HelpWithBabyLeave 🤱
Hey everyone,
First of all, congratulations on the baby news! It’s such an exciting time for you and your husband. 🎉
Understanding the Situation
It’s understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed and emotional about this situation. Planning for maternity and paternity leave can be a stressful process, especially when financial concerns come into play.
Considerations for Maternity and Paternity Leave
Before diving into the emotional aspects, let’s consider a few key points:
- You are 15 weeks pregnant and due in November, which means you still have some time to plan.
- Your husband is entitled to up to 4 weeks of paid paternity leave, while you won’t be receiving paid maternity leave.
- You work from home, which gives you flexibility but also presents its own challenges.
- Your husband works in new construction plumbing, where his income might fluctuate based on projects and weather conditions.
Addressing Your Concerns
Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to communicate openly with your husband about your needs and concerns. It’s clear that you both have different perspectives on the situation, but finding a compromise is key.
Steps to Take
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Open Communication: Sit down with your husband and have a calm, honest conversation about your expectations and concerns. Let him know how you’re feeling and listen to his perspective as well.
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Financial Planning: Consider creating a detailed budget for the upcoming months, taking into account your expenses during your leave and potential additional help needed.
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Seek Support: Look into local resources, such as parenting groups, online communities, and support services that can provide guidance and assistance during this time.
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Research Options: Explore different scenarios, such as hiring a nanny, dog walker, or other help, to alleviate some of the stress during your postpartum recovery period.
- Self-Care: Remember to take care of yourself during this time. Pregnancy and postpartum recovery can be physically and emotionally challenging, so prioritize your well-being.
Finding Balance
It’s important to find a balance that works for both you and your husband. Compromise and understanding are key elements in navigating this transition.
Final Thoughts
Remember, every family’s situation is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Trust your instincts, communicate openly with your partner, and seek support from those around you. You’re not alone in this journey, and there are resources available to help you through this challenging but rewarding time.
Feel free to reach out if you have any more questions or need further guidance. Best of luck with your pregnancy and upcoming arrival! 🤗
Yours truly,
[Your Name]
If he’s getting PAID parental leave, why the hell would him being at work matter? Wouldn’t he be getting the same amount of money?
Also, this situation is so fucked and I’m so sorry. Having to go back to work, even WFH, three weeks after giving birth just sounds so cruel.
Has your husband done any research on birth and newborns? He seems to think that it’s all gonna be much easier than it’s going to be.
I’m not saying he should do nothing but maybe he’s scared and feels responsible for your financial needs and doesn’t want to say no to any opportunity to make money. It’s not necessarly that he’s mean or lazy. As long as he does takes care of your kid and does his share when he’s home it’s ok. Is there any associations for new and struggling parents in your country? Have you talked to family or friends (yours or his) for help with child care or dog care?
Now is the time for him to step up and put in extra hours or take on a second job. While responsibility falls on both of your shoulders, the truth is that his ability to work isn’t going to decrease, but yours is.
Your job is to be healthy, attend your medical appointments and follow the advice of your physicians so you can have the healthiest, safest pregnancy possible. And yes, where and while you can, you should create revenue. But again, my opinion is that revenue is his primary objective.
As far as him taking time off, let it happen. You’re going to want and need the assistance even if things go as smoothly as they can go. You also want him to have that time scheduled off in the event things do go as smooth as you hope.
He needs a bit of a wakeup call. You are going to need recovery and bonding time and that’s not negotiable. This isn’t about being a deadbeat, it’s about doing the best for your baby. The fact he turned this around on you instead of taking the position and mindset of “we will make it happen whatever it takes”, is beyond frustrating.
I know I’ll take flak for this because it’s somewhat “traditional” advice, but he’s got to step up to the plate, even if that means 70 hour work weeks up until the point of birth. Sorry to sound brash, but it’s time for him to grow up.
Dang, you guys were having marital issues and decided to have a baby anyways. That most likely was not a good idea. For either one of you really.
