#RelationshipAdvice #GenderRoles #FinancialResponsibility #CommunicationInRelationships
Hey there! It sounds like you’re dealing with a tricky situation in your relationship, and it’s definitely understandable that you’re seeking some advice on how to handle it. Let’s break it down and explore some possible solutions to the issues you’re facing 🤔.
Understanding Gender Roles and Financial Responsibility 💰
It’s 2022, and the traditional gender roles when it comes to responsibilities in a relationship aren’t as black and white as they used to be. Men and women both contribute to the household in numerous ways, and it’s important to have open and honest conversations about how to share financial responsibilities fairly.
Here are some key points to consider:
1. Equal contribution: Regardless of who makes more money, splitting the rent and utilities 50/50 is a fair and equitable arrangement, as long as both parties are comfortable with it.
2. Communication: If one partner is feeling pressured to take on more financial responsibility simply based on their gender, it’s crucial to address this issue head-on. Discussing expectations, concerns, and potential solutions is the first step towards finding common ground.
3. Support and collaboration: Supporting each other financially doesn’t just come down to who pays for what. It’s about finding a balance and understanding each other’s needs and limitations.
Understanding Manipulation and Communication in Relationships 🗣️
It’s common for partners to have disagreements and conflicts, but it’s crucial to identify when these disagreements cross the line into manipulation. Manipulation in a relationship can lead to feelings of resentment, imbalance, and mistrust.
Here’s what to consider:
1. Emotional manipulation: If your partner is guilting you or making you feel bad for working extra hours to meet financial obligations and accusing you of selfishness, it’s important to address this behavior and communicate your feelings.
2. Open dialogue: Talking openly and honestly about your concerns and feelings is essential for a healthy relationship. If your partner is making demands without considering your perspective, it may be a sign of manipulation.
3. Seeking advice: It’s always helpful to seek advice from friends, family, or even professionals to gain insight into your relationship dynamics and to navigate complex situations.
Advice Based on the Bhagavad Gita 🕉️
In the Bhagavad Gita, Lord Krishna imparts wisdom on various aspects of life, including relationships and responsibilities. While not explicitly mentioned, the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita can provide valuable insights into your current predicament.
1. Selfless action: The Bhagavad Gita emphasizes the concept of performing one’s duty without attachment to the results. This can be applied to your situation by focusing on fulfilling your financial responsibilities without expecting certain outcomes or reactions from your partner.
2. Compassion and understanding: The teachings of the Bhagavad Gita encourage empathy and understanding towards others. By approaching your partner’s concerns with compassion and open-mindedness, you may find common ground and alleviate misunderstandings.
3. Seeking balance: The Bhagavad Gita teaches the importance of finding balance in all aspects of life. Applying this principle to your relationship may involve finding a middle ground in terms of financial responsibilities and mutual support.
At the end of the day, every relationship is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution to your predicament. However, by openly communicating with your partner, addressing concerns of manipulation, and seeking guidance from insightful sources, you can work towards finding a resolution that benefits both of you. Good luck and take care! 🌟
If you do end up going this way, compare after tax incomes.
There is no normal — it’s always between two to figure it out.
Hello, 29yo woman here. These type of things tend to be very subjective. Men and women could believe everything should always be 50/50. Some think (including men) that the men should 100% provide for the woman.
In the end it doesn’t matter what others think. I see people in the comment section saying X or Y is “right”. Nothing is “right”. Right is what YOU make it. For example, I’m an independent woman. I want my own career, contribute to the household and split bills fairly. By fairly I mean in proportion to the incomes. If I make more than my partner, I’ll pay more. If they make more, I’d want them to pay more. But all in honest proportion. I’d never make my man work like a dog to provide everything for me because I want to contribute to both our lives equally.
Ask yourself how you feel. What you would find fair. If you feel you work too much and want to work less, be honest about it. Don’t let others tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. You and your partner should both feel happy in how much you work and how much you contribute financially and in the household. Talk to your partner, be honest. Set boundaries. And if in the end they still disagree, maybe it’s not the right person for you.
