#MILdrama #FamilyConflict #HospitalHoax #RelationshipStruggles
## Did Your MIL Fake Hospitalization? How to Handle the Situation
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you doubted the authenticity of a loved one’s claims about being hospitalized? If so, you’re not alone. Dealing with family drama, especially when it involves accusations of faked illnesses, can be challenging and emotionally draining. Let’s delve into a recent dilemma faced by one individual and explore practical solutions to navigate through this tricky situation.
Understanding the Background:
My husband is 57, and I am 49. Recently, my 81-year-old mother-in-law (MIL) claimed to be hospitalized due to a mild cold, which raised suspicions about the validity of her health condition. This incident followed a series of disagreements and attention-seeking behaviors exhibited by my MIL, leading me to question her intentions.
Identifying the Issue:
In situations like these, it’s crucial to differentiate between genuine health concerns and potential manipulative tactics devised to gain attention or control. My MIL’s sudden illness raised red flags, prompting me to confront the possibility of her faking hospitalization to elicit sympathy and secure our immediate presence.
Addressing the Conflict:
Upon discovering the discrepancy between my MIL’s health claims and her actual condition, I expressed my concerns to my husband. While initially shocked by my suspicions, he gradually acknowledged the pattern of manipulative behavior exhibited by his mother.
Establishing Boundaries:
It’s essential to set clear boundaries to protect your mental and emotional well-being in such situations. Refusing to enable manipulative behaviors and maintaining assertiveness in your decisions can help mitigate potential conflicts and establish a healthy dynamic within the family.
Seeking Compromise:
While disagreements with family members are inevitable, approaching conflicts with empathy and open communication can lead to mutual understanding and resolution. Engage in meaningful conversations with your partner to address concerns, explore underlying reasons for behavior, and strive towards finding a compromise that prioritizes everyone’s well-being.
Embracing Self-care:
Amidst family tensions and emotional turmoil, remember to prioritize self-care and seek support from trusted individuals or professionals. Engage in activities that bring you peace and solace, practice self-compassion, and prioritize your mental health.
Moving Forward:
Navigating through family conflicts requires compassion, patience, and resilience. By confronting the issue of fake hospitalization and fostering open dialogue with your loved ones, you can pave the way for healthier relationships and a harmonious family dynamic.
Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and set boundaries to protect yourself from manipulative behaviors. Stay strong, stay resilient, and trust your instincts to navigate through challenging family dynamics with grace and courage.
Hubby can go stay with Mom at her home until she’s better.
Mixed bag. NTA for resisting having MIL move in. But YTA for being generally cold and flippant toward her and her health (even if she “faked” the recent scare). She’s an 81-yr old widower living alone. She’s not feeling great, possibly has more fear about being alone given her frail condition, and she wants to see her son more.
Maybe her asks are too big or too much but seems like y’all could be more sympathetic and consider stepping it up a bit. Make your own informed assessment of what she *does* need, and decide what you can reasonably do.
YTA – she sounds like a desperately lonely old woman trying to spend time with her son. He lives 30 minutes away and yet can only manage to see her what, a few times a year?
He needs to step it up and look after his mother.Â
YTA – or maybe N T A or maybe E S H.
For now, she’s a frail old woman who is alone and proactively trying to engage family. Maybe she was sick, maybe she was faming it. You don’t know.
You of course dont have to let her stay with you, its your house too. But you are being extremely cold and callous about this.
INFO: Do you have the space and resources (time, money, mental energy) to take care of an aging 81yo? Once she’s in your house, you will likely be hard pressed to get her out. She sounds lonely and desperate for company/attention. It might be time to move her to an assisted living facility that can provide the interaction she’s looking for if you don’t want your MIL living with you full time.
NTA. If she doesn’t want to live independently, I recommend getting your hsb to lay out all of her actual options with her (which doesn’t include moving in with you). Also, as her son, he can call a hospital for an update on her condition, so if she does this again, you can ask for the hospital social worker to look at her case and avoid running to her side (which is what she is manipulating you both into doing)
Let’s assume she is doing this for attention – that means she’s so sad and lonely that she would rather stay in a hospital and be around you guys than to be independent and be alone. Soft YTA. I totally get why this is annoying and inconvenient, but you should probably give her a little more grace. One day you’re going to be that age and see your friends and family dwindling. You might find yourself in the same position so you may want to just love up on her while you guys still have her around.