“Oh honey, you have 9 months to work overtime, do side work/ second job. I’m sure you will get it done. I have to save too. If you wont take time off, I expect you pay for help.” 🙂
If it’s money he’s so worried about (which is a completely valid concern because kids are expensive AF), then he needs to start NOW with working extra side jobs, getting a second job, etc to save money so he can stay home for a bit longer after the birth. You will need his help with a newborn. He’s the father, and he needs to be a parent.
You got married too early and are having a kid without being financially secure.
You’re already going to be out of work which puts all the financial responsibility onto him. He agreed to take 1 to 2 weeks off, but can’t afford to miss more than that. I’m not sure what you expect of him, but you can’t pay bills with hopes and wishes.
There are plenty of women who go back to work days after giving birth because they can’t financially afford to be out, which is sad. You have the luxury of taking time off, but you can’t also expect your husband to stay out of work when you’re only relying on his check to pay bills.
Do you think most women lay in bed doing nothing for a month or two after giving birth? Being waited on by their husbands until they’re fully healed? Because that’s not reality for the majority of women.
The baby isn’t even here, and he’s acting like a deadbeat! Of course a week is not enough. He gets a full month of paid time off for a reason, he should use it.
Setting aside your husband, if you have congenital heart disease, you need to be talking to a cardiologist about the risks of pregnancy- you may end up needing way more than 2 weeks off before and after the birth. Unfortunately those of us with lifelong health issues don’t always have bodies that play ball
with our financial necessities such as permitted mat and sick leave, so I think you need a safety net just in case- but your husband should be contributing to this fund too
In all honesty, a baby is hard. 4 hands are better than 2. If you both cannot come to an agreement take the 2 weeks he gives you. Babies are also expensive, diapers are not cheap and milk isn’t either (I recommend to breastfeed if you can).
It’s going to be hard, especially with your health issues, break it down to him over and over if needed you didn’t make the baby by yourself you both did. He needs to help as much as possible and don’t forget about your mental health. Wishing you the best!!
You aren’t wrong; you are entitled to your feels, and even though I’m a man I get where you are coming from.
Men get hung up on the provider aspect of our relationships. If my wife asked me to step away from 2/3 of my paycheck for something that I didn’t understand as an absolute necessity…I’d be sweating bullets at that loss of income and what it would could mean to us. And we are, honestly, a bit better off then most people.
As to whether a weeks is enough, that depends entirely on the person. I have a friend who was perfectly healthy and back at work herself in a couple of days, and everything was perfect. Meanwhile, my sister and niece had complications that meant they still needed help 18 months later (and my sister was never able to return to full time work).
I think a bit of better communication might be in order. Acknowledge his concerns, explain yours and how you think you can mitigate his (if you can). If he’s right and you need the money, it’s not his fault. If you are right and you need him, then he should see that.
If you are returning to work 3 weeks after the baby is born then you are going to need way more help. I work from home and went back at 4 months post-partum and it was insane. At 3 weeks, depending on how you deliver, you may not even be healed yet especially if you have a c-section. I hope you have a very lenient WFH job.
You didn’t make him feel like a deadbeat. You just pointed out his deadbeat behavior.
Like, GIRL. You are about to push a screaming bowling ball out of your vagina, and that’s IF you’re lucky and they don’t have to cut you open. You know if you get a C section you won’t be able to lift your baby for the first week, right? And again, if you are lucky enough to have a natural birth, you are going to be so tore up that you will struggle to walk. Hell, you’re going to struggle to pee without sobbing, let alone working remotely with a newborn.
Labor is so not a joke. You will need serious help while you physically recover, not to even mention what support you will need with the new baby.
Your husband is failing you.
The lack of Paid Parental Leave in this country is criminal.
Talk a breath and give yourself both some grace. Parenting is hard and making these joint decisions is not a straightforward process. Your job right now is to minimize the stress.
Is it possible that part of his thinking is the financial stress that you’ll collectively be under? If the burden falls on him – and lets face it, even though we’re more enlightened today there’s an unspoken expectation that “a man provides for his family” – than I can see him thinking about the lost money for those minimally paid weeks. Even though he has paid paternal leave, sounds like it will be a significant financial hit if he did that.