You should be splitting rent and utilities based on income percentage. If you have 60% of the income, then you should pay 60% of the rent and utilities. If you are overspending, that’s not really her problem. Household chores are totally different. You both use the house, so that should be split 50-50unless you come to an agreement otherwise.
Yeah anytime someone says to you, “oh, you need to pay more because you’re a man” you’re being manipulated.
Pay based on the percent of your total income together. If your hypothetical income combined is 100$ a week and $70 is your portion and $30 is hers then split the bills 70% / 30%. Whatever your percentage and hers are to the total income pay that percentage.
So my partner and I used to split everything 50/50, but then I lost my job, ended up with a new one that pays a quarter of his salary and he in turn got a big pay rise. Now we split mortgage and bills 40/60 just so I’m not struggling as much, though I am always looking for additional jobs to earn more money.
But in terms of chores you should definitely split it equally. Chores have nothing to do with income.
As for the idea that the man should provide for the woman, I find that extremely antiquated. Women should always be financially independent because I’ve seen the horrible consequences for my friends who relied on boyfriends for everything, only for them to break up and basically be left with no job, no money etc. It’s also too much pressure on one person to provide everything. Obviously this does differ once a couple has kids because it isn’t always feasible or ideal for both to be working, though that’s not applicable to your situation.
I’d break up. Anyone demanding you do specific things just to satisfy social norms that benefit them doesn’t really care about you.
She makes money but isn’t interested in saving or spending it to support your home together..
She sees that you’re already paying for most of the stuff, had an issue with rent, worked more to cover it and her response is to get mad you don’t spend as much time with her while still demanding you pay more.
She sounds like a liability. She wants someone to make her a “kept” woman. Doesn’t sound like that’s you. Let her go in peace and get a roommate.
You have fundamentally different views of what’s fair and equitable in a relationship. If you two can’t get on the same page, she’s not the one for you.
She’s telling you that no matter what you do, she will be unhappy.
If you don’t want to then don’t. And if she doesn’t like it she can gwt her own place and pay 100% of her own bills. You can ask someone to pay more and they can say no. Can’t make them
28 year old woman here; this is definitely a slippery slope. Finances/relationships with money are one of the top things that can make or break a relationship. It definitely played a major role in my previous relationship. He was *horrible* with money (always spending it on stupid stuff and running up his CCs) and I was constantly left covering for him. His excuse was always “well you make more than me and come from a well off family”. Like your GF is doing to you by telling you that you should pay more because you’re the man, it IS straight up manipulation.
It sounds like you guys need to have a serious talk because it sounds like you both have completely different financial values and different views on how the relationship dynamic should be.
She’s got some kind of story she’s telling herself
She’s mad at the job you got. I was a bartender for 10 years and it drove away every single person I was ever in a relationship with. Made them crazy paranoid. I had no idea what was going on until one guy said “you’re a bartender its the most hit on on job in the world” she’s scared you’re gonna go get addicted to coke and cheat
U want to be completely even then examine the debt to income ratio and split it like that. She’s using some logic, but to expect u to pay 100% of the rent because u make 130k and she makes 100k (not real numbers ) is ridiculous.
I’d examine your month to month net and examine what’s left over before mortgage on shit u spend and then divide proportionally based upon that
You don’t have to go along with what she wants.
You can split the expenses 65/35 according to income. That would be fair.
But to pick up another job so she doesn’t pay anything? Naw fam.
Discuss it in couples therapy and perhaps you can agree. If not, it may be time to separate.
Money is a pretty important thing to agree about in a relationship and it sounds like you may not be on the same page.
its not meant to be. she feels that you’re not prioritizing her
You aren’t married and her wanting you to pay for most things isn’t right at all, you shouldn’t be working days and nights while she just does her day job and she shouldn’t want you too, id seriously rethink the relationship
Leave, that’s some next level entitlement. What has your genitalia got to do with the household expenses and rent?!
She’s your girlfriend and not your wife and I don’t know where she gets off criticizing you for not covering her costs. You pay your share of the rent and all the utilities, she’s got it good enough.
I think house labor should also be considered. Is she taking care of everything at home now for the two of you so you can afford the time to work more? So she’s also working more without any money to show for it?