YTA: I think that you need to put this in a different perspective. The woman is 81 years old and living by herself. When people age sometimes their health declines. If she said she oculdn’t breathe and asked to be admitted then that’s well within her right. Doctors aren’t always perfect and if it is a known fact that her health is declining then I would also be worried myself.
She sounds like my mom, we thought she was faking things, etc, it was the beginning of dementia/alzheimers. I wish I’d given the attention she wanted, looking back it would have been such a small thing She’d also lost someone right before, so loneliness she wasnt really able to speak about
I’ll get dinged for this but NAH. Your MIL is scared, alone and facing her own mortality. Is she handling it well? No. What she did was an AH move but she d serves a little grace.
And communication. Your husband specifically needs to have a heart to heart with her. Figure out what she needs and help her get it. Maybe independent living. Maybe moving closer to you. She’s used to having another person to bounce ideas off.
You are not the AH for being mad.
YTA for assuming she was faking. When you’re scared and alone, any small symptom can feel life-threatening, even if it’s just a tiny cold. Being admitted to the hospital means people are monitoring you and will see if anything life-threatening *does* happen–if you’re already weak and you live alone that starts to sound pretty good!
It sounds like your MIL, your husband, and/or you need to make plans so that she’s cared for in the future in a way that works for you and your husband.
YTA and I hope your family does this to you at the end of your life.
I’d warn your husband to be on the lookout for dementia. My mom insisted for a decade that my grandmother’s increasing assholish behavior and constant medical needs were her faking it, but it was all signs of her declining memory and need for more hands on care.
YTA for lacking empathy.
She is old, lonely, and probably starting to experience old people anxiety. You are not obligated to let her move in, but the way you talk about her is cruel and you don’t mention anything that would justify that reaction.
Hospitals don’t admit people just because the person wants to be admitted. They are far too busy for that kind of nonsense.
YTA. I wouldn’t let her move in either, but you lack compassion.
She’s elderly, has lost her husband, and has probably never lived alone before. This was my mother a few years ago. She kept saying she was fine until she wasn’t. She moved into a retirement home, and she is much happier. She has no bills to worry about, she comes and goes as she pleases, has her new and old friends and she’s not lonely. And there is medical attention if she needs it.
YTA compassion is hard to find these days.
NTA. She sounds like she can be a giant pain in the rear. She’s also 81 and alone. This is really a husband problem. She only lives 30 minutes away and he only sees her once every few months. He needs to step it up. It would not hurt him to make a standing weekly appointment with his mother. They could go to a local diner or sit in her kitchen so she can fawn over him with desserts or whatever. It wouldn’t even have to cut out of your time together. Make it a weekday dinner thing on whatever night that you guys routinely don’t have anything scheduled. You don’t have to go and can spend that time on something you enjoy- even if that’s is binging something dumb on tv. There’s a good chance that if he puts in some time with his mom that the dramatics will slow down. It’s not like she’s going to change at this point and there’s not a ton of time left to even worry about this at her age. In any case, this isn’t a you problem. It’s a him problem.
-YTA – she make have faked an illness & yes this is frustrating, but the why did she fake the illness is more important.
She’s 81, frail (your own words) and her husband recently died.
Your husband.. her son visits once every few months as you live close by – 30min big wow what a poor effort made
Did you ever consider she’s sad, lonely and pretty much alone ?
You don’t need to become her best friend or even have her live with you – but your husband I’m
Sure could spare an hour or so a week to visit & check in.
Pity help you as you get older and you find yourself with a similar lifestyle
YTA she sounds lonely and scared she’s 81 like, he only sees her once every few months is shocking to me given how close you live. Hope your kids don’t do to you guys what you’re doing to her.
ESH
Your MIL isn’t using her words to communicate with you, but she IS communicating SOMETHING.
She’s lonely.
She’s insecure.
She wants to be around your husband/you.
She’s scared.
This is your husbands 81 year old mother. Chances are, she’s not going to be around much longer. Is this a hill you’re willing to die on?
She is 81 and being alone for first time in probably her entire life… meaning she probably left her parents home to living with a husband…
My mom is also 81 and lost my dad 3 yrs ago… yes she exaggerates symptoms and is more needy now… us kids can’t do enough… as much as she drives us nuts at times we also know one day she won’t be here.. and that’s sooner than later… so we go out of our way to be there for her…
Would you feel differently if it was your mother and not your in law???