It’s tempting to look at this through a lens that says he needs to step up and be better – but through a different lens, sweating extra for your family *is* loving. Even if its not the type of love and support you are valuing and need right now. It may be the way he’s capable of showing his feelings and support. (Or he might be simply an unsupportive jerk, but isnt it better to assume the more charitable view in the absence of other data?)
The other thing to keep in mind is that many parents stagger their use of paid leave. If he can, it’s not a bad idea. At some point really soon you’ll have to go back to work and there will be a time when the baby is sick at daycare and can’t go back for 24-48 hours (daycares often have a rule how long a kid has to be fever free) and one of you will have to unexpectedly call off from work. Planning on 1-2 weeks at home with you and then saving that in reserve isn’t a horrible idea, frankly.
Tell him, it’s Better to ask for more time and take less if you don’t need it, than ask for less time and wish you had more. Hes either naive about what’s about to happen, or he has expectations about his involvement that need to be revised (upward).
Tbh, I would tell him that if he doesn’t want to be there to help you with your recovery a nurse needs to be hired to help you.
If he takes 1-2 weeks as soon as the baby comes, and you have 1-2 weeks without him there to get back up to speed, will he have the option to use the remaining 2-3 weeks at a later time to help you if things get tricky? It seems like there could be an advantage to him having that available if needed later.
Two weeks of help from him is the absolute minimum, plus you will need some help on a continuing basis after that if you don’t want to go crazy through lack of sleep. The ‘afterwards’ help can be a reliable college or even high school student. But you really need help even if for only a few hours a week and even if you need to borrow some money from family (IMO, others may disagree).
Don’t push him away because he only volunteered one week at first. Many men have no clue what taking care of a baby is like.
Sounds like he doesn’t want to be a dad.
He is a fucking deadbeat and he SHOULD feel like one.
Take the week, this is his baby too, stop separating the family. He may not be carrying the baby but it is his family. Take any help you can get from him. Then hire extra if you need to. People make due with what their situation bears and what they can afford. It is not necessarily a fault. Finances are a big deal with a family.
Do not take it as he not helping he is working, and supporting the situation. It sounds like this is your first. I was up in three days, doing my work. Though the dynamic of a baby changes everything, especially with pets. We had two cats and a dog. Prepare in advance make meals and freeze them stock a freezer with easy things.
I had a baby at 41, c section. I tossed the percoset settled on tylenol when I came home. My biggest issues were cooking and some light housekeeping. I wanted to be with baby as much as possible.
I know this is a VERY a tough question, but is there any world in which you would consider not having this baby? Your health is at risk. Your relationship with this man doesn’t seem the strongest. It seems like finances are a little tight. I know when push comes to shove, you’ll get through it and this baby will be cared for and loved. But please know that you’re allowed to prioritize yourself too and if making a very tough decision is what’s best for you, do it.
So you’re having a bandaid baby and are shocked that he’s not taking the time to be there?
I’m afraid things aren’t going to get better
I would say you should find another home for the dogs for those 4 weeks.
You asked for more than 1 and he gave you more than 1. If you need him to take 4, then just say that.
It will probably cost a fair bit of money. That happens with kids. At some point you may have to do the math and see whether it makes more sense for both of you to work and pay for childcare or dog care, or for one of you to stop or reduce work to do it yourselves.
A week is laughable. My 3 week old still won’t let either of us sleep if we’re in the same room and we sleep in shifts. Thankfully, my husband works from home, so is able to do more with the baby than some dads.
I had a c section so the first few days I could barely move. Couldn’t carry baby up or down stairs, couldn’t stand for long enough to wash up or cook. Couldn’t walk the dog, or even bend to feed him. I needed help. It is very likely you will too.
Discuss these things like grown ups about to have a child together. Having a newborn is hard! You’ll need a break.
Planning children never hurt anyone esp when we women have 15 different forms of birth control. Good luck.
Jesus, what third world country do you live in where you get no leave after having a baby???
