#BabyTrap #RelationshipAdvice #Intimacy #CommunicationSkills
Hey there, it sounds like you’re in a bit of a tricky situation with your boyfriend and I’m here to help you navigate through it. It’s completely understandable to feel conflicted and unsure about how to address this issue without causing any tension in your relationship. Let’s dive into some advice and possible solutions for you:
## Assessing the Situation
First and foremost, it’s important to trust your instincts and acknowledge your feelings. It’s okay to be cautious and question your partner’s intentions, especially when it comes to something as significant as starting a family. Here are a few points to consider:
– Reflect on your boyfriend’s behavior and statements about wanting a baby. Is it coming from a place of genuine love and desire for a family, or does it feel manipulative and controlling?
– Consider the timing and context of these conversations. Are they happening in moments of intimacy or casually outside of that? Understanding the patterns can give you more clarity on the situation.
– Take into account your own feelings and readiness for parenthood. It’s essential to prioritize your well-being and future plans before making any decisions.
## Communication is Key
Having open and honest communication with your partner is crucial in addressing your concerns. Here are some tips on how to approach this conversation without triggering his anger:
– Choose a calm and neutral time to bring up the topic. Avoid discussing it in the heat of the moment or during a conflict.
– Use “I” statements to express your thoughts and feelings without placing blame. For example, “I feel overwhelmed by our discussions about having a baby at this point in my life.”
– Listen actively to your partner’s perspective and try to understand his motivations behind wanting a child. Empathy and understanding can pave the way for a constructive dialogue.
– Set boundaries and communicate your own timeline and readiness for starting a family. It’s important to be assertive about your own needs and priorities.
## Seeking Support and Guidance
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure about how to navigate this situation, consider seeking advice from a trusted friend, family member, or counselor. Having an outside perspective can offer valuable insights and support.
## Bhagavad Gita Insights
In times of uncertainty and decision-making, the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita encourage us to act with clarity, wisdom, and detachment from the outcomes. Trusting in your own intuition and staying true to your values and beliefs can guide you towards the right path.
Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship that respects your choices and values your autonomy. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and future aspirations. Trust in your own strength and judgment as you navigate through this challenging situation.
I hope this advice helps you in addressing your concerns with your boyfriend. Remember, you have the power to set boundaries and make decisions that align with your own values and goals. You deserve to be in a loving and fulfilling relationship that supports your growth and happiness. 🌟#SelfLove #HealthyRelationships
Stay strong and take care. You’ve got this! 💪🌺
>I 21F and my boyfriend 32M have been together for a little over 8 months. The first 3 months were great but then for a few months after that we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times….
>I see a lot of helpful relationship advice on here which is why I brought it here.
What has been the trend you’ve noticed in the advice when it comes to dudes in their 30s who date college girls, or people who manage to get in “multiple fights”, *during which you felt physically unsafe*, at less than six months?
>nervous because we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control.
This ends right now. Today. Period. No exceptions.
You address it by recognizing that someone who wants to trap you isn’t someone you want to be with…..
You don’t always use protection and you’re not on birth control.
Whether or not he’s actively trying to baby trap you, that’s how babies happen. Have you talked to your doctor about some kind of contraception that doesn’t require you to do something right before sex? Pills, IUD, etc?
Consider what he’s trying to do to you.
Him feeling attacked is exactly what he deserves.
First of all, if you’re going to stay with him GET ON BIRTH CONTROL. Otherwise you *will* end up pregnant and trapped with him.
But more importantly, he’s literally telling you out loud in very clear terms that he wants you to be trapped in this relationship. You’re way too young to be in this situation. He knows that. You need to leave.
But if you don’t, get an IUD or any other form of BC before you have sex with him again.
You don’t. You leave. There’s no negotiating with abusers.
Talking so openly about wanting to baby trap you is the biggest freaking red flag I’ve ever seen. Top that off with you guys not using freaking protection and/or birth control means you’re gonna get freaking pregnant. Babies don’t make things better. No wonder this 32 year old went after someone so young, he is literally trapping you and trying to control you. This is not love, this is manipulation.
>I 21F and my boyfriend 32M …. The first 3 months were great but then for a few months after that we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times.
>his severe anger issues.
>he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him.
>he said “well a baby makes it real I just don’t want you to up and leave whenever you feel like.”
You aren’t over thinking this, you are actually not putting enough thought into this entire situation. He has shown you who he really is and is now telling you who he is as well. He wants to put a baby in you as a means to control you and so he can stop hiding who he.