What was the financial agreement prior to moving in together? If it is 50/50 and she works then stick with the original agreement. Keep in mind that she is trying to change the arrangement to her advantage and satisfaction. Pay attention to her behavior and what she says and wants. She is now starting to show her true colors. Is this who you want to spend your life with?
I don’t think there’s a win win in this situation. Nobody regardless of gender demands a lavish lifestyle without there being hard work involved!
What kind of world are you both living in? You are both on very different ends of the scale financially, you both either compromise, write down rent bills, spending on paper, see what’s left over and budget for what you have.
Yes it was stupid you spent your half the rent, you are working to make up for it, but yes you are being manipulated with this whole you don’t love me if you don’t pay all the rent.
“Lately she keeps hinting that I should pay more of the rent and stuff, because I’m a man”
Dump her immediately.
To me it sounds that both of you are very different in your needs and wants.
I would evaluate where this is going. Like can you see yourself with her having kids, growing old and so on.
You already sound very stressed out and frankly overwhelmed. Which is no wonder if she always wants you to provide her luxury. It sounds very exhausting to me.
Also how sure are you she will not just leave you someday because she found someone who can give her more?
Are you truly happy and satisfied in your relationship?
What would you see if you looked from an outside standpoint, inside?
In my opinion it is unfair of her to put all this strain, burden and pressure on you if she is earning her own money.
Been there done that. We were married 3 years and had a child. Wife was let go from work so we were a 1 income family. I Got a job on the side that became quite lucrative. It was internet and was for numerous places as a freelancer, but required me to be on the computer about 20 hours a week and often up late at nights and weekends since it involved overseas work as well so I had to be conscious of their time. So I was working 40 hours in my regular job plus travel time and at least 2-3 hours a day on the side business including weekends. Wife was thrilled to be able to stay home to raise our son. I didn’t mind although it was time consuming.
Son turns about 6 years old and wife starts complaining that I don’t spend enough time with them and I need to block out the weekend and at least 2 hours an evening to be with them. I tell her that’s impossible if I want to continue with the side business (which was actually bringing in more than the regular job, it even allowed us to buy a house). She said I’m a distant father and husband although I was spending as much time as possible with them and went on outings on weekends when I could etc. I said if you want me to give up the side business you’ll have to get a job. She said no, she likes being a stay at home mom. I said you can’t have it both ways but it was like talking to a wall.
It resolved itself when a couple of places I was working for went bankrupt which drastically cut my work load and income😔. And of course son grew up.
Why are you spending rent money? Don’t ever put yourself in that whole. Needs – like a roof over your head – come before any wants. If gifts meant not having your share of rent, then the gifts wait.
Sit down, make a budget and allocate money in proportion to your incomes. Anything extra comes out of your own pot. If she wants you to pay 100%, then you need to decide if you’re okay with that. Like another commenter said, we can’t decide what right or wrong for you. It’s completely subjective. I make more than my husband, so I pay more of our bills. I’m not about to have him work night and day to pay everything because that’s not a partnership in my opinion. However, I was raised by a stay at home mom and my dad pay 100% of the bills and that is what worked for them. So you decide first for yourself, then have an adult conversation. Finances are one of the biggest reason that couples don’t work. So it’s important to get a handle on this now.
Only her could reveal why she suddenly changed her mind on how you split monetary obligations. You should have a good conversations in neutral ground on how you should proceed from now on and on what base you split things. Surely your relation is evolving and some things might have changed since you first split things up. My personnal opinion is that when someone does that is because the person hide something monetary speaking. The sooner you find out why she wants to review your split agreement the better it will be for your couple
She’s manipulating you. If you are paying the bills minus the rent, it seems like a reasonable arrangement.
She wants you to pay more so she can have more for herself. That’s pretty selfish to me especially since you are working more now.
Your question is whether you’re being manipulated, and not what is the right thing to do.
She thinks you should pay more because you’re a man, not because you make more and make not the best choices with your money.
The dynamics of this relationship are as unbalanced as the finances.
I recommend you start by making a budget, and communicating this is what you are contributing to the rent, not because you’re a man but because it’s how you make your finances make sense, and then sticking to it.
If she equates you paying more to feeling taken care of, and you equate paying more to being manipulated, then this isn’t the right relationship for either of you.