Honestly, he should be incredibly happy to be there and do everything in his power and ability to do whatever he can instead of pulling teeth. Certain things you shouldn’t even have to ask, like breathing, or taking out the trash, or stepping up to the plate after the 9 mo rollercoaster you’ve been on and telling you to rest as long as you need.
He is a deadbeat. You obviously had problems before so I don’t know why you went ahead and had a baby with him. If you’re going to be single mom, just be a single mom. You don’t need him around to cause you more work. Move to your parents and file for divorce and child support.
I can somewhat understand both sides of this equation. I’m going to preface this by saying I’m not justifying anything, just giving some thoughts from my own experiences as a father.
Something that a lot of people seem to miss about the dad’s side. Most of us click into a provider side, we worry about the practical side, bills that need paid, things that need bought, job security.
And on the better known side of things, the moms are recovering and exhausted. Newborns aren’t easy.
Neither side is unjustified. Yes he is still getting paid. BUT if I’m understanding the comments right, it is a significantly lower amount.
My only advice is that you’re going to have to sit down, write everything down, and work the numbers. And you both are going to need to take the others perspective into consideration. Might be a great time to sit down with a therapist to help mediate things.
What we ended up with, was I took the first week off, but also did a lot during the night and after work to help. It’s time to daddy up and suck it up. Just survive the first few weeks and then it gets a little easier.
This is tough. I feel like it comes down to how your finances are. Are his concerns for lack of money justified or do you two have enough saved up that it will be okay for him to take more time off? Financial stress on his part could be the leading factor in his thought process.
He sounds like a massive asshole.
He’s getting paid leave and he’s not using it? He’s telling you to your face that he does not support you, your health or your recovery. If he won’t take time off to help you immediately after giving birth, don’t plan on him being involved with anything else. You will be raising this baby alone. If you plan to keep this baby, you need to make alternative plans now. If you can go stay with family or friends, you should. Knowing this, I wouldn’t even stay with him.
I have 3 kids, I’d recommend moving back home for the duration of the pregnancy and first 6 mo if you can. Yes, quit your job and bail on your husband and the dogs. There is no way this marriage survives this pregnancy, birth and newborn phase because of your job’s stinginess, his selfish cluelessness, the high probability of a C-section all on top of the problems with the US healthcare system. I’m sorry to be blunt, but the reason I’m saying “high probability “ is because high amounts of stress during pregnancy increases the likelihood of c-section, early labor, and low birth weight. And all of us parents are already extremely stressed out hearing this story so far OP, some of us can figure out what may /probably will happen down the road if he’s already this unbelievably uninterested. So I’m saying that if it isn’t going to work out anyway why not get somewhere that you can get the help and time off you need and desire after birth (keep your job while living with your parents if you need/want and quit a month before you deliver). You could have months with your baby before looking for another job and have real help from your parents during the evenings and weekends. This way you don’t have to take care of 3 ginormous dogs, or cook and clean for your poor exhausted man while having such a hard pregnancy and newborn. As a bonus, your husband might figure out he’s been a completely unsupportive partner, and yes he’s already a deadbeat dad! So maybe he’ll stop that! I’m sure after you’ve left he’ll talk to lots of people and explain why he’s so disappointed by your actions and every woman and parent will let him know he’s being an idiot. So leaving might actually SAVE your marriage if he comes around. He can take 3 weeks off and stay with you and your parents and be helpful and bond with his baby!
You are not selfish. It is absolutely normal in most cultures, even before “modern” maternity leave, for a new mother to go stay with her family or have her “village” take care of her for WEEKS (4-8) after birth. In pre-modern cultures, studies have shown that there was usually up to FIVE main caregivers besides the mother for a new baby – mothers back then actually held their baby 30% less than they do now, because there was someone else to pick up the slack, so to speak. This modern expectation that mom should just do it on her own, while healing and dealing with a screaming, sleepless infant that’s still learning how to eat and poop, is close to insane.