>How do I bring it up without triggering his anger?
If this is a question you have to ask you are with the wrong person, and right now you have no reason to stick around.
You don’t talk about this, you leave. If you aren’t will to do that at least stop having sex with him…. if you are not willing to do that NEVER have sex without protection. Believe what he says, he wants you to be pregnant with his child so he can have more control over you.
In less than year you and him have had fights so bad they’ve almost gotten physical. Now he’s literally telling you with his own words that he wants to use another human as tool to manipulate you.
He wants you attached to him and unable to leave. He wants to create another human to use as a tool to manipulate you.
Listen to men when tell you what they want.
Listen to men when they tell you who they are.
Leave him before he “accidentally” doesn’t pull out in time.
How did you write all that out and not see all the red flags?
1. Potential physical violence
2. Severe anger issues
3. 10 years older
4. TRYING TO BABY TRAP YOU
When you write ‘how do I address it without him feeling attacked?’ – that sentence is worrying bc it sounds like you can’t assert your boundaries without triggering his anger.
He outright said that he wants a baby so that you won’t leave him. I.e., he knows his behaviour is bad and going to get worse, so he wants something that will tie you together forever.
You in danger, girl. Leave him.
You address it by recognizing this relationship and dynamic as toxic, leaving, and then figuring out why you felt that was what you deserved.
What do you mean “I think”. He told you he wants to get you pregnant so you can’t leave.
You are going to look back on this time with SO much regret when this turns to shit, which ot 100% will.
>How do I address it without him feeling attacked?
You don’t. There’s no reason to address it. He’s already, in less than a year, gotten nearly physical with you and you said he went to therapy for anger issues. I actually didn’t read any further than that before I started typing.
If things escalated this quickly, within 3 months!!, they will not get better only worse. Please go read “Why Does He Do That”. That book will save your life. In that book the author, who has worked as a professional in domestic violence courses, he notes that therapy and even anger management don’t stop men from being abusive. They can mask and try and seem like they are better for a while but it will always come back, it will always escalate.
Do not risk having a baby with this man, do whatever it is you need to do (and I know that’s a drastic oversimplification for what’s needed to leave an abusive relationship, but contact “the hotline” if you need help with the details) and get the hell out of there.
Stop! Don’t have a baby. He’s going to wait until you are pregnant then escalate his abuse.
>we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control
Please break up. You two are too irresponible and immature to be dating each other.
And FFS, get full STD/STI testing done.
In a healthy relationship, you are able to voice any concern without fear of their reaction.
In a healthy relationship, they won’t feel personally attacked when you voice a concern. They will listen and comprehend what you say. Then you will find a compromise together.
In a healthy relationship, both partners take responsibility for birth control. So if you’re on medication that interferes with bc, your partner will wear condoms.
Please read Lundy Bancrofts book “Why does he do that?” Its available for free as a PDF on the internet. It will help you understand relationships a lot better.
She’s in danger, and she doesn’t even know she is. He will baby trap her, and then the physical abuse will happen cause he knows she won’t leave him with a baby. He will also use his age to his advantage. Men are like him are dangerous.
He is abusive and trying to baby-trap you less than a year in is him trying to lock you down so he can resume the abuse.
It’s hard for an abuser to keep their mask on for an extended period of time, he is managing it now but doesn’t want to have to keep doing it. If you have a baby it will feel a lot harder to leave, which is what he wants. You are not safe and need to leave this man immediately. If he knows where you live, you may want to temporarily stay with a loved one just in case.
Of course there’s an age gap, he is going to baby trap You…believe him and gtfo before it’s too late. You’re just beginning your life and he’s lived his, you don’t want a baby to hold you back. I guarantee you he’ll want to keep you barefoot and pregnant with more than 1 kids so you’ll have to put up with his abuse because he will put his hands on you once you have that baby and he thinks you’ll be too scared to leave him. Is this the kind of life you see for yourself?
>we’d have the cutest babies and he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him.
>
>I just don’t want you to up and leave whenever you feel like.
You in danger, girl.
It bothers me so much when I see young girls with older guys who are TERRIBLE to them and they don’t realize that no, they don’t have to turn their life upside down and put up with it, they can just end it. I mean, 3 months in and he was nearly getting physical, but the solution was for him to start therapy? The solution should have been to end the relationship with the man who was in middle school when you were born because he’s too old and has violent tendencies.
You are not overthinking this, and you are massively underreacting to what’s going on.
