will tell you what they are thinking and feeling about it. The key to being supportive is less in perfectly understanding your child, and more in showing unconditional love and support. Knowing they have a parent who cares is infinitely valuable.
Whether your child is into it because it’s their passion or because they have seen peers do it and are curious is somewhat irrelevant. Teach them now that you respect what they know about their own bodies. When I dyed my hair, it was largely peer influence. I have since stopped dyeing it as it didn’t make me happy. When I got a tattoo my family thought it was peer pressure but it was actually a form of how I enjoy expressing myself for myself, and I’ve never regretted any of them for a second. Your kid isn’t doing anything dangerous, they’re exploring what form of expression makes them feel good. As I saw in an interview “I’d rather change their pronouns a thousand times than write their obituary.”
It is indeed possible that your child identity might change over time. These things can take a long time to figure out. Just listen to your child and do what they tell you feels comfortable to them. Also “rapid onset gender dysphoria” – or the idea that kids are starting to identify as trans because of peer pressure and social media, is in short, complete bullshit. Originating from a biased “study” by a raging transphobe that has been debunked time and time again.
In my opinion, even if they are “faking it”/being influenced by others, it’s much more important that u make sure they feel supported than try to figure out how much of this is genuine. For one, they might not even know themself. Also, if they realize later that they actually do identify with one gender, that’s ok and they can change their mind. It is so important, especially at such a young age, that they feel supported and heard by their parents. Your reactions to this situation will stick with them forever
>Trying to Understand “Non-Binary” in My 12-Year-Old
I don’t have any experience or expertise in this area, but I wanted to say that as long as you’re trying to understand, you’re doing a good job. Keep at it, you’ll get there.