You are not selfish. You are actually sabotaging your own recovery and putting yourself at more serious risk for PPD and other postpartum complications as you will not be sufficiently supported. Would you expect a friend who just had abdominal surgery to just “figure it out” with only 1 week of support? Giving birth is no different, the wound is just inside on the uterus, not visible outside. Your placenta will leave a dinner plate sized open wound on your uterus – that’s why women bleed profusely for 4-6 weeks after birth, because there’s no real way to “apply pressure” like you would a skin wound. It just…. bleeds and bleeds until it both clots enough to stop and your uterus shrinks enough to cinch it. And that’s not even getting into whatever swelling and tears your labia and vagina will be coping with.
If you have a C-section, there’s usually TWO wounds – the external C-section wound AND the internal placental one.
People usually tell people to read [The Lemon clot Essay ](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this)because they’re tackling spouses who allow people to visit constantly, but I think your husband should read it, because I don’t think he has any idea of the physical damage and insanity you’re going to be coping with.
I had labial tears after both kids that made going to the bathroom excruciating. I needed my husband to lift me off the toilet and off of chairs for a week and half because between trying to keep my legs together to not tug on my stitches (which would make me white out from pain), and the absolute mess my abdominal muscles were in, I couldn’t actually stand up from a seated position without help (or screaming). Both times, my attempts at breast feedings were incredibly painful – first kiddo WOULD NOT latch properly and skinned me raw within days and second kiddo, I got clots in one boob that required my husband (who is a massage therapist) to massage and help me strip out the clots while I was nursing. It’s a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. Husband had to take over several bottle feedings for the first baby to give my skin time to recover. I NEEDED his help and we were still run ragged by one baby between the two of us – and we were lucky enough to have understanding roommates (who were also parents) who were happy to do small things like hold the baby while I was in the bathroom or taking a shower. Most people don’t even get that.
I don’t understand the “I only get 3 weeks.” You qualify for short-term disability, which the duration is at the discretion of your doctor. Six weeks for normal both and eight for c-section is standard. What state are you in?
>I now feel selfish because he got upset by what I said and he said “ the baby isn’t even here yet, and I already feel like a deadbeat”.
He feels like a dead best because she’s acting like a deadbeat. Any respectable man would want to spend that time caring for his recovering wife and brand new baby. He’s still getting paid, less than usual but HES STILL GETTING PAID.
Please don’t forget that he is going to be a father, not a helper and not a bank.
Remind him (nicely) that the time off will help him get to know his new child. And become the kind of father he hopes to be.
It might be a good time to take a night, when you all aren’t too stress and think about how each of you envision the future. Write down each person’s must haves: a house, annual vacations, coaching my child’s sports team, saving for college, celebrating our 50th anniversary. Encourage your husband to put down goals other than money. Money is needed, but does not create a content and rewarding life.
Also, if your in-laws and parents are decent people, do ask if they can help.
They may have more vacation time, and more discretionary money, if time off without pay is their only option.
Most grandmothers and quite a few grandfathers will jump at the opportunity.
And once the baby is born, try to establish a routine where grandparents take the baby for a few hours on Saturday mornings so you and your husband can both rest and catch up on chores.
Grandparents have many advantages over parents, one is the perspective of living many more years. They know that babies don’t stay babies for long. And so most are happy to help. My experience is that grandparents particularly enjoy having the child to themselves- it helps them form their own relationship. They WILL NOT do everything the way you do. Make sure they are doing all the safety stuff- always using a car seat, but try to be flexible with other things.
Your husband will not do things like you do, but again allow him to be a father not just your helper. The first time I left for a weekend I wrote all kinds of instructions for my husband. He said it seemed like I didn’t trust him. My response was I did, but it made me feel better if he had any questions!
Your baby is you and your husband’s top priority. And the BEST thing you can do for your child is to provide a two parent cooperative and loving home. So once you are recovered- get back to sex and dating one another.
He’s being a massive jerk here. And yes, you’re going to raise this child alone.
So he can take up to 4 weeks off, but only offered to take off 2 because he didn’t want to lose out on anymore money? Sorry, just clarifying.
UpdateMe!
Give away the dogs, you’ll have more time and money. And you cab use that money to hire help