This man has a motive. He is trying to baby trap you. He TOLD YOU that he’s doing this. He’s going to convince you to keep having unprotected sex with him because he doesn’t like condoms, he doesn’t see the point, etc etc and you’ll end up pregnant. Then he’ll push you into quitting school and not getting a job because you need to stay with the baby because it’s the only way he’ll fall more in love with you. He’ll also tell you that it makes him sad when you spend time with your friends and not with him, and that you need to stay with the baby, so no more going out or seeing your friends.
And the really concerning part is that **you’re scared to tell him how you feel. After him going through therapy for 5 months, you’re still scared he’s going to get angry and revert back to near-violence.**
Think about your baby sister. If she was your age and involved with a near-violent man who was a decade older than her who openly talked about how he wants to derail her goals and dreams, would you tell her to stay? Or would you tell her to leave?
You should have left this relationship three months in when you were fighting to the point of it becoming physical. Fighting that early on in a relationship is a really, really bad sign.
Not sugar coating this. Woman to woman. Fuc*ing run.
>How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be.
Dear OP, here is the answer to your question. He is still likely to get angry and go back to how he used to be if you do not comply with his wishes. If you are not able to discuss life altering decisions without worrying about triggering his anger, it’s a sign that he is not the person with whom you should have babies.
You should not worry about making him feel attacked, you should really worry for your safety and end this relationship ASAP, before you are trapped in this dead end relationship.
Romantic love is not enough of a reason to stay in a relationship with an angry and controlling man.
You have to have a chance to live a life of a young person. Enjoy being a student, do fun things, make friends and learn how to be assertive and to stay in charge of your own destiny.
Good luck.
I hope this is not real because you’re literally are saying that you’re in a couple with a dude 11 years older who is violent and wants to baby trap you so you can’t leave and endure a life with a violent husband? What’s the thing to ask, just leave and have all your friends and family around you for at least 8 months because he’s going to pull the abc of a violent boyfriend
he’s not being cute. this guy sounds terrifying.
you have to walk on eggshells around him so you don’t “trigger his anger”? how much of your recent stint of barely fighting is because you are appeasing him constantly or not speaking up about your wants or needs or giving up on things you want to do?
please, please, i know this seems easy for me to say as a stranger over the internet – but you are only 21. this guy…he ain’t it. i’m 44 now. i ended up marrying that guy…if i could time travel to my 21 year old self i would gandalf yell “run you fool” at me.
he “wants to make sure i’m stuck with him”…he’s even telling you, he isn’t good enough for you and he’s not going to step up and make himself good enough. that man is a lifetime of wearing you down with his rages until. you give up any reasonable expectation of a healthy balanced partnership.
i say this with love – run, you fool.
Firstly, no. I don’t think what he is doing is “cute”. Your relaltionship started out with problems with physical fights and now you’re not fighting much now but he’s trying to get you pregnant and trap you. Plus, he is much older. These are all patterns of someone who wants to control.
“How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be.”
Do you see that he is already controling you with his anger without actually even having to go there. His anger is his problem but he is making it yours. This whole “look what you made me do” attitude. He makes you feel like you can’t have open and honest conversations about really big issues because it makes him feel “attacked”.
I have to tell you, one of the reasons he is dating younger is because he can’t have the big boy conversations like an adult without feeling attacked. Most people closer to his age see through his bullshit.
You might feel “flattered” that an older man takes an interest because you’re “so mature”. But sorry to say it’s not about maturity. I don’t doubt that you’re mature. It’s about how much life experience you have or have not had yet to give you a bit of perspective of where he’s coming from.
Hi OP, its very concerning that he’s been physical in a fight. I’ts also concerning that he jokes about “babytraping” you like this.
I know many people write about the agegap but don’t feel bad, its not your fault, you fall in love with who you fall in love with, but regardless of age this is not an okay behaviour.
Also, IF you got pregnant and didn’t want an abortion, you can still leave him if you want and if things don’twork out. It will be more complicated but not impossible!
Again, you are not at fault here!
Would you date someone 10 years younger than yourself?
Jesus Christ, run..
Unsolicited advice from the bottom of my heart. A ten year plus age gap when you are in your early twenties is scary. Period. You will likely be talking about this guy in therapy in ten years when you realize what actually happened
>I think my 21F, boyfriend 32M
🚩
>The first 3 months were great but then for a few months after that we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times.
🚩
>I’m nervous because we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control.
🚩
>he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him.
🚩
>How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be.
You are literally *scared* of him.