YTA. She’s 81 years old, ffs.
If the behavior is new, by all means, get her evaluated for dementia. Older people by that age also become more introverted and resistant to socialization. If MIL wants company, could you all find some compromise? She sounds lonely and at that point in life, the family does become very important for support. You do come across as selfish.
What’s your living/work situation? You say you don’t want to deal with her all day – does your husband work out of the house and you WFH?
You also say she lives half an hour away but hubs only visits every few months – that’s not very often for a son to visit his mother when she lives so close.
I understand from your post that she wasn’t easy to get along with in the past and you haven’t had much to do with her yourself, so I get that you don’t want her suddenly in your home full time, but it’s your husbands home too and she is his mother so he should have equal input.
You guys really need to discuss all the options available and make some decisions that are going to benefit your MIL (she is old, widowed, lonely and declining in health) whilst not putting strain on your marriage or earning capacity.
A judgement can’t really be made here without more info.
Honestly I think you are a bit of an ice cold asshole but your hubby is a gigantic one. Every few months he pays his mom a visit (and you never)? He needs to step up his game. Pretty pathetic. If he did more than the bare minimum you probably wouldn’t have her trying to vacation with you or move in.
I don’t blame you for not wanting her to move in with you. The change in her personality is a bit concerning. I see some others have mentioned dementia, and the thought crossed my mind when I read that she’s become more soft spoken and generally nicer.
She only lives 30 minutes away so why is your husband only visiting every few months? He should be visiting weekly tbh.
There has been an ongoing issue where women feel like there’s something wrong with their bodies, something they are worried about, but doctors tend to dismiss it. Some elderly women can be very receptive in the changes in their bodies. I’m not going say that she is not doing that for attention, but I’m not going to call her an attention seeker either.Â
Your husband lives half an hour away and visits her every _few months_? Jeez. 🥺.
NTA
Under the circumstances, I think her not staying with you is a good idea.
I also agree & have experienced the dementia issue that others have stated. She’s the perfect age for it. The sooner that it can be treated, the better. It needs to be treated before it progresses too far for the meds to be more effective. You can’t stop it, but the meds can help slow the process. The meds improve someone’s quality of life.
If this isn’t dementia related, then she needs more socializing. Your husband needs to decide if he’s willing to visit more often or on a set schedule. He shouldn’t have to be her only social support tho. He can try to arrange for her to join some in person groups or clubs. Maybe arrange transportation for her so he’s not doing all of it (depending on her driving status). If she won’t agree, then she needs to be sat down by him for a serious convo. “I can’t & won’t be your only or 24/7 company. You arent staying or moving in with us. You need to make a decision to interact with others or less go of unrealistic expectations.”
Btw dementia can cause ppl to isolate from social settings or withdraw from everyone but 1 or 2 people. Just something to keep in mind.
NAHÂ
If you don’t want to have her in your house, that is your right.
However, he really should figure out the issues and get her into an assisted living place of some.sort that can handle her needs. She sounds like beginning stages of dementia or something. And a lot of widowers have issues living along after their partner passes. So a place might be ideal for her.
Good luck. Dealing with all this is really hard.
To be honest, a mild cold can escalate to serious sickness or death for a person in their 80s.
YTA.
You sound callous and frankly heartless.
The woman is 81. She just lost her husband and despite living close, sees her son once every few months. You make it sound like it’s a lot but it’s not.
Have you tried looking into options other than having her live with you? Obviously she wants company, but you’re not even thinking about anything besides your own self. Hospice care, at home visits,…
I understand she may have burnt her bridges, because it seems there is unspoken resentment in the post, but having a little compassion wouldn’t hurt you.
I agree with your husband. She’s his mother, and you don’t seem to give two shits about her. YTA
You only visit an 81 year old on her own once every few months who lives a half hour away? Just say you don’t give a shit about her. I can’t imagine doing this.
I’m not from USA so this is kinda culturally dissonant to me, but I don’t get why don’t they take care of their elderly. Unless she was/is abusive to your husband, why won’t he take care of the woman that literally cleaned his ass for years?
This is quite sad, she sounds lonely more than anything, and probably frightened – maybe some compassion is warranted, in spite of the fake hospitalization? I was struck that husband only visits her every few months, despite living half an hour away.