If you’re with a woman who likes spending, you better LOVE working. That being said, it seems like your life goals and lifestyles aren’t compatible.
It’s always easy to say this over the internet with limited information, but I think it’s pretty clear that this is an unfair arrangement she’s proposing.
Work an extra job so you can have more money to provide for me, but at the same time I’m also going to get annoyed with you that you’re no longer around to spend exorbitant amounts of time with me. That’s called living in resentment lane. You seem frustrated and confused, just trust your own judgement and make sure you’re okay with this type of living arrangement because you both fundamentally seem to want different things. You want a calm, simple life. She seems to want extravagance and luxury. At the end of the day, ask yourself if your needs are being met and if you’re capable of fulfilling her needs as well. Maybe have a very serious sit down talk with her setting out exactly what you both want and if it’s going to work out in the long term. Best of luck my friend.
It’s not a matter of “normal or not”. It’s a matter of “what are both sides wanting and okay with, then negotiate to mutual acceptability”.
Sounds like you two were there and she’s morphed into wanting more… and instead of presenting it as a mature partner who would have a serious “we shared household finances, let discuss our agreement” talk she’s acting childish and pouty and pressuring instead.
And she’s using what are new to you guys’ arrangement and flimsy reasons as part of that pressure.
Now, as part of adult agreements one or the other partner may pay more, and sometimes it’s based in patriarchal beliefs of some sort and if that’s what they both feel is right for them it’s all fine. Again, mutually acceptable terms and reasons.
She sounds like she just wants to mooch off you and is trying to dishonestly manipulate you. Hold your ground.
If she wants an adult relationship she can start treating it like an adult relationship about this and have a real talk about finances – and accept, both of you, that you may not be able to agree or whatever you negotiate doesn’t thrill her…. in other words, grown-up talk + no pouting afterwards if she doesn’t get what she wants.
In the meantime, so long as does continue too much longer tell her, “when you stop being pushy and want to have a household discussion about finances, we can have a discussion” and ignore anything else she says or does.
If it continues and she won’t talk – or you talk, she doesn’t get 100% of what she wants and then makes a fuss about *that* – you need to reconsider the relationship. We all should be with a respectful and mature adult by the time we’re living with and sharing finances with a partner(s).
She sure is, she’s a girlfriend not a wife. Know your place
She’s a moocher and if OP was a woman the women in here would be up in arms demanding she leave OP yesterday. Dump her and find a woman who has dignity and is self sufficient.
Do not get married, Money issues are a main cause of divorce,
You should pay more because you’re the man? Are you kidding me? What year does she think this is? 1958??? It sounds to me like she’s looking for a free ride. She needs to step up and pay her share.
If you make 30% more then for every 100 she makes you make 130. So out of the total of every $230 you make 130/230 = 57% and she makes 100/230 = 43%. So the fair split would be around 57/43.
If she is constantly complaining that you need to pay more and unhappy then you need to dump her, she’s taking advantage of you.
My secret is, that my girlfriend makes little more than me hehe.
Fair means different things to different people. I’m a fan of splitting things according to income disparity and factoring household chores and maintenance
24F here, my bf is 28M. He makes 30% more than me and he pays 65% of our total bills while i pay 35%. But in return, I’m the sole cleaner and cook. It works for us and i believe men should be more of the provider in that area while the woman provided in other ways.
“You should pay more because you’re the man” is a code phrase for “look for another relationship”
It doesn’t sound right to me, sounds like she’s being a bit selfish. Idk what the bills actually break down to, and how much of the domestic labor she’s doing to offset the financial burden. Maybe she’s right to want you to pay more if she does the bulk of the domestic, maybe she just wants to keep more of her money for selfish reasons. This is something you all need to talk about and come to terms with.
If she’s paying roughly 30% of the expenses but doing 90% of the domestic labor it’s probably would be fair for her to pay less, but if the domestic is closer to 50/50, it sounds like she’s asking for more than she deserves.
Next time she says something about the finances tell her that she graduated college when you just finished high school. Put that 4 year head start to good use.
My girl is a month older than me and I’ll tell you from experience that to some extent all girls have less respect for their partner if they’re even an hour younger than them.