This is a textbook trap by an abuser looking for a victim. He’s a much older man trying to trick you into getting stuck with him. He has literally said so himself.
You need to leave. The chances of him getting violently angry when you break things off are *high*, so you need to break up with him publicly, with friends present, or over the phone. Tell your friends what you’re doing. Do *NOT* be alone with this man.
If you stay with this man he will get you pregnant and the anger and violence will come back. You will become his victim.
This guy is full of red flags.
🚩 we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times
🚩 him starting therapy for his severe anger issues.
DANGER DANGER DANGER
Dont be with him until he has successfully completed this therapy
🚩during sex he has been talking about wanting to give me a baby and in the moment I admit it’s hot
Dont have a baby because its hot in the moment
🚩but one time we talked about it
One time?
🚩and he said I’d be a really good mom and we’d have the cutest babies
Babies arent cute props
🚩🚩🚩🚩and he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him.
DANGER DANGER DANGER
🚩“well a baby makes it real I just don’t want you to up and leave whenever you feel like.”
So he conceded you may want to leave him and a baby is a way that will keep you trapped?
🚩I love this man and I’d love to have his baby but I’m not ready yet
What is it you love about him? And besides it being “hot in the moment”, why do you want to procreate with him? Im glad you at least realize you are not ready to have a baby yet.
❓️Am I overthinking this?
No, all signs point to GTFO
❓️Is he just being cute and saying he wants kids with me or is there a motive behind it?
There is nothing “cute” about anything he has said and there is nothing cute about being baby trapped
❓️How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be.
If he has anger issues, they are not CAUSED by you, there is NEVER a legitimate excuse for physical or verbal abuse.
Your only safe option is to GTFO. Move out when he isnt home, or bring muscled friends/police with you to move out. Go NC with him. Get a restraining order if he continues to pursue you. You might think Im kidding or exaggerating, but most abusive men become MORE violent when their partner is pregnant.
You are in danger and you are still worried about hurting his feelings? Girl, serious, wake up and see this for what it is.
I’ve never seen such a perfect example of why predatory men prey on young naive women.
These girls are really out here writing “My boyfriend is a serial killer and lately he’s been talking about how he wants to wear my skin. How can I tell him this makes me uncomfortable without hurting his feelings? Aside from this one thing he’s really great and I love him so much. How can I fix my relationship?”
Hun, this man is **actually dangerous** to you. I’m not exaggerating. He’s **fucking dangerous**. The fact that you think ANY of his behavior isn’t FUCKING TERRIFYING is exactly why men his age prey on girls who are so young. Because y’all think the red flags are just quirky decorations.
You need to run the fuck away from him right fucking now.
Here is a list of automatic deal breakers you need to apply to any relationship in your life:
1. Severe anger issues leading to “almost physical” fights
2. Complaints about or refusal to use protection during sex
3. LITERALLY TELLING YOU TO YOUR FACE THAT HE WANTS TO TRAP YOU SO YOU CANNOT ESCAPE HIM.
Ffs.
He’s too old for you and manipulating you. Get out.
I’m expecting an update in 10 years when the OP has 3 kids and her boyfriend cheats on her with someone younger.
Don’t be that person, OP. Update this sub in a week that you have broken up with the loser and blocked him.
1. He makes you feel unsafe
2. He is trying to babytrap you
3. He is 10 years older than you (idk why the hell you thought dating a man who was 20 when you were 10 is okay but YIKES)
4. You use the pullout method (girl… do you have a brain? Do you want to be pregnant? Have you had any sex education or googled anything? Go to a doctor asap and get birth control)
5. You have been together for 8 months and have constant fights (this is pretty self explanatory)
6. Were either of you std tested before having unprotected sex?
I feel like you majorly need therapy to help understand why you feel the need to stay with a man twice your age who treats you like shit. The only reason he is dating you is because women his own age know the red flags. These guys do not “get better” you cannot “fix him” you have not even been together for a year and he has shown at least 5 SCARY red flags in this post alone (meaning there are prolly more you have not mentioned). 1 red flag is enough to end a relationship point blank. In this post alone you have at least 5.
You need to research red flags and warning signs in relationships as you seem to not have much self preservation. A therapist can help with this. Educate yourself on sex and how it should be the norm to std test a partner before having unprotected sex. What is even more terrifying to me is how I am your exact same age but you are putting up with this stuff and acting like a fucking highschooler.
This man can ruin your life. A man who respects you would not use the pull out method or have any of these red flags. You are putting your entire life plan at risk for an 8 month relationship. 8 MONTHS. That is nothing. How you get over it? You say “we are breaking up, pls take your stuff and leave.” You do not have to give him a reason saying we are done is enough. If you feel unsafe have police escort you to get your stuff so you can escape this man. You block him everywhere, you move, and you live your life and educate yourself on relationships.
He will guilt trip you he will say he can change (he wont) he will then blame you and likely call you names. He will likely say nobody else will love you like he does (lies and gross), he will get mad and act like a manchild (which he is for dating someone half his age). You stand strong all those things are reflections on him as a person and they are all red flags. Have a friend with you when you end things and then get your stuff. You will be sad for a while. You will feel down. Give it 2 weeks of zero contact with him (BLOCK HIM) and then mull over how you feel. I bet all my money you will feel way better hell your mental health will likely be better for being away from him
I’m sorry I’m rude but I’m fucking pissed for you and your naivety is obvious which is EXACTLY why this older man is preying on you. Please I beg you to block him and run. I am so hoping this is a troll because this is so fucked and so obvious I just want to laugh in pain for you for ignoring all these glaringly obvious things. Manipulative relationships and being with a guy double your age is not cool, it’s not smart, it isn’t “omg he says I’m mature for my age and he understands me!” Tell me, why would a man twice your age have the same interests as you? Would you currently date a 12 year old? Find someone in their twenties and find love there. Someone at 30 and someone at 21 are on totally different life paths and in totally different parts of life. If he is at your level that is not cute that is terrifying
you address it by ending it.
He is trying to baby trap you and isn’t even hiding it.
also eight months in and you are discussing love and babies?
eight months in and you already had to work through a bunch of fighting and feeling unsafe during it?
girl I was engaged to my husband within 18 days so I am not being a prude here. He is love bombing you. ditch this man.
OP, you’re being an idiot. LEAVE HIM, and start using birth control. I can’t believe this needs to be said to yet another naive girl dating a much older, creepy guy.
STOP BEING STUPID AND GET ON BIRTH CONTROL WHILE MAKING SURE HES STILL USING CONDOMS OR ELSE YOU WILL GET PREGANT be fucking smart and not stupid
So, he’s 10+ years older than you, trying to baby trap you, with severe anger issues, had fights in the past that almost turned physical (in just 8 months of dating) and you cant even talk to him about issues because youre too scared hes gonna get angry. I mean he definitely seems like an amazing partner to me. My dream man 😍😍 Hes so cute talking about babies and stuff! 💞
I want to sincerely thank everyone for the advice even the not so nice ones. I did not expect this many responses. I want to speak on a few things.
1- I’m not experienced with relationships so when he showed me love and care and affection I thought that we could work on the bad parts together and that you have to fight for love. He’s told me that love causes pain and it’s not always easy but as long as you have your person it will be fine. So I listened to him. Not my smartest moment but with the life I’ve had I thought that I shouldn’t try to sabotage something amazing because of his bad side.
2- the reason I didn’t leave the times it got physical was because I felt like I pushed him to that point and all I needed to do was avoid provoking him.
3- some people said I need therapy to figure out why I think he’s the only one that will love me. I don’t doubt that. This is a learning experience for me. Maybe there’s a lot I need to uncover about myself.
4-the age gap. I did not consider it at all to be honest. I just saw a man wanting to love me. He told me that I’m a lovable woman and that me being younger only means I’ll outlive him. He never made any comments to make me think deeply about it. I’ve heard the stories of women in the comments and I’m so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for being vulnerable and telling me so I don’t end up in a horrible situation. I sincerely didn’t think the age gap was the biggest issue but I am now learning that my age is the biggest tool he is using to manipulate me.
I am very heartbroken but that is something I can get over. I have a life ahead of me and I have plans for myself. I am approaching my last year of university studying computer science. I’ve had a couple of internships so far and I have one coop term left. He is definitely not going to make me dependent on him. I have to end the relationship. Someone on here said “please don’t be a statistic” and that made me cry.
Thank you everyone for getting to me. Thanks to everyone that called me a fool because I am but it’s not a bad thing if I take the advice and be wise. I appreciate everyone that was so thoughtful and gave me links on articles to read. As for people worried about my safety, I have nothing important I need to get at his house. I’m okay with leaving everything there. I will break up with him over the phone. He’s going to try to convince me to stay but I have to stand my ground. Thanks everyone!
PS: I really don’t have time to troll. It’s final exams season and this has been bothering me which I why I made this post. This is my real life and my real feelings. Not a fun little story.